serious writers forum CRIME DOESN'T PAY (23402 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 126 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by locksly (View user info) at 2009-08-04 04:55:14 EDT
In the interest of attracting some more serious uber users, I spent the weekend writing a serious piece of fiction (my first in fact) Its very long so I hope you can be bothered to read the whole way through.
Please find below the first draft of CRIME DOESN'T PAY:
Jason drove fastly around the bends. The sportscar he was driving revved highly and he smiled as he changed gears.
"wow" Said Jason to himself "I am going so fast and revving so high I am having fun, and my fiancee is really hot"
Next to Jason sat Susan who was really hot. She was Jasons fiancee.
CUT TO THREE YEARS EALRIER
Jason is speeding down the Old Mountain road in a fast and furious turbo Supra. He has sunglasses on even though its night time. A sign reads up ahead 'No smoking drugs whilst driving' Jason laughs as he tokes on a joint and blows the smoke out "LOLZ I am crazy" Laughed Jason "I don't care about nothing and no one I am carzy"
Driving near the cross-roads near the Old Mountain road was surgeon Max Smith. He was taking his soon to be wife on a short vacation. The convertible he was in wizzed around the turns. He glanced at his woman and thought he was the luckiest man in the world. He was rich and well respected in the surgery field. He had a woman caled Rebecca that he would spend the rest of his life with and he had the new sportscar he was in that he bought as a gift to himself for being so good at everything.
Suddenly Jason used the NOS button in his Supra "Wow I'm going really fast now!" Jason yelled to the world.
But just around the bend near a stop sign was Max Smith smiling at his soon to be bride. "Max, you are so great and you have the best hands in the world for surgery" She said "We have our whole future ahead everything is perfect".
Jason glanced ahead at the stop sign, "Bzzt" said Jason "I will disregard that stupid Stop sign, I rebel against the rules" Besides, thought Jason, no one else would be out here on Old Mountain road in the dead of night in the Winter.
But Max was just there! on the Crossroads. In the corner of his eye Max spotted the Turbo Supras headlights. He turned and realised he would be T-bagged by the car. His whole life flashed before his eyes; graduating top of Harvard and turning down his football scholarship to work for free as a respected surgeon in a inner city clinic. Winning the nobel peace prize for surgery, and last week getting insurance for 10Million dollars for his hands, known as the best hands in surgery.
Jason saw the convertible just metres from his car "WWWOOOOWWWWWW" Though Jason, he went for the brakes but his reaction was slow because he was a stoner "DRUGS HAVE RUINED ME" Yelled Jason "WHY???? WHY LORD WHY AAHHH".
BANG!
The two cars crashed with Jason ramming straight into the passenger side of Max Smiths sports car, The Impact could be heard all throught the Old Mountain rd and it echoed into the dark forest and nearby ice skating rink and adjacent hotdog stand.
There was only silence as the sound stopped and the only thing that could be heard was the dripping of petrol. The two cars lay wrecked in a tangled heap. His woman Rebecca made gurgling sounds , Max was semi awake and realised it was a classic case of punctured lung filling with blood, if he could just poke a hole in Rebeccas throat he could let air in - just like he had seen countless times in ER and House but rarely in real life. He reached for his medical kit but something was wrong! His hands had been torn off.
"OH NO Please anything but this I AM A MONSTER" Screamed Max, "I cannot save my wife without my hands!"
"AVENGE ME AVENGE ME" wailed Rebecca as she gurgled her last gurgle and just died right in front him "bluur" she made a final funny sound and died.
Max passed out with one though in his mind..... REVENGANCE IS MINE.
BANG. The judge banged his hammer. "You are to be let off on a good behaviour bond Jason, but let this be a lesson to you."
Phew, Jason wiped his brow. It had been 3 months since the accident and he was trying to be good, He had not smoked or drank since and was now clean cut and polite. He owed all of his new direction in life to a nurse he had met on the night of the crash, she had been at his side when he got to hospital and they had spent a lot of time together. She didn't make him feel bad about killing an innocent woman and injuring some random man like his friends did. When he got beaten at Halo 3 they would say "oh no you're not going to hit NOS and run me over now are you?" Jason hated that.
CUT TO MAX SMITH IN REHAB
"I hate that Jason look at him" He said as he read the daily paper "I am stuck in here trying to learn to use these hook hands and he gets off scot-free?" Well my plan is in action he'll be revenged hard"
Max's life was going bad, he lost his endoresement and sponsorship deals with hand gloves and surgery equipment companies. He got laid off from work and kicked out of his multi million dollar apartment. His 10 Million dollar life insurance policy cheque was used towards a fortress in a remote area where Max now moved and turned into a Hermit Crab. Spending his days on a plan.
BACK TO THE PRESENT
As Jason drove along in the sun he looked back on his life, it had been three years since the accident but it seemd a lifetime away. HE was in love with Susan. Ah Susan he thought "Great ass and her family loves me" Her mother was kind and elderley, the father staunch and stern, she had a weird brother that didn't visit too often. He was a weirdo anyway, not very social and he never shook Jasons hand. He was shy and looked like he didn't go out in the sun much. But all in all everything about her was good.
He had trouble remembering why she liked him so much at the beginning. after all he had half of his face in a bandage and his testicles were torn open in the crash. Why would a hot nurse like him so much? and why did her brother have such an attitude. Jason shook of his suspicions as he focused on the roadsign ahead. 1 Mile to Old Mountain Rd.
WHAT? Old Mountain rd - I don't drive this road anymore. "Susan you know I don't like driving here why didn't you tell me" he snapped "Shut up its a shortcut keep driving" She said back.
hmmm thought Jason, something wasn't right.
Max powered up his speacial tractor , his plan was finally bearing fruit to be picked, he drove out of his mountain fortress' secret garage and looked at his calendar. "3 years to the day and it feels a lifetime ago when I had the perfect life" Today he would get his revenge...
Jason was nervous as he turned onto Old Mountain rd. When he bought his new car Susan had insisted he didn't have NOS or a turbo, he agreed but had secretly installed a NOS powered braking system, in case he ever had to use the brakes hard he had a special button in the steering wheel that pumped NOS into the brake lines and stopped the car on a dime. "I might need this today" Said Jason. "Need What? What are you talking of" Said Susan
"Nothing why are we driving here anyway?" Susan said nothing as she glanced down at her watch, "Just keep driving, go faster too that would be good" Susan fastened her seatbelt.
Max revved his special tractor, he had spent 3 years working on a plan to weld a spear on the front of hit at the right height to go through the window of Jasons car. His sister Susan had been a Nurse at County Hospital on that very night fatefully 3 years ago. When she saw Max's hands lying dead on the floor of the car she had swore she would help her brother on his quest of avenging Rebeccas death. "Make that fast and furious speedster fall in love with you and we will kill him in a similar car accident in the same place in 3 years" he whispered in the ambulance. "Can't I just turn of his life support or smother him?" Asked Susan. "No, thats not ironic enough, do this for me, make him love you enough to go on a drive to the Old Montain rd. in 3 years"
So Susan had set about doing that from that night. She had just 60 seconds left to go in the plan and she braced herself for impact, at the next bend Max would drive the tractor into the road and ram the car , the spear had been measured to go into Jasons head but not penetrate into her side of the car. She thought the impact would stop the car and she could jump out once it stopped.
Max drove down his driveway and was now metres from the road, his driveway had been built right up to the road and it was a blind spot. He was ready to ram the car and ruin Jasons life just like Jason had ruined his on this very day 3 years ago.
Jason senses twitched. Since he had sworn of drugs and alcohol he had become more alert, he noticed a puff of exhaust smoke up ahead but he could not see a car or vehicle. I am alarmed, he thought "I have a feeling somethings up ahead" he thought , and his finger brushed near the NOS button. Might need this a minute he thought, that looks like tractor smoke and its awful close to the road, plus Susan is acting weird.
He thought back to the last time he talked about tractors, it was with Susans weird brother, he was reading a copy of a Tractor magazine and Jason had noticed his weird hand when he flicked through the pages. In fact when Jason laughed at him for it her brother ran out of the room embarrased.
When he asked Susan about it she went funny and had said her brother had prosthetic hands because of an 'accident' 2 years ago, and that was one year ago and Jason remembered because he thought it was funny that it was the same day as his anniversary of his car crash where he killed that poor lady and injured her husband. Hhhmm what injuries did he get again? Jason rarely thought about it, all he remembered was the headline "Jason does some handy work on Old Mountain rd" Handy Work? Thought Jason as his mind quickly thought about the coincedence, Handy Work? I must have... cut off his hands, what are the chances of Susans brother losing his hands on the same night?
Max drove inches from the road, he was just seconds away from the plan working - the tractor made its way onto the road. 1 second to go now though MAx as he grinned from ear to ear.
Jason saw the tip of the spear and within half a second hit the NOS button. The car flew to a halt and the tractor drove acorss the road within 1 inch of Jasons bumper bar, he saw Max waving his wierd hands and screaming as the tractor tore past him and over the side of a cliff which the Old Moutain rd is so famous for. Jason couldn't beleive his eyes, he had been set up, the whole 3 years were a fake and he started to think maybe Susan didn't like him that much at all.
HE looked at Susan
"You killed my brother" "IT was meant to be you , it was meant to beYOU" she punched and kicked the air as they heard an explosion which was the tractor blowing up in the valley below.
"Does this mean we are over?" Jason was disappointed as Susan was way out of his league, thats why he had asked her to marry him so quickly to pin her down.
"I will kill you with this back up gun now" said Susan pointing the gun. Jason quickly grabbed the gun and shot Susan several times, he dumped her body over the cliff and watched it burn.
I guess crime doesn't pay, thought Jason as drove along Old Mountain rd. "I guess crime doesn't pay".
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-04 04:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey locksly, please can we have some more of your AMAZING stories
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-11-04 00:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I audibly snickered at least 6 times.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-10-21 17:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BACK TO THE PRESENT
Submitted by Scott4uf21 (user info) at 2009-09-18 10:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
seriously, what mideless rambling. OH, you might get T-bagged a lot, but cars get T-Boned u moron.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-05 12:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was sure carzy.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-09-05 09:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOS powered braking system made me spew Irn Bru all over my screen.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-03 15:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just about does it for me
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-03 15:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we should probably comission a film where an uber users get killed, one by one by some strange estranged user. trekking across the world to slay the superfriends uber domination. there should be blood, gore, Bob Dole, a vanilla ice cream tub and 7 super monkeys.
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No sex though.
______
That's me out.
This was fucking all shades of awesome. Every reason why I love you locksly!
Submitted by Maximus_Satisfaction (user info) at 2009-09-02 17:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Epic!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-01 06:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1) This and Method's "Redneck" post are the two best posts on Ubersite this year.
2) This story is a perfect recreation of Michael Bay's internal monologue.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-01 06:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pero quien le mato? Y POR QUE?
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-09-01 04:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-30 06:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA!!!
Congrats on snaggin' B@W, man...
_______-------
Thanks Kaos, it only took ten fucking alters and 5 years, if only I put that much effort into my job at burger king I could be shift manager by now
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2009-08-30 19:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-30 06:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA!!!
Congrats on snaggin' B@W, man...
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2009-08-28 20:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by svgwrestler (user info) at 2009-08-28 19:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being on BaW I hope/believe this was sarcastically bad writing. This was awesome and hilarious.
Submitted by Liquidice281 (user info) at 2009-08-28 15:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
NOS brakes? Seriously :-/
Decent.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2009-08-25 15:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-08-07 20:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious. The fucked-up punctuation and grammar actually seem to complement the "B-movie" plotline.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-07 08:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/122987 Serious writings HIGH SCHOOL REVENGE
http://www.ubersite.com/m/123001 serial writings BIG WAVE KALAKAUA
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-05 07:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me this is fucking awesome. If you don't like this you are a homo.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-05 06:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice work on getting in on the 101 berg
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-08-04 21:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-04 17:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your mom is a review. HOT!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 17:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
102nd review
we all know thats the best
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-08-04 17:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
101th review.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-08-04 17:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
100th review
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 16:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i rocked for a day. woo yay
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 15:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was Sunday, July 27th, 2008. James Dupont was found dead at the Riverside Docks. It appears he had his feet cemented then he was dumped into the water to die a watery death. But whom killed him and why?
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Yeah, when I read this I kept thinking of "Paid in Full."
It's Electroesque.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 15:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, looks like some folks shit on this while I was gone. Reprobates.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-04 15:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-04 15:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh NO!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-04 15:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Muffins:)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-04 15:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment needed.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-04 14:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many great lines that I want to copy here...
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-08-04 13:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this is actually pretty decent 'bad writing' - where that other one that was done recently with the dude with the kilts was too over the top to be any good, this was funny.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-08-04 13:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think ""IT was meant to be you , it was meant to beYOU" she punched and kicked the air as they heard an explosion which was the tractor blowing up in the valley below." might be the most amazing sentence ever.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-04 13:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my money was on sico or shlongy one breaking that streak. not that i gave a shit, just idle speculation on who'd play the 'bad boy' really.
funny stuff, locksly.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The typos are what make this post great.
That said, stop crying about a +1 rating you whiny pansies.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
locksly is so carzy, he has the best hands for submitting posts on ubersite and doesn't afraid of anything
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was Sunday, July 27th, 2008. James Dupont was found dead at the Riverside Docks. It appears he had his feet cemented then he was dumped into the water to die a watery death. But whom killed him and why?
________________________________________________
James Dupont, 34, has lived a life of crime and drug dealing, as well as being worked by the local mafia. Even though he was great at doing his job, he was failing to pay all money he made to the mafia, and he has been warned and almost caught many a times that if he was caught stealing from them, he would be sleeping with the fishies.
Today would be his last day being alive. As James worked a corner selling people the drugs they want, one of the people from the mafia spyed upon him and noticed that bits of money was being pocketed and the rest placed into an envelope. He was busted on the spot. The spy left to tell the boss what he seen and the boss didn't liked what he heard. He didn't like that he wasn't being paid in full. He didn't like people whom backstabbed him. After James worked the corner, he headed to the Riverside Warehouses to deliever the money he made, unknowning that the boss and few of is helpers awaited him.
As James approached the boss to deliver the cash, his helpers grab him by the arms. "Tsk tsk tsk" said the boss, "I have warned you plenty of times James, that if I catch you stealing from me, that you would pay the price."
"I don't know what you are talking about. The money is all there." said James.
"Oh really?...Then explain why one of my people watched you for over an hour, stealing money from me." said the boss. "James, I have caught you, and now you must sleep with the fishies. Get him out of my sight."
"Nooooooo!!! Please! Give me another chance!" screamed James as he was dragged out of the warehouse and off to the docks... James was warned that he should have paid in full, but now he has been delivered to his grave, he paid in full, with his life.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-08-04 10:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why everyone hates you two below.
======
Coming from you I guess I should consider suicide? I can't tell you how heart broken I am.
Anyone want to bash Shlongy or would that be too taboo?
You're a fucking sheep too, tomato head.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-04 12:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Seriously sico? What a bunch of a fucking crybabies! I give it an honest rating and everyone cries?
I didn't laugh out loud once. I thought it was good concept with shit delivery.
So yes, SERIOUSLY!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry...didn't read it.
Commence with your usual insults.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
d_r dont try and pretend you didn't bring me here, it was right after i visited Australia and you found me hitchhiking, locked me in your cellar for 4 months, feeding me pistachio nut shells, forcing my eyelids open with matchsticks and reciting 'Thorpe' posts at me verbatim.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy that writes like English is his third language is complaining about typos? Now THAT is fucking funny.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now now people it's just a rating on a stupid website. Then again I suppose simon did bring sage here, so he probably is a bit of a dickhead.
Now, who brought ei?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I came no less than three times whilst reading this
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seriously Sico?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chock full of giggle Easter eggs!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-08-04 11:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
even i have trouble with that sico
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 10:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sicos a fucking knob
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-08-04 10:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why everyone hates you two below.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-08-04 10:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOS powered braking system made me lol hard.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-04 10:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 too many typos for me, otherwise, this was fantastic. Two questions: Why is Hermit Crab capitalized and what kind of tractor was it? John Deere or a Kubota? I could only imagine it being one of the two.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have my children Locksly.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
locksly...are you a genius? or just regular smart?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jason saw the tip of the spear and within half a second hit the NOS button. The car flew to a halt and the tractor drove acorss the road within 1 inch of Jasons bumper bar, he saw Max waving his wierd hands and screaming as the tractor tore past him and over the side of a cliff which the Old Moutain rd is so famous for."
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Oh, lord. Laughed like a maniac at this.
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Probably the most amazing paragraph in the history of literature.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find your writing style infantile, and you REALLY need to work on your dialogue. Plus I saw the whole 'brothers/revenge' thing a mile away. However: THIS WAS FUCKING GREAT!! idk, why, but I loved this shit.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-08-04 09:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite possibly the best post ever.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-04 08:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the greatest story ever.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 07:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-04 07:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who am I to break a streak? You really do have to read it all the way through though.
______________________________
I think its more suited to a screenplay format, I tried to tie in all the awesomeness of fast n furious with the mystery and intrigue of the da vinci code but also an awesome ending to tie it all together sixth sense style
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-04 07:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who am I to break a streak? You really do have to read it all the way through though.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-08-04 07:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"AVENGE ME AVENGE ME" wailed Rebecca as she gurgled her last gurgle and just died right in front him "bluur" she made a final funny sound and died.
Max passed out with one though in his mind..... REVENGANCE IS MINE.
==========================
holy shit I spit out my iced tea when I read this.
This fucking post is gold.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto "T-bagging vehicles" and "NOS-powered brakes" +2.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pfft, that hack. I'm Bruce Leroy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFzuxgivmQ8
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gregory Hines.
___________
So that must mean... YOU'RE SIDNEY POITER!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gregory Hines.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another example of Denzel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFMY4jJ6SVE#t=1m10s
___________
Thx.
but which one was in roots?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i watched any given sunday on the weekend :(
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another example of Denzel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFMY4jJ6SVE#t=1m10s
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the one. I think it was one of his better roles. It showed his dynamic range.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
neither. He was in Any Given Sunday. He played the quarterback.
_____________
Oh you mean:
I'm Willy Beamin, keeping the ladies cold creamin?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok lets just have berty killed first, scene one, cut to berty strung up in wheelchair by his wrists, limp legs flailing uncontollably in the light breeze and wheelchair stuck to his boney ass. Jo Pesci playing Thorpe lunges furiously at Berty, slitting his throat and ripping his legs off, placing one between his teeth, falling to all fours and running into the forest.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
neither. He was in Any Given Sunday. He played the quarterback.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
is denzel the one in those blade movies , or the one in the shawshank redemption?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we could just make a plastic mould of berty, fill it with hot air and put it in a wheelchair
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nope - too animated. unless we could restrain it somehow.
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I can be plenty animated when I want to be. There's a button on the back of my chair that allows me to do a realistic karate chop.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, if you want a black guy, you could be played by denzel. he was great in The Bone Collector
-----------------
Joking aside, Denzel Washington is the worst actor I have ever seen on film. He is so bad that it is almost spiritual.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we could just make a plastic mould of berty, fill it with hot air and put it in a wheelchair
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nope - too animated. unless we could restrain it somehow.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only if he appears in black face. I will not have my people disrespected.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, ive met blacker jews than you. Perry Mason will play you and thats the end of it.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, if you want a black guy, you could be played by denzel. he was great in The Bone Collector
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last time I checked, Christopher Reeve is not black.
I demand to be played by Morgan Freeman.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we could just make a plastic mould of berty, fill it with hot air and put it in a wheelchair
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perfect
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reeve is dead.
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can't we clone him?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reeve is dead.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Harrison Ford can play d_r, Tom Cruise can be Locksly, Christopher Reeve can be Berty , the list goes on
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
frankthebear has been insisting he's not a virgin anymore, so there might be one sex. and heaps of gay sex.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we should probably comission a film where an uber users get killed, one by one by some strange estranged user. trekking across the world to slay the superfriends uber domination. there should be blood, gore, Bob Dole, a vanilla ice cream tub and 7 super monkeys.
_____________
Fuck thats good, Jaypig runs around eating them and Bret is a secret agent trying to save us but no one beleives he is there to help. doodles is expendable. rob berg should live. call judd apatow.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we should probably comission a film where an uber users get killed, one by one by some strange estranged user. trekking across the world to slay the superfriends uber domination. there should be blood, gore, Bob Dole, a vanilla ice cream tub and 7 super monkeys.
--------------
No sex though.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 10:55:00 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was just a bunch of tards, mostly locksly and thorpe and 8track trying to nail each other without it appearing to be gay ('hosting' superfriends 'meetings' lol), but inadvertently and ultimately just ended up making it look even gayer than plain vanilla, just normal gay.
______________
Plus you forgot georgemichael, paint_it_black and shineboxxxxxxxxxxx
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shiiine fuckin boxxxxxxxxxx
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we should probably comission a film where an uber users get killed, one by one by some strange estranged user. trekking across the world to slay the superfriends uber domination. there should be blood, gore, Bob Dole, a vanilla ice cream tub and 7 super monkeys.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When Thorpes parents go away:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95533
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was just a bunch of tards, mostly locksly and thorpe and 8track trying to nail each other without it appearing to be gay ('hosting' superfriends 'meetings' lol), but inadvertently and ultimately just ended up making it look even gayer than plain vanilla, just normal gay.
__________________
IF gay means awesome then yes it was gay alright.
------------
it certainly was gay. I think thorpe's williamson tribute fit into the chutney shoot on the timeline.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was just a bunch of tards, mostly locksly and thorpe and 8track trying to nail each other without it appearing to be gay ('hosting' superfriends 'meetings' lol), but inadvertently and ultimately just ended up making it look even gayer than plain vanilla, just normal gay.
______________
Plus you forgot georgemichael, paint_it_black and shineboxxxxxxxxxxx
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74072
fuck that was great
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was just a bunch of tards, mostly locksly and thorpe and 8track trying to nail each other without it appearing to be gay ('hosting' superfriends 'meetings' lol), but inadvertently and ultimately just ended up making it look even gayer than plain vanilla, just normal gay.
__________________
IF gay means awesome then yes it was gay alright.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did thorpe's williamson tribute post fit in that timeline?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wouldnt it be great if bart bart was mobbed up, maybe thats what happened to oathmeal, bart whacked him.......jgreening too, he was killed with a poisioned pretzel.
hopefully sage is next
_________________________
Nah, Jaypig turned on Bart and went into witness protection, I think they moved him way way out between saturn and jupiter, thats the only place they could hide a planet
--------------------------
Great. Now I can't stop thinking about wiseguys flying about the solar system in spaceships saying "thats-a no moon..."
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was just a bunch of tards, mostly locksly and thorpe and 8track trying to nail each other without it appearing to be gay ('hosting' superfriends 'meetings' lol), but inadvertently and ultimately just ended up making it look even gayer than plain vanilla, just normal gay.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that was what everyone meant when they were banging on about the superfriends a couple of years ago.
___________
Those were the days
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wouldnt it be great if bart bart was mobbed up, maybe thats what happened to oathmeal, bart whacked him.......jgreening too, he was killed with a poisioned pretzel.
hopefully sage is next
_________________________
Nah, Jaypig turned on Bart and went into witness protection, I think they moved him way way out between saturn and jupiter, thats the only place they could hide a planet
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was a third generation circle jerk. It's tough to tell, because they form and dissolve so quickly.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you write stuff out on napkins so the waitress knows what the fuck it is you want for breakfast with a mouth operated pen as your wheelchair does little back and forth left to right rear wheel 20 degree turns making your hands look whacky as you dribble out the frozen side of your mouth bertram because that's what people who actually believe in the superfriends are like
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hott
So what was the superfriends all about, oh keeper of forgotton lore?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fiction? I swear I read about this in one of those moving newspapers on the glass where people talk
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It's reminiscent of an episode of Knight Rider when Michael faces off against the original villians who fucked him up in the pilot. It was a rip off of The Italian Job, but it featured a lot of features of the story.
9 out of 10 critics* agree that episode is of richer merit than all the works of Shakespear combined.
(*-American critics*)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wouldnt it be great if bart bart was mobbed up, maybe thats what happened to oathmeal, bart whacked him.......jgreening too, he was killed with a poisioned pretzel.
hopefully sage is next
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you write stuff out on napkins so the waitress knows what the fuck it is you want for breakfast with a mouth operated pen as your wheelchair does little back and forth left to right rear wheel 20 degree turns making your hands look whacky as you dribble out the frozen side of your mouth bertram because that's what people who actually believe in the superfriends are like
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fiction? I swear I read about this in one of those moving newspapers on the glass where people talk
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was under the impression that Bart Bart utilised a network of informants that live (in secret) on the east coast of America.
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You're thinking about the Gambino family running out of Newark.
As far as I know, Bart isn't mobbed up
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe its an English thing Berty, we arent convinced by the advancement technology wise on teh other side of the pond.
I too though it was merely a case of writing B@W
foolishly I had never thought about the dynamics of how it worked
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man... My illusions have been shattered.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that was what everyone meant when they were banging on about the superfriends a couple of years ago.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was under the impression that Bart Bart utilised a network of informants that live (in secret) on the east coast of America.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not only is he retarded and crippled, he also speaks to me
and enjoys it
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were crippled berty not retarded and crippled
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're assuming Bart reads every post. He has a very complicated life as a fish monger and level 57 dungeon master.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait you have to submit it to Bored at Work?
I thought you just typed B@W in the comments and Bart Bart would notice, go "hmmm" and put it on.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted.
Everything I've ever submitted to B@W has made it. Light your victory cigar.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jason saw the tip of the spear and within half a second hit the NOS button. The car flew to a halt and the tractor drove acorss the road within 1 inch of Jasons bumper bar, he saw Max waving his wierd hands and screaming as the tractor tore past him and over the side of a cliff which the Old Moutain rd is so famous for."
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Oh, lord. Laughed like a maniac at this.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-04 05:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant, simply amazing, anyone who doesnt plus 2 this is a retarded virgin.