I am a young, single, horny woman... (1889 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.94 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dirk Diggler (View user info) at 2009-08-17 06:20:39 EDT
At some point during the earlier part of 2009 and for reasons which I've since forgotten I had this (brilliant) idea to pose as a woman on a singles dating site. Maybe it was some sort of social experiment or maybe I just felt like trolling a bunch of desperate, lonely assholes. Shortly after the account was created and the trap set, I forgot about it and resumed my usual schedule. Until last week that is...
So the story goes as thus: I call myself Syd_Bambi86. I am a 21 year old girl, a Libra, non-smoker and a light drinker who has just finished University. I spent all of the past 3 years studying or working, therefore I was unable to find a boyfriend (yeah, right). Now I'm out of Uni, sick of one night stands and hoping the site will help me to locate a suitable suitor. One who understands me and will treat me right, bla bla and all of that shit. To make the deal seem sweeter I also add that I'm into video games and love smoking weed. Too obvious? I think not.
The first few emails were pretty standard:
"hey cutie, would love to hang out with you and show you a good time, hit me back babe"
"hey darl..would like 2 chat if ur interested..waitn 4 ya..lol"
"hey how are you??" (This guy obviously tried REALLY hard coming up with this one)
"would love to see a pic and would love to hear more abut what you like dont like get in touch if your interested, i can tell you more..."
Then once my picture got approved, they started getting much more elaborate. First there was Phillip:
"Hi,
How are you doing?
I like your profile you sound like a great girl, I would love to give you a cuddle and have a chat but tell me if you could have anyone wish what would it be (Other then world peace).
Message me and i can tell you anything you would like to know about me. 0416459937.
Chat soon
Phillip"
Followed by the charming Michael:
"Hi there.
I have just been perusing this website, since I am a new member this week, and I saw your profile. I just wanted to say that I think you are stunning. I hope that this message doesn't offend you. It'd be nice to chat with you sometime.
I am glad you are one of those are real women out there that actually know exactly what they want. Your message here has interested me greatly.
About me: I'm 35 (hope age isn't a barrier for you), work professionally, single with no attachments at all, I know what I want, but just can't seem to find it. Hopefully you'd like to develop some friendship, have fun and be silly at times.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Michael"
Then there was the lovely AJH (An acronym for something witty I presume?):
"Loved your profile,
Refreshingly honest for around here.
Would love to chat some time, I can send more pics if you wish.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Cheers,
AJH"
Now they start to get a bit more desperate:
"You are gorgeous, please feel free to give me a try anytime. I am 172cm tall (shorter than average I know!). Have worked in the same company for almost 17yrs. In IT of sorts at the moment...more on that later maybe. I spend heaps of time away and have very little time to devote to a girlfriend. My previous attempts got upset playing second fiddle to my career so am trying something new. When I head home I really look forward to the day when I can call up a nice, intelligent girl who can pop around and keep me company, drink my wine, talk about whatever, and cuddle up on the couch watching a movie or some telly. I don't do too much physical training in my down time as I get heaps of that at work, I also don't do parties and raging as I get that at work sometimes as well!! More on that later too!! I own five tropical fish who keep me company and keep guard on my apartment during my lengthy absences (yes they get fed when I am away so pls don't call RSPCA). I have attached a face pic for your consideration. Would love another pic in return. Cheers, Matt (yes...real name!)"
Yeah, Matt, there's nothing more attractive than a man who works in IT and admits he has no time to devote to a girlfriend and hates partying and exercising. The guy's a real lady killer. But I think Tony beats him by a whisker:
"Hi Syd,
You sound like a girl who is attractive, intelligent and knows what she wants so I'm not going to waste your time.
Soooooo PICKME, PICKME, PICKME, PICKME, PICKME, PLEEZ, PLEEZ, PLEEZ, PLEEZ,
Seriously, I'd love to find out more about your interests. I am successful in my profession and looking to have a bit more fun than work. Maybe discover some new FUN interests. I think you sound hot but if you're up yourself I'm not interested. I don't think you are so prove that I'm right.. You can see my face pic in my private gallery. I am also on emesen if you want to have a chat.
Talk soon
Tony"
So they were all pretty standard and all things considered, I didn't really find it too interesting. I had upwards of 100 emails in my inbox (which by my calculations would equal at least 100 erect penises) and I was considering just deleting them all and closing down the account. But then I thought I'd check just one more email. And that's when I found this guy:
"Well, here i am... I sit here in the darkness that is right in front of me, but I can still make out a dim light thru the blindfold. My skin is cold and goosebumped as i sit their in the chair naked and tied up. My ears are sensitive. I hear all the sounds of the hotel room. The buzzing of the minibar fridge. The ticking of the clock on the wall. the buzz of the street below. The rustle of the blindfold around my ears. My feet rake on the carpet. It is soft and plush. I gather from the carpet that the hotel is ok.
Before I can do anything I hear keys clink in the hall. A key penetrates the lock and I hear the barrels fall in sync with the cut of the key. I feel the air move against my skin as the door opens to the whine of the hinges. The hair on the back of my neck stands on edge. Dulled footsteps make their way past the door not stopping as the hinges whine shut with a thud. My hands brace against the ropes that bind me to the chair. My cock tingles in nervous blatant display.
For a while i hear nothing... then i make out the breath. It's slightly heavy with anticipation. Suddenly thru the blindfold i make out a silhouette pass in front of me. I jump in shock. My groin tingles and my spine sparks with electricity. My ears hum in hyper excitement.
The silhouette pulls close to me. Suddenly i feel their warm wet breath on my face. They are mere millimetres away from mine. A warm soft wet tongue licks my my lips. I stay frozen in excitement. I feel my heart pound and pulse. Molten lava blazes thru my veins. My cock starts to fill with blood as my groin clenches in eagerness.
I hear rivet buttons unpop. A dull thud like clothing hitting the floor it think.
Fingernails bite at the flesh of my shoulder and i moan in painful excitement. They rake down my back and squeeze my butt cheek. SLAP on my arse. The same fingernails dig into my lower back. They lighten up and slowly tease my back with the softest trails. They slowly make their way around my side which drives my loins crazy and my cock stands hard on end like a soldier on guard. I feel the sweat and moisture build up around my crotch. My breath is heavy now. My lungs surge to fill with the oxygen that is pouring throughout my body, putting everything on end.
I feel something clench on my tied hand. I can't make out the fleshy part and then i feel it. The warm soft silky smooth wet moist juices flow down between the lips of your pussy. You sit and grind your pussy on my hand. I fight against the ropes and try and rub against you. You get off.
All of a sudden a hand flicks the tip of my cock! I jerk as i flinch.
Your lips touch mine and we softly and tenderly pause while we inhale each others breath and warmth and soul. Then you devour me. Kissing me with energy and fire. Your tongue massages and slides around mine. Your hand grabs my cock and squeezes it. I whince and moan thru your mouth. You yank the skin of my cock up and down as you rub me around. You don't break the lusty kiss. Your other hand reaches under my cock and cups my balls, tenderly massaging and teasing them. I am fighting against the chair and the ropes as I want to feel your body. It kills me to not be able to feel and touch every inch of you, I'm going crazy inside. You break away from me and step back.
At first all i can hear is my own heavy breathing over the top of my beating heart. Then i hear a wet slushy sound and some quiet whines and moans. I realize you are standing in front of me rubbing yourself intensely. I can smell your pussy inches away from my face and my cock reaches up and out in an attempt to plunge into you..
You climb up onto the chair and press your pelvis into my face and I lash your pussy. My tongue laps licks like a kitten drinking milk. I can feel your clit on the end on my tongue and your hand on my head pulling me in deeper. I can feel you trembling as you moan and huff to my tongue.
You step off when you get jittery and shudder. I know you are close now. My cock is about to explode as the air surges around it. It is so sensitive it can feel the individual particles course past.
And then it happens. My cock is suddenly engulfed in the most wonderful warm and silky smooth slickness as you lower yourself onto the tip of my cock. You pause there momentarily as i gasp out in sheer pleasure and you whine in brief ecstasy. Then you slowly lower yourself onto me. I slide and smear into you. All of me on fire and charging towards the inside of your pussy. I feel your hands clasp onto mine and your buttocks touch my pelvis as you plunge the depths of your pussy. I could cum right now as you sit there still on top of me. I feel your back lean against my chest and stomach. Your hand touches my face and you kiss me tenderly on the lips. Then you stick your tongue in my ear and it lights an explosion within me and I push upwards with all i have, raising you up with me and pushing my cock deep with in you.
You start to pump up and down on top of me. Your smooth soft cheeks bouncing on my pelvis. My balls squeeze between my clenched legs each time. You bounce away frantically now as you moan and wail. I sit there helpless receiving this pure joy and sensational ecstasy. You fuck me and i fuck you. fuck fuck fuck. You are on fire and hammer away at me. I am getting close and can tell you are as you start to twitch and quiver. I try to ram you back and I feel my balls squeeze and condense as they prepare to blow. You moan really loudly and dig your nails into my legs as you pump furiously at me. I feel you drop and clench your pussy lips around my hot horny meat and I clench and squeeze as I pour forth into you. orgasmic and climaxing in unison. Our bodies rise and tense together. I cum in you and you moan and i moan and its so fucking hot. I want to explode.
I want to do that with you! ASAP.
sweet dreams gorgeous"
I was speechless. It's kind of like the sort of thing I'd expect to see on 4chan. This guy takes the whole erotic email thing and then he twists it up his ass, pisses onto it, smears shit on it before snow-balling it into his sisters mouth. He wants you to think that he's intelligent and well-read but he kind of fucked that up when his dick was described in such detail. The most disturbing part is that I imagined he was sitting at the computer masturbating furiously as he typed it. Also possibly whilst drinking whiskey from a cowboy boot as a mountain bear shat onto his stomach. There's desperate and lonely and then there's this guy, who simply called himself "A", which I assumed was short for ANAL RAPIST, or maybe ASS BANDIT. Or perhaps it's just the cell block that he's being kept in.
Being a chick was fun until I met this guy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-08-20 21:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: I recall the b movie from which you took this name---that was funny too.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-08-20 21:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-08-20 20:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read some of this.
I feel dirty and ashamed.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2009-08-19 21:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck fuck fuck
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-08-18 19:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-08-17 04:44:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you posed as someone else on a website?
who do you think you are? Skrapmetal?
-----
Hey! I'm much hotter than Skrappy, and have the pics to prove it!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-08-18 08:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
highly original idea, i must say
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-08-17 17:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Dirk Diggler (View user info) at 2009-08-17 06:20:39 EDT
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I was speechless. It's kind of like the sort of thing I'd expect to see on 4chan.
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No, if you were on 4chan, the girl would've been a 7 year-old anime character and she would've been decapitated with a katana at the moment of orgasm.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-17 15:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-08-17 15:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS IDEA???
NO ONE HAS EVER THOUGHT OF DOING THIS.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-08-17 15:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-17 14:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-08-17 14:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking hilarious!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-08-17 13:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please remove my picture from this post.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-17 13:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-17 11:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Maybe it was some sort of social experiment or maybe I just felt like trolling a bunch of desperate, lonely assholes
===
Or perhaps you are a repressed homosexual being creepy on the internet. Yeah, that sounds right.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-08-17 12:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you are the ghey
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-17 11:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, I laughed.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-17 11:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Maybe it was some sort of social experiment or maybe I just felt like trolling a bunch of desperate, lonely assholes
===
Or perhaps you are a repressed homosexual being creepy on the internet. Yeah, that sounds right.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-08-17 10:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-17 09:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-08-17 08:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2009-08-17 07:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha sgtpillowbiter.
good un
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-08-17 07:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you posed as someone else on a website?
who do you think you are? Skrapmetal?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-17 07:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, so the guy with the tropical fish who keep him company made me chuckle a little, but seriously guys...QUIT DOING SHIT LIKE THIS!
We all know there is an assload of desperate and disturbed humanity out there. DON'T GO POKING THEM WITH A STICK!
Remember that guy who walked into a gym and opened fire then shot himself? He was in his 40's and bitter that he couldn't seem to get a girlfriend. In his journal he stated that he was in shape and had a job but couldn't figure out why he couldn't find a lovely young thing to call his own.
After his death, his neighbors were like "yeah, he was a creepy motherfucker."
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-17 06:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
probably very entertaining
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-08-17 06:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-08-17 06:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was going to be a +2 but then i saw your Name, Dirk Diggler? Oooooooh, so you've seen Boogie Nights and wish you had a giant cock, you fucking creative bastard you!
But yeah, I sure hope you gave that "A" geezer a link to ubersite, we could do with some more rapists here.
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2009-08-17 06:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Make the experiment scientific: put up the exact same profile on another dating site but instead of the chick pics you used, use ones of a homely chick. I'm willing to bet that you not only get more responses to the homely chick, but more of them will be in the form of perv-mail.