UberPulp: The Case of the Low Sodium Monkey - Chapter 1 (1249 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPulp
Rating: 1.89 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-04 15:08:44 EDT
It was three o'clock in the afternoon and I was behind schedule - my bottle of whiskey was still half full.
It ain't easy being in the detective business. Any given day I wasn't sure what I'd be dodging next - bullets or creditors.
My partner Hidden was more than useless. He spent half his time chasing skirts, the other half moaning about the latest crisis in his life, and the third half drinking to the wee hours of the morning. He couldn't be bothered to take a case.
The secretary had left weeks before, some complaint about not getting a paycheck. Dames.
The sound of approaching footsteps alerted me to the presence of a visitor. I keep my feet propped up on my desk so that I appear to be at ease no matter who walks through the door, but I've got a gun strapped to the underside so that I can take care of any rough customers without making a sudden move.
I should have known better the moment she walked in through the door. She was tall, brunette - you know the type. All legs and nothing but trouble. By the time she was through with me, I'd be half the man I used to be - but not in the way you might expect.
"Are you Razor?" she sniffled.
I've always been a sucker for a dame with a tear in her eye, so I gestured to the seat in front of me.
"Siddown kid, and tell me your name."
She took a seat and looked at me, tears welling up in her eyes.
"My name is Loren, and people are trying to kill me."
"I get a lot of that. Tell me more." I lit another cigarette and took a pull from the bottle. As she gathered herself, the smoke waltzed with the ceiling fan and eventually drifted off to get accquainted with the windowpane.
"A gangster is after me. His name is Bart Cilfone."
Now, the first lesson you learn in this business is to keep your cool no matter what happens. So my voice was steady as I said, "Cilfone? The Uber Gangster that controls Chicago's south side? Forget it kid. He's got connections all over the world. There's nothing I can do, and besides, I got a lot of other jobs to take care of."
She burst into tears and pointed at the bottle on my desk. "Like what? Drinking yourself to death?"
"Hey, hey, get a hold of yourself kid."
She stood up, tears forgotten, full of resolve. "Fine, if you don't want ten million dollars, I'll take my business somewhere else."
"Siddown."
She sat down.
"You have ten million dollars on you?"
"No of course not. If I did, I'd already be on a plane to Tahiti by now."
"What's your story sweetheart?"
"Well, my husband's name was MickGinny."
"Was?"
"Let me explain. My husband worked for Cilfone, running a pornography ring. Moving knockoff porn movie titles around the city. He had a contact in South Korea, I don't know his real name. He just went by DDT. Apparently you can launder pornography through Korea, because my husband would get all these pictures and videos of redheads doing god knows what, and he'd distribute them through Cilfone's network."
I casually leaned forward and threw my hat onto my desk, covering a folder full of pictures. I was a customer, but I wasn't going to tell her that. You learn in the detective business not to give people information they don't need to know, and any man with common sense doesn't let a girl know about his porn collection until at least the second date.
"Go on, doll."
"Well, apparently my husband was doing a good job, because Cilfone entrusted him with something new."
"Oh yeah?"
"Apparently DDT had moved a shipment of diamonds through Korea, and needed to get them to Chicago. There was no way for them to get through customs exposed, so they came up with a plan."
"Continue.."
"My husband took a trip to Korea on the pretext of being an art dealer. He brought back with him a number of pieces."
"Like what?"
"Oh you know, typical stuff. Some maltese falcons, T-Shirts with "Don't be that guy" printed on them, and the crucial piece."
"Which was?"
"A statue of a monkey, made out of salt."
"A Sodium Monkey? Go on..."
"Well, inside the monkey were the diamonds. Once he got back stateside, he was supposed to deliver the monkey to Cilfone, who just had to put it in water and let it dissolve."
"I can see where this is going. Your husband got greedy."
She yelled at me, eyes flashing "My husband was a good man! He may have been charged with murder three times, but the charges were all dropped!"
"Listen, lady. He may have been a good man but he made a bad mistake. Nobody with any sense crosses Cilfone."
Her anger subsided, and she sank back into her chair.
"You're right."
"What you haven't told me is where I come in. If you had the diamonds, you'd already be gone."
She stirred uncomfortably.
"He put the monkey in a safety deposit box and he gave me the key."
"So you want me to protect you on the way over there? Cilfone's goons are waiting for you?"
"No, it's not that. I don't know where the safety deposit box is."
Typical. It wouldn't be easy, but I had some ideas about where to start. "You came to the right guy. I know how to find 'all the wrong places'."
"So you'll take the job?"
"Of course. But I need some coffee to sober up. Let's go to Bittersweet and then hop on the L train. I have a couple of contacts in Cilfone's organization and that's where we'll start."
"You have contacts in Cilfone's organization? Who?"
"I can't tell you everything doll, I have to protect their identities."
"Well who are we going to see first?"
"Just a guy I know... a STREETPUNK."
User Reviews
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2004-01-23 02:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome stuff! +++
Yea, I'm super late on reading this and have a lot of catching up, but luckily I caught your talk of starting this back up, so hopefully I have a little bit of time to get ready for the new chapter
Submitted by William Q Percy at 2003-11-05 15:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No decent detective story would be complete without:
She was tall, brunette - you know the type. All legs and nothing but trouble. By the time she was through with me, I'd be half the man I used to be - but not in the way you might expect.
Classic!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-09-10 11:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair do's Razor that was funny.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-09-05 08:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. I'll email you in a sec.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-09-05 08:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, plus 2. Very nice.
Submitted by bigmike <eyenet> at 2003-09-05 08:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-09-05 01:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor says:
I really am going to try to work in everyone I can.
Ginny, email me if you have a chance.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-05 00:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Hopefully I'll pop up in there somewhere too.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-04 23:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeremy, you rule. i can't wait for the next one.
oh, and thanks for calling me worthless, asshole. hahahaha
maybe you can make me save the day at the end of the story, when it's least expected, you know, to make up for it.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-09-04 23:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is very bukowski. i forget the title of the book, but i read it years ago. it was great.
this is also great. not quite as great, but its getting there.
oh, im writing the long version of my story, and ill email it to you when im done.
Submitted by Jimmy23 (user info) at 2003-09-04 22:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ooh oohh! Make me a henchman! A really stupid one too. That dies in a really stupid way. That would be grand.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-04 22:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I better be in this story, Razor. At least make me die. Don't even mention how, just say someone looks to the left as they are going somewhere and see a dead Fabish along in a dark ally. Don't fuck this up man. I'll accept sodomizing a guy as long as I don't have to fill out any paper work. Huh? How 'bout it?
Aww, who am I kidding?
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-04 21:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
everyone always wants me dead. going far far away is not even good enough. i didn't read that i was dead just was her husband.
if i am dead, im gonna be purdy pissed that i didn't get to lay any pipe!
oh loren baby, you know you want your fat, bald daddy.
Razor, I'm picturing you in my minds eye as Tom Hanks in road to perdition cause i cannot imagine a private dick with a goatee.
this is a really good piece, a breath of fresh air in a stuffy room. i am anxiously anticipating part 2.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-09-04 21:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-09-04 21:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-09-04 20:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is amazing, but not just because I'm the head of a criminal organization. It's been great to watch you become such a fantastic writer.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-04 18:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would comment but I have been on a computer way too long today.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-04 18:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes at 2003-09-04 18:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great start. love it so far. made me pop, like, 15 boners.
Submitted by No.9 (user info) at 2003-09-04 17:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass!
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-04 17:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always knew I'd end up being the guy that played both sides. Good story Razor. I like the mixture of wit and plot. I can't wait to read more.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2003-09-04 17:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor, you've got my subscription. When does it come out in paperback?
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-09-04 16:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor,
It's all about Tennessee Williams.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to do any more work on Sidney anytime soon, and when I do go back to it, it will be from scratch.
Seriously, I know you guys liked it, but the writing makes me want to cringe when I look at it now. I know I didn't write it that long ago, but my style changes with every day and it's... well... vomitous.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gimme more...gimme more
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loren-
yeah, i'm still waiting for sydney.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since I can't post two top level posts...
nicole, manfre, nator, would you please email me? I'd like to talk trades in our NFL fantasy league.
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
I didn't want the words to stop.
I can't wait for the next one
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PAS - That line was all mine.
Loren - I had to give up on Sidney for a lot of reasons. I'll stick this story out.
Phinch - I should be able to put up chapter two tommorrow.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus fuckin' 2
Grade AAA. Where's a publisher when you need one?
Submitted by dbcooper (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story! I'll give you a +2 as long as the second chapter is on it's way. :)
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phinch - he's broken many a heart by dangling "Sydney" in front of us, then promptly snatching her away. :-)
Fun stuff Razor! I love being a main character!!! (Just not in McBain's posts).
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic Razor.
I sit here wishing I could get my arse into gear and write something as good as this. Love all the tie-in's to Uber and The Maltese Falcon.
btw I'm sure I've seen this line somewhere before: "any man with common sense doesn't let a girl know about his porn collection until at least the second date." well, it still made me chuckle.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice! I don't think I could stick with it long enough to write fiction!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ack!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good fucking story man.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so how long are you gonna make us wait razor?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually have more than twice this written, I just figured it would be a good place to end the first chapter. The vote was overwhelmingly in favor of a serial, so I just chopped it at the first good stopping point.
Only giving myself a +2 because my rating is perfect so far.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So far so good.
Submitted by freakman (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A statue of a monkey, made out of salt."
"A Sodium Monkey? Go on..."
+2 Amazing . . . I have been waiting for this to come out for a while now. All that I hoped it would be. Can't wait to read the rest
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA. I love the detective character. I picture his voice to be super deep and roughed up from years of drinking and smoking.
Very gritty, Razor. Good stuff!!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHEN IS CHAPTER TWO!!!!!!!
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want more, I want more!!!
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-04 15:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A'!!!!!! This is great. I refreshed my browser and all I saw was Monkey in the title followed by the name Razor and I knew it had to be something really cool.
:)