Extra Large? Extra Cool! (1711 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.31 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-09-07 10:29:24 EDT
I and I alone know the true reason behind the rampant obesity in America. It has nothing to do with the cheap price of food, the chronic lack of excercise, or Osama Bin Laden's beard as some would lead you to believe.
Instead, it has everything to do with American clothing retailers. That's right, the GAP, Old Navy, Young Navy, Wal-Mart, your local Conoco,all of them are guilty.
"But what do they do?" you ask.
I'll tell you what they do. They ENCOURAGE people to be fat. That's right, they sell t-shirts that advertise in giant bold letters what size they are. You've seen this? These shirts will say "XL" or "XXL", or even "XXXL". What the hell is that about? "Look at me, I'm fat!" these shirts seem to scream.
Why would anyone do this? Who in their right mind would flaunt their obesity? Is this what America has come to? Apparently so. And it's getting worse. Clothing manufacturers know this. That's why you don't see any "XS" or "XXS" shirts floating around. They have an alliance with food companies and heart medicine pharmaceutical companies to get Americans as fat as possible. Folks, forget about Iran, THIS is the true Axis of Evil.
But enough about that. It's getting worse by the day. First, we had the XL. Then, the XXL. And the XXXL was the undisputed Triple Crown of fatness t-shirt advertising.
Until now. Now, there is Lloyd. Lloyd , 31, of Birmingham, Alabama is apparently the first to break a new barrier. That's right, next Monday Lloyd plans on making an appearance at the local Pine Ridge Mall to show off his latest purchase: a XXXXL t-shirt. He will only make his appearance for 10 minutes before collapsing in a wheezing pile of quivering flubber, but he will appear nonetheless and will send shockwaves throughout the obesity advertising world. Rumors have floated around the net for years about such a creation, but it appears Lloyd will finally break the XXXXL barrier. When asked about the implausibilities of such a thing, Lloyd responded, "They used to say the Earth was flat too, but now look what happened to them, they're all dead."
Some in the large t-shirt world don't share Lloyd's confidence however. "I think it's a crock of shit" said Chuck Dreyers of Atlanta, Georgia through a mouthful of donuts. After 5 minutes of thoughtful chewing, he swallowed.
"Every couple years some hot shot comes along that thinks he's going to break the Quadruple XL barrier. I've got news for him: it's not going to happen. It's a physical impossibility. I've been trying for years."
Chuck followed a vigorous eating regime for 3 and a half years in the hopes of being the first to wear the XXXXL t-shirt. He failed, and is convinced that anything capable of wearing more than XXXL cannot be human and must be an aquatic mammal of some sort.
I asked his somewhat leaner brother Harry for his opinion on the matter.
"I don't give a damn what they wear as long as Fatty McButterpants over there actually has a shirt on period. Have you heard the latest? They're thinking about making a Triple XL Speedo."
I shuddered at the thought. Who wouldn't? Is this what America is coming to? Not only being obese, but PROUD of being obese?
When Lloyd's footsteps thunder at the entrance of Pine Ridge Mall Monday, the last cries of anti-obesity sentiment will fade quietly into the night, and a new disease will replace it:
Thinness.
User Reviews
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-14 11:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JWL- I agree.
Hair - I wear a medium or a large, depending on how I want to look.
Loki - I have a new job in Houston which doesn't really allow me to get on the net much during the week, especially Ubersite.
Bart - I'm going to night classes at the University of Houston so hopefully I'll be able to get a job where wasting time on the Internet is a requirement.
Hidden, Nicole, IDDQD, and everyone else: Thanks.
Submitted by korthrun (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to mention that many employers will bitch at you if you dont try to up size things.
At the movies...."Wouldyou like a large for only 25 cents more?"
"would you like to super size that?"
"Can I get you folks any desert?"
"Would you like another soda?"
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds very professional
Although I can't relate to having any weight whatsoever. Last year (my junior year in H.S.) we checked our body fat percentage. Mine came out to 1.6% a quarter of a way through season and 1.8% after hell week. thats right, i should be dead. Swimming sure does take the life out of you literally. I was like 6'2, 135 lbs. Thank god for last summer where i just sat on my ass for a month and played video games. and they say that games are bad for our health, well not mine!
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-09-08 07:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality. Great post, as usual.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-09-08 04:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Onion-esque.
Quality.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-09-08 01:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
American sizes are large, here I wear an Australian L or XL, I wear a M in American sizes.
Who the fuck is going to fit into XXXXXL? There is no Maori that big, I am sure.
You will need to eat buckets of KFC washed down with lard soup to fill that shirt.
Fucking hell.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-08 01:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree with bart. catscradle never fails to entertain.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-09-08 01:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"anything capable of wearing more than XXXL cannot be human and must be an aquatic mammal of some sort."
You rock. You need to quit your job and go work for a place where you can come back here during the week.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-09-08 01:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem is that you have all the little guys buying all the XL and XXL shirts and the size 38-44 pants, in an effort to be cool. Being down with the "Hip-hop" as it were. Then all the big guys have to buy 3 and 4XL clothes and the size 48 pants. The bigs guys end up with the huge clothes too, even they aren't trying to look cool. They're just hip-hop by osmosis.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-08 00:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-07 21:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they are retro i guess.
school football practice shirts used to have the sizes on them like that instead of tags.
it became cool to be able to have an xxxl filled out with muscle. it was a status symbol between players, mostly line men.
now ,new navy and the like sell mens mediun shirts with xxxl on them.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-07 21:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats, where you been dawg?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-09-07 21:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yet another cool story from catscradle.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-07 21:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An interesting slant on an almost argued to death subject.
Plus a happy-type-funny way of proving a point...
I like it.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-09-07 16:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. Don't listen to that Illegal_joe asshole. Anyone that doesn't give their post a good rating is probably just a chump with no self esteem. I really don't understand the argument for not giving yourself +2's. Someone please explain it to me and explain why it is such an intense subject.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-07 15:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiice.
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-09-07 14:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burn*
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-09-07 14:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2003-09-07 13:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hah. Too true, too true.
Regards,
YellowDragon
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2003-09-07 13:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah...... i wish i was thinner....
all 115 pounds of Hadley goodness are proud of their chunk
-Hads
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-07 12:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2003-09-07 11:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And when the thinness disease comes they can all use thier XXXXL shirts for tents.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-07 11:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The bigger you are, the quicker you die.
My candle may be short but it burnt oh so brightly, they lie.
(I can't seem to stop the poetry, dammit. Sorry!).
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-09-07 11:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor says:
Good post bro. Funny stuff. You should go write for the Onion.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-09-07 11:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and I saw Seabiscuit last night. I liked it a lot (especially Randy Newman's score), but I think that it was a little heavy-handed on the symbolism at times. I think it should've left more up to its audience. Other than that, it was a quality film. It might squeak a best picture nomination, but I fear it came out too early for even that.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-07 11:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, sir.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-09-07 11:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Untrue. I read it, and I liked it. Up to your usual par.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-07 10:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the shitty thing about posting early Sunday mornings, no one will read your shit and it will fade without fanfare or memory into the Uber sub-conscious.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-07 10:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, it's a tradition.
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-09-07 10:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
two*
Alright, I'm up early today, what do you want from me?
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-09-07 10:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Burn*
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-09-07 10:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Giving yourself a plus to and not even adding anything that you forgot in the post is just idiotic. BRUN LIKE MY ASS.
Er...
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-07 10:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.