Give Me A Pair Of Pumps And I'll Be Finished In Two Minutes (1228 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.11 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <lowsodiummonkey.at.monkey.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-26 15:31:00 EDT
Until today I thought I've heard it all. I work in an office complex where there are many different businesses in the same place. Well apparently there is a very peculiar character that works in another company that is located above our office. He's an elderly gentleman who ... how else do I say this ...
He has "Shoe" fetish.
Today the women at my work started telling the stories about the "shoe" guy. He regularly goes up to strange women and asks what kinds of shoes they wear. This all started because one of my new female coworkers was approached by him yesterday. Like me she wasn't aware of this freak.
She said that yesterday he approached her as she was getting into her car to leave work. This is what he said,
"Um, ah. I noticed that you wear a lot of high heels. My brother does shoe repair work. I was thinking that if you ever needed work done he could help you out. He charges about three bucks for simple repair work."
I know that guys are sick in the head (I'm one of them), but this is wacked. Give me three bucks so I can wack off in your shoes. What the fuck? I can understand being into having your woman wear heels during nookie, but this behavior is just out there.
UberLadies, what's the strangest thing a guy has approached you about?
User Reviews
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-09-29 00:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bargled-- Haha!
actually...
is it hot in here?
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-09-28 15:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have flat feet, no toe nails (from running), and a very crooked 'pinky' toe on my left foot.
Doesnt that get you off?
Submitted by senseiofmattitudev1 (user info) at 2003-09-27 04:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEHE.
Wow, all the interesting replies...
I don't have a foot "fetish" per se, but to be honest, it is one thing I look at... if a girl has really nasty, disgusting feet, it is a major turn-off. I don't go quite as far as Jason Alexander in Shallow Hal... "Her second toe is longer than her big toe... I hafta break it off"... but I notice if her nails are long and pointy and crusty, and have that green dirt under them... eww...
LSM, Nicely done.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-09-27 04:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I prefer barefoot to high-heeled. It doesn't have anything to do with a foot fetish, strangely.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-27 00:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Savage Love' is an 'advice' column written by the guy named Dan Savage. It runs in the 'alternative news' paper here in Minneapolis(also known as: Village Voice envy)and all around the country. It covers the weirdest damn things. Reading it is like seeing a really bad accident. You know you shouldn't stare, but you can't help yourself.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-27 00:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"'Savage Love' advice column" - Quarter
What are you talking about? And hurry up because I'm ready to pass out.
Who cares? Good night.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-09-26 23:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whats really scary is that that's probably LSM in the picture, thats why its cropped.
You want to see some weird-ass mental cases, read that 'Savage Love' advice column. I swear he makes half that stuff up.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 23:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just finished knocking boots with my wife about an hour ago (pun intended).
I hope that ends this post.
+2 for ............. her
I was good.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-09-26 22:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I worked at a drugstore till I was seventeen, and this old man would always come in just to buy pop (soda, whatever the fuck you people call it). He would wait until I wasn't busy to purchase it, and then he would stand at the counter and talk to me. He gave me a collector's coin every time he came in, and suggested that I let him photograph me for twenty dollars an hour. He said I was his best friend, and gave me a card with a $20 bill in it every holiday. He told me if I ever decided to quit to let him know where I was going to work next. Yeah. I quit. And I did not say goodbye.
Submitted by joulietta at 2003-09-26 22:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, I work as a telephone-operator for an escort-agency.
(It's not telephone sex, just placing dates with escorts)
So, believe me a fetish for shoes is quite a common thing.
I talk to weirdos every day and a shoe-fetishist is not the worst I've talked to..
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-09-26 18:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was dared to do this to a rather lovely girl who, thankfully, took pity on me and laughed about it.
I walked up to her, grabbed her shirt, licked it then said "Oh what a shame. Maybe you should come back to my house so we can get you out of those wet clothes."
Lame, but a dare is a dare.
And nope, she didn't come home with me!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-26 18:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Si si...t'is true! I'm not freakishly flexible, but I can do a split or two.
Righty-o I'm off for the weekend! Everyone have a good one!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nat-
You know the first thing that comes to MOST men's minds when they learn that a girl is a dancer right?
hehehe
FLEXABILITY!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maaaan oh man, Insane!
I've always thought those things were funny. I offered to send some to friends in Iraq and Afghanistan, but they refused...? heh
Back to the shoes- I've always wanted to try on some of those freaky boots that look like pointe shoes with a spike heel. The ones where you're literally on your toes. I don't know that I'd do anything with them besides try them on for curiosity, but those are wicked looking! I figure since I've danced in real pointe shoes, I could pull them off.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I might as well be married. I've been with the same guy for over 7 years... I really just wanted to make sure I wasn't going back and forth with someone 1/2 my age. That would have been a little sickening.
Sooner or later Loki will see this and she'll get you then. Better watch your back...lol
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I turn thirty in the not too distance future. Oct. 5th. Everyone here knows I'm messing around because I'm married.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1053023804370920028
And if Loki was present today she'd be busting on me right now.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You need not know his age, only know this : HE IS A STUDMUFFIN!
Nat-
Yeah, both of them are weird motherfuckers. Anti social to the extreme and real loners. Needless to say, they jumped when chances at real relationships (with real pussies haha) came along. One married another of our old friend's sisters at age 20 (she was 18) and the other lives with this girl that is at the intellectual and emotional level of a 13 year old. He's a genius and 24.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LSM...please tell me that does nothing for you.
Plus there is nothing special about my hands... I took my acrylics off a while a go and my nails are super short....
I looked thru a mot of your past posts....I can't figure out how old you are...please tell me...
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anjie -
You're right. This is getting boring.
Describe your hands.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ISn't it fun to watch how responses start and one end of the spectrum and end up at the other? It's amazing and entertaining all at the same time....
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks SpikeGodess,
I was way off on the phase, but I think I at least was close on the fetish formation process. Anyway I do appreciate the clarification. I haven't even looked at Freud since Surrealism class in college.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SOLD his pocket pussy? I'm speechless. The guy who bought it is worse!
haha..Anjie it WAS fun to watch!
Goddamnit, I better have a nice ass after all the shit I've done! Really, I guess it is my um..favorite part. Lots of other things I wish I could change, of course...
PMJ- Interesting. Scary that it almost makes sense in my head.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-09-26 17:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
P-man,
You're all confuzzled. It goes oral, anal, oedipal (sounds so damned dirty when I put it like that!). Freud is actually a load of crap and he made up data to support his theories. Here's one future psychotherapist who isn't afraid to say that all he was good for is starting the discipline of psychology so that others could come along and do good work.
As to the fetish thing, it's usually developed by classical conditioning. So in other words, sexual feelings occur at the same time as a person sees the object. The sexual feelings become associated with the object, and the person becomes conditioned to need the object to get off. This is a way simplified explaination, but I don't feel like rehashing the whole process, so if you need more info, google it.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, meant to give points.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish I could remember the terms and all from Freud concerning this subject. I know that in one of the stages of growth (I think the one after oral but it's not called visual... crap), when a boy first notices his mother as being of the opposite sex, the shoe fetish can form due to what the boy spends most of his time in proximity to. That is to say, that a boy who is young, and thus short spends much of his time seeing the legs and feet of his mother, and thus the fetish forms. Why it's so rare (I think I remember this correctly) is because the person would have to be sexually aware quite early to still be as exposed to the feet and be sexually aware.
Sorry, I'm behind on my terminology, but I think that gets the point of one possibility across.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dancer
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I kinda wanted to see what was gonna happen next, butt being a dencer I bet she does have a great ass...
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"That would have been fun to watch..."
I know. I bet she has a great ass.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Natophelia that is just too funny, your last story, that is. That would have been fun to watch...
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane -
Wow. I wonder how much I can get for mine.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LSM-
Oh they DON'T???
I had a friend (I swear on my mother this is true) who SOLD his USED pocket pussy to another friend for $10!
David explained it like this : "Well, I washed it out REALLY well!"
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is bad. Very bad.
Or good bad.
I don't know which.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've gotten the shoe thing. He kept asking me questions about what kind of shoes I liked and about my toes.
Had an old man (70's or 80's) tell me if my boyfriend didn't lick me good, he would.
Some nasty man in a gas station started petting my hair.
My favorite: I was at a deli leaning against the counter. There was a table behind me, and this man with the perfect height to have his head level with my ass was sitting there. As people would walk in the front door (people he didn't know) he'd say, "Well HELLOOOOOO, " while staring at my ass, his face maybe a foot from it. He was trying to make it look like he was saying hi to the people walking in so I wouldn't notice, at the same time pointing me out to the men as if they were going to join in with him. Yeah... He hadn't bothered to look up at my face so he never noticed I had my head turned and was staring at him. The first few men who came in gave him the 'winkwink nudgenudge' and stole a glance until they saw that I was looking at all of them. The whole line got fidgety, and a few guys started trying to talk to me ABOUT MY SANDWICH. My normal reaction would be to just tell the guy loudly to fuck off, but this was WAY too good, and watching all the others who were caught leering at my ass squirm was so funny! I had a look around and saw that everyone in the place was looking at me waiting to see what I would do. I never said a word. I just watched the whole game, gave an evil smile to the ones who tried to talk to me, got my sandwich, and walked out. It was so bizarre I couldn't help but be detached and see what would happen next.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LSM - Girls don't share either.....
I'm willing to help though...tell me all of your fetishes and I'll do my best...
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane -
Guys don't share jerk-off material. That's a female thing. This is where women have the advantage. They can exchange vibrators and dildos and only God knows what else. I can't imagine this:
"Hey, Bob. Would like to try my new blow up doll? I call her Helen"
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoes......i cant....WHY!?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Live to serve, huh?
LSM, lemme know when you're done with this one!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LSM - I live to serve. Let me know when you need another dose.... :)
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Loren-
um, GROSS!
hahahaha
I do not know why, but I have never been too keen on salad tossing
How did you respond to those men?
LSM- hahaha new whacking material.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anjie -
Thanks. I just finished.
Loren -
"An ex told me that if I allowed him to, he would follow me around 24 hours a day with his face jammed between my butt-cheeks"
That's called the Hind-Lick
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1064588586516911218#190042
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LSM - Now you know I can't do that. I have no reputation here (yet). I have posted a couple of things and many responses to people. But could you imagine if I became the feet girl??
But I'll tell you this...I have slender ankles, a medium arch and toes that gradually get smaller (ie. my second and 3rd toe are both smaller than my big toe) I have a tatoo of my sign on my right foot 2nd toe.. Does that do anything for you?? LOL
P.S. I also have red hair... :)
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-09-26 16:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't even begin to list them. Well, I guess I can...
Some of my favorite lines were from customers of mine when I bartended. (Go figure).
One let me know that he desperately wanted to "give me a cat bath."
A few asked if it would be too forward of them to let me know they would love to lick my ass.
An ex told me that if I allowed him to, he would follow me around 24 hours a day with his face jammed between my butt-cheeks.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-09-26 15:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anjie -
Can you post a picture of your feet? I need some new wacking material. MickGinny's not keeping up with his redhead pictures.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-26 15:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha
My brother is always talking about "Stiletos this, Stiletos that."
I hope he doesn't take it THAT far.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-09-26 15:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Too funny....
I had a guy kiss my ankle once. I was getting a pedicure and I thought he worke there. I was wrong. I felt kinda flattered that he chose me over others....I knew I had nice ankles. :)
Submitted by Jimmy23 (user info) at 2003-09-26 15:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe his brother actually does shoe repair? thats a distinct possibility. Other then that, shoe fetishes are wierd ass issues. I mean, i don't understand feet either, but the shoes? My shoes stink but some lady wants to sniff them, well no...Thats just no.