Surreal stories of the Highway Patrol (1059 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.81 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maddog (View user info) at 2009-07-04 23:34:35 EDT
After reading this tripe, http://www.ubersite.com/m/122697 I had to counter with a REAL story of an actual event that I witnessed, participated in and later denied to my superiors.
I work in one of the "7 cities". It's a fairly large metropolitan area divided up into individual cities, each with their own bureaucracies, police departments, city governments, etc.
Being in such close proximity to other jurisdictions has resulted in some interesting occurences over the years. One such practice came to be known as the "Drunk Exchange War".
Every city has it's share of homeless, indigent, mentally unstable and plain old drunks. They tend to exist peacefully unless they wander into a "nicer" neighborhood, where the local gentry find their presence to be less than thrilling. They are quick to put their tax dollars to work, by calling the local PD to have these persons removed from their manicured parks and greenspace areas.
When I was a young patrol officer, my partner and I recieved a call of several "homeless" persons in a local neighborhood park. They were supposedly drinking, urinating on household pets and emitting odors that were less than palatable.
Sure enough, upon our arrival there were several folks of the homeless variety wandering around and sitting on the benches, talking to Elvis or lying on the grass. What made it a bit unsusual was the number of them--there were at least 10, which was larger than the usual number--and the fact that none of them seemed to be "regulars"--the drunks we knew and ran into from time to time.
While were were talking to them (violating their civil rights, for all you ACLU types), I asked one of them how he came to be here in the park. He said, "The PO-lice brought me." I asked the same question to a few others, and sure enough, the answer was the same.
This was intriguing. It turns out one of our sister cities had rounded up a number of their drunks, loaded them in a van, and deposited them in our city. It was an innovative solution to complaints of drunks and homeless, I had to admit.
Thus began the secret "Drunk Exchange War."
Fueled by this act of overt drunk transportation across city lines, other officer and myself began to reciprocate in kind. Instead of taking a drunk to jail, we would take him to the neighboring city and bid him adieu. Some protested, even chasing our police cars as we sped away from the "scene of the crime", but it beat going to jail.
The beauty of it was, due to the geographic location of the cities--we are bounded by water--the only way to get to the other city was through an under river tunnel--which does not allow pedestrian traffic. Thus, they were stuck there until redeposited back by the other jurisdiction.
We never saw the opposing force as we sparred and feinted. We revelled in our accomplishments of a successful "mission" and lamented our defeats of finding new drunks in our city. The homeless and drunks began to request to go to jail rather than to "P-Town".
This went on for weeks until we were told, quietly, but firmly, that this practice must cease. Our covert excursions had become noticable, but no action would be taken if both our sides called a truce.
Who actually won the war? I guess we'll never really know. Each side claimed victory, no doubt. I do know that there had to have been a great alcoholic sigh of relief from the drunk populations on both sides of the conflict.
User Reviews
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-08 23:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahha.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-07-08 15:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is friggin' hilarious.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-07-08 01:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W needs to be updated.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-08 00:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well D_R, those wonderful citizens you talk about managed to fuck up our/my department for several years before WE, brought it back under (our)control
they managed to shit-can all of our B+W cruisers and made us replace them with politically correct tan + white units
required everyone in the patrol division to wear ties and lids at all times(UN-FUCKING BELIEVABLE!!!)
required all officers to carry nothing larger than a 38cal revolvers (THANK GOD THEY LEFT US WITH DOUBLE ACTION !!)
no more shooting at or from moving cars
and on and on and on and then...
the hippys and Black Panthers showed up and it all got good again real quick
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-07-07 01:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't notice but it had got very dark and I was really
Really out of my mind.
Just then a policeman stepped up to me and asked us, said, "Please,hey,
would we care to all get in line, Get in line."
Well, you know, they asked us to stay for tea and have some fun; Oh, oh,oh.
he said that his friends would all drop by, ooh.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-06 17:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-06 04:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice picture of lungfish btw
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-07-06 14:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cops here will buy them a meal. then they buy them a bus ticket and give them a ride to the station.
out of sight, out of mind.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always enjoyed drunkard pong and our custody sergeants were rather appreciative as they hated having drunks in the cells, far too much work to deal with them.
Submitted by trilaac (user info) at 2009-07-06 10:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-06 10:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-07-06 10:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-07-06 08:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-06 05:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good fun.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-06 04:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cops have always been work shy, feathering their own nests http://www.ubersite.com/m/62680 malingerers with scant regard for the taxes law abiding citizens pay in expectation of efficient and effective police work, and an honest day's work - just look at joedaddy.
nice picture of lungfish btw
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-06 04:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm.
Submitted by Bobdacow (user info) at 2009-07-06 02:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-07-05 22:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2009-07-05 19:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack booted thug
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-07-05 17:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
cool
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-07-05 16:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. 7 Cities 54 up, 3 down
7 Cities or Seven Cities refer to the Hampton Roads region of Virginia, located in the state's extreme southeastern corner. Though there are several other counties and cities in the region, the name is derived from the 7 larger core cities that make it up; Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk, and Virginia Beach.
---------------------
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=7%20Cities
Direct cut & paste from the Urban Dictionary. See how cool Doodles is?
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-07-05 15:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-05 07:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"7 Cities or Seven Cities refer to the Hampton Roads region of Virginia, located in the state's extreme southeastern corner. Though there are several other counties and cities in the region, the name is derived from the 7 larger core cities that make it up; Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk, and Virginia Beach"
That?
I'm sorry that no one is familiar with your obscure references.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Exactly right. The cities in question here are Norfolk and Portsmouth (P-Town)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-07-05 15:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been this happens county to county in England.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-05 15:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a fake rab c nesbit?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-05 11:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking that this may have been the Tampa Bay area until you said there were tunnels.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-07-05 11:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-05 09:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Our police liked dump the drunks on us (hospital). Here all this time I thought there was a 'drunk tank.'
Or how about this? When the cops would pick up an undesirable/mentally ill/or drunk, they'd tell them about a magical place where there were beds and nice people in white would bring them food, and all they had to do to go there was tell one of the people in white that they wanted to hurt themselves.
End result would be you would have a smiley drunk, asking for a ham sammich, telling you he wanted to kill himself.
Fuckers. All of them.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-05 07:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. I hope you tazered them just a little bit.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-05 07:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"7 Cities or Seven Cities refer to the Hampton Roads region of Virginia, located in the state's extreme southeastern corner. Though there are several other counties and cities in the region, the name is derived from the 7 larger core cities that make it up; Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk, and Virginia Beach"
That?
I'm sorry that no one is familiar with your obscure references.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-05 04:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-05 02:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think it was the "talking to" part that violated their civil rights.
Meanie.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-07-05 01:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-07-05 00:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story
the Phoenix area? I can't think of any other large metro areas made up of several different cities.
But then again, manicured parks and rivers and underground tunnels? doesnt seem right.
I would ask but you probably shouldnt/wouldnt/couldnt say.
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2009-07-05 00:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! Well done.