I'm only good at a handful of things (776 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.21 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ryan Smith <rjt_84.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-21 15:36:35 EDT
I'm good at chess. Don't mean to brag, but when you sit down across from me, the odds are not in your favor; not even close. I spend anywhere between 4 and 5 hours everyother day over in the student union (school population just under 50,000) in the cafeteria with a board set up and a humble paper sign with "Welcoming all Challengers" and my win/lose record written in blue pen. Most of the time is spent reading, although a good portion is spent pretending to read while scanning the crowd for potential players.
People are easy to read. I can tell the difference between some frat douchebag and a 'player' from 100 yards away. So some idiots, not frat douchebags, just idiots, come and sit at my table the other day. First I play the bigger one, but his little rat-faced friend keeps talking, eventually I rudely ask "Am I playing you both?" (for those that play, you know there are some unwritten, unspoken rules of ettiquette...like people watching a game are supposed to be silent).
So i crush the bigger of these two idiots...10 or 11 moves and that was it, his gentleman was done for. And then his ratty looking, backwards hat wearing...the type of kid that sniggers instead of giggles, if that means anything to you...sits down at my table.
This game is going fine; he has the advantage of having taken one more of my pawns than i have his, but I have the advantage of position and intelligence. Suddenly, like some scene out of a bad action movie, the shit hits the fan and I make a move that's the chess equivalent of telling your girlfriend she's getting a bit chunky. Without getting into the overboring details, I move my queen, he moves his knight in position to attack her, and without thinking things through I move a pawn forward...with the aim of attacking a bishop, freeing my own bishop, and freeing my own knight. So after he took my Lady (and the little bastard sniggered about it, very rude) I felt like a frat boy trying to get laid...overagressive and just plain dumb.
So my record is now (again, not meaning to brag) some big number of wins and one loss. For the last few nights I've basically gotten drunk and told this story to everyone who would listen, as well as alot of people that weren't listening at all. Then I cap it off with "FUCK! Queen from queen's knight 3 the queen's bishop 2. FUCK!" and then once that energetic outburst has made its way out of my system, I mumble to myself, and to anyone listening, "Can't win em' all, but it shouldn't have been that one..."
That rat-faced sniggering bastard stole my thunder.
User Reviews
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2003-09-21 21:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a good chess player, and if you play on MSN gaming zone, my screen name is Sox104. However, your post is a bit boring and you are bragging. -1.
Submitted by MagnificentRyan (user info) at 2003-09-21 21:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For all you who called me a loser, thanks. I guess i could sit alone in my dorm and study, and be a real winner then. At least this way I'm out doing something I enjoy and typically I run into friends out there as well. So yea, if studying in a public place with a chess board out instead of alone in my shitty dorm room makes me a loser, than thats fine, I'll take that label.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-09-21 19:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can juggle too, I even do it correctly instead of using that throw under cheat move. Although now that I think about it, I haven't done it for a while so I should have a go at it to make sure that I'm not full of shit. It's got to be like riding a bike though, right?
Speaking of which, I got to pull this on Sam: We had to take the bikes in for a tune-up before we go to the beach this weekend. Because I won't get my hitch on my jeep until Friday, we had to ride the bikes down to the shop and walk home. It's about a mile so it's not a big deal. He has not used his bike in a long time, hence the need for expert work and not me a hack, screwing with the gears. I was pulling that cool little move where I kick off and then swing my leg over as the bike it taking off - like getting on a horse really, because I'm cool like that and he said, "it's been a long time since I've riden, I'm not sure if I remember how."
oh here it comes slow pitch right down the middle and...
"well Sam you know it's just like riding a bike in fact it actually is riding a bike"
oh hell yea I am sooo fucking funny
now admit it, wasn't this reply more entertaining than the post?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-09-21 19:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can juggle.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2003-09-21 19:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im not really good at anything.
Or, Im not good at really anything.
Im just a no good nothing.
Not good looking
Not good smelling
And Im stupid to boot.
Fuck the world. I cant even kill myself right. How hard is it to shoot myself in the head?
Its hard. Yes it is. Its harder than a really fucking hard thing.
Not like my penis either, because Im not good at getting a hard dick either.
+2 for being better than me at everything.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-09-21 18:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People who aren't good at chess might still want to play for fun. I've never won against my dad, but I still love playing with him. If I ever transfer to your school I may decide to lose to you and I'd hope you wouldn't concider me an idiot.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-09-21 17:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is one of them masturbating?
Well, I actually liked the story because you lost at the end,
but I couldn't help the masturbating comment with the 'handful' of things.
Submitted by Morpheus (user info) at 2003-09-21 16:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was a worthwhile story.
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2003-09-21 16:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd like to hear someone say that when drunk instead of the crap I usually hear.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2003-09-21 16:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The post was allright, I suppose (I play a little chess now and again), but you are just such a humoungous geek/nerd/loser/whatever that I can't really empathize with you.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-21 16:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus, what's wrong with bragging? If you can back it up, talk all the shite you want.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-09-21 16:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, the first half of this blew and surprised me that you were in college. (Must be one of the top 3 largest at 50,000)
But hey, I thought your geeky-pompous idea of setting up shop in the middle of student union cafeteria was rather amusing.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-21 16:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. I play chess all the time, but lose alot. Besides, this is the way that I am about my hobbies. You get all into them and tell people who don't care some big news and they look at you like you have three eyes or something.
On the technical side, it wasn't riddled with typos, didn't use any stupid acronyms, and was broken into paragraphs.
I hate people who snigger too.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2003-09-21 15:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Don't mean to brag,"
Yes you do.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-21 15:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I'm only good at a handful of things"...
and posting here isn't one of them fucker.
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-09-21 15:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd rather be an idiot frat boy then a geek like you.
Submitted by MagnificentRyan (user info) at 2003-09-21 15:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The first half of this blows, I should have editted more. But I like the second half. btw, I dont have any classes til' 1pm, so drinking a few nights in a row isnt a big deal.