I made him prance around naked with a pine cone between his butt cheeks (1318 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.69 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hair <mrbradtoyou.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-28 20:42:57 EDT
So I woke up in this dumpster in St Kilda and it was about seven in the morning, which was a good thing because I needed to be in court by 9.
Things hadn't been going as well as I would have liked, you know things are bad when you sleep in human waste and decomposing left overs. It was partially my fault, but I chose to believe it was everyone else's fault but mine.
You see, falling in love can be a blessing, and it can be a curse. This romance was tainted from the beginning, it began just after a break up. The break wasn't clean.
My partner's ex was a nasty piece of work, some may say a cunt. I like that people say that, especially as I go to wash up in a public toilet and remove a discarded soup bone from my ear. It's a small mercy, there was meat left around the knuckle and man, was I hungry for anything that didn't have a pet on the label of the can, or a pet as the contents.
I'm walking to the court house, surely to impress the magistrate - they love a wretch in the morning. I didn't have much to lose. Actually, the only thing I had left to lose was a little weight, but I wasn't feeling all that vain at the time. I was, however, concerned about that strange discharge, but that's another matter entirely. Boy oh boy, did that stink.
On my approach, I saw the ruthless bastard who did this to me. He did everything in his power to bring me down from a comfortable life to this. He was successful in everything he had set his mind to, especially ruining me.
"Brother" he barked in a strangely joyous maner,
"I'm not your fucking brother, you cunt." Was my witty reply.
"But I have found Jebus!" he exclaimed, his Rolex bearing wrist pointing to the crisp morning sky.
"Um, don't you mean Jesus? Fuck, I can't believe I am talking to you."
"No - Jebus! Praise the Lard!"
"Dude, do you need to buy a vowel?"
"Forgive me my trespasses, show me how to redeem myself. I have decided to end my ways. I have a cheque for you to make up for my misdeeds. Praise the Lard!"
"What?"
His barrister looked at me incredulously, his wig was crooked from scratching his balding head. "Edward has had a change of heart, a spiritual awakening, and despite my advice my client wishes to make amends."
"Meaning?"
"He will pretty much do anything to appease you. Here is a cheque, you will notice he has been more than generous."
I looked at the cheque and thought that this must be a joke, until the nutter cried out to his Lard Jebus again.
"Tell me what to do to restore your faith in me"
I made him prance around naked with a pine cone between his butt cheeks.
But I took my inspiration from the Oreos commercial.
"First you lick it, then you dunk it".
He did.
Praise Jebus.
User Reviews
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's got me fucked how people find these old posts, but thanks.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-09-18 06:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-08-12 20:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-16 21:32:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post in the history of Ubersite.
Why, thank you bargled. That's a pretty big call, though.
Submitted by dasteve (user info) at 2004-05-19 04:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... I should check in more often.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-16 21:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post in the history of Ubersite.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-23 01:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most of them are my fault. Not this one though.
During my sleepless nights I have revived probably hundreds of older posts.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-23 01:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bargled's fault.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-23 01:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-04-23 01:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How, in the name of Jebus, did you find this freakin' post?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-21 11:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JEBUS SAVED MY MARRIAGE!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-21 11:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PRAISE JEBUS FOR HE IS LARD.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-09-05 02:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid motherfuckers...you messed up a perfect rank, and it deserved it too.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-09-04 18:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by dbcooper (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:09:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Now I'm giving it a worse rank thanks to your snide comment. I am honest with my rankings and I'm sorry if your precious perfect 2 rating got screwed. Deal with it.
This is the only power you have in your life, isn't it? Do you wanna be a cop when you grow up? Or maybe work in mall security?
Take a look at yourself and wake up.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hair, don't take my Asshole Magnet award away from me... I'm warning you.
Submitted by dbcooper (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Now I'm giving it a worse rank thanks to your snide comment. I am honest with my rankings and I'm sorry if your precious perfect 2 rating got screwed. Deal with it.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-09-04 02:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dbcooper is that cunt that goes around putting negative ratings in perfect 2 threads.
How awesome it must be to be dbcooper.
Awesome. +2 db.
Here, have a hug, and by hug I mean gun-shot wound.
Submitted by dbcooper (user info) at 2003-09-03 15:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-09-01 05:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-08-30 05:56:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was so excited by this post that I had to rush out and shoot a squirrel what what!
Praise Jebus.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-08-30 05:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was so excited by this post that I had to rush out and shoot a squirrel what what!
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-08-29 19:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LoSo is the post master extrodinaire - he needs to provide us more inspiration.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-08-29 08:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont know what to say.....
No comment
Submitted by SoCalCasinova (user info) at 2003-08-29 08:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The "buy a vowel line" alone was a +2
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-08-29 03:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went outside and a pine cone fell off a tree, and i was immediatley reminded of this post and busted up laughing, so I had to come back inside, turn the computer on, get on the internet, and give you another +2.
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2003-08-29 01:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What....the....hell.
Boy, I MUST be tired.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-29 01:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking quality, hair.
are there any of those posts that the diet simian listed left?
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-08-29 01:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jebus is Lard.
Hallej-Booh-Yah!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-08-28 22:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But I have found Jebus!" he exclaimed, his Rolex bearing wrist pointing to the crisp morning sky.
"Um, don't you mean Jesus? Fuck, I can't believe I am talking to you."
"No - Jebus! Praise the Lard!"
"Dude, do you need to buy a vowel?"
This made me laugh out loud. Incredible.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-08-28 22:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Praise the Lard, thats bloody awesome!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-28 20:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I *heart* Brad!
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-08-28 20:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's from LoSo's list of posts - pick one, Meat. You should do one.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-08-28 20:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-08-28 20:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AMEN, TO THAT BROTHER!!!!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2003-08-28 20:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2... PRAISE JEBUS!