I Like Monkeys (2271 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.33 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <xeno.at.nyc.rr.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-18 02:07:50 EDT
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition
by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at
a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food
in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer,
and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away
but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either.
I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-25 18:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like "re: 16 y/olds" - everyone must give it a tribute +2 at some time or other.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-05-25 16:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-18 08:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless that kid.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That took me a second, Rob, thanks for making me feel like a tard, or as I like to call it, "pulling a Perkman"
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think bubba is fucking retarded right now.
But he can have her when he's done.
ps: PLAGIARIZING IS EVIL AND YOUR SOUL WILL BURN.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What are you, fucking retarded?
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
whoops. forgot the rating
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
way to copy and paste an email first sent in like 1995
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this one.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG METHOD IS CHAD CHAMLEY
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember reading this aaaaages ago
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2007-11-28 12:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Five cents a piece? Isn't that what your mother charges for blow jobs?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-03 15:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY DO* PEOPLE KEEP REVIEWING THIS PIECE OF SHIT???
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-03 15:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY SO PEOPLE KEEP REVIEWING THIS PIECE OF SHIT???
Submitted by QuietObservation (user info) at 2006-10-03 15:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was one of the first things I ever read on Uber. Why the hell is it back now?
Submitted by kbs050 (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must admit I laughed a lot, hella funny! Actualy fuckin' helarious!
10c7c hmm azn, well now I know what azn is, great poem thingy.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No shit I didn't write it, it was my very first post, she-man
I said I didn't write it down in the reviews
Now everyone go away, nothing to see here
GO ON, SHOOOOO
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is hilarious. And also, you didn't write it.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta admit I farking laughed.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-23 00:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gay.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-13 02:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your first post was a copy and paste?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
___________________________
Thanks for making me laugh like an asshole in my engineering classroom.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the first method post I have ever looked at. I thought I'd see where he started.
It's meh.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 10:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart, would you consider unbanning Method?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-27 23:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't have the time to repeat my earlier escapade with your alter.
so i will only offer this feeble -2.
say hello to wife for me. and tell her, wednesday is fine.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-24 12:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old-school Method. Priceless.
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-12-03 18:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHHAHHAHA
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
It's the azn nigga fuck the rest
Dallas to New York jigga, we the best
Vietnam to Japan to Mongolia
Philippines to Taiwan to Cambodia
Korea, ah ah, hometown China
who you got, huh?
you got shit nigga, feel the size
it's the A-Z-N better recognize
got rice, bitch? got rice?
got food, got soup, got spice?
got brains like us? got skills like us?
got cars? got clothes? got girls like us?
wassup we the shit and we kill ya'll fools
we got money in the bank from our family jewels
can we help it if we raid and corrupt the schools?
it don't matter fuck the law shit we break the rules
we jack cars, pop games, yo we got the tools
flip it up, break it down then we shoot some pool,
you fuck with me, you fuck with all bitch, don't think it's cool
one on one fuck that it's three on one no duels
got rice bitch? got rice?
anything you can show that is nice?
got cash,got moves, got thoughts like us?
Fuck no, Hell you white you'll never be like us
Take off your shoes when you enter please
or Crawl around on the floor with your fucking knees
don't mind the smell you'll get used to it
moth balls, fried squid, and that buddha shit
what the hell is that you think i don't see
no forks in the house chops sticks only
have a taste don't be scared try the lemon tea
you don't want thats alright try the fuck on me
Got rice bitch, got rice?
Got luck anytime you roll the dice?
your luck is bad unless you run and hide,
coz we're thugs for life baby, Asian Pride...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-04 23:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the bestest post EVAR!!!!
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-26 07:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm...sorry. I... got swept up. You know... in the moment.
My humblest apologies.
(oh COME ON theres no way I'm giving you a 2 on this. Fag)
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-26 07:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHA! FAG!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-07-26 07:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Rip off
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-21 01:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by opposable_thumb (user info) at 2004-04-15 19:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking hell that was funny.
Submitted by Hauptmann <wcb82.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-07 22:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This... is... crap.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2003-10-07 22:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah I remeber reading this along time ago. great piece of literature if ive even seen one.
monkeys are cool because they fling doodie at eachother.
-BongZilla
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-10-07 22:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dogshit2000 (user info) at 2003-10-07 22:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2003-09-30 17:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite sure why, but I'm entertained.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-30 16:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little mind candy is always welcome...
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-09-24 23:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ditto. what he said
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2003-09-24 22:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit I can't stop laughing. I'm going to die, I can't breathe...
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-19 08:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/users/00/ceg/monkeys.html
A literary review.
Still don't know who wrote it though.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2003-09-19 08:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the funniest thing ive seen in years
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-09-18 14:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2003-09-18 12:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny. Too bad you didn't write it, eh?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2003-09-18 10:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-18 10:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing."
That cracked me up.
I'm totally bummed that you didn't write it though. If you had, I'da thrown you one. :-)
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-18 10:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either."
haaaaahahahaha
Submitted by Jamin (user info) at 2003-09-18 04:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing."
Hehehe
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2003-09-18 03:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worth reading again if youve seen it before, its old but timeless. I pee myself and slightly ejaculate every time I read it. Sorry i couldnt give credit to whoever wrote it, but i have no idea who it was. I found it in a Word document I made years ago in college.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-09-18 03:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
it's like a demented Jumanji
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-09-18 02:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of any words right now. I'm laughing too hard.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-09-18 02:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My friend has this story plastered to the wall in his toilet. Makes me laugh every time I read it.
Submitted by Cicciro (user info) at 2003-09-18 02:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This made me sneeze all over the place, damn you, damn you all!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-18 02:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen this before, but it's still pretty damn funny