Submit your favorite movie/TV quotes! (811 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.55 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CATAL (View user info) at 2009-07-06 18:20:56 EDT
Here's a few to get the ball rolling:
1. Wow, that's a lot of sea men!
Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank. I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley, stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Suck it out of a hose?
Yeah, suck it out of a hose.
2. Stop right there!
What are you doing with the flashlight Russel?
I'm supposed to stop you!
What are you gonna be Benjemin's Monkey-boy for the rest of your life?
Benjemin's my friend.
No. Benjemin is no one's friend. If he were an ice-cream flavor, he'd be pralines and DICK.
3. Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
4. Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up! (Oh Tobias, you blowhard!)
5. Well, it seems we are evenly matched. May the best man win, put it there... OH! The ring! I can't believe you fell for that! The oldest trick in the book! Wait, here, let me give it back to you... OH! You fell for that too! C'mon, what's with you man?!
6. I'm not an alcoholic, I just got a "little drunk" and kinda "accidentally" burned this building down when I threw a bag of flaming feces through the window.
7. I've said "Jiminy Jillickers!" so many times the words have lost all meaning!
Milhouse! We've got to do the "Jiminy Jillickers!" scene again!
But we already did it... It took 7 hours, but we did it.
Yes, but we've got to do it from different ANGLES! Again and again! And again and again and again!
User Reviews
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-11-08 23:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I swear I will never go hungry again". Vivian in Gone With The Wind
"I would go anyplace in the world with you now".{quivering lil voice - shining eyes gazing at her cowboy} Marliyn Monroe in "Bus Stop"
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-13 14:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"What the HELL are you doing?
The Heimlich Manuever ma'am, I belife it helps woman stop crying.
That's to stop people from CHOKING YOU IDIOT!
But you're not crying?
That's because it's really hard to cry when someone's trying to do the Heimlich Manuever on you,it really gets you on.
So then it worked."
Submitted by Spuzzum (user info) at 2009-07-11 19:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want, what they want, and every other guy who came over here and spilled his guts and gave everything he had, wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it! That's what I want!
- John J. Rambo, First Blood Part II
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-08 16:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Renton: Sick Boy's always been lacking in moral fiber.
Swanny: He knows a lot about Sean Connery.
Renton: That's hardly a subsitute.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-08 15:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm an electric car... I don't go very fast, or go very far... And if you drive me, people will think you're GAY!"
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-07-08 10:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*puts a wad of chew in his mouth*
"Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me."
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-07-08 08:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Psycho: The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.
Leon: Ooooooh.
Psycho: You just made the list, buddy. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.
Sergeant Hulka: Lighten up, Francis.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
See??? Shlongy isnt the only one...
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Today in the office, a young kid on my staff told me I was "a little harsh" in critiquing a creative concept of his. My response:
"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it. Felt I...owed it to them."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I easily quote at minimum, 3 Seinfeld, 2 Caddyshack and 1 Animal House lines every single day...and that's just during work hours.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-07 18:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah ha! I'm finally getting to you Schlongy! See, isn't it fun to play along?
I'm winning you over! (Even if you won't admit it)
Don't worry Schlongs, you can keep your love for me a secret.
(PS - The -2 was a nice touch, that'll throw people off, not realzing that in your heart you REALLY meant it to be a +2!)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-07 18:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Colored boy???I'll give you colored boy...."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-07 18:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Badlands just took the line I was going to use. Buahahahahaha..."Porterhouse".... So fuck this post.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2009-07-07 18:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Porterhouse!!! Look at the wax build up on these shoes! I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine shammy...I want them now. Chop chop.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-07 17:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And speaking of Martin Short in Father of the Bride...
"Oh yes, wonderful. Very nice. We change it all though."
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-07 17:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Personally, i think those lines are funny as hell. In the show Arrested Development, Carl Weathers (the actor, playing himself) is repeatedly shown to be a leech of a bum, those lines of dialogue are what exposit this.
Schlong-a-long-ding-dong, just chalk it up to experience that we have different senses of humor and will inevitably find different things funny.
This post was simply supposed to get people into the spirit of just typing in various quotes that they think are funny, just for the hell of it. You've never randomly quoted something to someone you know just for the hell of it?
I thought it would be fun to do it here and some people seem to be getting into the spirit, so nyah.
Even people who are -2ing this post are still adding quotes of their own.
So why don't you stop being a party pooper, huh?
"Cause every party has a pooper and that's why we invited you! Party pooper! George BAAAANKS!" (That was from Father of the Bride II, sung by Martin Short and his asian assisant with a Jewish name)
Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold (user info) at 2009-07-07 16:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
www.imdb.com
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-07 16:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-07 12:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa... There's still some meat on that bone. You throw that in a pot with a potatoe, some carrots, soup, baby you got a stew going!
Tobias Funke: I should march right down to that restuarant where my wife works-
Carl Weathers: Your wife works at a restuarant?
Tobias Funke: Um, well yes.
Carl Weathers: Does she get a shift meal or simply a discount on select menu items?
Tobias Funke: I don't know.
Carl Weathers: Well let's find out!
Carl Weathers: Hey Buster, I thought you had class.
Buster Bluth: I thought you had class! What's this, my brother-in-law fires you and you try to horn in on my girlfriend?!
Carl Weathers: It's nothing liek that, it's just two adults getting a stew on.
Buster Bluth: I don't know what that is, but it sounds disgusting!
Maybe I'm missing something, but there is nothing about this particular dialogue that is humorous, clever, thought-provoking or comical, in any way, shape or form.
Jesus H. Christ, this post stinks.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-07 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Scene 1
[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your
lord and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost
nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-07-07 13:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-07 12:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa... There's still some meat on that bone. You throw that in a pot with a potatoe, some carrots, soup, baby you got a stew going!
Tobias Funke: I should march right down to that restuarant where my wife works-
Carl Weathers: Your wife works at a restuarant?
Tobias Funke: Um, well yes.
Carl Weathers: Does she get a shift meal or simply a discount on select menu items?
Tobias Funke: I don't know.
Carl Weathers: Well let's find out!
Carl Weathers: Hey Buster, I thought you had class.
Buster Bluth: I thought you had class! What's this, my brother-in-law fires you and you try to horn in on my girlfriend?!
Carl Weathers: It's nothing liek that, it's just two adults getting a stew on.
Buster Bluth: I don't know what that is, but it sounds disgusting!
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2009-07-07 11:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What an original idea. This has NEVER been done on Uber.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-07-07 11:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"you mean coitus?"
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-07-07 11:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded".
and...same movie...
"Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens".
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-07 11:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOL @ HellRazer's
Lisa: Nobody will ever like me...
Bart: Milhouse likes you.
Lisa: Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast!
The Dude: That's... *toke* a bummer, man...
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-07 10:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Easy man! There's a beverage here."
"Ze goggles!! Zey do nothing!!"
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-07 10:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Movie-
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!
Television-
Roger the Alien: You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?
Klaus: I'm German. It's what we do.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-07-07 10:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Ah well, I attended Julliard. I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I lived through the black plague and I had a pretty good time during that. I'VE SEEN THE EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER, EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY HERE!!! Now what do you think? You think I'm qualified?"
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-07 08:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you didn't kill him, then who did, sir?
Who can say? Best thing for him, really. His therapy was going nowhere.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-07-07 08:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, 'Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!'? Yeah. Do you guys do that?"
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-07-07 08:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'When you're in jail, in some hick town and you're taking it up the ass from Otis the Drunk, don't call me, you'll be on your own bro'
'No I wont, I'll have Otis'
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-07 08:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Shut the fuck up, Donny."
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-07-07 08:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jules: [Vincent and Jules are cleaning the inside of the car which is covered in blood] Oh, man, I will never forgive your ass for this shit. This is some fucked-up repugnant shit.
Vincent: Jules, did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he's wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? Have you ever heard that?
Jules: Get the fuck out my face with that shit! The motherfucker that said that shit never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull on account of your dumb ass.
Vincent: I got a threshold, Jules. I got a threshold for the abuse that I will take. Now, right now, I'm a fuckin' race car, right, and you got me the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a race car in the fuckin' red. That's all. I could blow.
Jules: Oh! Oh! You ready to blow?
Vincent: Yeah, I'm ready to blow.
Jules: Well, I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm Superfly T.N.T., I'm the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOIN' IN THE BACK? YOU'RE THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO SHOULD BE ON BRAIN DETAIL! We're fuckin' switchin'! I'm washin'
the windows, and you're pickin' up this nigger's skull!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-07-07 07:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maz: I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.
Johnny: Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.
Artie DeVanzo: You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.
Maz: Alright, here it comes.
Johnny: You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.
Artie DeVanzo: You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.
waitress: Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?
Maz: Thank you.
waitress: Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.
Maz: That's right.
waitress: Do you want a side order of cock with that?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-07-07 07:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorority girls are already wild. We want to see the girls GOING Wild.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-07-07 04:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you may as well pack it in. Game over.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-07 04:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"The "man-gina": it's a professional term we man-whores use to describe our he-pussy."
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-07 03:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
how about just an entire page of spaceballs quotes.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-07-07 02:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111946
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-07-07 01:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But I poop from there....."
"Not anymore you don't"
And we can't forget:
"I need lube!"
"YOU NEED NOSSING!!!"
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-06 22:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5 is Spaceballs when Dark Helmet and Lonestar are dueling (I see your Schwartz is as big as mine).
6 is from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia when Charlie has to go to AA.
-------------------------------------
Never finished Space Balls, but I recognized the episode on #6 as soon as you jogged my memory. I loved how Charlie got pissed at the old guy for telling on him for drinking at the AA meeting.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-06 21:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...And I LOVE "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-06 21:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Those are 7 extremely irrelevant and not very comical "quotes".
THANKS FOR GETTING THE BALL ROLLING.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
George Nelson: Cows! I hate cows worse than coppers!
[fires his Tommy gun at them]
Delmar O'Donnell: Oh, George... not the livestock.
Legends of the Fall (1994)
One Stab: Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'd like to see Richard Burton or Sir John Gielgud or Sir Laurence Olivier do 'Macbeth', memorizing all that dialogue, and have a boner." - Ron Jeremy.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry Larry, i'm leaving. I can't take this anymore.
What?! What are you talking about?
What am I talking about? Are you serious? Everything Larry, everything! The consatnt whining, you never want to do anything. You talk during sex.
Lots of people talk during sex!
Yeah, but it's not dirty talk! You make chit-chat, like how stupid people are who can't tell the difference between real crab and fake crab!
Oh! You've got to be a moron not to be able to tell the difference between real crab and fake crab!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think it's immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5 is Spaceballs when Dark Helmet and Lonestar are dueling (I see your Schwartz is as big as mine).
6 is from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia when Charlie has to go to AA.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-06 19:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are numbers 5 and 6 from?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-06 18:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
THE PRICE IS WRONG, BITCH.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2009-07-06 18:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll play (from the little know gem 'Big Shots'):
Johnnie Red: I can walk on water, eat bullets, and shit ice cream!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scam: So, what's your name?
Obie: Obie. Obediah. It's in the bible. What's yours?
Scam: Scam. It's in the bible too.