Perfume Induced Insomnia (731 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.6 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo <esposhp319.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-20 08:22:19 EDT
Well, here I am. Again. At work. With nothing to do. My eyelids droop and I can feel the grogginess taking over...my head falling lower, and lower...and then, I breathe. I realize why I have failed to nod off.
Indeed, the only thing keeping me awake right now is the nauseating, quite possibly toxic smell of the five cent perfume the secretary behind me managed to fall in a pool of this morning. Seriously, is there a need to even wear perfume, much less douse yourself in the disgusting, Satan-spawned death spray? What is the purpose? Do you smell bad? Offensive, even? Do you feel the need to cover up your odor with this foul creation we call perfume? Or worse yet, do you think you are being more attractive to the opposite sex by drenching yourself with overpowering, stifling odors?
If so, I have a suggestion: BATHE. That's right, water will set you free. Take a shower to avoid smelling like a dirty French garbage man who just fell into a septic tank. And while you're at it, let me indulge you in another miraculous invention: SOAP. It works wonders. It takes the dirty ass grime off your body, and makes you smell good - that's right, no more smelling like someone's week old dick cheese or that egg salad sandwich that has been sitting in the back of your refrigerator for the last 3 months. And if you are uncomfortable with these new advances in hygiene technology, there is still hope for you. It comes in the form of a little bottle that reads: DEODORANT. Preferably the kind that is labeled "no scent." Ahh yes, the miracles of modern science.
Not only are these perfume-wearing idiots unaware of the concepts of showering and soap, but they also display gross disrespect for others. Imagine sitting on a train or bus, possibly reading a book or just enjoying looking at the great piece of ass that just sat down 3 rows in front of you. You're enjoying the view and then, suddenly, your nostrils are attacked, nay - decimated by a revolting odor. It penetrates your nasal cavity, and shows no restraint or mercy as your tear ducts to begin working overtime, making you look like someone who just had their grandmother run over by a Mac Truck. Your clothes - forget them - they have about as much chance of not reeking of vile odor as a Jew surviving Auschwitz. No clothesline in any tornado will get that odor out. Even your skin is saturated with the repulsive odor - you will smell like cinnamon-peach-rose for the rest of the week...at least.
Moreover, the problem becomes twofold if you have allergies. Not only are these fascist perfume Nazi`s invading your nasal cavity and clothing like the Sudetenland, but they also decide to send those unfortunate enough to have allergies into spastic asthmatic fits of coughing and nose blowing. How lovely. Five minutes ago you were thinking about going to sit next to that 5 star honey that has been giving you the "eyes", and now your eyes are so full of tears that you can't differentiate her from the 85 year old granny sitting next to you with a lazy eye and a hunchback on her way to the hairdresser for the "blue hair special." Your nostrils are now so full of mucus that you have trouble breathing and, lucky for you, you left all your tissues at home. Snot-rocket? Yeah, that will impress everyone, especially the honey. So you sit there, suffering like a crack addict in a rehab center. Like a horny dog awaiting its turn for a neutering at the vet, you sit there confused and bewildered, wondering WHY? Why all of this unnecessary pain? And all this suffering and misfortune stems from one sickening, sordid odor - perfume.
So please, don't cover up your lack of hygiene with ghastly perfume. You are offending others innocuous nasal region as well as publicly disgracing yourself.
BATHE!
peace
espo
User Reviews
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-04 16:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"BATHE. That's right, water will set you free."
hahahahaaaaaaaaa Need to pass that one on to some women here. When you make others feel as if they've just snorted acid, IT'S TOO MUCH! I don't care how good it smells. I'm a lucky one with allergies, but only musks have a lasting effect. Headache and nausea. mmmmmMMMMMMMMMM!
Submitted by dbcooper (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
I don't agree but I wont give you a neg rating either. I love women who wear good smelling perfume. Major turn-on.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-08-20 15:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I hate people that reek of perfume or colognes. It burns my eyes and stings my nose and I can still smell the shit lingering hours after someone has left.
Old People actually secrete a substance that makes them smell funny...I wish I could remember what it is called...olesin...no...damnit.
-Turtle
Submitted by txyankee (user info) at 2003-08-20 11:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
its not necessaraly the cost of the perfume that is the problem, its the age of the
person wearing it. for some reason the older you get the worse your perfume smells.
i have never had a problem with a 26 year old hottie secratary who whisks by me and
then leaves me with an odor so intoxicating that i wouldn't mind sitting the 10-15
years in prison for sexual assault(see Kobe Bryant)
but for some reason the old ladies shit stinks like well, shit. my boss is an 50 year
old woman who buys 250.00 bottles of "perfume" that smell like a 5.00 bottle of OFF(bug spray)
and its not just the women either, old guy musk and aftershave has gone down the toliet
as well.
-Alan
i get sick just thinking about her crappy "perfume"
Submitted by d_d (user info) at 2003-08-20 10:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
kinda boring
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Espo - I tried to make it as funny as I could for a sappy post, but you know. It wasnt a comedy piece to begin with, but I gave it my all.
Another +2 for being a hoser the first time I ranked.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, I know what you mean about overuse of cheap perfume.
When I was younger I overused cologne, but it was not cheap.
Still it was too much.
Don't do it anymore.
Nice post Esposito. (+2)
Submitted by EspoDmouth (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Rivers being a stand up guy.
btw, like the first kiss post, it was well written, but a little sappy. GIVE US THE FUNNY!
peace
Espo.
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Espo, you're right. I overreacted. I just studied it a lot, and it kind of sucked worse than Monica.
But it didnt deserve the 1, because it really kicked a lot of ass.
Submitted by EspoDmouth (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rivers, you got some great posts yourself and i like reading your stuff, but let me quote tucker max in response to your comment:
"If he cant take a joke, fuck him."
peace
espo
+2 for my first picture in a post
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for knowing about the Sudetenland.
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-20 08:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for using the word 'decimated'
suddenly, your nostrils are attacked, nay - decimated by a revolting odor
-2 for the Jew joke
+1 because it was a great post overall, but I couldnt bring myself to +2 a joke about Auschwitz. Sorry.