Unpleasant Dealings with Daffy Furniture Salesmen (13881 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2009-06-23 10:20:54 EDT
This past weekend I engaged in my monthly visit to the humble Maine abode of my half-sister Lauren's. It's not that I love her or anything. To be honest, I barely even consider us relatives; we just happen to have both spawned from the same man's jizz.
Lamping almost illegally hard in the shallow end of her pool, I was finishing up engulfing a bag of Quakes rice snacks when Lauren caught me cheddar-handed. Faux-maturely sighing, she told me to get out of the pool and, "...go to the furniture store with Jenna and Abigail to get a new couch for the living room, you lazy bum."
"Shut the fuck up," I replied, getting out of the pool to meet her eye-level, "It's a weird temperature anyway 'cause I pissed in it at least four times," and then dumped the rest of my beer on her head. Fine, I was too drunk to string that many words together and I'm not one to waste alcohol like that. Luckily for her, I'd trade 85% of a bag of Quakes for an errand any day of the week, even Saturday. So I dried off, got dressed, sat in my car outside and yelled to my niece to hurry her ass up. If you're wondering, the other 15% dissolved in the pool.
A couple things about Jenna. First, I'm her uncle, but only a year older than her. We were close when we were kids but drifted apart in our mid-teens. Come to think of it, we diverged about the time some neighbor kid knocked her up before skipping town. That's the second thing you should know, she had a baby at 15. What? This is America. I'll have a cheeseburger and hold the condoms, goddammit.
Following some impatient honking on my part, Jenna and her kid Abbie jumped in and we were off to the furniture superstore a dozen exits away... after an argument which ultimately established Jenna was in a more suitable driving condition.
"Hey Abbie, you wanna DJ this shit?"
I passed my iPod to her in the backseat. Jenna gave me one of those ridiculous, "Don't swear in front of her!!!!" looks. By the angle of her eyebrows, I was sure there were no less than four exclamation points. "What's swearing gonna do to her?" I chided, "Wouldn't taking creampies in ninth grade be an infinitely worse lesson for Abbie than Uncle Sully saying 'fuck' every other word?" Again, I didn't actually say this out loud because I'm kind of a pussy once you get to know me.
After a minute or so, Abbie queued up a Fiona Apple playlist which was awkward because now everyone knows I have Fiona Apple on my iPod. Also, I'm pretty sure the song 'Sullen Girl' is about getting raped. "Abbie, play Spoon or Kanye West or something," I said. "We're on a car ride to go buy a new couch, not scream-crying into our pillows over our boyfriends cheating on us." Jenna gave me another STFU-glance. Passing a 20-inch human being out of her vagina really dampened her spirits.
"Uncle Sully? What's G-Z-A?" asked Abbie after a few more minutes, still perusing my iPod.
"The Jizza? He's pretty good, look him up when you're twelve."
That was the last time anyone conversed for the rest of the car ride. I thought about how Lauren and Jenna were nearly identical ages when they each had a daughter out of wedlock. I was almost drunk enough to bring up this fact and jokingly tell Abbie it'll be her turn to bat in about ten years. Almost. But don't get me wrong, I was definitely drunk enough to sing along to 'Extraordinary Machine.'
---
Gazing across the landscape of couches, recliners and beds of every shape and size, I realized my calling in life should have been to own an oasis like this. Some employee was literally sleeping on a black leather loveseat not far from the entrance without a care in the world. I breathed in real deep, taking in the refreshing aroma of the different materials and the leisurely atmosphere. Why couldn't the rest of the world be as pleasant and comforting as this pillow-ridden paradise?
Abbie ran off to jump on beds or whatever 6-year-olds do while Jenna began to mull couch possibilities to me. I wasn't paying attention to her though, as I was still absorbing the varying pastels and the dim, relaxed lighting. My blood pressure slowed to a crawl... before Art popped up out of nowhere. Art was 5'5, with a tucked-in maroon shortsleeved shirt and a green (?) clip-on tie. He wore small black-rimmed glasses and smelled faintly of eggs. Based solely on the disproportionate features of his face, I had the urge to punch him in his kidneys until he passed away.
Art was surely put on this earth as my foil; to ruin everything I loved in life.
"Hello there folks, I'm Art! Gosh you two are a cute couple. What can I do for ya's? Hey! What says I interest ya's in a spankin' new coffee table? Over yonder, we have a fancy one on sale for..." I started biting my fist like DeNiro in Goodfellas, holding back my aspirations to end this man's life. He couldn't have been more than 10 years older than us yet he talked like someone's grandfather in their mid-60s who plays crochet/drinks tons of orange juice but also has a dark repressed past involving sodomy, the US Postal Service and sun-tan lotion.
Why the fuck do I have to be the only normal person in any given social situation?
"Oh sorry," I interrupted, "I don't even know who this girl is. We just walked in at the same time," and with that, I scampered away half-jogging. I needed to get as far away from Art as I could as there was just something inherently unsettling about him. It was either his old-timer lingo or nauseating B.O./$15 cologne mixture he was trying on for size.
Eventually I collapsed on a white cushy leather sofa, sinking all the way in. It was more comfortable than anything I'd yet encountered in my life. Abbie was lying on a couch a couple down from mine. Her dirty blonde hair was all tussled from rolling around in the furniture. She said, "This place is kinda cool."
Yeah, no shit, Abbie.
I closed my eyes and thought about swimming, Quakes and how perfect the air-conditioning was. Then I wondered why James Cromwell never played Abraham Lincoln in a movie when he was younger. Damn you Jimmy, you're too old now! I whimpered a little and started punching the couch over and over.
When I was younger, I'd written parts of a screenplay entitled "ABE," yes in all caps, about the days leading up to the whole John Wilkes Booth thing. I specifically remember casting Charlize Theron as Mary Todd Lincoln. During the climactic balcony scene, her blouse would somehow come undone in the bustle, conveniently exposing her nipples in a 15-second closeup.
Suddenly, I felt the cushion next to mine sink in.
"Sully, that Art guy is really freaking weird," whispered Jenna. "He was trying to flirt with me. He was mumbling and stuttering, but I'm pretty sure he said something about my cleavage. Let's hurry up." I laughed and encouraged her to pursue a relationship with him. He'd make a wonderfully skeevy father to Abbie.
Then she punched me considerably hard for a girl and I scampered off, this time to the bedding area. I dove on a king-sized mattress and closed my eyes again, my head aching a little. I thought about Charlize Theron's nipples some more.
"That woman..." someone breathed, "is de-lect-able."
I jolted off the bed, scared shitless. It was Art, of course. My foil.
"What the hell, man?" I half-whispered, half-cried, "What's the matter with you?"
"That woman you entered with... her dress is... oh my god." The sides of his mouth were moist with drool and his forehead was starting to perspire. The way he emphasized the word "god," made my asshole tighten. He licked his upper lip. "A woman like that makes me go all Daffy Duck, I must say."
Go all Daffy Duck? Who the fuck says something like that in public?
To the best of my knowledge, Art was citing the old-fashioned Daffy Duck who used to go bonkers and bounce all over the screen going, "Hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo hoo-hoo!" like he was hopped up on amphetamines. You know, before Looney Tunes gradually morphed him into a rival to Bugs Bunny and an otherwise pompous douchebag.
The newer Daffy is the one everyone knows best; the version whose beak flies around his head after getting shot in the face by Elmer Fudd (which for poor Daffy is so humiliating, he might as well be taking an Elmer Fudd cumshot). Inexplicably, Looney Tunes turned him into a selfish egotistical prick, like me. Nowadays, they've deteriorated Daffy Duck to throwing up gang signs with NBA players and shit.
It's kind of sad, really.
Meanwhile, if Art was trying to creep me out, he was successful ten fold.
You simply cannot be going around making esoteric pop-culture references to complete strangers and relying on them to 'get' you. It's downright inconsiderate. Granted, I knew exactly what he meant, but still. 99 times out of 100, no one in their right mind would know what "going all Daffy Duck" is.
So if this was a mid-90s sitcom, I would've said something along the lines of, "Hey pal, that woman is my niece!" followed by a left-hook to the hoots and stunned applause of the studio audience. Obviously though, I didn't say a word and scampered off yet again.
I found my niece and her daughter testing out a plushy green reclining sofa on the far side of the store.
"Okay, fuck this shit," I gasped, still half-drunk, "That guy Art is a fucking loon, man."
A nearby family of four pretended not to hear me.
Instead of a demeaning glare, Jenna and I were finally on the same page and she nodded understandingly. We grabbed Abbie's arms and the three of us hurriedly slinked out of that god-forsaken place like it was a middle-school and our kid just had diarrhea onstage during the climactic scene of Raisin in the Sun.
The dozing employee turned irritatedly on his side as Abbie loudly queried why we were leaving so soon.
"Mommy has to go poop really bad," I reassured.
This marked the fourth time in twenty minutes I'd scampered; a new personal record for me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2010-08-20 09:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a really good piece. Def worthy of b@w.
Submitted by Aidennn (user info) at 2010-01-08 05:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why the fuck do I have to be the only normal person in any given social situation?"
Best line ever.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2009-09-08 11:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2009-08-25 15:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-10 03:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-07-15 15:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was worth the read
although i'm a bit confused by your immediate anger with art, perhaps the sauce
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-26 09:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AM NOT.
UGH FUCK YOU!! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME. UGH.
YOU... UGH. FML.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2009-06-26 09:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
is ok
you're moody like a teenager though
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-26 04:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every furniture store has an Art.
I'm sure Ikea breed them somewhere.
Submitted by THERAPlST (user info) at 2009-06-26 03:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found a spelling error that i was going to correct you on, but i decided i'd rather light my arm on fire and fistfuck a goat because this post was so immaculate that my dick just turned to stone.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-25 13:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3 things:
1) This, "I'll have a cheeseburger and hold the condoms, goddammit.", makes you a good person
2) Fuck yeah, GZA.
3) I'm pretty sure that's Derrick Rose, either way I've lost respect for him, for just looking like that guy.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-25 09:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you picking on me jules!
Big whoop you beat Spain, England recently whooped Kazakhstan, Andorra and other Pseudo European heavyweights.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2009-06-25 09:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Odd that you chose the score that the US beat Spain by yesterday.
FEELING INADEQUATE EI?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-25 09:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Its a game of opinions Juls, a game of opinions.
Mines right, everyone elses is wrong.
therefore I win 2- 0.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2009-06-25 09:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sage's argument was not so much with the logic. You also used the word "whack" which means that citing the 1998 ruling in the US v. Wiggers means that I no longer have to continue this discussion.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-25 08:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think sage is a decent, nice, well meaning person...... but boy is she using fucking retarded logic on this post.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2009-06-24 23:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That woman you entered with... her dress is... oh my god." The sides of his mouth were moist with drool and his forehead was starting to perspire. The way he emphasized the word "god," made my asshole tighten. He licked his upper lip. "A woman like that makes me go all Daffy Duck, I must say."
Go all Daffy Duck? Who the fuck says something like that in public?
-----------------------------
Holy shit. My obliques hurt so bad.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-06-24 17:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-24 14:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Speaking of shooting oneself, I was just thinking literally two days ago, "Hmm. I think my new life's goal is to have a threesome with both chicks from Dirty Projectors." Next day, http://www.rockinsider.com/2009/06/dirty-projectors-in-serious-car.html
Lesson is, as always, pray to god I never think about having a threesome involving you.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-06-24 14:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sage just shoot yourself.
Please.
You are more of a retard than simon.
It's like you ACTIVELY strive to be stupid.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Furthermore, if you think about it, all the word "fuck" is...is four letters (three consonants and a vowel) that make up a sound. We are the ones that attribute a negative connotation/meaning/stigma to it and other "swear" or "bad" words.
Porn is sex and to expose children to sex at a young age is arguably irresponsible.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-23 13:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont get why parents are so protective about people swearing in front of their children. They're in denial at best. It's fucking retarted.
-----------------------------------------------
The same reason we don't show boys porn at 5, because yes it exists and odds are at some point in their life they will be exposed to it but that doesn't mean it has the same effect at 5 as it does when they are 12 and they find their Mum's Victoria's Secret catalog, or see softcore porn while staying up late watching telly one night at 14.
Obviously children are exposed to the realities of the world but the way in which they digest that information changes dramatically with age.
******************************************
Whack fucking argument, Juls.
People swear in movies all the fucking time. Many of my peers saw movies such as Terminator, National Lampoon's, etc. and there was plenty of swearing to go around in both of those movies, yet their parents let them watch it. Movies, some TV shows, tons of music, etc. features people using words such as bitch, fuck, shit, damn, hell, etc.
Porn is not in the mainstream media whatsoever. It may be hinted at but it's nowhere near as ubiquitous.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-23 13:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont get why parents are so protective about people swearing in front of their children. They're in denial at best. It's fucking retarted.
-----------------------------------------------
The same reason we don't show boys porn at 5, because yes it exists and odds are at some point in their life they will be exposed to it but that doesn't mean it has the same effect at 5 as it does when they are 12 and they find their Mum's Victoria's Secret catalog, or see softcore porn while staying up late watching telly one night at 14.
Obviously children are exposed to the realities of the world but the way in which they digest that information changes dramatically with age.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-06-24 12:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-24 11:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt2i0ts-uck&feature=channel_page
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2009-06-24 09:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhh just... made me laugh
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-06-24 07:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-24 04:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-24 03:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well that gave me the laugh I needed to start my day, thank you.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-23 21:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nobody_gets_out_alive (user info) at 2009-06-23 17:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me giggle
Submitted by SaintGutFree (user info) at 2009-06-23 17:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HAHA Charlize Theron's nipples. Always a topic for conversation.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-23 16:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:29:58 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got in an argument with my lunatic sister on Father's Day because she was hanging from a string which was connected to an extremely large, dying branch that my Dad is planning on cutting down and I yelled at her to stop so it wouldn't fall on her and crush her. She ripped me a new one for yelling at her and I said "someone please hand me a white fucking flag". There was a seven and ten year old child about 50 feet away from me and she got pissy that I said "the f-word" in front of the kids and continued to ream me out. I think she forgot to take her lithium/valium/prozac/xanax cocktail and had one too many Bud Lights.
I dont get why parents are so protective about people swearing in front of their children. They're in denial at best. It's fucking retarted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sage?
Is "retart" a tart restarting her tartish behavior?
heh
jus kiddin.
Sorry bout your grumpy sister....mind telling me why she was "hanging from a string"?
Submitted by GreatOdensRaven (user info) at 2009-06-23 16:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-23 16:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why the fuck do I have to be the only normal person in any given social situation?
~~~~~~~~
Hahahaaaaa
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-06-23 15:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont get why parents are so protective about people swearing in front of their children. They're in denial at best. It's fucking retarted.
=============================================
Easily as retarded as insipid cunts who can't spell retarded.
PS What are you doing back? GTFO.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-23 15:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-23 18:29:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont get why parents are so protective about people swearing in front of their children. They're in denial at best. It's fucking retarted.
------------
Huh? i dont think i just read that.
Unbelievable.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-23 15:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read but nice pic.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-23 15:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop being so awesome please. Oh, who am I kidding, I know you can't help it. You're definately a member of my Awesome club.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-23 13:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got in an argument with my lunatic sister on Father's Day because she was hanging from a string which was connected to an extremely large, dying branch that my Dad is planning on cutting down and I yelled at her to stop so it wouldn't fall on her and crush her. She ripped me a new one for yelling at her and I said "someone please hand me a white fucking flag". There was a seven and ten year old child about 50 feet away from me and she got pissy that I said "the f-word" in front of the kids and continued to ream me out. I think she forgot to take her lithium/valium/prozac/xanax cocktail and had one too many Bud Lights.
I dont get why parents are so protective about people swearing in front of their children. They're in denial at best. It's fucking retarted.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-23 12:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-06-23 12:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just thinking. It wasn't andy richter, was it? That one would be sweet.
---
Yup, that's who I had in mind. Would've loved it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-06-23 12:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me go all Daffy Duck.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-06-23 12:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just thinking. It wasn't andy richter, was it? That one would be sweet.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-06-23 12:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-23 11:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, no shit, Abbie.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-23 11:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, it took a lot more effort than that guy posting his wifes bad tits a few posts down...
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Those tits are preggo tits. I don't think you can make a fair assessment until they've had a chance to return to normal.
---
that's fair enough.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, it took a lot more effort than that guy posting his wifes bad tits a few posts down...
-------------------------
Those tits are preggo tits. I don't think you can make a fair assessment until they've had a chance to return to normal.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, it took a lot more effort than that guy posting his wifes bad tits a few posts down...
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all over win.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The story was mehvelous but a swimming pool in Maine? That's dedication.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for putting lots of effort and making me visualise what you just said but truthfully I cant read this post, I have post offices to rob and old women to sodomize.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I deem this post a success if only for one single person visualizing Daffy Duck catching a cumshot from Elmer Fudd.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-06-23 10:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 resisting the bandwagon.