True Story (622 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fritolay <thefritolay.at.burntmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-25 10:36:44 EDT
So I'm at this place a few nights back, one of my favorite ritzy restaurants, waiting for a couple of friends. They called to say they'd be late.
So I'm sitting at my regular table when I notice this woman, this incredibly stunning woman, sitting at a nearby table all alone. Now she's not your regular kind of beautiful - I mean she was gorgeous, literally head-over-heels gorgeous. She looked something like a cross between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Alba, brunette, thick, moist lips, one of those peachy, heart-shaped angel faces you want to do bad things to - man, she had it all. It was one of those love at first sight situation thingies.
So anyhow, after my jaw got to know the floor personally, I realized that this babe was sitting there all alone. This, my plotting and fertile mind decides, is my chance.
I called the waiter over.
"Yes, sir," he says, in the most posh of Oxford accents you ever heard.
I asked him to tell me - discreetly and under his breath because the upper society you find at one of these joints just eats you up - what the most expensive bottle of wine they had was. (I know zilch about wine, absolutely nothing, and to be honest, that's something of a setback with the stiff-assed society I keep.)
So he says a Merlot, a 19-something-something.
"Great," I said, "Send a bottle over to that woman over there."
Now this is your typical send-a-bottle-of-wine-over date set-up, so I figure I will hit lucky on the first try. I knew that if she just accepted the bottle, she'd be mine. Dammit, I wanted her.
Bad luck.
The waiter had the bottle ready in a jiff, glided over to the woman and I suppose said something like, "This is from the gentleman over there," with a slight nod of his head.
She looked over to me. I gave her the sexiest smile I'd ever given anyone.
She asked the waiter to wait for a second. Now these waiters never look nonplussed, so this motherfucker didn't look nonplussed. He just stood like Frankenstein while she pulled out a piece of tissue from her purse and a slim Mont Blanc.
She began to write on the tissue. The waiter waited. I waited. Dammit, she was gorgeous!
So finally she finishes up, and she hands it to the waiter, and he brings the note to me.
I read it. It said, and I quote from memory:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
Now you can imagine I'd be a little surprised at this. Not so, damn it, not so. Years of being a cultured motherfucker taught me how to look suave for the ladies.
I chuckled visibly, sure that her eyes were on me, and wrote a note of my own on the other side of the tissue.
I handed it to the waiter. The waiter gave it to the woman.
My note read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage, and I have over 25 million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
Good times.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-08-26 05:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by vacationgal (user info) at 2003-08-25 16:26:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
I've heard this one numerous times, through friends and forwarded through emails. It's old."
That's weird because this is the first time I've ever written it. Was this out of spite or something?
Submitted by vacationgal (user info) at 2003-08-25 16:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've heard this one numerous times, through friends and forwarded through emails. It's old.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-08-25 14:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And then she kicked you in the nuts when you took her out to your Dodge Dart to shag her.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-08-25 12:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hauptmann (user info) at 2003-08-25 11:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All urban legends start as "True story", and eventually some asshole is going to pass this off as his own witty encounter with a beautiful woman perpetuating the legend.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2003-08-25 10:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok, so... what happened next? Or would that ruin the story?
Submitted by SubstnceP (user info) at 2003-08-25 10:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story! HAHAAHA...good show.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-08-25 10:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the funniest lie I've ever heard.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-08-25 10:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What a "Slore".
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-08-25 10:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-25 10:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok.
(+2) whether this happened or not.