I Am Retarded, or How To Never Get A Raise (40160 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Apathesia <dreamkrafter.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-18 13:57:12 EST
We all have our quirks. Some of us laugh like a hyena, are double jointed and can wrap their arm around themselves, or cross only one eye. Others pride themselves on the faces they can make and the odd noises they can do.
That would be me.
And in practicing these things, sometimes I don't always find the best place to try it. Regardless of where I am, if there is a mirror around me, I -cannot- resist making faces at myself. I've tried not to. Summoning every ounce of willpower I have helps a bit, but my reflection's serious, determined face always cracks me up.
You would think that I would learn not to do this in public restrooms. But no. Oh bloody hell no. After doing my business, I casually look around to see if I am alone. When I'm sure that there is no way anybody could catch me, I start to wash my hands and try to resist one last time.
Invariably, the instant I make a retarded face somebody enters the bathroom. Its never the faces that would make somebody think that your just looking at something on your face with scrutiny or running your tongue over your teeth. Oh no.
Ever get one of those annoying dance/techno songs stuck in your head and you just can NOT get it out?? Combine that with about three cups of coffee and a semi-decent day, and you've got yourself a good mood.
Coffee = Hyperactive
Good Day = Good Mood
Hyperactive + Good Mood + Mirror = My boss coming in, only to watch me do the robot to the sound of a water faucet.
For my next act, I will get caught for the third time on this site.
User Reviews
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-08-30 08:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DoctorPhil (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:41:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
Well this is just absolute shit. The nigger (pardon me, coon) who wrote it is obviously rascist to the core. Here in Australia we have a way of dealing with deadshit niggers (we call them boongs, its the sound tthey make when hit by a bullbar of an RV) and we just give them all welfare and watch them drink themselves to death, saves on long term health problems. Might have to write a piece on this.
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What the hell are you talking about, you psycho?
Submitted by DoctorPhil (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whoops wrong piece, belongs in the nigger section
Submitted by DoctorPhil (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well this is just absolute shit. The nigger (pardon me, coon) who wrote it is obviously rascist to the core. Here in Australia we have a way of dealing with deadshit niggers (we call them boongs, its the sound tthey make when hit by a bullbar of an RV) and we just give them all welfare and watch them drink themselves to death, saves on long term health problems. Might have to write a piece on this.
Submitted by OldManTeething (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hyperactive + Good Mood + Mirror = My boss coming in, only to watch me do the robot to the sound of a water faucet.
Priceless.
Congrats on B@W.
Submitted by LadyDi at 2004-07-09 12:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I pose in the mirrors... its a lot more embarrassing when your whole body is in a weird position!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-27 19:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do this too!
I think " I wonder what I look like when I look shocked" (make a face)
"How about what I look like when I am orgasming?" (make the face in the mirror
and someone walks in)
yeah I do that too.
Submitted by Harmless (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Give us a pic, jeez.
Submitted by LizardSpark (user info) at 2004-02-07 22:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I get caught making puppets with my hands and then talking to them. Hello Mr. Hand, Why Hello Mrs. Hand. My you have a mighty big thumb!
Submitted by Mr. Hawke at 2004-01-13 08:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You're a nutter.. hope you don't visit my rest room
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2003-12-24 13:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, if the belowmentioned thinks this deserves a +2...
(inside joke?)
Submitted by Diane at 2003-12-20 09:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha now that was good.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-11-29 23:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT! YOU MADE BOREDATWORK!
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2003-11-27 22:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
boring
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-11-21 19:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-11-21 19:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.
Submitted by daynesh (user info) at 2003-11-20 12:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...that is just like me. I think I've got you beat though since I've got a funny face painted on like 24/7. Also, I laugh like a hyena!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-20 01:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by steve at 2003-11-19 18:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
lame
Submitted by cbgb2002 <cbgb2002.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-11-19 14:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can look cockeyed and move each eye in a different direction than the other. I am very vane and check myself out in every availabe reflective surface in the office. I have often wondered if people notice.
Submitted by Apathesia (user info) at 2003-11-19 13:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't understand...the only time my boss sees me doing ANYTHING, its always stupid and immature things that I'm doing to entertain myself. I bet they think they hired a 12 year old.
So...do you put the robot down as "hobbies" or "skills not listed" on a resume?
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-11-19 11:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Carppulance! I meant to leave a comment, but for my insulance you score another +2.
Done that at my work before. standing in front of an off tv set watching myself in the reflection. watching myself be an idiot. and watching one of my co-workers walk up behind me.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-11-19 11:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-11-19 11:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can wiggle my ears! And flare my nostrils and roll my tongue. It's kind of funny if you do it all at once.
Submitted by kcornell (user info) at 2003-11-19 11:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for having the balls to share that "I thought I was alone" moment that we all treasure and never will admit to.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-11-19 10:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shake it, baby.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-11-19 04:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the robot!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-11-19 03:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have a thing. I can't even be fucking normal enough to have a thing.
Good post. Ashlee say +2.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2003-11-18 22:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can bark like a little chihuahua. Faggoty I know, but it is hilarious barking from cars and watching people look all over the place. I can also vibrate my eyes in my sockets, make weird faces (sometimes), and the bullwinkle voice
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-11-18 22:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-11-18 17:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not very good at faces.
I can flare my nostrils. That is about it.
Can't wiggle my ears.
Can't roll my tongue.
Can't blow bubbles with bubble gum.
Dude, that almost rhymed. + 1 for me
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-11-18 16:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do voices and stuff. I usually have good luck in not getting caught, but sometimes the luck doesn't hold. I keep hoping I'll get "discovered" and begin my career as a cartoon voice, but it hasn't happened yet. So far it's just been queer looks and stifled laughter.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-18 16:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah if i were your boss, i would have joined in.
Submitted by NickTheDivine (user info) at 2003-11-18 16:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-11-18 15:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-11-18 15:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If your boss holds doing the robot against you, your boss is no boss at all.
VIVA LA ROBOTA!!!!
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-11-18 15:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-11-18 15:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love goofy people.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2003-11-18 15:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not 100% sure, but I think if I saw you doing that, I would give you a promotion simply for providing entertainment in an otherwise icky work environment.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-11-18 15:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can fold my ear within my ear
Submitted by mox9 (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. Good read, and I can imagine you thinking 'Shit...can I play this off?'
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guapo - Im with you on that. I have lost many a night of casual sex because of it. Girls dont like be called Whores apparently.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah, that rules!
i have a similar problem with having a hard time not blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, which is usually either sarcastic, juvenile, crude, or a mix of any or all.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=105647549190786400
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get down with your bad self
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you have ADD. Thats respectable.