From whispering Earth to shattering glass (642 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.28 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Meat <blanchfor.at.kitty-hawk.navy.mil> (View user info) at 2003-09-14 07:47:37 EDT
Ever checked your e-mail to find a message from someone you never expected? You breathe all fucked
up at first because it surprised the shit out of you. It could be called a fear in some cases but
in this case you'll call it excitement.
But you'll skip the message. Make sure it's the last one you look at, because you don't know whether to be afraid or excited or nervous about what is written behind that link.
"What the hell? It's been like a year now... what she possibly have to say after all this time?"
You read the message and it turns out to be everything short of surprising, exciting, and fearful.
It's just some random shit about how she's thought of you recently and would like to see you again.
Will you see her? Fuck no my friend, because you were done with that a long, long, time ago. There
is a slight chance you'll see her in public, but you can lie your way out of a situation like that easily. Just tell her you changed your e-mail and her messages were going to the old account. Got a new phone, you know, shit like that.
Getting rid of the bitch will not prove itself as such a simple task; however. Being the nice guy that you are you won't tell her to fuck off or that you don't want anything to do with her anymore. You're drunk though, so you consider sex even though you know you're going to regret such a thing the next morning. She'll end up in the same bar as you right after you've puked up a pint of Guinness because you haven't eaten anything all day. Barley and hops were your only meal, and I can tell you they don't taste as good coming out as they do going in.
Shot of tequila? Long island ice tea? Shit, why not. Not like you have to work tomorrow, and for some reason in this crazy world he (or she) who drinks the most is the most. Just like Beetlejuice, the ghost with the most. Except you're not a ghost, just some white dude from the swamp stumbling down a street in Japan. Get yourself a gyro, but look at the vendor funny because he's from the Middle-East even though you know that's just some stupid stereotype. But you can't
help yourself from thinking like an idiot.
You'll probably wake up all alone, not even remembering how the hell you got back to your bed. The headache and dehydration doesn't help much, and the faucet water tastes like shit. You swear you'll never go out again, you bought that playstation for a reason. But you know you're full of shit.
AND THAT IS WHEN IT HAPPENS...
The hangover double dump. The shit that leaves you with the most euphoric feeling imaginable. It is usually followed by a machine gun fart, which leaves you breathless as you feel two pounds of pure evil depart your body. You'll probably chuckle to yourself and laugh like the Pillsbury dough boy. You'll feel soft and cuddly like the Bounce fabric softener teddy bear. You'll also wiggle your feet and sing an N'Sync jig, even though you'd never come close to doing something like that in public.
Nothing can harm you in this bathroom, only john is here and he eats as much shit as he can. You feel the winds of the world pass you as the secrets and mysteries of the Earth reveal themselves in the scent of beer shit. You feel the primal urge, and then...
IT REALLY HAPPENS
You were supposed to buy toilet paper yesterday but you decided to go out drinking instead. The scent has transformed from whispering earth into shattering glass. Primal? Heh, you're as domesticated as they come. Better hope there are paper napkins lying around somewhere.
Or old socks for that matter.
User Reviews
Submitted by Velouria at 2003-09-19 12:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should have posted a post of the girl you were first talking about. Anything to take away the mental image of what happened next. I'm still recovering.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-09-14 23:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Such a charming narrative of a grog bog.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-14 21:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why yes i do.
=)
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-09-14 16:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By drunken BBQ do you mean drunken chicken? Drunken chicken is a fucking delicacy homeboy.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-14 15:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a buddy of mine brought some to our drunken BBQ last night. he said the only place he has seen it is at the grocery store around here that is in the richest neighborhood in San Antonio. this grocery store has everything you could possibly imagine. the cheese section alone is the size of a normal grocery store's produce section. it's insanity. they even have valet parking and a huge underground parking garage.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-09-14 15:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scrimshaw? Hmm.. I'll be on the lookout for it.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-09-14 15:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"wiggle you feet and sing an N'Sync jig"
too funny.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-09-14 15:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gyros (or pitas) are the shit if you put the chili sauce on them. Hot as fuck though.
And yeah zurr, the girl is japanese. i met her when I couldn't see, talk, or hear straight; and you know what they say about waking up the next morning. Man, that was one hell of a sleep just now, but I think I should get just a little more.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-09-14 15:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just experienced this same thing this morning. then again, i do every sunday morning.
god, i drank more last night than i have in a long time....
speaking of, i think this may be a good time to plug one of the things i was drinking. it's called Scrimshaw and it's one of the best beers i've ever had. if you're a real beer drinker and you can get ahold of some, try it out. you won't be dissapointed.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-14 12:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate gyros. I hate pronouncing gyros.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2003-09-14 12:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice story. i still dont get how trying to escape some wench led to you going out and getting drunk... is she in japan too?
oh yea, gyros arent middle-eastern, theyre greek (south europe). if some turk is selling them, feel free to butcher him.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-09-14 12:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I just realized this post has nothing to do with being a sailor man. Should I eat spinach and toot toot my fucking PIPE? Maybe I should baton down the hatches and fuck Thai whores without a condom on while I'm funneling a case of MGD on the weather deck of my ship.
Fuck it. I'm going to sleep.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-09-14 12:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Homos and pussies are far from being synonymous terms. I have come across many manly homosexuals in my travels. Kind of like a lumerjack or prisoner stereotype.
And I never said I wasn't gay (or bisexual). Can't be scared to come out of the closet if I never went in.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-14 12:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this piece is why sailors have a reputation for being pussies and closet homos.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-09-14 11:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's about time you wrote something again.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-09-14 11:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.cybermoonstudios.com/8bitDandD.html
That should be on boredatwork.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-09-14 11:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was awesome
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-14 11:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by john winterbottom <icehole> at 2003-09-14 10:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
>> Ever checked your e-mail to find a message from someone you never expected? <<
Yes, quite often. They usually come with an attachment like I_LOVE_YOU.EXE
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-09-14 10:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOREDATWORK, BOREDATWORK!
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-09-14 07:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me at "machine gun fart"
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-09-14 07:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god, this was so friggin funny... i seriously thought about not reading the entire thing, but this paragraph alone made me laugh louder and harder than i will all day.....
"The hangover double dump. The shit that leaves you with the most euphoric feeling imaginable. It is usually followed by a machine gun fart, which leaves you breathless as you feel two pounds of pure evil depart your body. You'll probably chuckle to yourself and laugh like the Pillsbury dough boy. You'll feel soft and cuddly like the Bounce fabric softener teddy bear. You'll also wiggle your feet and sing an N'Sync jig, even though you'd never come close to doing something like that in public."