My Mother's Roast Beef (NSFW) (1400 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2009-11-09 22:03:29 EST
My mother wasn't a truly horrible cook, but certain recipes gave her trouble. Roast beef in particular. Maybe our oven was out of calibration. Maybe she bought the cheapest meat because it was only for us. Whatever the reason, her roast beef always came out dry and rubbery and flavorless. So much so that I used to pretend the Russians had nuked us and we were waiting in a fallout shelter for the radiation levels outside to come down and the only thing we had to eat was my mother's roast beef, which was some kind of emergency government ration designed to last indefinitely without refrigeration. Every bit as high in nutritional value as my mother insisted it was. My father used to take on a much more militaristic demeanor in these post nuclear holocaust daydreams of mine, exuding authority in a way he never did in real life. Only in the context of this fantasy could I bring myself to take my mother's roast beef between my lips.
Shoveling it in and chewing it up was hard enough; swallowing often proved impossible. I think of my mother's roast beef every time I watch a girl blow me. Trying to choke it down without gagging. Sometimes I couldn't do it. I'd just keep forking it in without swallowing. Huge wads of dry, chewed-up gristle accumulating inside my bulging cheeks.
To my mother's chagrin, my father recently recounted an incident involving her roast beef which I'd forgotten. Evidently, my mother's roast beef had been especially dry that night. It sucked the moisture out of my spit glands and hardened like a pair of epoxy plugs in my cheeks. No amount of milk could soften it, though I'm sure I drank glass after glass, probably dribbling all over with my mouth crammed full.
My mother's roast beef still stuffed in my cheeks, I held up my clean plate and received ice cream as a reward. I ate a bowlful, with chocolate syrup. I watched television and snacked on candy until bedtime. I even brushed my teeth! I slept all night and woke the next morning hungry for breakfast.
This is the part my father recalled. At the breakfast table, I ate a bowl of Captain Crunch with milk. I drank my orange juice, took a Fred Flintstone chewable vitamin pill and a fluoride pill. I exchanged the usual morning pleasantries with my sisters. And then I spit two, huge wads of unrecognizable matter into my cereal bowl. Splat, splat. Like hairballs, is how my father described them, in the little puddle of leftover milk.
My father stared, dumbstruck, toast poised at his open mouth. My sisters screamed. You'd have thought an alien was clawing its way out of my chest. Luckily, my mother was still asleep or I'd really have been in for it.
"What is that?" asked my father.
"What?" I said, jumping to my feet.
"Sit down," said my father. "What are those things you just spit in your bowl?"
"I don't know." I shrugged, sidling for the door.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" cried my father.
Quick as a wink, I slipped outside, leaving my father and sisters wondering at the things I'd spit in my bowl.
I know what you were thinking you sick fuck.jpg (20 kB) [image/pjpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-13 14:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paxilliona (user info) at 2009-11-11 17:35:56 PST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
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What? No snide comment to go with your negative review this time?
Submitted by paxilliona (user info) at 2009-11-11 20:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by merryfarmer (user info) at 2009-11-10 15:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This brought back memories of my mother's bad cooking. She burned everything. Recently she was renovating her kitchen and asked me if she should get a convection oven. Why in the world would you want that-- you'd just burn everything quicker.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-11-10 15:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Looks like someone ordered a Big Montana from Arby's.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-11-10 13:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
arrrrrghhhh the link omfg the link!!!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-11-10 13:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-11-10 12:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mix up some horseradish and sour cream together to put on my roast beef - makes it much more tastier
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 08:03:35 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think of my mother's roast beef every time I watch a girl blow me.
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Filename.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think of my mother's roast beef every time I watch a girl blow me.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-10 07:11:58 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
my nekkid camwhore for sico got zipped :(
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Was that the one with the ostrich or the goat? :)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my nekkid camwhore for sico got zipped :(
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart censored you. In a way, that's kind of an honor because at least you know that he's noticed you. I've had many, many images zipped.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-10 09:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey! My wonderful picture got replaced by a crummy link to my picture. Where's the shock value in that? How the fuck did that happen, anyway?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-11-10 19:49:43 WST (#)
Ranking: 1
What with it being Sesame Street's 40th anniversary and all, I looked at that pic and thought "Snuffleupagus".
"Hey, Bird."
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I just wet a little. =(
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What with it being Sesame Street's 40th anniversary and all, I looked at that pic and thought "Snuffleupagus".
"Hey, Bird."
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-10 18:04:12 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 09:49:58 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a vag split on a dick EI!!!! and incredibly nasty.
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I dont even know what that means :(
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It is a woman, with a vagina (the split bit) that is long and fat like a penis.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally gross.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-10 05:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 09:49:58 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a vag split on a dick EI!!!! and incredibly nasty.
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I dont even know what that means :(
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 04:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a vag split on a dick EI!!!! and incredibly nasty.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-10 04:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
im not clicking on that!!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-10 03:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-11-10 00:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It looks like she's been noodled by a bunch of hill-billys.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-11-10 00:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Goddamn! that is one angry gash!!!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-09 23:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-09 20:13:04 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would have given you a two because I like your stuff...... but that picture. It is now stuck in my head, much like your mothers roast beef was stuck in your mouth. That was the point though wasn't it?
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I googled roast beef pussy, or something like that. That picture popped up. Cunnilingus will never be the same again.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-11-09 23:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There's something wrong with her boobs.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-09 23:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would have given you a two because I like your stuff...... but that picture. It is now stuck in my head, much like your mothers roast beef was stuck in your mouth. That was the point though wasn't it?
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-11-09 23:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha...and ewwwwww.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-11-09 23:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving
mysteries.
A Milhouse Divided