UberPulp: The Case of the Low Sodium Monkey - Chapter 2 (1172 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPulp
Rating: 1.52 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-05 15:51:48 EDT
Chapter 1: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062702524190111288
Chapter 2:
Fifteen minutes later we were on the L and I was trying to get to know the lass a little better. I'm not one to tread on someone's grave but dead bodies can't keep you warm at night, unless you embalm them and install a heater.
I was trying to cozy up to her, but I had to learn a little more about her situation. Knowing could be the difference between life and death
"So... how did they kill your husband?"
"In his car, right in our garage... there was blood all over the place."
"Did they shoot him or stab him?"
"I'm not sure... they took his body, maybe so there wouldn't be as much evidence. All they left was his little finger, pinned to the headrest."
I went white. My hand began to shake. "Was there a card pinned to the finger?"
"How did you know?"
My hand shook worse, and I spilled some of my coffee onto it. Cilfone wasn't playing around. He had sent out his most deadly assassin. I wiped my hand on the seat next to me.
"I'm afraid that your husband was killed by the Firefly."
"The Firefly? I saw a picture of a fi..."
"Cilfone's most trusted assassin. She kills silently, and leaves the card that you saw attached to a body part. One one side is that picture, and on the other side..."
I paused... my nerves were rattled.
"-2. No comment."
What kind of a cold killer lays down that kind of judgement? Nobody even knew who the Firefly was. She was feared by everyone, from two bit criminal to the mayor.
"You're in deep, I'm not going to lie to you. I think I'm going to have to ask you to stay at my place tonight for your own protection."
She looked at me knowingly. Not one to back down, I returned her stare.
"You're going to be hard to crack."
"Excuse me?" She stood up, bumping into me and causing more coffee to spill onto my hand.
"Siddown. I was talking about your case."
I licked the coffee off of my hand. This trick worked every time. Make 'em think it was their mind in the gutter, not yours.
The dame was staring at me in horror. Had I messed up my line?
"Do you know what you just did?" she asked.
"What are you talking about? Calm down."
"You wiped your hand on that seat, and then licked your hand a minute later."
"Uh..."
"Do you know what kind of people sit on these trains?!? You just licked a bum's ass!"
The dame had a point. But the first rule is, never let 'em know you're rattled.
"Let me see the key."
"Not until you wash your hand!"
The train we were on suddenly rattled and swayed. People everywhere grabbed for holds as bags skittered down the aisle. Lesser men might have cowered in terror, but this is Chicago. The L was just coming to a stop.
"We're getting off here. Follow me, and stay close."
Soon we were walking down the street. The wind was terrible, but that's why I liked this city. A gumshoe has to look dramatic in his trenchcoat. I wondered briefly how they fared in Delaware.
We stopped in front of a dive I'd been to more times than I'd care to admit.
"You're taking me to a jazz club?"
"Relax, toots. If this was a date we'd be naked already. STREETPUNK is in here."
There was a long line, but I knew the bouncer. He waved us in.
The atmosphere was as thick and muggy as the atmosphere always is in detective stories. We took a booth at the back of the club. I ordered a whiskey on the rocks and told the bartender to hold the rocks and leave the bottle.
"Can we just talk to your friend whoever he is and get moving? You may be feeling casual, but my life is in danger."
"I already told you to relax kid. My contact is up on stage at the moment. Sit down and have a drink, it'll take the edge off."
She sat down, an incredulous look on her face. "You mean to tell me that your friend, this 'STREETPUNK', is none other than Stanton Brasher? The only guy to win more easy listening awards than Michael Bolton?"
"I know it's hard to believe, but he got his start as a juggalo. He's mellowed out a little since he stopped doing coke."
"And he's part of Cilfone's organization? Why? He's independently wealthy! I mean, he gets more play on stations that play the Best Mix of the 80s, 90s, and Today than any other artist on earth!"
"Listen, kid. If you haven't figured this out by now, nobody who joins Cilfone's organization ever leaves. Now sit back and lie low before you draw too much attention to us."
I kicked back and slipped on some earphones. I'm not one for fancy gadgetry - good thinking will save a private dick more than any fancy gadgets, but I keep an iPod on me for just such an emergency.
A quarter of a fifth later, Stanton's set was done and I went to meet him backstage.
He greeted me like the old friend that I was - with a right hook to the jaw.
"I told you not to come back here any more Razor. I'm through helpin' you. I don't owe you anymore."
I was hoping to wait until we were in private, but I was short on time and didn't feel like getting reaccquainted. "I'm here to talk about MickGinny and the Sodium Monkey."
Stanton paled.
"Alright, come to my dressing room. But leave the dame behind."
"She's MickGinny's wife."
Stanton looked around frantically and pulled us into his dressing room.
User Reviews
Submitted by Aryan (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Aryan (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Aryan (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Aryan (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Aryan (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Aryan (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-15 12:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good stuff.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-03 17:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cilfone's most trusted assassin. She kills silently, and leaves the card that you saw attached to a body part. One one side is that picture, and on the other side..."
I paused... my nerves were rattled.
"-2. No comment."
+2 for that
Are you happy now?
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2004-01-20 16:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-09-11 00:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cilfone's most trusted assassin. She kills silently, and leaves the card that you saw attached to a body part. One one side is that picture, and on the other side..."
I paused... my nerves were rattled.
"-2. No comment."
***********************************************************
Classic line!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-10 16:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**dead bodies can't keep you warm at night, unless you embalm them and install a heater.**
This was the best part.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-09-10 15:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so well-done.....
I just wish I'd been here long enough to get all of the inside jokes!
Razor, you have talent and skill. I hope that you share your writing in as many ways as possible, and that if you ever have the desire to write professionally, you will pursue that.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-10 14:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chapter 3 is coming, got delayed by me being sick and then busy at work. I will have it out by Friday I promise.
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-09-10 12:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just read it again, and thought it deserves another +2 from me for kicking so much ass. Awaiting the next installment.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-09-10 11:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exceptional.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-10 11:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. Razor, you never fail to amaze me with your writing.
The way you worked everything in together was brilliant.
seriously, where is chapter 3????
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-09-06 10:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read bits. Well written to be fair, just I have a tediously low attention span. Also, I never add you to MSN conversations by the way, it's bursc0ugh.at.hotmail.com - he doesn't go on Uber much but he came on and just happened to steal your address and add you.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-09-06 08:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 no comment.
if i ever realise my life-long dream of becoming a debonair international assassin and jewel thief, THAT is going to be my calling card.
im trying to think of useful criticism, but...
i cant.
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-09-06 03:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes. Beautiful.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-09-06 02:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I ordered a whiskey on the rocks and told the bartender to hold the rocks and leave the bottle."
I can't say enough about how awesome this is. Keep it coming!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-09-06 02:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor says:
I will probably post Chapter 3 on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm working on my novel this weekend.
Who wants to bet that "Random Joe" is Abe Froman?
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-05 22:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to even out a Random Joe rating.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-05 21:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey razor
are you going to post chapters tommorow, or are you gonna wait until monday?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-09-05 21:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2003-09-05 19:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This...wasn't too shabby...
Pretty good, Raz-man.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-09-05 19:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-05 18:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fucking entertaining +200
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, I have to review this again. Razor, this is seriously awesome. Too bad most of the jokes are inside to uberers only because if not, i would say try to publish this somewhere for fun. I really enjoyed reading it and the michael bolton reference had me laughing until tears swelled up into my eyes. I am still smiling from reading it. I can't wait for more.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story kicks so much ass!!!!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor...Mick's address is here in the remarks.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106251629777364191#161316
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When's the next Chapter??? I feel like a Harry Potter fan....I'm chomping at the bit...
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you know what kind of people sit on these trains?!? You just licked a bum's ass!"
that cracked me up.
I'm loving this.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:18:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:01:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
The combination of a real plot with the sarcasm of admitting it is still a story is a really nice addition. And the humor thrown in, mixed with the unforgettable "Uberposts" is really good, too.
You're doing an awesome job. Keep it up.
what he said.
Yeah. What they said. Again.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:01:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
The combination of a real plot with the sarcasm of admitting it is still a story is a really nice addition. And the humor thrown in, mixed with the unforgettable "Uberposts" is really good, too.
You're doing an awesome job. Keep it up.
what he said.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-05 17:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The combination of a real plot with the sarcasm of admitting it is still a story is a really nice addition. And the humor thrown in, mixed with the unforgettable "Uberposts" is really good, too.
You're doing an awesome job. Keep it up.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad someone liked that line about embalmed bodies, it was definitely my favorite line in that chapter.
Submitted by Wiccket (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"unless you embalm them and install a heater."
tee hee...
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good reading thusfar. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Firefly, can you see me?
Shine on, glowing, brief and brightly
Could you imagine? One summer day,
That same night be on your way
Do you remember? Hearts were too cold
Seasons have frozen us into our souls
People were sayin' the whole world is burning
Ashes have scattered too hard to turn
Upside out or inside down
False alarm, the only game in town
No man's land, the only game in town
Terrible, the only game in town
Passenger, don't you hear me?
Destination seen unclearly.
What is a man deep down inside,
What a raging beast with nothing to hide.
Upside out or inside down
False alarm, the only game in town
No man's land, the only game in town
Terrible, the only game in town
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
punk sold out, top 40 to boot!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...on the other side..."
I paused... my nerves were rattled.
"-2. No comment."
*Cue dramatic flourish in the music* Dah dah DAAAAAAAAH!
hehehehe nice
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're keepin us all chompin at the bit dude!
excellent!
im getting good mind vision with your articulate descriptions.
Submitted by dbcooper (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it! Keep it coming! :)
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Firefly and I are doing great. I had to make her an assassin seeing as she refuses to kill any creature, even mosquitoes.
Loren - I'm not telling secrets, I just need to talk to Mick and don't have his email.
Jinky Williams - http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1021355704662314234
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God this is dorky. Good writing though... keep it up!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are these "books" of which Loren speaks?
Razor - firefly? problems at home? She's not onto the fact that she's too good for you is she?
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I ordered a whiskey on the rocks and told the bartender to hold the rocks and leave the bottle."
i havent finished reading yet but had to stop and say this private dick is my kinda guy!
sept i prefer the rocks.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you know what kind of people sit on these trains?!? You just licked a bum's ass!"
Haha! You indeed have a great talent for creative writing. I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Razor:
Ginny - email me please."
HEY!!!! NO SECRETS!!!
I'm telling!
- Fun, fun, fun... I like the way you always leave it with a classic cliff hanger. Perfect lead in to the next chapter. :-)
You must have been a Hardy Boys fan when you were a kid. Oh - yeah, to the teenagers... those were what we affectionately call "Books."
L
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wondered briefly how they fared in Delaware"
God that is awesome.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect. Flawless.
+4
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Stanton. He is going to kill you. I'd watch your back if I were you. Michael Bolton, for christ's sake! I almost choked to death on my water when I read that.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so honored that my username is in the title of this masterpiece.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-09-05 16:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice..
Submitted by Yes at 2003-09-05 16:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww, it was everything I was hoping for... and more!
I just shat myself....
damnit.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-05 15:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"-2. No comment."
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2003-09-05 15:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-05 15:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ginny - email me please.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-09-05 15:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by Yes at 2003-09-05 15:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooohooo! now, off to read it....