It's my pity party (631 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.13 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <runswithscissorsbackwards.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-17 15:23:02 EDT
And I will whine if I want to..........
I could care less if anyone responds, or even reads this. I just need a place to vent
some frustration/depression that seems to have inhabited me. Despite all my efforts, it
just doesnt want to go away.
I recall reading a few posts a while back written by a few uber-guys, about either why they
remain single despite being nice guys, or why do women 'always' go for the 'bad boys.'
Well, here is a post from the female perspective. I have been single for two years now.
For well over a year I was recovering from the demise of my former relationship and had zero
interest in dating. I have, as of late, however, been feeling the distinct absence of a
partner in my life. Now, let me state for the record: I do not NEED anyone in my life. I
am capable of existing on my own. I would LIKE someone in my life to share life experiences
with. There is a distinct difference there. I am NOT just looking for someone to have sex
with (although that is part of the package), but someone that I can connect with intellectually
and emotionally.
I have, over the past several months, met several men that I was (and still am unfortunately)
interested in getting to know better. And I made this clear, "I would like to get to know
you better, would you like to get together sometime for dinner or to grab a beer or something?"
I think that is pretty straight forward. And each and every time, I get a "No, thank you."
Honestly, I have lost count of how many times over the past 6 months I have heard that.
Who am I? You ask......
34 year old female, college grad, in more or less a 'professional' career. I am not
into makeup/hairstyle/designer clothes or any of that crap. Pretty much what you see is what
you get. Thanks to the gym (which is the ONLY thing keeping me sane right now), I am in
good physical shape. Am I a supermodel? Hell no. If someone were to ask me if I considered
myself attractive, I guess I would answer that 'yes.'
I just find myself becoming increasingly discouraged by the whole situation. I mean, one or two
'no, thank you's.....not a big deal. But when they come repetitively, it gets harder to handle.
I find myself putting myself under the microscope, which is completely demoralizing, and asking
the question, "What is wrong with me?" i know that isnt a fair question to ask, but
I still ask it.
So, for one, Uber-guys, there is at least one sane, level headed woman out there. And she
ain't interested in the 'bad boys.'
Secondly, if anyone has any advice, feel free.
Lastly, no, there isnt a point to this post. I am just venting. Feel free to tell me to
stop whining, shut up, get cancer and die, or whatever else comes to mind. In addition to
feeling incredibly sorry for myself at the moment, I am also thoroughly bored and welcome
any banter that may ensue.
User Reviews
Submitted by heckfire (user info) at 2003-09-17 17:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nothing wrong with wanting to be someone...two years is a long time. I wouldn't feel as if anything is wrong with you, you're not the first (male or female) to get in this kind of rut, it can be hard to meet someone you get along with and then make some kind of connection. I would advise taking loki's suggestions with a grain of salt, the whole bit about simple creatures that are easy to manipulate, etc...you listed your age as 34, and descibed yourself as an educated professional, so I'm assuming your sights are a little higher than the tired stereotype loki describes. Nothing against loki per se either, but I don't think you're being too honest, maybe just too honest too soon (others have already advised to lose the 'I'd like to get to know you better', that's what I mean)......you probably don't want to be less honest, just maybe ease back on the ol' throttle a bit; if you think they're worth your time you can probably give them enough credit to be straightforward and honest. Men aren't that dense, if you're interested you can let them know by paying them some extra attention without coming right out and laying it on them. If a man is interested in you or has noticed you, he'll notice that you're giving your attention to him.
Having said that, let me say this; I think men (and maybe they're not alone) do tend to assume being asked out is a date, but in this case they wouldn't be totally wrong, would they? The purpose of the meeting is to kind of see if anything clicks, not strictly to get a beer. I don't know why that bothers some people, but it does. I've had women ask me to get together, and about 50% of the time I've said yes. Likewise I've had women turn me down for the same harmless encounter...it isn't necessarilly due to a lack of interest or lack of attraction, though it could be. On the occasions when I did the turning down, often it was because I was pursuing someone else, had just gone through a breakup, or something like that.
Hanging out in groups seems like a good idea; I met many of my girlfriends that way, some of which went on to turn into good relationships...it's lower key, nothing is expected, you're both already there, etc.
Anyway, I didn't intend to babble on forever. You seem like you're pretty together, I'm sure you'll make a connection sooner or later. Hopefully sooner!
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 17:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JA meetings.....nice one Murph.....
sad thing is, if there were such a thing, I would consider going at this point.........
Damn, this IS one hell of a pity party..................
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever you do, don't listen to Loki. Not all guys are these mindless and simple 'creatures' that loki paints them out to be. I can smell a manipulative bitch (or bastard) a thousand miles away. Here's what we do with chicks like you, loki:
We placate you.
We understand that some females have this urge to manipulate and change men and that's unfortunate. Out of pity, we let you think that you're in control.
Yes, I've been the innocent one who trusted everyone (we've all been there) and now I'm the recovering jade. I go to JA meetings. I have a higher power now.
I've been naive and let other people manipulate me, thinking that most human beings are stable, mature and trustworthy. And I've learned from it. I can smell that shit a thousand miles away and have no problem kindly asking you to stay the fuck away from me.
Murphy
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PAS --
good point......I will try and change my 'approach' to a more group oriented type situation.
Either that or I am just going to throw in the towel on the whole mess and say fuck it.....
Party03......if you are asking me who I think is better/who will win.....I have no advice for
you there. I did not attend either of these colleges. I guess, out of respect for my
grandparents, I should say Beavers though......
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with reallybored, it is kinda creepy, but the guys you're talking to need to keep an open mind.
On a side note though Ducks or Beavers? I gotta ask because it's been two years since I've talked to another Oregonian except when I have time to call home every once in a blue moon.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean I'm a Gemini, too. I'm pretty sure I have more than two people in there, and one is definitely a man. Pervs, take that and run with it ;)
What PAS et al. said about making it a group thing and dropping the 'get to know you' part. huh..I said group thing...
OH HELL! I need something to do!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEA PAS, I posted that before I read yours, damn we good.
Bob look at that link on my reply below, that's her.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a pic would help
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nat-
being a twin does have its plusses, dont get me wrong, but I will be dammed if I can
take another day of my twins arguing the merits of their cases.........must go drink beer
to shut them up!
:-)
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"when I say, "I would like to get
to know you better, do you want to grab a beer sometime?" it is probably assumed that I mean
'Date' from the get go, when in fact, all I mean is what i said, that I would like to get
to know this person or that person. NOt sure how to rephrase that question......any
suggestions? "
The easy solution is: Don't make it personal. Ask a group of people out for a beer, like your work colleagues for example. Don't single anyone out even though in their midst may be Mr Hottie.
DO NOT say you want to get to know them better. They will be unsettled by your direct and honest approach. Be subtle. Just ask them to come out for a beer because you are going out anyway (with your friends) or by yourself because you've had a shitty day at work and you just want to relax.
When that person is out with you, then of course you will get to know them better because you will be enjoying their company, as they will be yours and good conversation will ensue.
But I honestly think, if possible, do not make it a one-on-one thing. Not at first anyway. Ensure other friends of yours or theirs are also going to be out. You will both feel more comfortable with other people around, it will not look so obvious that you are hitting on them, and if they turn out to be Mr Wrong, they are none the wiser.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaah..Gemini...I'm right there with ya! ;)
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Reallybored...
thanks for the advice. And I should have stated for the record as well, that I am not out
there actively looking. I am doing what i normally do, hanging out with friends in places that
I would go to anyway, but just happen to encounter people in these places that I would like
to get to know better. I am definately not out there on the prowl, as it were.
As far as the flirting thing goes......that, too, is something I pretty much suck at. It
works for some folks, for sure, but I would much rather just chat with someone than giggle
and toss my hair and bat my eyes at them......I know i am simplifying the fliriting process,
but that is what the bulk of it comes across to me as. And besides, it isnt who I am so I
would be giving a false impression of myself anyway. Not a good foot to start out on.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as a guy, here is my perspective on the whole "I would like to get
to know you better, do you want to grab a beer sometime?"
you sound a little bit omminous. drop the "i would like to get to know you" and the "sometime"
for example, "I'm gonna go get a beer after this and meet up with some friends wanna come?"
or try "i'm bored, lets go see a movie" then go to coffee afterwards.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh..sorry if I seem a bit behind in responses sometimes. For some reason I won't see anything others have said, then all the sudden there are 20 responses, I'll reload and they're gone! Then back. Then gone. It only happens on my comp at work...
Anyway..fuck head games. I say what I mean. That seems to be an unbelievable thing.
I have this theory: people behave the way they are treated. If a guy has been around neurotic girls and treated to lots of female craziness, he's going to treat girls like they're all crazy (same vice versa). So when you say 'wanna hang out and have a beer?' he thinks SHIIIIIIIIIIT! ANOTHER ONE! Not 100% of the time obviously, but anydamnway..
I'm rambling. I've been sitting staring at the screen all day damn near motionless. This is killing me! But on a happy note, rehearsals have been cancelled for the rest of the week so I can go RUNNING! Or CYCLING!! Or..or...go to the gym! Or do laundry! Holy shit!! It's so weird to have a say in your own schedule!! I don't know what to do!
Goddamn some of you girls on here seem like you'd bee really cool to hang out with. Imagine..a non-gossipy, non-frufru night with the girls...
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Natophelia -
Logically, i completely agree with EVERYTHING you said, and repeat the same things to myself
daily. However, I am also in the midst of a massive pity party and the emotional side of
this is boiling to the surface.....damn, sometimes it really sucks to be a Gemini......
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
From a guys perspective , heres what happens.
Yeah it is pretty sweet for a girl to ask you out, but then you begin to think.
Why the hell is she asking me out? .....
What the fuck is wrong with her? ....
She must be crazy or something.....
"No thanks."....
The reason is because guys believe (and for the most part, this is true) that any attractive woman will have other guys throwing themselves at her. So therefore, is she so desperate to ask you out, that means that she is fucked up. This logic is completely retarded, but hey thats life.
Heres my advice:
1) Stop looking. I honestly believe that when you go out "hunting" for a member of the opposite sex (or same sex is your gay) you never find them. Relationships, IMHO, are usually started because of some chance meeting or other such occurance.
2) If you do meet a guy you like, do the flirting thing but dont ask him out. Let him come to you. If hes interested 9 times out of 10 he will. Sometimes guys have to feel like they are in control.
One again, its retarded but its life.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-17 16:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha Hell yeah! PAS you are my new favorite person!
runswithscissors- If you're the type to be forward and honest, and you get turned down (possibly) because of it, they weren't right anyway. pffft...fuck it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either you or the guy, it just wasn't right. No big deal, no hard feelings. The guy who says yes to your "forward" approach (seems laid back to me, but since women aren't often the ones to approach at all...) is at least one step in the right direction for YOU.
Anyway, you never know the reason someone says no. Most of the time, it's not because there's something WRONG with you. I know usually when I've turned guys down it's because I had an interest in someone else, it just wasn't something I wanted to bother with at the moment, or something else that had more to do with ME, and not something negative with them. It's not the most pride-inducing experience to be turned down, but I don't see it as personal.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PAS--
i understand what you are saying, but two points here: HOw am I to get to know someone better
if we dont spend time together? And, although I am sure that when I say, "I would like to get
to know you better, do you want to grab a beer sometime?" it is probably assumed that I mean
'Date' from the get go, when in fact, all I mean is what i said, that I would like to get
to know this person or that person. NOt sure how to rephrase that question......any
suggestions?
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can relate (kind of).
I was in quite a dry spell myself for a while until I discovered the sport of baseball.
Sadly I can't really say much more than what Loki has already said. Men are such puppets.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for Loki and for me. I've just read her reply and we are SO of one mind on this issue. Our comments are so similar.
<Does an imaginary High Five with Loki>
God, I'm sad.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And i totally understand that some men find it intimidating to be approached by a woman.
Fine. At the same time, I am not going to sit back and drop subtle clues (again, never have
been good at headgame type shit) and HOPE that they get the hint. That, to me, is a total
waste of time.
I dont know. I would think it would be refreshing for a man to be approached by a woman, that
it would give them insight into her character. "Gee, this woman asked ME out! How tremendously
mature and self-assured she is!" But then again, I have never understood the male psyche....
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One more thought.
Maybe you should get to know someone a bit better before expressing an interest in them. After all, how will you know if you like them or not until you spend time in their company.
So concentrate on making friends rather than finding dates. Widen your single male (if that's your bag) social circle as much as you can. Widen all your other social circles too. The more people you interact with, the better the chance that you'll meet someone you will click with.
And don't let them smell desperation. Buy your best friend (a dildo) and have a big grin on your face every day. Since all the boys have their right hands, why shouldn't us girls also have a right hand man?
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I live in Portland, OR.....
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first thing you have to understand is that men are simple creatures. It's so easy to manipulate and toy with them that people like me who have done it have left them scarred, suspicious, distrustful, and jaded.
I grew up, but when I was younger woo boy did I leave a path of destruction in my wake - sorry about that boys.
In short, you're being too honest with them. They like to THINK they're in charge. You have to make them think that asking you out is their idea.
Here's another thought, you intimidate them. Wait forget all that other stuff I wrote, I think I'm onto something here. See I've been a martial artist since I was a little kid. For some reason this freaks guys out. I would get one of two reactions. Either they would get all, "well no girl is going to kick my ass" or they would get this idea that I was going to get pissed off and hit them or something. Sam's initial reaction was, "that's cool, I played football. I kind of wish now that I'd done something that I could still do now that I'm out of school."
That one I kept. He did later admit that when he was in my room alone while I was off doing girly things in the bathroom, he got a good look at some trophies, certificates, and pictures and it kind of made him nervous but he got over it.
I'm afraid for you, this http://www.geocities.com/akathelorax/jumpswithscissors.html may be part of the issue. Not a big deal really, you just need a man who is secure enough not to be intimidated by strong women.
Just my take on it.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-09-17 15:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where do you live?
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe the men are a bit intimidated by you being so forward?
Perhaps you expressing your interest in them puts them off guard, makes them nervous?
Some men like to feel as though they are in control of the situation. That doesn't mean that you can't manipulate it so as to make them think they have done all the chasing.
It reminds me of a comedy I watched recently in Egypt (yes they had the Paramount channel).
It went something like this:
Mother - You've got to be careful of attractive, friendly, unscrupulous women. After all that was how I got your father. I used to be his receptionist you know.
Father - Excuse me dear, but you're wrong, it was me who asked you out. If you remember I was going to go on a date with Dolores my girlfriend at the time, but at the last minute she cancelled because she was sick. You took the message remember?
And then you turned up in the office wearing an evening dress because all your other clothes were in the laundry and they'd closed before you could pick them up. So since you were all dressed up and I had a spare ticket I asked you out, remember?
Mother - Yes dear, of course, that's how it happened <wry grin>.
Anyway, my opinion is: bollocks to pussyfooting around. If you like someone there should be no harm in being straightforward about it. Look at it this way, all the people who said "no" were the wrong person, if they couldn't handle the woman making the first move, if they couldn't handle all the bullshit being cut out.
I've asked men out in the past, some have said no, others have said yes. Bear in mind we're not talking big numbers here...but you should stick with the approach that you feel comfortable with. If you play games now, the real you would still come to the forefront later. Better to be yourself from the start.
Best of luck.
Hey, maybe you'll find someone here? Seems to be a few single Über-boys around.
;¬)
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got the same exact problem, just from the other end. I've crashed and burned so many times I've got scorch marks on my butt. It's not like I'm asking for a lot either. But for some reason, women just lie like rugs whenever I'm around. I'd love a woman to just come right out and say what she's thinking. Tell me 'No, I think you're a troll' if that's what you think. It's not going to savage my ego, and it's better than endless 'maybes', which is just frustrating.
Maybe my boss is right, and I should do a Mr. Hyde type thing and be a complete asshole, I don't know.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:( i feel bad for you.
if youre from chicago, let me know. we'll go dancing.
and no. i cant dance.
now ask me if that stops me from trying.
i'm lucky enough to be in a deep relationship. i couldnt have asked for a better partner. i share some of my happiest moments with this partner. for a picture, go here:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1057860501995918437
where are you from?
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JMG -
thanks for the offer.......I will let you know if I make it to the east coast.....
:-)
Indian Ocean.....shit, I was never good at head games. Not even in high school. Damn. Guess
I am screwed then.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to agree with IndianOcean. I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship, must my best friend is not. She is pretty, not beautiful but pretty and she goes out with plenty of guys, but the samething always happens. The worst part is, they don't even say no. They say "Yeah, that'd be great, I'll call you sometime this week." But the call never happens. She is depressed, sad and keeps asking what is wrong with me. What do I say?? Nothing....Nothing is wrong with her. What else is there to do? :(
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound nice. I'd go out to TGIFriday's with you. Of course, it would have to be platonic, as my girlfriend would shoot my face off if it were anything but, but TGIFriday's has some great Jack Daniel's chicken and it's a good place. If you're ever in the New York area, send me a post.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-09-17 15:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's not you.. it's the fuckin rest of the people.. they cann't handle you being straight up with them.. everyone is so fuckin in the head (like me) that everyone wants to play fuckin games.... it's about games... fuckin games..