Bad Dates: The Puerto Rican (1561 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.53 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by netimportant (View user info) at 2009-09-22 23:26:44 EDT
Saturday night I dolled myself up to the nth degree for my date to go dancing with a hot Puerto Rican, because if there's one thing I know about Latin men, it's that they pay attention to every last physical detail on a woman. I even bothered to paint my toenails, which is a big deal for someone who occasionally sleeps on a pile of her clothes. By the time he pulled up in his Range Rover with shiny rims, I was looking fierce.
"Look at you, gorgeous," he said with a polite kiss on the cheek. "Even your feet look sexy."
"Oh, whatever, I just threw myself together."
We hit up the club, where people made extra room for us so they could watch us move our hips. "Everybody wants to be us," he shouted into my ear.
Then, after some steamy kisses on the couch, he took me out for tacos. This guy was doing everything right--arriving on time, smelling good, holding doors, showing affection, dancing sexy, filling my belly with Mexican food...
And then we started talking.
"You know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think you should be mine. Like my girlfriend."
I thought maybe that was the Puerto Rican way of saying "I want to do you," so I batted my eyelashes and smiled. "Oh yeah?" I said.
"Yeah. This was a good date. I think our next ones will be good too. How about tomorrow? I'm meeting up with my friends to watch the Bears game. It'll be all guys, but you can come. Or you can meet me after. What do you think?"
"Tomorrow? Tomorrow I have to...um, run."
"You have to run?"
"Yes, I've gotta run. At the gym, I mean."
"Oh, cool. What gym do you go to?"
"Bally's, right around the corner."
"Maybe I'll join too. Then we can work out together!"
Then it hit me that "I think you should be my girlfriend" meant "I think you should be my girlfriend." Some backstory--I haven't had a boyfriend in three years, and it's not because I haven't met men. I can't commit to a fucking hair appointment. I only do walk-ins, and once I left a walk-in because I got a bad feeling about the next available hair stylist.
Last year I was considering buying a pet, so I asked my coworkers if they knew of anything small and low-maintenance. "Like a newt or a gecko. Something I wouldn't go into debt over if it got sick. Something I could just...put outside."
"Put outside?" They asked in horror.
"Yeah, put outside if it got sick. Not to die, but to fend for itself in the wild. Natural selection, survival of the fittest, you know."
Apparently, acknowledging the harsh truth of natural selection makes me some kind of sociopath, because I've never lived that down. Months later I came into work to find a frozen toy alligator on my desk, icicles dangling from the handmade scarf around its neck, with a note that said "Too bad, Lisa, we could have made such good friends! Brrrrr :("
So you might understand why the desires of my Puerto Rican friend, quite larger than your average gecko, caused a slight swelling of the glands in my throat.
"Are you okay?"
"I think I used too much hot sauce."
"Well, I was saying that since your gym is so close to where I live, you could keep a bag with your stuff at my place. With your pajamas, a change of clothes, your feminine products...then you could just come over and take a shower and stay with me whenever you wanted, and you'd have everything you need."
By now I was skillfully planning my escape route from the tacqueria. If I could get him to walk up to the counter and order me another horchata, I might be able to sneak behind the obscenely fat lady in stilettos (what's the point of wearing stilettos when you're 300 lbs?) out the back door, completely unnoticed. But would I really want to catch a cab in little Mexico? Probably not; I'd have to devise a Plan B.
Plan B was to steer the conversation away from happily ever after. Maybe my Puerto Rican boyfriend-would-be had an end in sight to this fantasy.
"Do you plan on living in Chicago your whole life?"
"I don't really know. Maybe. You?"
"I've been thinking about moving to Austin soon."
"Austin, Texas? I could move there."
"You could?"
"Yeah, it's warm all year round. I'd like it there. And you should come to Puerto Rico with me sometime--that's beautiful too. Maybe we can go in a couple months, when the weather's cold here. Would you like that?"
"Do I have a rash on my neck?"
"I don't see anything."
"Are you sure? No bumps or anything?"
"Yes."
"Because it feels really itchy."
"Your neck is fine, sweetheart."
"Okay. Well, maybe we should go. I'm having some kind of reaction."
The Puerto Rican planned our next three dates on the ride home. First Chinatown, then salsa lessons, then of course I'd have to see him Wednesday because he'll be out of town for three whole days. I left him with what I call "the Judas kiss"--a peck on the cheek and an "I'll call you, baby," though I had no intention of initiating contact with him again.
Since then, he's called six times. In fact, during the hour I spent at the gym while my phone was at home charging, he somehow managed to have an entire conversation with me via text.
I told a group of friends this story and how I felt guilty for ignoring the Puerto Rican. The women in the group offered optimistic opinions. Perhaps the Puerto Rican would act normal if I only voiced my concerns. "If you like him, just tell him to take it slow!"
The male in the group just shrugged his shoulders and said, "You can't change creepy."
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-10-06 18:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gave me half-a-stalk.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2009-10-01 14:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF I'm not reading all that.
Sorry, nothing personal, I'm just drunk.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-01 14:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do Puerto Ricans really exist?
did he have a moustache?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-09-27 21:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-09-25 13:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-09-24 18:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this. I find that the best way to get rid of people is to be straight up. It's better to just say that "something's missing" or that you're "just not feeling it" or whatever, and to say that you "don't want to waste anyone's time". They ALWAYS say "I appreciate the honesty!!" :)
======================
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121777
Sure you do, you insecure bitch. STFU.
This was a good post.
**************************************************
I was honest in the end, No1.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2009-09-26 16:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-09-26 14:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-09-23 20:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Abandon the dating scene and join me in my quest to Taser all* men to death. Glorious!
*with the obvious exceptions of Shloongy, Caulaincourt, apollo88, and scourge. And Bart. Maybe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WTF?! You wanna Taze me too?! That's scary cause you know where I live.
*starts cleaning shotgun*
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2009-09-26 13:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-09-25 13:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-09-24 18:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this. I find that the best way to get rid of people is to be straight up. It's better to just say that "something's missing" or that you're "just not feeling it" or whatever, and to say that you "don't want to waste anyone's time". They ALWAYS say "I appreciate the honesty!!" :)
======================
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121777
Sure you do, you insecure bitch. STFU.
This was a good post.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-25 03:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-24 15:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being afraid of commitments, I would suggest getting a plant before considering a pet.
------------
It's the old argument though; if a person has a plant they will kill it because all it can do is die. If they have a child they will school it in the ways of righteousnous.
I reckon Lisa would do well with a boyfriend who often worked abroad on business.
Wait, no, wait, sorry. I remember she tried that with Hidden when he was abroad and as soon as he came back it all went Pete Tong.
Okay, new plan. Lisa gets a boyfriend who has no short term memory like that fellow in Memento. Most days he'll be all "where am I? I was driving my car and then... what's going on?" BUT when ever she is horny/in need of cuddles she can just go down to the institution and be all "you're my husband. We got married last year. These are our children *present friends kids/nieces/nephews* but it's okay that you don't remember us because we know you love us".
BAM!
I solve problems. It is what I do.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-09-24 18:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you should bone the guy that said 'you cant change creepy'.
hes right, and this incredible moment of insight deserves a good 15 minutes of wrangling your well-beaten sweetmeats into if not submission, then at least vague discomfort.
go on, take a hit for the team.
-------------------
On man, this cracked me up
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-09-24 18:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy doesn't sound like he'd know how to take it slow. He needs one of those attention-sponge kind of women who loves to feel possessed. With the right kind of girl, he'd probably be great.
I feel exactly like you do, though, and even get weird about friends who are too needy. You were smart to let him know how you felt ASAP. It probably helped you avoid a "stalky-stabby-murder-your-whole-family" scenario.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-09-24 18:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this. I find that the best way to get rid of people is to be straight up. It's better to just say that "something's missing" or that you're "just not feeling it" or whatever, and to say that you "don't want to waste anyone's time". They ALWAYS say "I appreciate the honesty!!" :)
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-24 15:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being afraid of commitments, I would suggest getting a plant before considering a pet.
Submitted by ndn27 (user info) at 2009-09-24 13:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you were right to run. he has psycho stalker
guy written all over him.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-09-24 06:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a nightmare.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-09-23 21:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot AJ and muddy... OK let's just say all men on Ubersite are safe from the Taser but the rest are right fucked.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-23 21:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Me, too...what a coincidence!
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-23 21:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2009-09-23 09:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is Lisa? Hey, I thought you would have come to your senses and turned lesbo already, or turned into a plant that reproduces asexually.
That might work. I sure do like to fuck myself.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-23 20:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was very nice to leave Shlongy out of the tasering line.
Although in actuality, I wouldn't mind a LITTLE pain...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-09-23 20:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Abandon the dating scene and join me in my quest to Taser all* men to death. Glorious!
*with the obvious exceptions of Shloongy, Caulaincourt, apollo88, and scourge. And Bart. Maybe.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-23 20:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you are attracted to spics? Why? Do you think they have huge dicks?
The guy wanted to pork you..... -end of story. STFU.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-23 18:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-09-23 02:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
is it red, or white wine with tacos?
=================
Boone's Farm or Annie Greensprings, either color.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-23 18:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-09-23 17:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-09-23 16:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://incredimazing.com/static/media/2008/03/24/6fee530ffd18d26/ninjaswithguitars.jpg
Submitted by linguafranca (user info) at 2009-09-23 16:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2009-09-23 16:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-23 15:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot to bone him first...geez, what kind of whore are you?
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-09-23 15:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah...did you dress up like a chola for the date? that probably did it
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-23 12:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, now you just need to step the creep factor up a notch. If he discusses future dates, you discuss the many differences between D&D and AD&D. If he invites you to meet the parents, you invite him to your LARP group. If he starts picking out China patterns, you ask him which World of Warcraft cosplay outfit gives him mahoganny.
The only drawback is if he's actually into any of this shit. In which case you're screwed.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-09-23 12:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here I thought you had no substance or moral fiber whatsoever.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2009-09-23 10:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-written.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2009-09-23 09:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is Lisa? Hey, I thought you would have come to your senses and turned lesbo already, or turned into a plant that reproduces asexually. You're weird.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-23 07:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember: Shlongy isn't clingy...needy..or creepy.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-23 07:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you should bone the guy that said 'you cant change creepy'.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-23 07:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha Fg I'm going to mail one of my kids to you with no return address just out of pure spite.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-23 06:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can't change creepy."
Amen to that. It's nice to hear from another female commitmentphobe.
Try going out with a guy with a kid. Some woman thought I was the mother.
I still get the chills.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-09-23 04:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, so I'm like the Puerto Rican guy, I'm too nice, move too fast and when i find someone I want to be with I just let go and go all out.
Some call it creepy, some call it passionate.
However many possible relationships have been spoiled by me getting to attached too fast.
He sounds like a nice guy, you sound like my mate Dave, the sex pest, commiitophobic farmer.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-23 04:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lisa, whenever I read your posts I never fail to feel like a shark listening to a bear complain about problems with its knees.
Or maybe not. You are something of an enigma to me. Perhaps I am right in thinking you would like a man who you can turn on or off like an electro-magnet? I do not know. You seem more "action-packed" than that. It is very difficult to get a handle on.
Perhaps you could provide us with some kind of visual aid?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-23 04:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'well-beaten sweetmeats'... very nice.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-23 02:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could get a dog. One of those savage ones and just leave the gate open so it can eat random children passing by.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-09-23 02:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do Puerto Ricans sound the same as Mexicans? Because everytime I was reading what he was saying it was in my head as the Mexicans from South Park.
Maybe I'm a bit wired. Let me know. It's important!
need sleep
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-23 02:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like you're well rid.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-09-23 02:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
is it red, or white wine with tacos?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-09-23 01:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul: Of course.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you should bone the guy that said 'you cant change creepy'.
hes right, and this incredible moment of insight deserves a good 15 minutes of wrangling your well-beaten sweetmeats into if not submission, then at least vague discomfort.
go on, take a hit for the team.
Submitted by zeppert (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guy in the group was definitely right... That's creepy as fuck.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He wasn't really interested in being your boyfriend. He figured women all crave commitment, so he was just taking the obvious path into your pants. How ironic!
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol, wow. Can you say 'Clingy'? Sounds like my ex. Except she only planned out my life, who I see, what I do etc etc. Never planned out any dates or anything like that.
Fair call on the not talking back to him. But you could have atleast told him some BS, like, "I had a good time, but I can't really do relationships because I can't commit!" Yeah...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-09-22 23:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the male in the group was right.
===
yes, and he probably wants to fuck lisa too.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-22 23:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitches wear stilettos because it makes their calves POP.
Also, sleeping on a pile of old clothes is hot as shit, no joke.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-09-22 23:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the male in the group was right.