UberPulp: The Case of the Low Sodium Monkey - Chapter 3 (1183 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPulp
Rating: 1.74 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-11 17:48:23 EDT
Chapter 1: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062702524190111288
Chapter 2: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106279150872631075
"Fucking christ Razor. Are you trying to get me killed? Every gangster in Cilfone's organization is looking for her. The word is that anyone caught assisting her gets a pair of cement shoes for Christmas."
I adjusted my trenchcoat and shrugged my shoulders. "Don't worry Stanton, we were never here."
"You're damn right you weren't. Now get out."
Loren interjected tearfully, "Please! They'll kill me! You can't possibly be the man who wrote such singles as 'I Know a Jewish Carpenter Who Can Help' and 'When in Doubt, Call Stanton Out!'"
Stanton turned around, but not before his face told me Loren had scored a point. The dame had her uses.
"Listen Stanton, give me the information that I need and you can forget we ever showed up."
"You're leaving by the back door."
"That's fine. Just tell me what you know about MickGinny."
"Not much really. I'm not one of his customers. Ever since BerZerK introduced me to the wonders of homosexuality, there hasn't been much he has had to offer me. I used to like women just fine, but he laid me down and..."
ATTN GHEY MENZ! Even in the detective business, there's such a thing as too much information. Suddenly, his mention of leaving by the back door took on a whole new meaning.
I looked him square in the eye, or at least I was going to until I remembered his back was turned to me.
Pressing resolutely on, I said, "Well, you can tell me who WOULD know. Who are his friends?"
Stanton turned around. "The guy you want is Rick Manfre. He was with Ginny just about every chance he got. You'd think they were best friends, but I think that Rick was more like a smack addict who befriended the dealer for cheap prices. The guy has an insatiable appetite."
Loren turned on me, exasperated. "You know, I could have told you that. I'm his wife after all. What kind of a detective are you, anyway?"
Some dame wasn't about to call my skills into question. "You want to know what kind of a detective I am? Well, let me tell you. You're having an affair with the renowned bodybuilder Eddie Barocci. You went to see him before you walked into my office, he was too scared to help you, so he sent you to me and told you never to come back. After he had laid the pipe. While I'm at it, you pluck your eyebrows too much."
They both looked at me in complete shock.
"Who... how..." Loren stuttered.
"Should I start with the bottle of ephedra I saw in your purse? Or perhaps I should tell you about how your lipstick and hair were both mussed. Call it a hunch, but I'm guessing you weren't sucking on your dead husband's finger. Also, you came into my office and knew I was Razor. The sign on the door lists both my name and hidden's, yet you knew who I was. You must have had a description of me and I know I didn't give it to you. Should I add in the fact that Eddie's been through my door more times than Mike Tyson has been handed indictments? The last time I saw him, he smelled like Chanel No.5, which is the perfume you're wearing right at this very moment. As for your eyebrows, well..."
She slapped me. I suppose I deserved it but you might as well have told Brian Urlacher he doesn't know how to tackle people. Besides, once she got over the shock she would begin to realize how smart and manly I was. She'd be mine before the night was over.
"Also, I'm betting your husband was the type of man who tried to keep his lowlife friends away from his wife. Do you know where you can find Rick Manfre, Loren?"
She shook her head silently.
"I'm betting Stanton does."
Stanton nodded. "You can usually find him at Loki's Pleasure Palace."
"Thanks Stanton. Point us towards the back door and we'll be on our way."
"Wait," said Loren, "aren't you going to ask where it is?"
"Don't worry, I know."
Dames.
We made a quick exit out of the back door, and started walking back to the L train. We were only a hundred feet from the station when I looked back behind me and froze.
"What is it Razor? What's wrong?"
"Keep walking. We're being followed."
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-17 01:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good Uber fiction.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-09-30 17:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1064955910864213349
Missed one.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-30 17:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's chapter 4?
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-13 23:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RAZOR RULES!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-12 17:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-09-12 16:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Loren,Id fuck your eyebrows"
DAMN, Rick
that'll be a classic
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-09-12 16:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren,Id fuck your eyebrows. If that makes you feel any better. I dont think it does though. Actually it probably brings you nightmares. Sorry.
But I would.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-12 11:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren, you have beautiful eyes and you know it. I was just picking on you because I could. I also knew better than to go too far, which is why I got slapped before I could. If that makes sense.
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-09-12 11:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a little late but here's my +2
This is by far, the best ever serial story posted on Uber
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-12 10:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Suddenly, his mention of leaving by the back door took on a whole new meaning."
HAHAHAHAHA.
You're getting whacky Razor, but it's fun. Just leave my eyebrows out of it. Got it? :-)
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1051209992644813022
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-12 10:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren wears Chanel No.5
HAHAHAHAHAH
wait a min loki's what?!?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-12 10:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hadooken:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106331690370703821#172745
Submitted by gr8_ceezers_gh0st (user info) at 2003-09-12 09:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-12 09:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where's part 4 huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?huh?
we are all like crackheads with this story!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-09-12 09:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your apology is now accepted as you have made your penance. It is getting addictive.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should send this to Reader's Digest ...... maybe not. How 'bout Penthouse?
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah I just cant wait to see what kinda lowlife I am.
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another. This series will go in that mythic Uber Hall of Fame. I think Bart should put a new section on the sidebar called 'UberPulp' and have you keep posting installments. Holy shit this is turning out great. You deserve a special column on Ubersite. I can't find the words to describe the way this stuff rules.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im a porn addict!!! SCORE!!!
At least if I were to act it out in real life it wouldnt deal with much acting...
We should all see if we could do this as a movie. Thatd be hott ish. We play our own parts to save money and itd be great!
Id love to see if we could all get money together and do it.
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, that wasn't weak, that was brilliant.
You kick ass, Razor.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-09-12 08:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
**Stanton turned around. "The guy you want is Rick Manfre. He was with Ginny just about every chance he got. You'd think they were best friends, but I think that Rick was more like a smack addict who befriended the dealer for cheap prices. The guy has an insatiable appetite." **
**"Also, I'm betting your husband was the type of man who tried to keep his lowlife friends away from his wife. Do you know where you can find Rick Manfre, Loren?"
She shook her head silently.
"I'm betting Stanton does."
Stanton nodded. "You can usually find him at Loki's Pleasure Palace."**
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha
This is fucking hilarious!
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-09-12 03:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm starting to feel slighted again. am i going to be making an appearance?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-09-11 23:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Easy to follow and interesting so far Razor. Good work.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-11 23:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-11 22:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm, that feels nice...
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor says:
Don't worry jwal, we're less than 10% of the way through this story. My goal is to work in as many uberusers as possible.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
can i have a cameo?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-09-11 20:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is almost addictive, I want more, more, MORE.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-09-11 19:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep going!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-11 19:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. i'm loving this story.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-09-11 18:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"ATTN GHEY MENZ"
HAHAHA!
I love it! +2!
Submitted by dasteve (user info) at 2003-09-11 18:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely wonderful.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-11 18:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurried?
Yes: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1063295827572913100#172188
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-11 18:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's building.
I too liked the "square in the eye" line.
it kinda feels hurried. plus two none the less.
Submitted by Yes at 2003-09-11 18:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure gold....
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-09-11 17:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a weak and relatively short chapter, but neccessary for a transition.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-11 17:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I looked him square in the eye, or at least I was going to until I remembered his back was turned to me."
That's the best line in the whole thing. I also liked the song titles. They sound pretty catchy. hahaha
Submitted by Asmodues <Asmodoues.at.netscape.net> at 2003-09-11 17:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am first to rate! Worship me in all my divine glory!