Despair (426 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thanatos (View user info) at 2003-08-21 23:53:46 EDT
I don't know how to decribe the malaise I am feeling. I always have something I need to do, but on weekends, I tend to do nothing in the evenings. I never seem to have enough time in my life to do the things that need doing, or the things that I want to do, yet I have sat alone in my room for the past few hours doing nothing, having no influence with the outside world. I feel a boredom in my bones, a lack of joy, a lack of spirit. I see no good in my life. I cannot be motivated to act. I realized tonight that my life is encompassed by this tiny room, in the corner of a house. Nothing worthwhile contained therein. Movies, books, cds, computer games, nothing. My life is ending minute by minute and all I can do is sit here and try to find meaning in it. I want to let out a primal scream, a cry of despair from my very soul, but I have kept my feelings bottled up and cannot express them now. Even if I wanted to there is no one I could talk to, no one I would confide in. I feel the need for someone's compassion, yet I have no one I can turn to. I don't know how I can change. Or more accurately, I don't know how I can stop my self loathing and depression. What happened to being carefree? I cannot remember a time when I was without the pain of isolation, without the loneliness of another night spent closeted in my room with nothing but my chattel to accompany me. I cannot sleep, becuase I slept this afternoon. Instead of doing things I must, I slept, and now when the peaceful surcease of sleep is most needed I cannot gain its embrace. I seek to experience life, and yet here I sit. I take what little joy I can from nature, yet all I see of it is the grass beneath my feet to and from class. I have no outlet for feelings, and I have no time for a break from life.
There are times when I can laugh and enjoy life, yet they seem the farthest thing away now. I just don't know, and that is the worst part of my life. I lack knowledge of everything. I study, and learn, yet the knowledge is like smoke in my fingers, it will not stay no matter what I do. The merest hint of retention propels me through class, yet it is not enough, never enough.
Everquest is part of the problem. Was this brought on by it? No, it is just another thing I see in my life that has no worth. I realized today that the greatest thing I have gained from it is the ability to type faster. I may have met new friends, but how can I call someone a friend I have never spoken to, never seen, never shaken hands with, or laughed with them over life. The only people I know are Rob, Josh, and Jeremy, and though everquest may have helped me keep their friendship, it just shows how shallow I am. When we talk it isn't about how classes are going, or about what movie we saw recently, or about what happened last summer. It is talk of pixels, and happenings in a game, items and spells and things that will never aid my life, never contribute to society, never give me a feeling that my life has value.
I realize that 'everyone' feels this way at some point, but I can't believe they feel the total lack of purpose, and depression I feel so often. I look at my life and see nothing. It is quite obvious why I have no girlfriend, why I cannot talk to women, why I have never been out on a date. I have nothing to say. I have experienced nothing, and cannot express the little I have done. Who tells stories of sitting down to a game of Halflife, or reading a book, or watching a movie, or studying all night, then going to class the next day. Who is interested in stories of my life. I'm not even interested in my life, why should anyone else be?
I want to reach out to god, but I do not believe. How can I believe in something like an all powerful being, when I see science all around me? I have lost my faith, if I ever had it. I want to believe in somthing, a loving being of wisdom and compassion, but where can I see it? I look at a church and see not a house of god, but a machine, churning out a belief structure. I do not see religions as a guide to god, but as a panacaea for the weak minded. I see the Holy Roman Empire, the embodiment of corruption, not a hand of love helping the needy.
I go through my life on momentum. I do not know where it comes from, but each week it is enough to push me just enough to do some of my homework, but not all. It is enough to make me go to my classes, but not pay attention. It is enough to make me try to socialize, but not enough that I can retain interest in doing so. It is enough to make me start a project, but I never finish anything. It is renewed each week, and pushes me forward just a little bit, but I always have barely enough motivation to even get out of bed in the morning.
There are times I laugh, and joke, and enjoy the company of my friends, but in a moment I step back, and see not friendly interaction, but people having fun without me. I walk through a party of people I know, and I do not stop to talk to anyone, for I have nothing to say, and they have nothing to say to me. I sit at the bar and drink, or stand near a group of people, but I never seem to be a part of that group. A hush seems to fall upon people I try and engage in conversation, we stand staring at each other, in uncomfortable silence, nothing being said, nothing to say.
This was written about two years ago. Not much seems to have changed. I no longer play everquest, but instead have found other ways to avoid life, including Ubersite. I tried to set myself to get things done this summer, and had a great list of things to accomplish. I return to school in a few days and I have realized almost nothing was done. I have been useless this summer.
My boss gave me my co-op exit review today and talked about how well I worked, and how hard I seemed to work. He didn't seem to know about the almost daily naps in my cube, or the hours wasted on Ubersite. I could have spent my time at work learning, growing, improving my mind, becoming better than I am. Instead I look back and see hours consumed by nothing at all.
I look at my friends, but think 'are they really my friends?'. I spent the summer 20 minutes from a 'good' friend this summer and saw him once, at a social event involving many other mutual friends. I was 25 miles from two other 'good' friends, yet saw them twice all summer. Hell, I was 5 minutes from one of my best friends from high school, yet we only really did anything a few weekends. I feel like my life is filled with uncomfortable silences, no one knows what to say.
Are drugs the answer? I've never believed in using most legal drugs unless its for something serious, even avoiding aspirin unless I am really hurting. I don't want to go to see a doctor, because I would have to speak about my problems, which I think I could never do.
I've thought about illegal drugs, but they have never really appealed to me. Heroin, coke, crystal meth all seemed dangerous and too addicting. Exstacy seems like something I might try, but what's the point? It is said to make sex great, well that wouldn't do a damned thing for me, since I haven't been laid in a long fucking time.
I've never been tempted by pot. All the potheads I know were such incredible losers I never even wanted to try it. I recently learned my two best friends from high school smoke up occasionally, and its really bothered me.
I don't know what to do.
I can always continue on as I have been, barely making it, just passing classes, never meeting women. Its just nights like this that make me despair, that make me want to cry out somehow, but I no longer know how to weep.
User Reviews
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2003-08-22 12:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't bloddy well concentrate at the moment and what do you do you make your bloody post almost unreadable. I'm trying to justify why I didn't want to give you a two. Hell maybe I'm just in a bad mood.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2003-08-22 11:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunate that everyone should criticize your legitimate questions about life and its meaning.
I'm sorry they chose to do that.
Out of curiosity, have you read the "nice guys finish last" post lately?
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-08-22 11:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, are you a retard? Do you honestly think people want to hear you whine? Granted, your pain is sort of entertaining, but don't get all pissy and juvenile just because we aren't going to rub your pee-pee and tell you everything's going to be okay.
By the way, "cocksucking assholes" is so unoriginal. I could piss better insults in the snow blindfolded. Try this one on your boss: Shit-eating fucktard.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2003-08-22 09:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine, then fuck off you cock sucking assholes.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2003-08-22 04:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I feel sorry for you, but your general attitude is that of an A-class Asshole, so fuck you.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-08-22 01:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
POS POS POS POS!
You are a whiny little bastard. You fill your life with drama. I didn't even read all of it I was so appalled by your stupidity. Grow up.
-2 for being a tool
-2 for still breathing
-2 for being negative about pot (if I could smoke it I would)
-2 for putting trash like this on Ubersite.
Submitted by Creepo8 (user info) at 2003-08-22 00:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
first of all, i only read about half of that.
i smoke pot on a daily basis. i am a very
intellegent young lady. so fuck you for having
misguided views about pot.
secondly, are you in high school? cause if
you are not, then grow up. whenever i feel
like you were describing (it would have to
been in one of the earlier paragraphs)i get out.
just get off your ass and go do something.
anything.
so, i can't tell if you're joking or not.
if you are serious, then stop mooching off your
parents and do something.