Craigslist + Wang = Holy Shit! (725 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.52 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by stok (View user info) at 2009-08-03 07:07:00 EDT
Well basically I just took his post and replaced a lot of the words with the word wang. So...yeah.
How many of you have one of "those wangs" in your house? The wang that is meant to have a higher purpose (office, nursery, guest bedwang) but ultimately gets filled with all the miscellaneous shit that you can't find anyplace else for. I have, or HAD, one of those wangs until last week. I decided that it was time to clean it out and turn it into a proper wang office so my wife would be able to study at wang instewang of going to Starbuck's or Barnes & Noble. We called it the office, mainly because it had a computer and wang in it, but mostly it was full of wang that we probably shouldn't have kept in the first place. Things like big tupperware type bins filled with various holiday gift wrap, old wangs that I felt were "still worth something" when we upgraded to a new one, empty CD cases, old wang textbooks from the 1990's, etc.
We ordered a new wang a few weeks ago, and knowing it was going to be showing up fairly soon, I decided I couldn't put the task off any longer. I decided the best plan of action was to start off by making 2 piles. One for things I knew we had no need for. I would call this the "wang pile". The other pile would consist of things I either wanted to keep, try and sell, or discuss with the wang before throwing it away. This was the "wang pile". Not the best wang, but it seemed to wang okay.
At first.
Then I found that the wang pile was growing much larger than the wang pile. If this was going to work, I was just going to have to say "fuck it" and throw out everything that was not of wang. Everything started going in the wang. First the schoolbooks, then the wang paper and empty CD cases. I unearthed a pile of old wang from 2003 sitting in the closet, and sat them aside to go in the shredder. We have some creepy looking Asian wang who roams our neighborhood every wang day, digging through wang cans and looking for cans and bottle to recycle. We've all asked him to stop, but believe it or not, it's legal (at least in Nevwanga) and there is nothing that law enforcement will do about it. As a result, we've taken to shredding the hell out of any paperwork with any wangal information on it before we toss it in the wang.
When all the wang was sitting out on the curb, I was left with 4 items that I still could not bear to just toss away. 2 HP color wang/scanner/copier/fax/photo machines, an older Canon wang, and an older computer wang that was still in pretty good shape. I figured I would toss them all up on criagslist and try to get a few dollars for them. Then the phone wang. It was Wang Barn letting me know that our new wang had come in, and we needed to pick it up by no later than Sunday. For the sake of getting the office completely gutted and painted for the new wang, I decided it would be easier to forget about making a few wangs and just give this wang away. I figured if I was lucky, I might be able to get rid of it all by the following afternoon before I had to leave for wang.
I snapped a few quick pictures, and composed (in my opinion) a witty wanglist wang. I submitted the wang, and sat there refreshing the page every few minutes until I saw that it had been posted to the wang section. Within a minute of the wang appearing, I had received my first email. The wang writing said they would be happy to take all of the wang, and said they could be out within a few hours. I quickly responded back, and said that if they promised to take everything, I would hold it for them and immediately remove the wang. In the time it took me to compose my response, I had over 20 other wangs. Most people seemed to be interested in the wang, but some wanted one or all of the wangs. A few more minutes ticked by. It had now been 15 minutes since the wang first appeared, and I now had 63 new messages in my inbox! I replied to all wangs at once, letting everyone know that I was flooded with interest in these items, and they would be released on a first come, first serve basis. I also said I would keep the wang updated and remove items as they are picked up.
And soon, the 6 hour freak parade started. 30 minutes after the wang was posted, the first wang knocks on my door. The guy asks if I still have the wang, and I tell him he is the first to show up, and he is welcome to whatever he would like to take. He yells back to the woman sitting in the passenger seat of his Ford Taurus "We're the first to show up Hon', they still have the wang". He then proceeds to pump his fist triumphantly in the air, as if he has just won the wang series. I invite him in to the house, as I was not able to move the wang to the front yard by myself. I ask him how he plans on fitting this into his Taurus, and he informs me that he thinks if we turn it upside down, we can slide the top part into the trunk. He will then rope off the top part, and tie it to the trunk lid for support. Amazingly, it fits, but just barely. I remind him that there are only 4 screws holding the top part onto the bottom. The bottom is significantly heavier than the top, and I doubt this wang was engineered to be safely transported this way. Again, he reassures me that it will be fine. I begin walking back into the house as another vehicle pulls up. A large woman crawls out and begins tromping her way up my driveway. I tell her that if she's here for the wang, it's obviously gone, as the overexcited fist-pumper is still busy with 30 feet of rope trying to anchor it down to his car. She tells me it's okay, as she came to pick up the wang.
I walk with her to my front door, show her the wangs and ask her which one she would like. She takes both of the scanner/copiers, leaving me with only the older color wang. I walk inside, and remove the claimed items from the wanglist wang. I check my email again, and now have another 40 new messages. I reply to all of them, as well as all previous emails, informing people that I only have the 1 wang left. I pat myself on the back for a job well done, and sit down to enjoy a movie. The doorbell rings again. It's the first wang who emailed me and said he would take the whole lot. He's even hooked a small trailer up to his car in order to haul the wang. I apologize, and tell him I didn't expect such an influx of people showing up take take a bunch of (what I considered) junk off my hands. He is visibly frustrated, and understandably so, since I did promise to hold all the items for him. He does take the last wang, and asks if he can take the plastic bins full of gift wrap sitting on the curb as well, which I am happy to let him have.
And here's where it gets a little weird... So far, everyone who has shown up at my door has been able to get something for free, even if it wasn't what they expected. Now I am faced with people showing up expecting free shit, and me having to tell them it's all gone. It's sort of like when you are too generous with your Halloween candy, and run out before the last of the late night teenage trick-or-treaters show up. You hope for the best, but won't be entirely surprised to wake up the next morning to find everything in your front yard covered with toilet wang.
I don't even have time to remove the final wang from the wanglist wang before three other vehicles show up all at once. I cut them off before they reach the door and try to politely explain that everything has been claimed. 2 of the 3 people take it well, but the third feels the need to explain that he drove "all the way from town" (20 miles) to get here, and feels he should be reimbursed for his travel expenses. I tell him that I am not giving him wang money, I removed each item as soon as possible from the wang, and did state that it was a first come basis. He mumbles something under his wang, climbs into his pickup and drives away.
Now getting frustrated, and wanting to finish my copy of "Wangmen" in peace and quiet, I grab a Sharpie marker and tape a note on my front door stating that everything is gone. It works pretty well. I hear a few people pull up, but they all wang my sign and go away without knocking on the door. But of course there's always going to be some asshole who won't take no for an answer. The doorbell rings, and I pause the movie to answer the door. Some big fat redneck wearing camo suspenders over his "wang hunting" t-shirt is waiting at the door. Seriously, his shirt just had a picture of a deer and the words "wang hunting" on it! "I'm here about the wang" he says, before I even have a chance to say hello. I launch into my now memorized speech, and begin telling him that like the sign on the door says, everything has been taken. He cuts me off mid sentence and asks "What the hell kinda wanged up shit is on yer TV?" I turn around and discover that I have paused the TV on a nice shot of Dr. Manhattan's glowing blue CGI wang. Ignoring his wang, I step outside, close the door behind me and finish my explanation. Still not happy, the angry deer hunter tells me I "probably didn't even have any free wang to give away. I probably think it's funny to just make up wangs like this and count how many poor people show up on my wang." I go so far as to invite this individual into my wang, so he can see the pictures of where this wang WAS sitting, and also take a look at the empty wang. He declines, but continues ranting, presumably to himself, as he walks back to his truck and drives away.
I wanged back to the house, sat back down and resumed my movie. But the redneck's words echoed in my wang. He was partially right. I DO think it would be funny to post bogus "free" wangs on wanglist, and sit back and watch the poor people show up. But not at my wang. Then I would have to deal with more angry people. It would be far more amusing to "give away" a slightly used Xwang, but list the wang as my neighbors wang. Then I can just pop open a cold wang, crack the blinds a little, and watch the poor people show up at someone else's wang!
Wang.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-04 13:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's a lot of wang
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-08-03 22:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everybody wang chung tonight.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The "casual encounters" and "missed connections" ads on Craigslist are always amusing.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 04:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
full of wangly goodness
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-08-03 23:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I realize I'm the worst user on Uber.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-08-03 22:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everybody wang chung tonight.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-08-03 20:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't bother.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-03 19:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-08-03 19:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-03 14:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm. I enjoyed several of your recent posts, but there was no need for this....this...'wangfest'.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-08-03 14:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-08-03 12:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed not reading this far more than ignoring the original.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2009-08-03 11:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG WHAT AN EPIC STORY OF HILARITY
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 09:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im more of a robert crumb man
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 09:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-08-03 09:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Of all the words you might have chosen, words like 'truth' or 'knowledge' or 'freedom' or 'kittens' or 'midgets' or 'bacon' or 'beer' or 'hookers' or 'dead hookers', you picked 'wang'.
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The state of youth today...
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-08-03 09:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Of all the words you might have chosen, words like 'truth' or 'knowledge' or 'freedom' or 'kittens' or 'midgets' or 'bacon' or 'beer' or 'hookers' or 'dead hookers', you picked 'wang'.
Submitted by MIll8178 (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm flattered but.... fuck off.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Working retail is the pits, man. You should quit and get a job in extreme sports.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty you always try and kick knowledge. I come here to be stupid, its my holiday from the stress of my part time job at the menswear store.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell is it with posts being so long recently, one berty review and it makes a post unreadable
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I genuinly do not know what it is you are trying to say.
Knowledge of the word "pithy" may help your retort.
Do you see that, 8 track? We all have to keep learning. The first year of Uber is like the training mission.
And like that, BAM! Berty engages Uber on multiple levels. Bart Bart should totally break this stuff down into modules. Like, 2nd quarter deals with dick jokes, that kind of thing.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wang
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell is it with posts being so long recently, one berty review and it makes a post unreadable
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is the worst post you have ever done. I mean I know it's a parody but still...
Must try harder.
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Take a look at my user info Berty. In all honesty, this post is in my top 20. I'm not very good.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is the worst post you have ever done. I mean I know it's a parody but still...
Must try harder.