How to raise a toddler in 15 easy steps (18701 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.67 on 87 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by orphelia (View user info) at 2010-02-22 10:05:31 EST
1. Remove any discs from the DVD player. Scratch thoroughly until rendered completely unusable. Proceed to stuff bread crusts, cake and soggy half chewed biscuits into the loading slot. This will save you valuable time waiting for your toddler to do it. Little inquisitive fingers can remove any DVD player lock with the skill of a Hungarian pickpocket, do not waste money on such inventions.
2. Remove any item with value or sentiment from a height of up to 3ft (6ft if they can climb). Better still, just rid your home of pretty ornaments and nice objects (allowing more room for their gaudy, plastic crap) and use paper plates, bowls and plastic cutlery until they turn 18. Sod the environment, the nappies you just used for the last 3 years won't degrade for another 12 years, and all the driving to and from school in your 4X4 has made your carbon footprint bigger then Switzerland anyway.
3. Bibs are useless. Put them in a drawer and save them for use in your old age. Chances are, any toddler who eats wearing a bib will get food everywhere but on that piece of cloth - in their ear, in their hair, on their underwear - and the bib will remain miraculously clean.
4. Tile (or laminate if you are poor) all areas of floor the child will use. If this is not possible, tread into the pile copious amounts of baked beans, toffee and blackcurrant squash. This way, their little spills and accidents will go almost unnoticed and you won't have to beat them with a slipper continually, everyday for the next 15 years.
5. Consider naughty scribbles of wax crayon on the wall as 'art'. Be proud when they spell out there first word on the lounge cabinet, it may be 'sHiT' but, hey, your spawn may just be a child genius. Remember that art world has been fooled countless times before by parents selling off their childs doodles for vast sums of money. Nurture your budding Damien Hirst, he may be the ticket to you owning that villa in Spain.
6. Note to gardeners; Plant beds of nettles around your favourite herbaceous borders and delicate, prize winning flowera for maximum protection. Sadly, the use of barbed
wire in such situations is illegal. Ban footballs and swings and instead use your lawn to house a massive 12ft trampoline with safety enclosure because the view from the neighbours bedroom window won't be spoiled at all by this discreet garden toy.
7. For concerned parents of fussy eaters I have this advice - providing every meal from a MacDonalds Happy Meal box will ensure your offpring consumes every morsel. Always remember to incude a 'free toy' with every sitting. Sellotape and a screwdriver are not adequate gifts in this instance but empty loo roll inserts can provide hours of good, clean fun.
8. Save all your boxes and wrapping paper from Christmas and wrap it up for their birthday, thus saving you pounds and pounds. When presented with a present costing half a weeks wages, the child will invariably spend their time playing with the wrapping anyway. With any cash saved you can buy the large amounts of vodka and cigarettes you use to help numb the pain of being a parent.
9. As soon as your child starts talking, constantly tell them to 'be quiet' or if necessary 'shut your bloody piehole' if the speech is incessant or during your favourite soap opera. Make sure they know their place in society and drill into them 'children should be seen and not heard and preferably not seen as well'. Do not encourage creativity (unless it leads to financial gain) everyone despises precocious children and when little Sebastian is playing Joseph for the 4th Christmas running, other parents will start to call you a 'cunt'.
10. When faced with a tantruming toddler at the supermarket, the first step is to crave into their demands immediately, so not to create a 'scene'. However, if the child insists on throwing a wobbly it is best to go about your business as if they were not in the slightest bit related to you (whilst maintaining a safe distance). To add to this effect, roll your eyes as other customers
tut and shake their heads in unhelpful unison. Once the brat has collapsed in an exhausted heap onto the floor, scoop up, pay for your goods and get out. Make sure your cupboards are well stocked as this kind of activity will put you off shopping for at least 5 years.
11. NEVER assume that something brown and creamy is chocolate.
12. Say goodbye to all your friends who are childless. They will not understand why you can't stay out until 3am and need to phone the sluttish babysitting you left in charge of your spawn every 15 minutes and will be embarrassed and a little disgusted by the sick patch on your shoulder.
13. Keep a capacious collection of batteries at all times. Failure to do so will induce the wrath of your toddler. For annoying toys that are both noisy and have irritating with flashing lights and seem to go off in the middle of the night when no one is touching them (gifts usually purchased by someone who doesn't like you) it is ok to tell the child that the naughty toy gobblins sneaked into their room whilst they were sleeping and tampered with said toy leaving it broken. Lying to a child is fine if it stops your ears bleeding and keeps you sane.
14. Unless driven to infanticide and therefore the dress code is compulsory, never wear white or let your children wear white. The colour white has magical properties that attract dirt and grubby fingers like a magnet.
15. Remember, toddlers can be a great source of fun too. Feeding them spicy or strong tasting foods such as Marmite and chilli jam makes their little faces gurn in the most hilarious manner. Also you can fart in public and people will immediately assume it to be your child. Enjoy your children whilst they are young, in only a few years they will be treating you as a taxi and bank and having unprotected sex whilst high on drugs. Enjoy!
User Reviews
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2010-06-05 12:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-04-20 14:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welp, shes gone missing again... *Looks around to see if FJ's tent is still there.*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-04-12 04:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by baby (user info) at 2010-04-11 23:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your poor kids. living in public housing, different 'uncles' sleeping in mommy's room every night, fast food for breakfast lunch and dinner, toddling around in soiled underpants...
i'm just a baby and even i know that scummy fucking white trash like you shouldn't have kids, much less give advice (unread by this infant) on how to raise them
~~~
The worse thing is I just made the kids up as an excuse to be fat.
Now I am stuck with these e made up kids forever. And let me tell you, that e welfare doesn't strech very far when you are addicted to pizza and Cadburys :O(
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-04-12 02:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it is pretty clear whose alter this is.
Everything you ever wanted to know about baby
User id: 32049
Registered on or around: 2007-09-12 18:56:57 EDT
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Submitted by baby (user info) at 2010-04-11 23:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your poor kids. living in public housing, different 'uncles' sleeping in mommy's room every night, fast food for breakfast lunch and dinner, toddling around in soiled underpants...
i'm just a baby and even i know that scummy fucking white trash like you shouldn't have kids, much less give advice (unread by this infant) on how to raise them
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2010-04-11 16:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.
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sleep deprivation + kids TV + attending toddler groups
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-03-11 10:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have you been young lady? We have been worried sick! *Arms corssed and tapping foot*
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-03-11 10:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't take sniffer dogs on a plane, silly.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-03-11 10:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not worth the air fare i see
:(
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-03-11 10:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I emailed. I texted. I phoned. Thank god you are here, now I can cancel my train tickets and the hired pack of sniffer dogs I was going to hunt you down with.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-03-11 09:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-03-10 11:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not just you, I think there may be a computer issue
~~~
no pc issue
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-03-10 11:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not just you, I think there may be a computer issue.
so, move over in the tent.
and dont go getting all Brokeback Mountain on me.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-03-10 11:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since you are not replying to my emails I will camp here.
*pitches tent*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2010-03-03 09:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congratulazione....whatever that means
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2010-03-02 20:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There has to be a great and terrible story behind number 11, please do tell.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2010-03-02 17:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2010-03-02 15:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W thats baller.
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-03-02 10:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-03-02 07:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit B@W!?!?
awesome job!!!!!!
~~~~~
Good Job :)
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-03-02 07:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit B@W!?!?
awesome job!!!!!!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-03-02 07:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW... but all the spelling mistakes!
:)
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2010-03-02 06:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe no one congratulated you for B@W with this.
Or is that not the done thing anymore?
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2010-03-02 06:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the warning{s}
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2010-02-24 15:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a parent I found this all very educational while almost making me piss myself. But the best part was
11. NEVER assume that something brown and creamy is chocolate.
i laughed my ass off
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2010-02-23 21:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I only have one definition for the term "loading slot" and it's a lot more fun than yours.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-23 18:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Clearly there's something to them, wij and Rob, or there wouldn't be the far too many of them on the planet that there are. I just don't get it. I'm as fine with that as y'all are.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2010-02-23 16:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2010-02-23 06:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is rocket science
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-23 06:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm. I'm not keen on stuff like that. If I am googling 'crossdressing nurse handjobs oil boobs videos' I'd rather other people not know about it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-23 05:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the internet is sneaky. I once googled a bunch of stuff whilst logged into mail and suddenly got a shite load of spam regarding my googling trends. THAT is scary stuff.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-23 05:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the ads come across as sneaky know it all bastards. A bit like me.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-23 05:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, the ad's are clever, using keywords they try to identify the content and use an ad that might benefit the reader.
BB is watching you, eh.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-23 05:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you are an ace mum.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-23 05:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2010-02-23 05:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have wondered why people have children. They are pretty much non-stop need machines. I really wonder why anyone has a second one.
------------------------
you may lament not having kids when you are old.
you may turn out to be a lonely, bitter, neglected old man.
or not.
i have three kids and wouldn't give them up for anything.
they are the reason i want to get up in the morning.
they give more life than they suck out of you.
you only see the on the surface what problems they can cause, but you cannot see what they make you feel when they're yer own.
otherwise, what do i have to live for?
my own amusement?
rather unfulfilling existence.
good post
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-23 04:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2010-02-22 17:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'm out for the day. As a by the by for all those not on the up and up, Orphelia is a concurrently gestating whore who reaks of marmalade and rancid pork lard. Now you know, and remember kids, knowing is half the battle.
PS, this post would have been better if you tried having someone with even the most pedestrian concept of spelling and grammar clean up the "publicly educated in the tenements" quality of writing.
~~~
Haha I like to include a mistake in every line just to perpetuate the myth I am an unintelligent ho.
I love lard. http://pics.gormagon.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/british-lard-images_couple.gif
http://www.proteinpower.com/drmd_blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/theyre-happy-because-they-eat-lard.jpg
Call me.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2010-02-23 03:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2010-02-23 03:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have wondered why people have children. They are pretty much non-stop need machines. I really wonder why anyone has a second one.
No, Rob, I don't have kids.
No, Rob, I'm not going to have one so I can see how wonderful it is.
---
I know you don't.
OK. Don't.
Being a parent is awesome - but if you don't want to be one, it's really better for the rest of us if you avoid it. Honest.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2010-02-22 21:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great advice! You should go on Oprah!
Submitted by 53RD (user info) at 2010-02-22 20:43:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2010-02-22 18:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what else is awesome?
A: http://axecop.com/
A comic "written" by a 5 year old.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2010-02-22 18:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fruits of your labors? This is convenient and timely. Mrs. Guns and I are trying for kids this year.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2010-02-22 17:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not that hard to raise a toddler. what are they...30 pounds tops?
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2010-02-22 17:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'm out for the day. As a by the by for all those not on the up and up, Orphelia is a concurrently gestating whore who reaks of marmalade and rancid pork lard. Now you know, and remember kids, knowing is half the battle.
PS, this post would have been better if you tried having someone with even the most pedestrian concept of spelling and grammar clean up the "publicly educated in the tenements" quality of writing.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 16:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2010-02-22 14:17:05 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I WOULDN'T be a great mum. Seriously.
-----------------
but you would be a great grandmother
granny
=====
Gee. How original and pithy.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2010-02-22 15:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I WOULDN'T be a great mum. Seriously.
-----------------
but you would be a great grandmother
granny
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2010-02-22 14:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.
***
because it's like being responsible for an 18-21 yr suicide watch
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-02-22 14:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For instance, my mother was a shit mother and should have NEVER been allowed to have a child. My father was too overwhelmed to do anything about her and was too busy trying to earn a living for us. He didn't even want children but my mother thought she wanted a child who would love her instantly and unconditionally and could be her little plaything that would grow up to be her best friend and a clone of herself.
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It's amazing how many people actually think the world works that way. Children need authority. Friends != authority. Parents who grow up trying to be their kid's friend/peer usually end up being hated and looked down on. My wife sees her mother as a horrible embarassmment and has spent a good deal of her teenage and early adult life trying to pretend the woman is dead.
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2010-02-22 14:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll practice your guidelines when i suffer condom failure.
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Helpful, I have a 5 month old!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I needed this about 25 years ago. Good job
Submitted by Awesome (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im an uncle. It scares me.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I WOULDN'T be a great mum. Seriously. I do not have the patience to raise a child and do an effective job at it. The great thing is, I realised it before I got myself knocked up.
For instance, my mother was a shit mother and should have NEVER been allowed to have a child. My father was too overwhelmed to do anything about her and was too busy trying to earn a living for us. He didn't even want children but my mother thought she wanted a child who would love her instantly and unconditionally and could be her little plaything that would grow up to be her best friend and a clone of herself.
So many things wrong with that picture, I could write a paper.
I can handle children in short doses. Then I call the parents and growl into the phone "come get your demon spawn."
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fat ones make great beanbags
Submitted by Procon (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, children make excellent footstools.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am gonna do a 'roadsong' here :)
~~~
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Submitted by MarquisDeJompeJompe (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very good. I do believe I rather like you.
~~~
Thanks!
~~~
Tuts the bitchiness at school during pick up and drop off is daunting. :( Also, I cried for a year after having my first kid. NOTHING prepares you for how much it wrecks your life :)
FG I m sure you'd be a great mum, my best friend is the kids aunty, she rubber stamps with them.
Sexualchocolate don't rain on my parade, I was just worried you were gonna steal my gig as bitchy parent. We have a club, Brit parent users, c1ndy is our leader, we meet once a month and tell each other we are not fat. You should do one of these posts on babies.
no1hasdis I rely on your insults as wank material, you disappoint me. You need to get fired or something so you can act all bitter and twisted.
iccy only child one costs money after that they are quite cheap. Have a herd, they'll soon pay for themselves.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know of about five people who have the patience, wisdom, emotional stability, and overall character to make good parents. Two of those five can afford kids. Most parents are not good at what they do. They try to be their kid's friends, and the kids end up hating them for it. I would likely go the other way; beating the everloving crap out of a child until I either killed it or broke its spirit. My wife would simply not relate to it on any level.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As always, fine work.
Just for the record, are you pro or con kid? Because I will be f'in shocked if you say pro.
~~~
The three i have tell me I am pro.
Submitted by Procon (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not worth much else. Shitting, crying, screaming, greedy little grubs.
So, yes, have babies if you're poor. You can eat them and stave off starvation. And make condoms from them. So you can fuck your wife next time without knocking the whore up.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to ream you out on your parenting and call you a whore, but it's Monday morning and I'm to tired for that. So I'll just give you a +2 and pretend you're a wonderful lady who wrote an inspiring and witty post.
Submitted by Procon (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck. Kids. Forever. Little bastards. Good for eating, and their skin makes excellent condoms.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff here.
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As always, fine work.
Just for the record, are you pro or con kid? Because I will be f'in shocked if you say pro.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... I also get out the Play-Doh and make solar system models with the chilluns.
------
Show us Uranus.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She was irrational. All women were. The rational ones had all been weeded out by the process of natural selection eons ago. No rational creature would ever consent to becoming pregnant; therefore, only irrational females reproduced, passing their irrational X chromosomes on to their daughters. Such was the process of evolution, that women had evolved to be ruled by their emotions. In a cruel stroke of revenge, they planted one of their X chromosomes in their sons, as well. Maybe his own X chromosome explained the way he felt about his son.
More likely, he thought with a yawn, it had caused him to marry in the first place."
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While I didn't go into this with any expectations of what sort of parent I would be, it can actually be good fun completely fucking a whole other person up.
For the first two years of it, when she cried- I cried. After that came the tantrums, when she had a tanty- I had a tanty. But then I turned 21 and realised I was getting a bit too old to be crying and stamping my feet when things didn't go my way. Ok I lie, I still chuck the odd one. But nothing shuts a kid up better then seeing their normally calm mum, scream and throw herself onto the ground.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Say goodbye to your friends who are childless" forever.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew I'd be a crap mother so I opted out from having kids. No need in fucking someone up needlessly.
I am a fairly decent auntie. Not an actual aunt, but the adopted auntie kind. I think my childed friends are amused when I inform their offspring, "you're not making any sense and are behaving inappropriately."
The child cocks his/her head to the side, thinks about it for a second, then fills his/her lungs up with air and lets another scream rip. I also get out the Play-Doh and make solar system models with the chilluns.
I had no idea that our solar system has 15 planets, 3 of which are pink, purple, black and green swirled.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
11 is sound advice, indeed.
girls dont poo
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow, Orphie, you're a parent, i get it, no need to keep ramming it down our throats.
hehe, no, seriously, this was entertaining.
die in a fire.
but i love you really,
still, die eventually.
please.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also it goes back to the 4x4 thing. Women and men who have children all suddenly think they have to conform to the Jones's standard of living. So they stop being who they were and become the same. You would not believe the bitchiness of the women at my kids school. It really would just be easier, to dress in the matching track suits, drive the massive car and act like a complete cunt, rather than deal with being ostracized for not knowing that for birthdays we bring cupcakes, on wednesday it is encouraged to help with art and when somebody pops out another kid we all put in for a little gift for them (even if I don't know their fucking name).
I really do prefer being useless mother, trying to get my degree and being bitched about, over basically living a shallow life vicariously through my spawn. They shop, they coffee and they clean, that's all. It could be because I had my first at 19, not in my thirties but I don't know, they could just be cunts.
Submitted by MarquisDeJompeJompe (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.
How does that happen exactly and do they get better when the child becomes an adult? See, I have a hypothesis that parents can get their souls back if when their children have their own children, they feed off the lifeforce of the grandchild.
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I think it's mainly the fact that having a child means providing for another human being to such an extent that most people are never truly ready for it. It's certainly nothing like being married; an adult can feed themselves while hungry, can dress themselves, and can make decisions based on critical thinking and forethought. Children must first have these things done for them, and then must be TAUGHT how to do so. Having a child means (ideally) committing to caring for and instructing living thing that is essentially helpless for (at least) the first five years of life.
A daunting task, if there ever was one.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have wondered why people have children
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Alcohol and condom failure
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What happened to you that your posts became such shit? Everyone who said this was good is fucking lying. I'm only giving this a positive rating because of that picture you sent me yesterday with honey smeared on your tits. I enjoyed that.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have wondered why people have children. They are pretty much non-stop need machines. I really wonder why anyone has a second one.
No, Rob, I don't have kids.
No, Rob, I'm not going to have one so I can see how wonderful it is.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's because other silly parents think they have to give up their drugs and alcohol, or if they were never into it, don't start abusing mind altering substances. It's amazing how much fun you can have with a three year old while completely tanked.
I'm really only half joking.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I live in the middle of the english countryside and still i don't think i need a 4x4 but many mums use them. not the waterproof wearing dullard brigade but the mums wearing designer clothes and 6 inch stilletos in 8 inch snow that live in the town centre.
I dunno.
children suck the life out of you because they leave you with no time for yourself. it's been known for me to hold a poo in 5 hours until i have time to go :(
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.
How does that happen exactly and do they get better when the child becomes an adult? See, I have a hypothesis that parents can get their souls back if when their children have their own children, they feed off the lifeforce of the grandchild.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear mothers are capable of improbably brilliant sluttiness.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I drive a mazda 6 but I am in the market for a new car.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The very thought of having children terrifies me. Although I could get on board with these slutty babysitters you speak of.
~~~
What of their slutty mothers?
:(
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could just shut your legs, you slovenly whore.
Seriously though, please tell me you don't drive a 4x4? I hate them right down to the bones of my soul.
Oh oh really? Oh you need that whole gas guzzling, earth raping vehicle for your one child? Oh, oh sorry, ok....... I didn't realise you had to fit all your shopping in there and the pram. Yeah, sorry my mistake of course you need your huge behemoth for all that. I know how silly of me to think I could fit my whole two children and all their bits and pieces in my tiny little sedan. No, You are Right I am the Fool.
So you go offroad much, you drive on lots of unpaved roads? Oh, you don't. In fact you never have. Oh, you just drive from school to the shops and home again. Yeah, but it is a necessity to have your fourbie.
Now move it back from the stop sign so the rest of us can see, selfish elitist cunt and while you are there take the hand brake off, jump out and lay your head behind the back tyre.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The very thought of having children terrifies me. Although I could get on board with these slutty babysitters you speak of.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They also make good footwear if properly tanned.
Submitted by MarquisDeJompeJompe (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very good. I do believe I rather like you.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even want to know how you found out about #11