Train(ing) it Day (707 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2009-07-01 08:50:00 EDT
I am only just able to tell this tale due to the fact that I have been having myself cleansed for nearly a week by a troop of Ethiopian slaves who needed a place to stay; apparently my cellar provides enough damp darkness for them to be more than happy, so I covered the floor with broken glass and added rats because slaves aren't supposed to be happy. I have never been a fan of 'Public Transport' I think that it may have something to do with my time in London where everyday I would be shut into a rapidly moving lunchbox with hundreds of sweaty strangers. Don't get me wrong I'm all in favour of getting sweaty with strangers but I like to control the 'Types' of strangers I come into contact with, and the sudden offer of someone's rather pungent armpit seems a bit rude, I at least need to be bought a drink first.
Last week the Inflatable lady had a wee accident in her car. No big deal just managed to bend a few items and scratch the paint work, turned out she was okay too which meant I had to squirrel away the life insurance policy again. So the she books her car into the garage to have the minor alterations required to make it look like she wasn't actually some stock car racer.
I was quite happy; after all it wasn't my car, so I thought nothing more about it and went back to my terribly important work. The next day she came up to me and asks me where my keys were. There is a moments pause as I look into her eyes with that look that all men get when suddenly confronted with the nagging feeling that we may very well have missed something rather important. I stared at her smiling and she just smiles back, my brain working ten to the dozen (whatever the fuck that means) as it desperately tries to remember what and when something was said. A vague image of me sitting at the computer whilst marvelling at some of the things some harlots are capable of inserting into themselves buzzed around in my mind. I still couldn't get over it I mean who in their right mind would want to stick a fucking bas.......I suddenly noticed that the smile had slipped from the inflatable ladies face, I was going to have to come up with something fast, so in a moment of pure genius I asked:
"Why?"
Of course with this amazing type of response her face crumples and takes on the guise of some evil dwarfish creature that has just had its name discovered.
"What do you mean WHY?"
At this point there is always the option of arguing and trying to gain back some of the upper hand that you never had in the first place. I normally choose a different tack though of just looking at her and smiling like some dribbling fool, I just wasn't feeling feisty that morning. Eventually the silence will be broken with her telling me exactly what happened anyway.
"I told you last night that I had to borrow your car today so that I could pick up my Gran and take her to the doctors."
I continue to smile and drool opening my eyes slightly too really pull off the pathetic look properly.
"You were working when I told you. Last night."
So there it is when I was busy 'working' I was apparently supposed to also be able to tune into whatever I am being told about. Instead my small little brain clicks into a problem that it has come up with.
"But how am I supposed to get to work? I have a meeting today so I have to be in and can't work from home."
At this point the smile returns to her lips as if it has always been there.
"You can take the train."
"But that doesn't go all the way I would have to get a bus too."
"It's only one way I will pick you up."
At this point my smile has gone and I am already starting to feel the sweat form as only a public transport journey can do.
She very kindly agreed to give a lift to the train station, very fucking benevolent in my view. When we pull up she leans across and gives me a kiss on the cheek and I looked out of the passenger window as if looking across a dessert that had to be crossed. I really didn't want to get out of the car and I think she may have picked up on that fact.
"Come on or you will be late. You don't want to miss your meeting."
I looked across at her and made some sort of gurning face.
"Come on Drogo or you will miss the train."
I got out and mumbled some sort of goodbye and then just stood there looking at the entrance to the train station clutching my laptop and my lunch bag like some child. She drove off giving a poop of the horn as she went, which actually nearly made me shit myself.
I bought my ticket from some idiot safely cocooned behind three feet of plasti-glass that made it impossible to understand them; I could only hope that the ticket I now clutched in my hand would actually take me to the right place. I then had the pleasure of trying to find which platform I was due to be leaving from. On finding this out I cursed myself for being so stupid because looking at the screen had been a pointless exercise and I may as well have just decided to find the furthest platform from where I was and go there. The train was of course due in about 1 minute time too, joy!
I literally legged it up the stairs and over the bridge as the train pulled into the station and could already see the mass of people getting ready to fight their way onto the bloody train before anyone had a chance to get off. I often imagine how many poor unfortunate people stand at the doors of a train as it gets into their station building themselves up for the impending fight just to get off the bloody thing.
I picked up my pace and by the time I got to the platform only myself and one other person remained to get on. I jumped, for no real reason as the train guy hadn't even blown his whistle yet, and arrived on the train introducing myself to some wide mouthed fool who seemed to like standing in doorways by bumping into him and spilling his choco-mocha-latte or something.
"Sorry" I puffed "Nearly missed it, not used to this."
He smiled and actually appoligised to me as he removed a hanky to clean his hands; nice how polite some people are for absolutely no reason. It also turns out that the train decided to sit at the station for another five minutes, so I decided to move into the carriage away from 'Door Coffee Dude' so that he didn't cotton onto the fact that I hadn't 'Nearly Missed it' at all.
I stood up and surveyed my surroundings. The main thing to see was that the train wasn't actually all that busy, bonus! Lifting up my bags I started to move down the carriage to find a suitable seat. I saw another man coming into the carriage from the opposite end. I then saw a perfect seat that contained two free seats next to each other, brilliant don't have to sit next to some weirdo. This was the only seat like that in the whole carriage; all the other seats were taken by people sitting on their own in just this fashion. I glanced up and saw that the guy coming in from the other end had also picked up on the 'Only' available seat and had picked up his pace. I tried to do the same but managed to bang my bags on the back of someone's head causing me to be slowed by another apology. The bastard beat me to it.
I now had no choices other than standing, which would be idiotic given that there were seats, or sitting next to someone I didn't know. I didn't want to appear that I was a wally so I made it look like I had always planned on going to a seat that had a woman sitting next to it. I politely asked if I could sit there and the sigh that issued was quite audible. I stood and waited whilst she picked up the copious amounts of bags that she had placed on the seat next to her. As she was doing this I thought that it normally took me much later into my day before I had pissed someone off, maybe this travelling lark wasn't all bad. With seat clear I plonked myself down and settled in for my journey.
It was at this point that I realised that the woman sitting next to me had obviously decided that the horrible perfume she liked to splash on her self made much more of an impact if you actually bathed in the crap. I have never been good with certain perfumes they make me sneeze like nothing on earth and it seemed that this particular day wasn't going to be an exception to the rule either.
Normally I carry tissues in my pocket I like the safety net of being able to blow my nose when I need to. Of course today would have to be the day when I didn't actually fill my pockets with mentioned tissuey goodness. I could also feel a rather hefty sneeze building up. I frantically searched pockets everywhere on me to no avail, and by this time my eyes were streaming too. The woman next to me was looking rather put out and maybe even a little terrified.
When I couldn't hold it anymore I let loose. It wasn't actually as bad as I had expected and my hands were not covered in a horrible slime so all seemed okay. Another little problem I have is that when I start sneezing it takes a rather long time for me to properly stop, true to form my body definitely wasn't going to disappoint. They just kept coming. Sneeze after sneeze after sneeze. The woman next to me probably would have left if she hadn't have been trapped by the window, a window she was slowly trying to melt into to get away from me with every sneeze.
I just couldn't stop. I tried but trying to force them to stop wasn't working. Then I felt it come. I knew it was going to happen as I felt the subtle shift in my nasal passage to indicate that the next run wasn't going to be dry like the others had. The whole carriage was now looking in my direction, some with concern and others looking quite worried probably fearing for some sort of swine type contamination.
When my body had decided that pretty much everyone who was going to look was looking it let loose on with its final hurrah.
I felt it and honestly tried to catch as much of it as possible, but there are always going to be unfortunate accidents. As I pulled my hand away from my face slightly I could feel the sticky bungee connecting my fingers and nose together, I also discovered that snot and beards really didn't go all that well together.
As I stood up holding my hand to my face I heard some chortles of laughter and some gasps. The woman next to me hadn't moved and just looked like she would never be clean again. I walked up the aisle towards the toilets and as I got there the ticket collector chose that moment to come through too and looked at me asking for my ticket. I tried to motion for him to let me use the toilet first but he shook his head and so I lowered my hand from my face and offered him the slightly grotty article that I had been clenching in my hand through the sneezing episode.
User Reviews
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have not noticed many men who carry tissue over here across the pond. Perhaps they should.
Did I say I liked this story?
I liked this story.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, I remeber getting the train. Reading the metro, listening to music as the world flashed by. Seeing the same people day after day for years, getting concerned when you don't see them for a while and never ever knowing their names. Hoping the pretty girl wouldn't sit next to you so that you could worship her from afar. Good times.
I should get rid of my car and just ride a bike to the train station.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-07-02 01:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I stood up and surveyed my surroundings. The main thing to see was that the train wasn't actually all that busy, bonus! Lifting up my bags I started to move down the carriage to find a suitable seat. I saw another man coming into the carriage from the opposite end. I then saw a perfect seat that contained two free seats next to each other, brilliant don't have to sit next to some weirdo. This was the only seat like that in the whole carriage; all the other seats were taken by people sitting on their own in just this fashion. I glanced up and saw that the guy coming in from the other end had also picked up on the 'Only' available seat and had picked up his pace. I tried to do the same but managed to bang my bags on the back of someone's head causing me to be slowed by another apology. The bastard beat me to it.
I now had no choices other than standing, which would be idiotic given that there were seats, or sitting next to someone I didn't know. I didn't want to appear that I was a wally so I made it look like I had always planned on going to a seat that had a woman sitting next to it.
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I know exactly how that feels.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-01 21:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny bunch of busturds.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-07-01 16:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-07-01 15:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-01 14:08:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take this the wrong way my good chap but nothing could convince me to go anywhere near you finger. In fact I would go so far as to say that I would rather run around brighton wearing nothing but my trainers and handing out poppers whilst screaming come get me you fucking poofters.
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be sure to let me know when, i'll bring my camera.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-07-01 15:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a) what a cunt for not offering you a tissue or scrap of newspaper or something, too bad you didn't sneeze on her.
b) what a cunt for not letting you use the bathroom when you were clearly covering your face for some reason other than being a muslim female or ugly and he completely deserved the snot ticket.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-01 13:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Public Transport is for cunts like......well, cunts like you, in this instance.
Although I would have asked the girl if she happened to have a tampon or sanity towel that I could have borrowed to clean myself up with. I wouldn't have even minded if she offered me a clean one.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-01 13:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
skrap sealed this ranking
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-07-01 12:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-01 14:08:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take this the wrong way my good chap but nothing could convince me to go anywhere near you finger. In fact I would go so far as to say that I would rather run around brighton wearing nothing but my trainers and handing out poppers whilst screaming come get me you fucking poofters.
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I'm not sure what's funnier, this comment or the post.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-01 12:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have wiped your hand off on the seat you were sitting in, and told the perfume bather to lay off it, or stay out of confined spaces.
Also, haiku, I accept blame for nothing, I only showed you the door, YOU walked through it.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-07-01 11:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She drove off giving a poop of the horn as she went, which actually nearly made me shit myself.
rather appropriate, really
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-01 07:52:42 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking LOL @ skrap
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking LOL @ skrap
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A vague image of me sitting at the computer whilst marvelling at some of the things some harlots are capable of inserting into themselves buzzed around in my mind.
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This line reminded me of spaceghetto.net
Blame monkeyswithguns.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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..................../``` /:::::::::::```~,.........lol at scrap
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Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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..................../``` /:::::::::as monster huge as my hand is, you'd think Kaos_King drew me
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Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Running to the train one day, I slipped and fell, ripping a hole in my tights and my knee. I fall alot. It's nice mingling with the unwashed masses though, teaches acceptance and humility. At least thats what I tell myself.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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..................../``` /:::::::::im unaware who you are or what dateline is, so you can fuck off
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Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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..................../``` /:::::::::::```~,.........Im Chris Hansen from Dateline, why dont you have a seat over there E.I.
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........................`\ • • ¯• • /-` / ``~-,.............___........../ • •'~,,,_• `• • • •`|• •\........
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Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Told you she was into homos.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-01 08:08:05 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take this the wrong way my good chap but nothing could convince me to go anywhere near you finger. In fact I would go so far as to say that I would rather run around brighton wearing nothing but my trainers and handing out poppers whilst screaming come get me you fucking poofters
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Hot
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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..................../``` /LLLLLLLLLLL```~,.........smell my finger drogo, smell it, smell it,
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Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take this the wrong way my good chap but nothing could convince me to go anywhere near you finger. In fact I would go so far as to say that I would rather run around brighton wearing nothing but my trainers and handing out poppers whilst screaming come get me you fucking poofters
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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..................../``` /:::::::::::```~,.........oh drogo you bumbling oaf, smell my finger
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Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-01 09:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know and I havent even got to the first stop yet. Stunning. its all about boredom really Em
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-01 08:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so whens all said and done, you sneezed over your hand and made a mess
i could have said that a lot quicker than you did.