MASSIVE update (1059 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.44 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (View user info) at 2009-07-03 08:46:33 EDT
Dear readers and avid hangers-on,
as you are no doubt aware I went to my niece's wedding last weekend.
It was a nice wedding, and undoubtedly I turned up.
My dad said "see you at 1:30."
1:30? But surely that was too early, the wedding was at 2...
Being the GOOD son (shout out to big pete), I ran across a four lane highway, tie in hand poking shirt into pants with the other, up over hill and dale sweat pouring down my back nevermind it was winter and slowed to a canter as I crested the front lawn of the church with it's understated winter blooms...
"Where the fuck IS ANYBODY??" I thought, not gasping for breath or even being unshaven. "wtF is going on??"
I sucked in deep breaths and re-untucked my shirt.
"jesus, wtf? Ima KILL Dad."
A young couple walked down the hill I'd just run up, nice looking people, she was pretty and he
was fit looking, balding but with the nuance to shave his head, a little girl in tow and an infant in a pram.
"Why hullo" I panted, "Where the fuck is my Dad?"
"who are you?" they asked.
"Why I'm the bride's uncle, I'm Uncle Danger."
The nice looking lady pulled her toddler daughter closer and said "listen we don't want any trouble."
"That's sweet" I said because I didn't want any either. Her husband/partner was a skinhead I just wanted to know why the FUCK I was at a wedding that started at 2 at 1:30.
Just then, my dad walked down the hill I'd just run up and with my sister. (I hadn't run up the hill with my sister my dad had walked down it with her - for ei and all the other morons).
Anyway back to me. I was like all wtf Dad you said 1:30, and he said wow you're early.
:\
So I kissed my sister on the cheek (you have to do that), spat into the understated church garden and flossed my lips on the roughly hewn sandstone of the church proper.
"Come inside" said Dad, we'll go sit up front in the family seats.
"up front?"
I madly re-intucked my shirt and when I tried to tie my tie DAD said let me help you.
"WTF DAD DON'T HOLD YOUR HANDS NEAR MY NECK THAT'S WEIRD"
"I....just want to help you with your tie...."
"he just wants to help you with your tie danger" my sister reiterated. "you want me to do it?"
[thinks back to sandpapering lips on roughly hewn sandstone]
"um, no. if it's all the same i'd just like to tie it in a maniacal self-tied way..who cares WHAT it looks like."
We walked into the church, Dad introduced me to people who apparently thought I was a fag, thanks Dad, and we sat in the' immediate family' pew.
".............."
"Come sit closer to the aisle Danger" Dad said. "I want to take photos when Hannah walks down and I can't hear your nonsensical gibberish from over there."
"..............i can hear me perfectly well from over here Dad", I replied fidgeting with my tie.
The wedding went well, the groom nearly passed out which I thought was the lolzerz until Dad reminded me from the other end of the pew about the time I passed out at a mate's wedding and ended up on funniest home videos, a bridesmaid patting me down with a diaper.
They took a group photo out in front of the church, I just happened to be standing next to the young good looking couple with the tot and the pram, who's youngest had cried throughout the entire ceremony.
"Oh so *you're* the culprit" I said, playing with my tie as the pretty young mother cradled her sleepy infant. "Go to sleep NOW why don't you now the wedding is over SLEEPYHEAD - how RUDE."
The nice looking couple frowned at me and moved a bit to the left.
but the reception was sweet. the Queensland Club - very posh. The Wallabies were playing the french in appreciation of my niece getting married and they had a room with an lcd playing it and everything.
"sweeeeeeeeeeet" I thought, weddings are gay but this is awesome, standing in front of the massive screen carefully undoing my tie.
"You like the rugby?" she asked.
omg, it was the couger that looked like forensic but fatter that my sister had warned me about.
"Watch out for her Danger" she warned. "She thinks you're a bit alright."
"who."
"that one - yes, that one...over there, she's not your sort."
"oh. the one that rubbed her pre-pubescent titties smaller than forensic's up against me a couple of times when we were drinking the bar dry while the wedding party were getting their photos taken."
"exactly."
-------------
'um yes it's alright....the rugby..."
"Can I get you another drink?" she slurred, staring at my nearly empty glass.
"um.............errrrrrrrrr.........that's not my glass?"
"WHAT ARE YOU A FAGGOT!"
That's not exactly how it tanspired but when she went to get me another drink I quickly texted a friend who thinks I'm frigid and she laughed and sent back "ahha you fucking queer - I'll ring you. Put me on speaker and I'll admonish you for being a philanderer."
"but you'll sound like a girl" I squealed back.
"good luck then liberace, wow that number 7 from france is hot."
5% body fat forensic came back, handed me my new beer and commented on how hot she thought male rugby fans were.
"that number 7 from france is dreamy" I replied, taking the beer.
"Funny, you're not pretty, successful, unatainable or even dressed well enough to be a fag, but you are. Go fuck yourself" plonking her gin and tonic down on the silky oak table.
I waited until she'd left, was out of sight and that gorgeous Matt Giteau scored a try, and pumped my fists in the air.
WINNARZ.
hm.
Yesterday I took my kids out to the bay to play on these massive trees they like to climb - it's holidays over here even though it's winter, and 25 degrees.
The trees they climb have branches that are as thick as the trunk of a thousand year old elm or fir, so heavy they are propped up with council made fixtures lest they touch the ground, branches that span an entire parkland.
I walked up to tell them they had half an hour before we went home and found my eldest sitting forlornly near the trunk of the biggest one, saying he hadn't even climbed it because these girls were stuck in the tree and afraid to move.
"they're english Dad" he said dejectedly.
I looked up and saw a smallish woman trying to coax them down.
"Can I help you?" I asked.
"Thank you" she said in her fortunately/never/caught/stealing/a/loaf-of-bread-or-horse convict tone. "I can't reach."
"Oh I see the problem, you're english, and your little english girls have tried to climb a big Australian tree."
"Actually we're Welsh."
"what's wrong with being english?" piped up some english twat kiddy with big ears sitting nearby.
"Nothing" I said, "I was just being silly", and helped the cute little welsh twins out of the big Australian tree.
"Hmph" said the welsh mother and without even a thankyou stomped off with her nose put all out of joint, the little welsh twins looking back at their incredible Australian hero, tears drying up on their snot ridden and dirt caked faces.
Later, on the way home the boys and I had a giggle about it.
"hmph!" she said.
"haha gay."
"are the welsh from lord of the rings dad?" [real question]
I chuckled knowingly and panicked on my insides. the young couple at the wedding and no sense of humour - who thought I was a kiddy fiddler....5% forensicgirl who thought I was a fag and hot for the french number 7......and now a recalcitrant welsh slut who thought I thought she was english...
None of it mattered. I was staring back in the rear vision mirror at my new beaut Australians, sort of 'recently' made in my own, indefatigable mould....one day THEY will take over, and things will finally make sense to people again, unless they are dickheads.
User Reviews
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-07-06 14:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-06 09:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-07-06 08:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-07-06 05:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy? No. Aroused? Of course!
P.s. It's not gay if one of you is a robot.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-06 03:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sigh yes red i want a bumming
i'm a total fag and want to suck your blue-veined junket pumper until the flesh comes off and it looks inside out
happy?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-07-06 03:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew you wanted a bumming!
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2009-07-06 00:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-05 19:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-05 07:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, good story and all, but I got a question here.
If your family thinks you're gay, but you aren't, why didn't you take that bitch in the broom closet and rail her loud enough for everyone to hear? I mean, that'd pretty much set them straight on the sexual orientation issue. Of course, I find the situation hi-fucking-larious, so by all means continue letting them think that and keep posting stories about it!
-------------
because, my dear hellrazer, I'm am not taken nor predisposed to....'railing' (as your's and Samuel's missives so eloquently describe), every vixen that may or may not be making advances of a coital nature with me being the possible beneficiary of their most base desires, no matter how infrequently that opportunity might present itself. One's standing is not based on sexual conquest, nor shall his peers judge him for it, but rather by how he presents himself, his carriage, grace and behaviour.
I was raised by my mother and father to be a gentleman, and a gentleman I shall and must remain. There are far more rewarding things in life than inviting a strumpet into yonder coat closest, and those things like love, children, quiet reflection will not leave you empty, souless and bereft of any last scrap of decency I doubt by your lewd suggestion you may still have left.
then again maybe I just like boys, who knows.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-07-05 09:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-05 07:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, good story and all, but I got a question here.
If your family thinks you're gay, but you aren't, why didn't you take that bitch in the broom closet and rail her loud enough for everyone to hear? I mean, that'd pretty much set them straight on the sexual orientation issue. Of course, I find the situation hi-fucking-larious, so by all means continue letting them think that and keep posting stories about it!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-07-05 06:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you keep ignoring me robot, I'll give you such a bumming
Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold (user info) at 2009-07-05 05:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Worst thing I wish I had never read.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-05 04:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow this is absolutely stellar!
Jawohl!
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-07-05 03:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-04 15:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""Oh I see the problem, you're english, and your little english girls have tried to climb a big Australian tree."
"Actually we're Welsh."
"what's wrong with being english?" piped up some english twat kiddy with big ears sitting nearby.
"Nothing" I said, "I was just being silly", and helped the cute little welsh twins out of the big Australian tree.
"Hmph" said the welsh mother and without even a thankyou stomped off with her nose put all out of joint, the little welsh twins looking back at their incredible Australian hero, tears drying up on their snot ridden and dirt caked faces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How rude and ungrateful not to thank you for the tree help.
Thanks for the wedding update.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-07-04 11:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:02:27 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is Rugby?
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2009-07-04 03:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-04 02:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 23:02:55 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
JoeyG its not spelt Ozzies................
its spelt 'illiterate cunts with no manners'
------------
Fuck you EI, I've had about enough of your cheek.
I'll set the koalas onto you and the roos with koalas in their pouches.
Your judging the whole continent on Melbourne and Canberra?
-----------
Someone is clearly from up north somewhere.
The heat does funny things to your brain. I'll stick with my rain and near freezing temp's down south thanks. Melb ftw.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-07-04 00:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fag. you should have railed fat forensic. on the couch. and blown just as giteau crossed the line (and as i also won money due to australia crossing the line first).
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forensic's titties are indeed small, but i bet she gives good arm-pit sex
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Funny, you're not pretty, successful, unatainable or even dressed well enough to be a fag, but you are. Go fuck yourself"
gold
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-07-03 14:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
new zealanders are from lord of the rings.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-03 13:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weddings are wonderful opportunities to see how bad you can behave in front of another family unit that you'll never have to see again.
i enjoy them.
mostly the drinking bit.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-07-03 13:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I much rather a good funeral than a bad wedding.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 23:02:55 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
JoeyG its not spelt Ozzies................
its spelt 'illiterate cunts with no manners'
------------
Fuck you EI, I've had about enough of your cheek.
I'll set the koalas onto you and the roos with koalas in their pouches.
Your judging the whole continent on Melbourne and Canberra?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So your Dad came down the hill that you went up... or did you go down the hill he went up? Did you meet half way or did you circle the globe until you met on the other side of the hill. Who builds a church half way up a hill anyway?
What the fuck is Rugby?
How come you keep alluding to your dubious sexuality? Have you been reading the Freud again?
PS
I don't think you are gay, just very effeminate.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Andy Murray
http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q225/flyguynyc7801/cyril.jpg
Forensic Girl
http://www.failshare.com/uploads/failthumbs/1223086819_Funny_sport_yao.jpg
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's times like these that make me miss Saxon.
-------------
way to gay up my post twiggy - go eat a happy meal.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COME ON RODDICK!!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why are the williams sisters looking so pasty?
and less muscley?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU ARE AN ARSEHAT JOEYG SO GET THE FUCK OUT. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP EI I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE TENNIS.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JoeyG its not spelt Ozzies................
its spelt 'illiterate cunts with no manners'
joke joke joke
id live in NZ if i could
JOKE
i liked melbourne, that was it, still liked it though, i nearly cried when i visited canberra :(
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's times like these that make me miss Saxon.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when did the ozzies spell arsehat with an r instead of an s? Come to think of it, why did the 'My Little Pony' franchise not make any life-size blow up ponies with strap on attachments. AND WHY THE FUCK DID I..........never mind.
You lived through a wedding. Kudos for that.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
7003 reviews.............
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:34:45 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, now. We know every fag must have his hag, so I may as well be yours.
====
I always preferred the term 'fruit fly.'
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'M NOT GAY YOU ARSEHAT
do you have any comics?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, now. We know every fag must have his hag, so I may as well be yours.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"are the welsh from lord of the rings dad?" [real question]
-------------------------
From the mouths of babes.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...weddings are gay...
NOT IN CALIFORNIA WE PASSED PROP 8!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GO FUCK YOURSELF MORTICIA
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"her nose put all out of joint" So you could talk Australian for a full half hour and make not a word of sense to me, but this I understand? I never liked that phrase. I didn't understand it as a kid and I don't now. I mean it's not even a joint.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
when 5 percent went off to get more drinks and I was madly waiting for further text instruction, I panicked and looked for a boy to kiss to emphasis my gay, but the only available menz were Skinhead/happily/married and a couple of nephews, and my nephews all had girlfriends.
:(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hear the cougar roooar
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
QUIT CALLING ME A COUGAR! I HATE YOU! COUGAR'S WEAR FAKE BAKE AND SYNTHETIC FINGERNAILS AND I DON'T!!!!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can just imagine the snotty welsh kids up the scary Australian tree.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
smaller tits than FG? NO WAY
you may as well be gay, you are calling guys fit, turning desperate women away and your dress sense seems to be improving.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow this is absolutely stellar!