Your Horoscope, Asshole (931 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: -1.44 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cock poop <cock.at.poop.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-31 20:42:37 EDT
Aries:
This is a promising day for you and your financial outlook looks good. The only bad event will be when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Taurus:
Check your home for fire and safety hazards today. This includes exercising so your fat ass can waddle outside during a fire without stopping to grab a twinkie.
Gemini:
You will realize the true meaning of your life today. You will also have diarhea.
Cancer:
Never forget that truth is in the eye of the beholder. No matter how many people tell you that you have a pile of dead bodies in your garage, you are still correct in saying that you have a pile of jets in your garage.
Leo:
Everyone knows that Leo's suck. That's all.
Virgo:
You wake up refreshed this morning. By refreshed I mean that you will wake up with a bloody condom in your ass and a foggy memory.
Libra:
Castration is not for everyone, just you.
Jupiter:
You have good reason to get promoted in your job today. If you have to vomit during the day, make sure you are away from fans, because your vomit will blow into everyone's faces.
User Reviews
Submitted by Velouria (user info) at 2003-09-29 16:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you suck.
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-09-02 20:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This fucking sucked (and I'm not being ironic)!
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-09-02 20:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jupiter isn't a sign you dumbass!
And there are TWELVE, not eight.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-09-02 12:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Didn't Chris Rock do something similar to this?
It was in that song he did, "No sex in the champagne room"
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-09-02 10:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your Horoscope for Today
Weird Al
Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the tru Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-09-02 10:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh my god. What a turn on.
Ive never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life.
No wait,that not right... its not really turning me on...
Whats the feeling Im feeling?
Oh yeah... thats right.
Its pity.
I get them confused sometimes.
It explains an awful lot of my ex boyfriends.
You're a retard aren't you? and thats what Im feeling. Im feeling pity for the retard that tried but kind of missed the point.
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-09-02 10:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was lame, your self-ratings were lame, and you are lame. YOU! YOU, personally YOU! Not anyone, YOU.
YOU ARE LAME.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-09-02 08:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
worthless
Submitted by CockPoop (user info) at 2003-09-02 01:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the funny part, jackass. You think I don't know that there are 12 zodiac signs? Geez, you're a fucking stupid idiot.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-01 23:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not even massive amounts of alcohol makes this any better.
And hey, look, I'm pissed off my ass and can still remember that there are twelve Zodiac signs and that Jupiter is not one of them.
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-09-01 22:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah tit... You've been posting that in every post... STOP
Good horoscopes.
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-09-01 22:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is probably the worst possible waste of time that I have ever seen.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-09-01 22:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sunday Monday Wednesday Saturday
Tuesday Wednesday Tuesday Thursday
Su-u-unday! TUESDAY FRIDAY!
Marmalade! Oh Marmalade!
Keep it off my hand grenade!
Sunday Friday Tuesday Tuesday
Wednesday Monday Saturday Thursday
Su-u-unday! TUESDAY FRIDAY!
Marmalade! Oh Marmalade!
Keep it off my hand grenade!
Sunday Tukday Wednesday Friday
Monday Monday Monday Saturday
Su-u-unday! DOOMSDAY FRIEDEGG!
Gargamel, oh Azriel
Makes a Smurf's life living hell!
Submitted by CockPoop (user info) at 2003-09-01 16:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do too PAS. I do too...
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-01 16:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Since you enjoy including the planets I hope you get fucked by Pluto.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2003-09-01 07:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ungh. Cocky pieces of 16 year old shit make the rest of us look bad. and don't mess with Ess, you cunt.
-Hads.
just checking in.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-09-01 06:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
die
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-01 04:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-01 04:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are 16 aren't you? Go tell your friends you got bitched by a bunch of adults, they'll probably be impressed.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-01 04:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For future refernce, a woman's vagina lies between her thighs, not her hips.
Once you pass puberty and a woman(both blind and desperate, no doubt)lets you touch her, you'll find this out for yourself.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-01 04:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, that is not really what you might call insulting.
Although I could see why you would make that mistake since you labour under the delusion that your post was funny.
Submitted by CockPoop (user info) at 2003-09-01 03:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea Quartermain. There is also a large gulf between your right ear and your left ear. It's almost as big as the gulf between your right hip and your left hip. In the second case, by gulf I mean you have a vagina.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-01 03:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
**Obviously you people are too thick to understand that this was supposed to be funny.**
Yeah, but there is a wide gulf between 'supposed to be' and 'actually is.'
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2003-09-01 02:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha everyone beat me to punching the shit out of him for saying Jupiter. Where is pisces. i would love to know how much of a piece of shit i am....
-Hads.
im a Neptune, get back to me on my Horoscope, asshole.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-09-01 02:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a Jupiter if you were born on a Tucksday or a Friedegg.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2003-09-01 00:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would rate this a minus two except for the fact that a Virgo that I know actually had that happen to him (of course I am also a Virgo and this has not happened to me).
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-01 00:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Last I checked, there were 12 signs in the Zodiac. Also, Jupiter is a planet, not an astrological sign. You'd know that if you hadn't pulled this list out of Uranus.
Submitted by prezuiwf (user info) at 2003-09-01 00:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cock Poop? Finally, an Uber User who rates his own posts using his username!
Submitted by Cicciro (user info) at 2003-08-31 22:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You mean you aren't a Jupiter?
Submitted by Semi_Random_Joe (user info) at 2003-08-31 22:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
He also managed to invent one.
Submitted by Cicciro (user info) at 2003-08-31 22:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You missed a good number of signs there.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-08-31 20:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Cock Poop - no more need be said.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062363744906431307#159759