Craigslist + Free = Holy Shit! (1380 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.29 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nevadadrifter (View user info) at 2009-08-03 01:08:59 EDT
How many of you have one of "those rooms" in your house? The room that is meant to have a higher purpose (office, nursery, guest bedroom) but ultimately gets filled with all the miscellaneous shit that you can't find anyplace else for. I have, or HAD, one of those rooms until last week. I decided that it was time to clean it out and turn it into a proper home office so my wife would be able to study at home instead of going to Starbuck's or Barnes & Noble. We called it the office, mainly because it had a computer and printer in it, but mostly it was full of crap that we probably shouldn't have kept in the first place. Things like big tupperware type bins filled with various holiday gift wrap, old printers that I felt were "still worth something" when we upgraded to a new one, empty CD cases, old college textbooks from the 1990's, etc.
We ordered a new desk a few weeks ago, and knowing it was going to be showing up fairly soon, I decided I couldn't put the task off any longer. I decided the best plan of action was to start off by making 2 piles. One for things I knew we had no need for. I would call this the "trash pile". The other pile would consist of things I either wanted to keep, try and sell, or discuss with the wife before throwing it away. This was the "maybe pile". Not the best system, but it seemed to work okay.
At first.
Then I found that the maybe pile was growing much larger than the trash pile. If this was going to work, I was just going to have to say "fuck it" and throw out everything that was not of value. Everything started going in the trash. First the schoolbooks, then the wrapping paper and empty CD cases. I unearthed a pile of old bills from 2003 sitting in the closet, and sat them aside to go in the shredder. We have some creepy looking Asian man who roams our neighborhood every trash day, digging through trash cans and looking for cans and bottle to recycle. We've all asked him to stop, but believe it or not, it's legal (at least in Nevada) and there is nothing that law enforcement will do about it. As a result, we've taken to shredding the hell out of any paperwork with any personal information on it before we toss it in the trash.
When all the crap was sitting out on the curb, I was left with 4 items that I still could not bear to just toss away. 2 HP color printer/scanner/copier/fax/photo machines, an older Canon printer, and an older computer desk that was still in pretty good shape. I figured I would toss them all up on criagslist and try to get a few dollars for them. Then the phone rang. It was Pottery Barn letting me know that our new desk had come in, and we needed to pick it up by no later than Sunday. For the sake of getting the office completely gutted, painted and ready for the new desk, I decided it would be easier to forget about making a few bucks and just give this crap away. I figured if I was lucky, I might be able to get rid of it all by the following afternoon before I had to leave for work.
I snapped a few quick pictures, and composed (in my opinion) a witty craigslist ad. I submitted the ad, and sat there refreshing the page every few minutes until I saw that it had been posted to the free section. Within a minute of the ad appearing, I had received my first email. The person writing said they would be happy to take all of the items, and said they could be out within a few hours. I quickly responded back, and said that if they promised to take everything, I would hold it for them and immediately remove the ad. In the time it took me to compose my response, I had over 20 other emails. Most people seemed to be interested in the desk, but some wanted one or all of the printers. A few more minutes ticked by. It had now been 15 minutes since the ad first appeared, and I now had 63 new messages in my inbox! I replied to all emails at once, letting everyone know that I was flooded with interest in these items, and they would be released on a first come, first serve basis. I also said I would keep the ad updated and remove items as they are picked up.
And soon, the 6 hour freak parade started. 30 minutes after the ad was posted, the first person knocks on my door. The guy asks if I still have the desk, and I tell him he is the first to show up, and he is welcome to whatever he would like to take. He yells back to the woman sitting in the passenger seat of his Ford Taurus "We're the first to show up Hon', they still have the desk". He then proceeds to pump his fist triumphantly in the air, as if he has just won the world series. I invite him in to the house, as I was not able to move the desk to the front yard by myself. I ask him how he plans on fitting this into his Taurus, and he informs me that he thinks if we turn it upside down, we can slide the top part into the trunk. He will then rope off the top part, and tie it to the trunk lid for support. Amazingly, it fits, but just barely. I remind him that there are only 4 screws holding the top part onto the bottom. The bottom is significantly heavier than the top, and I doubt this crappy desk was engineered to be safely transported this way. Again, he reassures me that it will be fine. I begin walking back into the house as another vehicle pulls up. A large woman crawls out and begins tromping her way up my driveway. I tell her that if she's here for the desk, it's obviously gone, as the overexcited fist-pumper is still busy with 30 feet of rope trying to anchor it down to his car. She tells me it's okay, as she came to pick up the printer.
I walk with her to my front door, show her the printers and ask her which one she would like. She takes both of the scanner/copiers, leaving me with only the older color printer. I walk inside, and remove the claimed items from the craigslist ad. I check my email again, and now have another 40 new messages. I reply to all of them, as well as all previous emails, informing people that I only have the 1 printer left. I pat myself on the back for a job well done, and sit down to enjoy a movie. The doorbell rings again. It's the first person who emailed me and said he would take the whole lot. He's even hooked a small trailer up to his car in order to haul the desk. I apologize, and tell him I didn't expect such an influx of people showing up take take a bunch of (what I considered) junk off my hands. He is visibly frustrated, and understandably so, since I did promise to hold all the items for him. He does take the last printer, and asks if he can take the plastic bins full of gift wrap sitting on the curb as well, which I am happy to let him have.
And here's where it gets a little weird... So far, everyone who has shown up at my door has been able to get something for free, even if it wasn't what they expected. Now I am faced with people showing up expecting free shit, and me having to tell them it's all gone. It's sort of like when you are too generous with your Halloween candy, and run out before the last of the late night teenage trick-or-treaters show up. You hope for the best, but won't be entirely surprised to wake up the next morning to find everything in your front yard covered with toilet paper.
I don't even have time to remove the final printer from the craigslist ad before three other vehicles show up all at once. I cut them off before they reach the door and try to politely explain that everything has been claimed. 2 of the 3 people take it well, but the third feels the need to explain that he drove "all the way from town" (20 miles) to get here, and feels he should be reimbursed for his travel expenses. I tell him that I am not giving him gas money, I removed each item as soon as possible from the ad, and did state that it was a first come basis. He mumbles something under his breath, climbs into his pickup and drives away.
Now getting frustrated, and wanting to finish my copy of "Watchmen" in peace and quiet, I grab a Sharpie marker and tape a note on my front door stating that everything is gone. It works pretty well. I hear a few people pull up, but they all read my sign and go away without knocking on the door. But of course there's always going to be some asshole who won't take no for an answer. The doorbell rings, and I pause the movie to answer the door. Some big fat redneck wearing camo suspenders over his "deer hunting" t-shirt is waiting at the door. Seriously, his shirt just had a picture of a deer and the words "deer hunting" on it! "I'm here about the desk" he says, before I even have a chance to say hello. I launch into my now memorized speech, and begin telling him that like the sign on the door says, everything has been taken. He cuts me off mid sentence and asks "What the hell kinda fucked up shit is on yer TV?" I turn around and discover that I have paused the TV on a nice shot of Dr. Manhattan's glowing blue CGI cock. Ignoring his question, I step outside, close the door behind me and finish my explanation. Still not happy, the angry deer hunter tells me I "probably didn't even have any free stuff to give away. I probably think it's funny to just make up ads like this and count how many poor people show up on my doorstep." I go so far as to invite this individual into my home, so he can see the pictures of where this crap WAS sitting, and also take a look at the empty room. He declines, but continues ranting, presumably to himself, as he walks back to his truck and drives away.
I walked back to the house, sat back down and resumed my movie. But the redneck's words echoed in my head. He was partially right. I DO think it would be funny to post bogus "free" ads on craigslist, and sit back and watch the poor people show up. But not at my address. Then I would have to deal with more angry people. It would be far more amusing to "give away" a slightly used Xbox, but list the address as my neighbors house. Then I can just pop open a cold beer, crack the blinds a little, and watch the poor people show up at someone else's house!
User Reviews
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2009-08-04 18:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-04 13:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why are you showing me penii? this is NOT what i come to uber for.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Long, but actually worth the read.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2009-08-03 15:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"deer hunting"
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Points for this user...
Submitted by replicate (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-08-03 20:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This was going to be a solid +2, until I saw the pic at the bottom.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-08-03 19:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-03 19:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-08-03 17:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if random pictures of penises would keep people out of my office.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-08-03 17:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasn't the worst post of the day on Uber...But it was in the Top 6.
I think there were only 6 new posts today.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-03 16:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have enemies, I have addresses, and this is just the type of passive, anonymous revenge technique I've been looking for.
THANK YOU KINDLY, SIR.
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2009-08-03 15:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"deer hunting"
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-08-03 14:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did a spit-laugh when I got to the last past.
Now, to clean the globs of skoal from the keyboard...
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2009-08-03 12:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the hell kinda fucked up shit is on yer TV?"
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-08-03 11:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2009-08-03 11:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-08-03 09:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Craigslist has really gone downhill. All the job postings are spam. ALL OF THEM.
Submitted by Awesome (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
People are stupid, including yourself. You would have been best suited to just curb it with a sign.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
look tuts, you cant sleep with berty, he's taken
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 20:03:02 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love reading the free section of the newspaper, I have never gotten anything for free though. It hilarious what people will give away. Free: half a tin of white paint and a dining room setting with no legs or Free: opened bag of rabbit pellets. Can't people throw anything away?
Annnnnd FYI EI, I loved Bertys loooong review. But then I can read above a fourth grade level.
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That is harsh, man. EI just thinks in pictures.
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I know a girl like that, she adds up in colours like brown + blue = green. Which could be 23 + 40 = 63.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love reading the free section of the newspaper, I have never gotten anything for free though. It hilarious what people will give away. Free: half a tin of white paint and a dining room setting with no legs or Free: opened bag of rabbit pellets. Can't people throw anything away?
Annnnnd FYI EI, I loved Bertys loooong review. But then I can read above a fourth grade level.
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That is harsh, man. EI just thinks in pictures.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love reading the free section of the newspaper, I have never gotten anything for free though. It hilarious what people will give away. Free: half a tin of white paint and a dining room setting with no legs or Free: opened bag of rabbit pellets. Can't people throw anything away?
Annnnnd FYI EI, I loved Bertys loooong review. But then I can read above a fourth grade level.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yo mama.
Seriously, crap? CRAP?!
Crap could be a word for shit, but it also denotes general junk. As in, "I've got way too much crap." or "Sorry, can't join you all for drinks. Got too much crap to take care of."
But nooooo! There are British filters that see the word crap and are all like, "Oh balderdash and bother! Horrid vulgar Yanks with their toilet mouths. Send it to the obsenity bin, Reginald. That's a good lad."
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
filthy whore
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't censoring. It was like I was looking for a word(s) to describe that the sheep had a sex doll hole in its anus.
If I was censoring, it was subconsciously because stiff, constipated British filters have made me paranoid.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i really dont want to buy one
really dont
did you just feel typing asshole was too dirty?
so replaced it with a..hole?
or were you just being american and calling it an a-hole?
questions, questions, questions
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure you could find an inflatable monkey on Craigslist. Or E-bay. Which is where I've been killing a lot of my time, looking at strange things.
I knew a guy who had an inflatable sheep with a...hole. I've learned since then not to ask questions.
o_0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i shudder to think where hurtys inflatible monkey has been
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It is scottish so; jobless.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i shudder to think where hurtys inflatible monkey has been
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-03 11:45:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 04:55:30 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ive got a couple of beach balls in my trousers
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And here I thought it was Hurty's inflatable monkey.
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Leave my monkey out of it!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*waves fingers in air and makes complicated hand gesture*
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 04:55:30 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ive got a couple of beach balls in my trousers
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And here I thought it was Hurty's inflatable monkey.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A solid +1.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
******SILENCE*********
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well that's fine for you but what about the 14 year old?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BREAKING NEWS
******EI has been hung , drawn and quartered**********
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you were 15 then everything you did was perfectly legal. Curiously enough though, telling us about it is actually illegal under UK legislation.
Isn't that fucked up? Or is it? Maybe we should never talk about sex, least of all sex that happened in our teens. Honestly, it'd be best if we could just undergo surgery to expunge all memory of the whole sordid event.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i once went out with a girl called a Lexus, she was 14 and i was 15
actually perhaps i shouldnt tell this story
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 06:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
EI you are fast approaching becoming the lowest common denominator. It is only a matter of time before you purchase a Lexus and a Blackberry.
Sometimes it makes me think about that poem, the one by Yates that was quoted at the beginning of Wing Commander 4 by Malcolm McDowell, but then it always gets me thinking about gyroscopes.
And perhaps that is what David Cameroon means by the "broken society" he's so obsessed with, but he went to public school and is not to be trusted.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ive got a couple of beach balls in my trousers
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What were we talking about again?
Ah, yes. Art.
Which is not to say that we weren't also talking about fun. Namely my fun, but also yours. Anyway I am at work and rambling on in a well crafted way is about as much fun as I am able to have.
There are no beach balls in my office.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You see EI that is EXACTLY the kind of disconnect I was talking about. It is a road that goes both ways. Or rather doesn't, if you get my meaning.
Just as the Japanese are preoccupied with the image of a wise man, who has all the answers, writing knowledge in the sand only to be swept away by the indifferent tide so am I preoccupied with painting pictures in the sky with words.
Whilst you may be the indifferent tide, you are safely buried beneath the sky and unable to impact upon my whistful communication.
*pauses*
Actually that is a suprisingly beautiful and coherant metaphore compared to my usual dross. Today I will buy myself a present to celebrate.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
reviews of about 4 lines, great, thats readable but anything longer, quite frankly thats dull, i may brush over it, gathering the relevant points. Then its just BLAH BLAH, two lines is best.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Besides, what's wrong with a long review?
Surely when we consider that everything I write/utter is quality then a long review from Berty is just quality on a far larger scale.
Which is to say nothing of the honour of it all.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats how it's spelt. revoews
IDIOT
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus 2
The old 'room full o crap'. Mine is stacked deep with old moving boxes, a desk that is way too big for the room, an old filing cabinet full of random half important documents that meant something a decade ago and winter blankets. such a waste of space
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shut up EI. Everyone knows that dyslexics don't have real feelings.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
berty, stop leaving such long revoews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 04:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sorry, I just feel kind of excercised by all this. Neva is clearly a good man; he went to university and never cheats on his wife with whom he has a responsive & communicative relationship which is probably built upon a firm foundation if penetrative sex. It's all very solid stuff.
The post that is, not his wife.
And I just wanted to make it clear that I respect him, I really do, and what he is trying to achieve but that it just doesn't make me think "fuck, this man is a prophet" like what Bill Hicks and other notable americans have done. Does that make sense?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 04:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright here's the thing. If you have a room, a whole room, in your home that is so surpless to requirement that you basically use it as a big cupboard then you have:
A) Too big a home.
AND
B) Too much crap.
This means that you are vulgar. Which is cool of course, dare say it has been the message and the march of your whole upbringing.
Personally I blame Hulk-o-mania but that is by the by.
What I'm trying to drive at, whilst circling the issue like a hang glider round an updraft, is that because both you, your life and, by implication, your very philsosphy are vulgar then so to is anything else you write. Or at least that is the assumption.
And it is only an assumption. That's just me looking at how your life turned out and working backwards. To say that vulgar is your rosebud would be unfair and lazy.
Then again, we see sprinklings of tupperware, Starbucks and the allure to having a room in your house reffered to as "an office". These are not relics of the blue collar worker, of a man whose concept of hardship is having to work long hours to shore up half understood values of duty and family life. Rather they are the trappings of fat comfort which contain all the hidden dramatic tension of bacon.
Which is not to say that bacon is not without it's allure, of course. Please understand that I am not about to crusade against bacon, nor try to define it as vulgar. It's just an analogy dude.
Also I'd hate to be taken out of context on my stance on class. I hate the working man and revile the blue collar. Death to both. One day I pray that we shall all find ourselves whithin the clammy embrace of the brown stain that is vulgarity. We shall all comfottably be able to judge our lives on the weight of junk that lies unused in our homes, the statistical achievments of our families ("My wife's tits weigh 4.3 killograms each!" "Oh yeah? Well Brad Junior's ball sack makes up 1.1% of his entire body mass!") but I do worry about the lack of sincerity.
Which is the other thing I'm trying to get at.
There's a lack of it here, I think. At least a lack of what I recognise as sincerity. Perhaps it is a cultural thing, like how a poor indian from Delhi might not realise his faux pas after gobbing on the pavement halfway through a conversation.
So yeah, I found the post difficult to engage with. Just felt like you deserved some sort of an explanation.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 04:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf im not reading all that
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2009-08-03 03:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-08-03 03:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
s'okay
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-08-03 02:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
too long.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-08-03 01:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mildly amusing.