Unconsummated, one-sided sexual tension with an unavailable doctor (1438 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by netimportant (View user info) at 2009-09-03 23:22:22 EDT
Three weeks ago, my brakes locked up on the highway and I swerved across three lanes of traffic and drove into a concrete median at 70 miles an hour, miraculously escaping with just a bump on my elbow and some back pain. I resisted seeing a doctor till I noticed weird looks from coworkers when I contorted my body into a pretzel-like shape in an attempt to crack my back.
The good thing about doctors is that they follow the same rule as cops and firemen: 35% of them are old, fat, or have outdated facial hair, and the other 65% are dead sexy. I was delighted to learn that mine fell into the latter category.
Doc and I went over my medical history for twenty minutes while I wondered when it would be time to take off my clothes. Unfortunately it wasn't necessary, I only had to take off my shoes.
"I feel bad for you," I said. "I've been in my work shoes all day and my feet are nasty."
"I hear that three times a day, it's really no big deal. Can I have you lay on your back and lift your leg into the air as high as it can go?"
You sure can.
"Any pain?"
"Nope."
"You're...extremely flexible."
If you like that, I can show you a few more things.
"Flip over on your stomach, I'm just going to massage your back a little. How's that feel?"
"Nice."
"It doesn't hurt? You're so tight."
"Nope."
"Down here?"
"Nope."
"And your buttocks?"
"Not at all."
"Can I have you bend over and touch your toes?"
You can have me in the Side Saddle Cowgirl, the Deep Dish Doggie Waterfall, I will memorize Kama Sutra for you.
"Were, uh, were you a cheerleader or a gymnast back in school? You have excellent range of motion."
"I do Pilates, and I was a cheerleader."
"I see. I notice here on your chart that you're from Ohio? Me too. I went to Kent State."
"I went there for a semester in 2002. Big party school, eh?"
"Yeah. Yeah..." Doc lingered in a college memory, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, before he turned to take me to the X-ray room.
"I have to get an X-ray?"
"Not if you don't want to, but I think it's a good idea. You know, it's no more radiation than you'd get from flying or...from sleeping next to someone."
"Sleeping next to someone?"
"Yeah, interesting little fact. People give off radiation."
My nipples are tingly. Does that count?
"You can take your necklace off, and your earrings. Are you wearing any other metal? Any metal at all?"
There's an underwire in my bra, should I take that off too?
"Stand up against the wall, I'm just gonna hang this thing around your waist."
"You bet."
"So you started college in 2002? You must be my wife's age."
Fuck. I guess I did notice the ring when I looked at his fingers, I was just preoccupied imagining how sexy they'd look moving in and out of my vagina.
"Yeah, she and I are going back to Ohio this weekend to break the news to my family--she's pregnant."
Double fuck. Not only are they married, they have sex too.
"Now these crosshairs should be right at your belly button. Is that where your belly button is?"
"Yes."
"Okay, why don't you come into the other room, I'll give you some treatment right away."
Right on.
"Lay down, I'm going to lift your shirt up." Doc pulled little pads wired to a big machine. Now we're talking.
"These pads are electrical muscle stimulators, I'll strap to you and they'll start to vibrate. I'm going to turn up the dial--you just tell me if it gets too intense. How's this?"
"It feels good."
"Not too much?"
"You can do it harder. I mean faster. I mean, you can turn it up."
Doc left the room for fifteen minutes while I laid with ice packs and vibrators on my back, watching the porno version of the office visit in my head. When he returned he said he wanted to see me again as soon as possible. I agreed that it would be best.
Then I promised myself I'd never become the obese cat lady at work who spent hours Photoshopping her doctor's head onto Superman's body just so, then gave it to him as a birthday gift.
User Reviews
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-20 13:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
taking back uber : http://www.ubersite.com/m/122553#2908593
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-09-16 04:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-06 16:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bartenders are fantastic in the sack too. Just worthless anywhere else.
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Bartenders where I went to school spread STD's at a prodigious rate.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-15 23:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boners. I like those.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2009-09-09 17:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was recently in the hospital and got a sponge bath from the hottest chick i've ever seen.. then she had to take my catheter out.. but not until i stalled her for 30 seconds while my boner went away.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-09-09 16:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-08 16:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didnt know you were a guy
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-08 11:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so... how's the photoshop coming along?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-09-08 11:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2009-09-08 01:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sad, but not in a funny way.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-09-07 22:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never had a hot doctor. Hot dentist with a ring, yes- it was very distracting. Also a dermatologist who looked like Moby and smelled like oranges.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2009-09-07 03:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-04 07:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doctors are amazing in bed. Trust.
Anyone who studies anatomy has a definite advantage over the masses...
The only time I've ever gotten a hottie doctor, it was a 2 for 1 deal, a resident and his intern that looked like they bothjust walked off the set of ER. Of course I was in for a nasty case of strep throat, complete with constant sweating, cracked and bleeding lips frombeing dehydrated, glands in my throat the size of tennis balls, and that greasy washed out look you get from not getting out of bed for a week. The perfect cap to it all was when they sparayed some nasty numbing crap to help my throat not hurt so I would drink some juice they brought my, the combination of which rewarded themwitg the previlege of watching me vomit into a trashcan for a much longer period oftime than I would have gussed possible for someone who hadn't eaten in three days...
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-09-06 20:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first thing that caught my eye was the reference to being tight... Hmmm!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-09-06 18:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vagina
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-06 16:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bartenders are fantastic in the sack too. Just worthless anywhere else.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-06 05:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you didn't answer me wtf
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-05 08:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So... I take it your back is fine?
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-09-04 21:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well did he come or what?
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-09-04 15:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I recently watched a dominatrix I know give an "electro play" demonstration, and she put those electrical pads on either side of a girl's pussy and zapped her with a tens unit. It was pretty cool. The girl kissed her boyfriend (who was also in the demo) while I held the boyfriend's hand, and I could feel the electricity pass from her through him into my hand. (I don't suggest trying this at home without education--the dominatrix is also a nurse. I just realized that I know about five dominatrices who are nurses. I guess it makes sense.)
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-09-04 15:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a similar experience with a sexy doctor...he had really nice hands..
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-04 12:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-09-04 12:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Three weeks ago, my brakes locked up on the highway and I swerved across three lanes of traffic and drove into a concrete median at 70 miles an hour
=============
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
!
!
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maybe the crash improved her looks.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-09-04 12:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Three weeks ago, my brakes locked up on the highway and I swerved across three lanes of traffic and drove into a concrete median at 70 miles an hour
=============
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
!
!
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-04 09:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The horse says: would you like something more?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2009-09-04 09:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Doesn't sound one-sided, but yeah, that sucks.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-09-04 09:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. I guess I did notice the ring when I looked at his fingers, I was just preoccupied imagining how sexy they'd look moving in and out of my vagina.
======================
HIYO SILVER!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hell. I can't believe I joined that bandwagon. Sorry, Jack.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shennanigans. You've clearly stated that you have a vagina, yet we all know that there are no womenz on uber. I'm Susie_Derkins, and Method runs Circe and Forensic. I bet this is really Jack scoping out his homoerotic fantasies. Your mentioning cats in the end is the clincher.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Three weeks ago, my brakes locked up on the highway and I swerved across three lanes of traffic and drove into a concrete median at 70 miles an hour
=============
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
!
!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-04 08:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you got Dr. Shlongy hard, if that was your ultimate goal.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-04 07:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-04 07:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2009-09-04 02:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
become the cat lady
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-04 07:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, it was quite definitely a human male. Fair enough, maybe it was just mine who was good.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 07:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i fucked a final year med student in a closet at a party once.
aside from my inherent radness of being at a party where i knew precisely 0 people and STILL managing to get laid, it was merely ok.
therefore, i refute the below statement. i dont believe ones choice in vocation has anything to do with their sexual prowess one way or the other.
though i think forensic got confused and fucked one of those science-lab skeletons, mistakenly thinking it was one of her kind.
nah that sucked.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-04 07:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doctors are amazing in bed. Trust.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-04 04:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was awesome.
All doctors are preverts.
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2009-09-04 04:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I work at a hospital, and it's thoughts like this (but for the more fair female sex) that keep me awake during my daydreams. I think I'd even take a colonoscopy if the right doctor told me it was best. But what do they know? They're only doctors. Hah! I went to school for 7 years and all I got was a lousy tshirt that reads "2002 Jackson County Special Olympics Public Defecation Champion". Shit.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-04 03:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are very important
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2009-09-04 03:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So is it pretty cool having a vainga? I mean are you happy you got a vag instead of a wenus?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2009-09-04 02:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
become the cat lady
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-04 02:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks id your first argument actually gave me some direction, which is what I was having trouble with. Pretty much what I always have trouble with, direction and cohesion. I'm way too wishy washy.
Haha@ referencing your ideas though
Bibliography.
1. Some guy on Ubersite. 2009. www.ubersite.com. accessed 4th of September 2009.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-09-04 02:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just sign up a new account as 'Your Mom'... and then just add yourself.
-----------------------------------
"Our automated system will not approve this name. If you believe this is an error, please contact us."
:(
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
also, id like to add that ive pulled the below rants out of my arse just now, so i dont stand by anything ive said. feel free to rip it all to shreds.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
been numbed by /b/ to the point that you dont need the cover of anonymous posting to display pictures of your cock, phallic?
though i spose, only a few people here know your name, so its still pretty much anonymous.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mainstream media has to sell advertisements to justify itself. this means that any chance of completely truthful and complete reporting is instantly compromised through the commercialisation of journalism. in order to be taken seriously, one has to be read enough to be able to make money, in order to make money, one inevitably has to compromise upon any moralistic standpoint to be able to make the most money possible, which is the goal of any commercial venture. it is a catch-22.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Lisa, I remember fucking years ago you posting some snarky aside to the effect of "I'll post my tits when a male user posts his dick..." in response to a request to see your tits.
Does that offer still stand?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'too many people' is not a complete argument.
in australia, for example, there is a good argument for 'not enough people' - ie. its relative to where you are in the world. furthermore, 'too many people' relates to everyone living in the ridiculously high standard of living you, i and everyone else who has enough leisure time to fuck around on the internet like this takes utterly for granted.
really, the biggest issue with reporting about the environment is a complete, total, utter lack of understanding about ANYTHING involved in the discussion. it is such a broad topic that no one study, no one opinion piece, no fucking pointless governments' summit can possibly encompass everything involved.
quite simply, the biggest environmental issue facing 'the planet' is the environment itself. it changes - the climate goes up in temperature, the climate goes down in temperature. meanwhile the species of flora and fauna living on the planet have to adjust. some die off, some thrive, others evolve to adapt to the circumstances. yes, cute little bunnies here and there are being killed by big industry and yes whaling is bad m'kay, but as far as 'the planet' is concerned whats the big deal.
so, you could argue that the quuestion itself (f that is the wording of the question) is way too trite and meaningless to be answered seriously. the question should be more like what is the largest environmental issue facing HUMANITY. to which, i would answer the same thing. regardless of our carbon-based crimes, or our toxic waste, or our relentless extinction of otherwise perfectly happy and successful species, the big issue facing us in an environmental sense is the environment itself.
we are overdue for an ice age - there was a mini ice age in the elizabethan era, humanity got on just fine - some people died, others lived, life went on.
and life will go on.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mainstream media is doing a poor job of covering environmental issues.
*vomit*
-I'm saying yes, because the biggest environmental issue facing the planet is too many people, not global warming or climate change, yet that is all we hear about.
I always though it would be easy to have an opinion, turns out its not.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just sign up a new account as 'Your Mom'... and then just add yourself.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I met that guy. He jiggled my manparts a little and I got a semi.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I tried to see if Facebook would let me set my status to "In a Relationship" with "your mom." It didn't.
---
Now that is disappointing.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
on what?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 13:03:29 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, i said it was a good story. i mostly only replied to make my awesome double joke at firstly that dude who seemed to be casually laying out some sort of weird half-invitation to lisa for a casual hook-up, then at lisa who, being the little battler she is, i know can take it.
then i made the tone serious to remind the kids at home that yes, while we internet professionals joke and laugh and make crazy stories, peoples lives are serious business, and the internet in no less serious.
dont do this at home kids.
----------
Point taken, you're still a grumpy ass though.
Wanna write an opinion piece for me??
Submitted by crosschris (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING... outstanding..
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 01:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, i said it was a good story. i mostly only replied to make my awesome double joke at firstly that dude who seemed to be casually laying out some sort of weird half-invitation to lisa for a casual hook-up, then at lisa who, being the little battler she is, i know can take it.
then i made the tone serious to remind the kids at home that yes, while we internet professionals joke and laugh and make crazy stories, peoples lives are serious business, and the internet in no less serious.
dont do this at home kids.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I tried to see if Facebook would let me set my status to "In a Relationship" with "your mom." It didn't.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
learn from master shandy, i get genital stimulation from hot doctors whenever i feel like it (even though i have outdated facial hair): http://www.ubersite.com/m/27003
forget all the flirty nonsense about cheerleading and party schools.
just say there's something wrong with your cunt.
just say something like 'Doc, my clitoris develops bright orange spots after it's been stimulated for a while. I'm very anxious about this.'
His professional curiosity will be aroused, and he will stimulate your clit for as long as you can stand it - or until orange spots appear.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus christ Iddqd, it was just a story and it was funny. When did you turn into such a misery guts?
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm no angel, but I wouldn't bang a married dude.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
you're not that important. . .
---
BEST REVIEW EVAR
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
you're not that important. . .
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-04 00:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zeppert (user info) at 2009-09-03 23:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Further proof to my theory that women are just as horny as men, but they do a better job of hiding it... I'm from Ohio too, by the way.
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just in case you, you know, wanna fuck someone ELSE from ubersite.
OH SNAP.
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good story. dont be a fucking homewrecker. he will bone you if you keep flirting and trying to get him to - hes about to have a kid, go get your own man.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-03 23:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you are one of the best writers on here. Thanks for the chuckle.
Submitted by zeppert (user info) at 2009-09-03 23:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Further proof to my theory that women are just as horny as men, but they do a better job of hiding it... I'm from Ohio too, by the way.