I Take it Back (986 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.45 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kim t <kim_terceira.at.yaho.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-24 12:03:28 EDT
We met in May 2002 and immediately clicked the way best friends do. Feelings intensified over time, though a romantic relationship was never intended. By November we were a couple.
There were many good times. We were forever laughing. He made the darkest days bright and was there for me when I needed him. That did not change the fact that there were bad times too.
Sliced tires, Broken windshields, Burnt clothes and a lot of screaming.
All of this and alot more caused by one and only one evil. Insecurity.
Accusation after accusation. Crushed feelings and hurtful words---There is No trust and that will more than likely never change.
Tonight, I take it back.
I take my life back and embark on a road to freedom and hopefully can finally find the happiness in *myself* that I have been looking in all the wrong places for.
It's going to be difficult and may even get a little ugly but at this point there aren't any other options I am willing to explore.
This is it. I wont be able to forgive myself if I don't go through with it once and for all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-25 13:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO??
What happened Kim?
- reading your explaination below brought back a lot of old memories.
One word - one "hello" - one anything - can send somebody insecure into a jealous rage.
I find that when my current boyfriend even HINTS at beginning to question me, I clam up or sharply lash out with "don't EVEN", and make a mental note to not share any related thoughts with him in the future. It's really a shame when someone finds it necessary to try to make another person behave the way THEY want them to. I outright refuse (and I state it often) to become a victim of that kind of control ever again.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-09-25 13:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your defense is well said. His distrust is irrational.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-25 11:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane, thanks for your support. I like your writing and I respect what you have been through.
SpikeGoddess, you are great. I've read alot of your replies and you always make well informed and articulate responses. Thanks for taking the time to comment here. Everything everyone has said has been surprisingly encouraging.
Belle----You come across as the type that wouldn't put up with this kind of bullshit. You're one tough cookie and seem very intelligent. I am happy that things worked out for you sweetie.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-25 11:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Acarnis,
let me take a second to explain what you've quoted.
I shouldn't have used the word 'hide'. What I should have said is that there were things I just didn't bother telling him anymore. For example, if a co-worker told me a funny joke, I more than likely wouldn't tell it to him because he would get mad at the fact that a male told it to me. If my company is having one of their drunken outings I don't bother telling him because the times that we go, we get into arguments afterwards about the fact that so many males work with me. If an old friend emails me or calls (male or female) I do not tell him because anything out of the absolute norm freaks him out and makes him think crazy shit. I can't even tell him about cool/interesting things I read and see on Uber. (omg, I go on the internet at work during slow times, so I *must* be 'up to something')Every statement I made was analyzed and twisted into something he would look at negatively.
I went to work, went home to him and spent every second with him until I had to work again, that was the every day routine for the past 10 months. So, let me spell it out for you: The distrust was not caused by Any actions of mine, his distrust is caused by HIS insecurities.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-09-24 23:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"...and hide little things because I never know what will set off a jealousy induced rage."
That is one of the things that causes distrust in the first place.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-09-24 17:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just don't do a me and crumble.
Be strong - you know in your heart you're doing the right thing... and always remember, even if you do crumble and do the wrong thing - every second that passes is a chance to put that wrong right (and kick him out/rum off).
I managed to turn my mistake into a positive thing. I hope you get to do the same.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-24 17:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I Second what Loren said, please let us know what happened or atleast that you are ok.
Much love!!!
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-09-24 16:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm proud of you. I wish you all the strength and luck in the world and hope that this will end without incident.
God, I HATE abusive men. HATEHATEHATE
You don't deserve this. Nobody does.
But as others have said, BE SAFE! Maybe you can let a friend or two know where you'll be and what you're doing, so that they can call and check in on you. Or that if they haven't heard from you they'll know to come looking for you.
All my best,
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-24 16:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be strong girl.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-24 15:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M HERE!!!!
Kim, I expect you to post tomorrow and tell us what happened. If you don't, I'll either:
A. Worry he beat you senseless
B. Think you chickened out
So post regardless!
When I finally ended my seriously unhealthy relationship (the one I mentioned below) I grieved for a little while, but then I got my ass up, went out, and bought myself a "get well" leather jacket (biker style) and John Secada's single "I'm Free" (remember this was about 10 yrs. ago) and I sang along with it at the TOP of my lungs all the way home. I was SO fucking happy.
BTW - Whatever you do/however you handle it. Please be careful. One time when I broke up w/someone he went crazy and I ended up running down the street screaming for someone - anyone - to call 911 for me.
Good thing he was a fat bastard with a bad ankle, or I may not have been here now to spread around my wealth of wisdom :-) hahahaha
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-24 14:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't feel bad. I disappoint lots of women.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-24 14:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kimmy, in life or relationships, you have to take the bad with the good. To ignore it will cause damage. It needs to be confronted, as do all problems/fears. I think you are a really nice person with a big heart. Hopefully, you will learn from this and take any other obstacles head from now on. Hey, the bright side to this is, you are available to date me now. ;-p
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-24 14:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Plus I'm better at sarcastic comments than I am at actual empathy."
WTF, Quartermain---posting this here I was half expecting some sarcasm, laid on reeealllyyy thick. I'm almost disappointed. lol.
Loren!!!
WHERE ARE YOU LOREN!!!
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:42:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
stop fucking all his buddies and he wont get crazy jealous.
--------------------------------------------------------------
What I do in the backseat of my Lincoln is My concern bucko. :-)
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stop fucking all his buddies and he wont get crazy jealous.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**hopefully can finally find the happiness in *myself* that I have been looking in all the wrong places for.**
It's good that you've realised this. It's a cliche, but like most cliches, it's also true. If you're not happy with yourself, nobody else is going to make you happy.
I don't know if this is making sense, I'm kind of doped up on cold medicine and lack of sleep. Plus I'm better at sarcastic comments than I am at actual empathy.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha glasscpp, that was good.
thankya kind sir, I needed that!
Submitted by glasscpp (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...and here I thought this was going to be about how you dated ubersite!
Then I realized: "oh shit ubersite exists in the virtual world. It couldn't have physically 'Sliced tires, Broken windshields, Burnt clothes' however there is 'a lot of screaming' that goes on here."
kim,
didn't mean to rain on your parade, hope that little tid-bit made ya smile and that you're turning life around for the better.
Good luck.
cheers,
glasscpp
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was hoping to hear something from you SP.
To tell you the truth, I was happy. I always purged the bad memories and thought of the bright side. But it's finally gotten to me. I tried to act like it didn't bother me as much as it did but if I hold it in anymore I may explode in a fit of rage.
or something like that.
I may take you up on that offer. thanks for the kind words.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here I am. Just got back from lunch. Chix parm, looks good but I'd rather smell hot mackarel right now than eat it.
"Now I have seen the warnings, screaming from all sides
It's easy to ignore them and God knows I've tried
All this temptation, it turned my faith to lies
Until I couldn't see the danger or hear the rising tide"
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-09-24 13:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kimmy, I hope the best for you. I guess this is the guy you told me about. I am sorry to hear this all. i thought you guys were happy. If you need to chat about it, you can send me an email.
:-)
Much Love,
STREETPUNK
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Though the whole Lisa/oral thing sounds *quite* tempting (Lisa, you are a sexy sexy bitch), I haven't given up on men completely Yet.
Loren, that is how I feel. I've totally changed...lost my friends and have absolutely no life anymore. It's to the point where I avoid conversation with him and hide little things because I never know what will set off a jealousy induced rage.
There are way too many things I want to experience that I wont be able to with him.
I'm not looking for sympathy here but it felt good to write this out. It also gives me more motivation to leave. I don't want to come back on here, see this and be constantly reminded of failure.
4 more hours to go......
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The title of this post reminds me of a FANTASTIC Pink Floyd song from the "Division Bell" CD...
I make her prove her love to me
I take all that I can take
I push her to the limit
To see if she will break
She might take it back
She will take it back
some day...
Is that the inspiration?
Where are you Kim?
WHERE ARE YOU?
Answer ME!
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry lisa. kim if you wanna munch box with lisa go ahead. just at least let me watch.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hadooken, if I had a cock you would be blocking it.
Actually, there are few I loathe more than gays that are now batting switch due to a failed relationship with the opposite sex.
Good luck to you.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like me when I broke it off with one of my exes in my early 20's. I adored him, but he was increasingly jealous (jealous=insecure), and ended up becoming extremely violent w/me, and in the end, I got violent in defensiveness and outrage. I hated what he was turning me into.
It's a tough move, but a good one, lose him.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe she is gonna turn gay. DONT DO IT, I'll sleep with you.....
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-09-24 12:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you going to kill him then kill yourself? Post pictures.