Good fences only make good neighbours if they're soundproof (827 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2009-11-18 13:21:47 EST
I saved this draft back in October of 2008. A lot has changed since then and it's not relevant anymore, but I thought I'd post it anyway to see what your solutions were. Don't dissapoint!
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My elderly neighbour, whose house shared a wall with ours, was carted off to the hospital in March or so, not expected to live since his kidney function was down to 17%. Since then, my home life has been a living hell.
A little on the shared wall of this semi-detached shangri-la:
The walls are paper fucking thin.
I could hear our elderly neighbour cough at night. I could hear his cat jump from the bedroom windowsill. I heard him fall down the stairs a few times over the years. If you listened close enough, you could hear his phone ring.
After he left, his son came to renovate and brought with him his two or five dogs, all of which seemed to have separation anxiety. If he so much as went on the porch to retrieve the paper, they would howl like someone was tearing apart their very soul and the soul of everyone they cared about until he returned. Sometimes he left for the day. But I knew it couldn't last forever. They'd be selling the place soon. But who would buy the place? Would it be a young, childless couple like the Scotsman and I? No, I'd never be so lucky. With my luck, I thought, we'd get some yuppies with 2.5 children who were permanently coked up on Pixie Stix and thought screaming and running up and down stairs was an excellent pastime. But I never considered what actually ended up happening.
I spoke to the old man's daughter and presumably his ex-wife and found out it was a young, single man moving in. OK, I can probably deal with that. Someone for the Scotsman to drink a beer with or talk cars while I worked nights, the occasional party or obscene sound coming through the wall. No big deal. Then I was told it was two young, single guys. (insert gay jokes here). Then came moving night.
THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID NIGHT.
Spacehog and Half Naked Hal moved in at 9:30pm on a Tuesday. They went on until 1:30am when the sounds of moving changed to the surround sound TV that must have been the first thing they set up. And then the unmistakeable sound of the stoner laugh. This all went on until at least 4:30am. I gave them the benefit of the doubt for a week. Until loud fucking rap music was introduced into the mix. Heavy bass without a tune makes me want to break shit. This is how I came to meet the third resident: Eminem.
He was polite when I asked him to turn his "music" down, almost apologetic. He obviously didn't feel that badly because it was back up a few days later. Then Spacehog joined in when he got home from work every night by listening to talk radio or turning up the TV so he could hear it two streets over. This translates through a shared wall as "BVV BV BVVV BVVVVV BV. BV BVV BV BVVVV!" and so on. Then Half Naked Hal joined in a week later, shattering my hopes that he was the lone grownup in Romper Room.
The Noyz Boyz, as they have been dubbed, do not seem to sleep. Two of them work, Eminem is unemployed. The music is played at high volume at random intervals throughout the day. It can be 9:30 on a Sunday morning. It can be 2:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday. It can be 8:00 on a Wednesday night. It can be (as it is now) 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday. They also can't seem to open and close an exterior door quietly, which the previous neighbour was able to do several times a day.
Here's where you come in, dear readers. I do thank you for staying with me thus far. I need a good, workable solution that will get these great crashing scrote sniffers to shut the fuck up for good. Keep in mind, the police in this town have much better things to do and the city could care less, it's not covered under the noise bylaw since it's "occuring within the home". Both of us have been over several times asking them to keep their shit down, so the polite route is not effective. Here are my favourite suggestions from friends so far:
1. Get some polka/Barney/yodel/etc, crank it to 11, hit repeat and go to work.
2. Get some cheesy 70s porn and crank it to 11. It was suggested by someone else that they might think that we're really freaky in bed and invite friends over to listen. I retorted that at least they'd be quiet for once (except for vigorous fapping)
3. Post an ad on Craigslist for anonymous gay encounters and post their address. The low tech version was to write it on a mens room wall of the local dive bars. This was the frontrunner until the latest development in the story.
This evil plan was hatched in the past week by yours truly, and has nothing to do with shutting them up, but more to do with me getting my passive aggressive revenge. They have joined the redneck horde in this neighbourhood and decided to put some living room decor on their front porch. Astroturf, throw rug and loveseat. Oh baby. I have an overwhelming urge to buy a shrimp ring and deposit it under the cushions of the loveseat. One of two things would happen: the loveseat would be torn apart and "marked" by the neighbourhood cats OR it would rot and really reek. Either way, I get a cheap laugh.
So, if any of you sick bastards give me a solid, workable plan that gains me relative quiet, I will +2 every single one of your posts, no matter how crappy or ridiculous. I'm counting on you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lije (user info) at 2009-11-23 13:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1. Kill a drifter.
2. Casually hide the body somewhere on their property.
3. Place an anonymous call to the police about a suspicious odor.
4. Repeat as required.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-11-23 11:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-11-19 17:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-11-19 12:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm no square.
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heh, I say that all the time to people.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-11-19 14:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, but shrimp seats sound great. Better to just stuff the shrimp in a empty milk jug, fill with water, and pour the solution in the cushions after a heavy rain. No evidence, nothing that can be removed.
But the barney music all day long while you're at work sounds like the most fair and useful response. It's giving just what you've gotten, and from the sounds of it they probably like to sleep in all day. Eventually, they'll have to come to an agreement, or you can make their life just as much of a hell as they make yours.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-11-19 12:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
toe - I totally expected loud music on Friday and Saturday nights, I'm no square. It was the 2 AM on a Tuesday night I had beef with.
I mentioned at the beginning of the story that this was a draft from last year (it was actually August, not October) and this is no longer relevant. I should have specified that I no longer live there. Sorry. I wanted to post it anyway to see if you sick fucks had any ideas of outlandish and hilarious things I could do to them. I haven't seen any yet, save a few. :(
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-11-19 08:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I respect my neighbours during the week, but have absolutely no qualms when I play my music loudly at 3am on a Saturday night. They can suck it. You want peace and quiet - go live in the countryside or in an old folks village.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-19 07:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
save up and move to a detached house
unless you wanna become one of those weirdos who keep logs and cctv footage and it takes over your life just relax and think to yourself it's not forever
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-11-18 23:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime they pitch up the music, you should go outside, squat on the hood of their car, and take a shit. Every time. When they come out and ask what you're doing, nonchalantly tell them that you can't hear them over the background noise bleeding from inside.
I'll bet that they will eventually stop, but you have to do it every time. Cause and effect.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-11-18 20:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-11-18 20:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
then. then, then
===========
At least you're cool enough to know when you fucked up. . . .
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-11-18 20:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
then. then, then
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-11-18 20:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you live in Canada!?
i'm soooo sorry, you've got bigger problems then just noisy-neighbors then
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-11-18 18:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congreve rockets, dear. There will be considerably more short-term noise and considerably less long-term. Might want to evacuate the dogs first. PETA or the HSUS will have a fit if they're killed. Don't know any org that protects wiggers.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-18 18:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Face it: it's time to move. Either that or go postal on those fuckers. But you'll probably have worse neighbors in prison, so you'd better save the last round for yourself.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-11-18 18:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a minute....you live in Canada. Why would they be cranking up the Anne Murray so loud?
That's very unpolite, as you well know.
Here's what you do - you tell them that in accordance with Canadian law, they must play 1 hour a day of Francophone music (also 7 minutes of First Nations music), or you will have the Crown put them in gaol for violating the Meech Lake Accords - that will shut them up.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-11-18 17:27:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Joedaddy - you're rather exciteable! I don't live in a state :) That's the info I was given on the city bylaw website, but later (after this story was written) I received a different story from an actual bylaw officer.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-11-18 16:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-11-18 15:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
don't give a fuck what state you live in because it's a disturbing the piece violation/ quality of life issue/bla bla bla
because the noise is coming from inside a house it's not a violation?
why don't you take a minute or so (maybe a nano-second?) and think about that statement
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-11-18 15:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Put a radio/boombox in every room with a common wall with them. Tune them all to the local country station with the volume at slightly above casual conversational level. Make sure that they're all left on when you aren't home.
It worked for me.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-11-18 14:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is why I live in the sticks.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-18 14:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another?
hooligan
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-11-18 14:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish you luck...I know I couldn't deal with noisy assholes without committing another felony.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-18 13:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
start pretending your mental, go round, knock on the door and piss on their porch, do this every night until they leave.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-11-18 13:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What did you end up doing?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-11-18 13:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Listen, when dealing with scrote sniffers, leave nothing to chance. ALL OF THE ABOVE!!
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-11-18 13:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will swap you my crackhead neighbors with the brake line cutters, {they cut the brake lines on my Jeep once} who raise Pit Bull dogs - for your Spacehog and Half Naked Hal. My neighbors supply entertainment when they stay awake for a week at a time and go postal and beat the glass out of their own house and cars. The barter system might work!
Love this post.