Squiggles the serial rapist. (873 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Michael Kelly <chainsawchimp.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-27 02:39:54 EDT
Howdy, for my first post I thought i'd relate a little story.
My backyard is a petting zoo.
Recently my Mum and Mothers boyfriend, Jim, have purchased a great deal of land in a farming community, it being a dream of Jims' to own some land and to have some cattle, sheep and all the lovely things that taste good with barbecue sauce.
Theyeve been to the place to fix it up a few times, naturally i loved the idea. Parents gone for long periods of time, giving my girlfriend and I plenty of time to..... err.. you get the picture.
Naturally life was great, parents gone, more time to study, see girlfriend, hang out with friends.
Then the animals came.
At first we had two pets, a cat by the name of Kate and a miniture fox terrier called Scuba Steve. I was content with two pets since they were easy to feed and they were low matinence, who cares, right ?.
Then out of pure compulsion my Mum decides, "Hey since we have land now we need more animals."
"Great idea" Jim says.
Insert Hayley and Shirley.
I come home from university one day and noticed an old rabbit hutch in the front yard of our house.
Slowly opening I find mum has decided to purchase a pair of ferrets.
YES, we now have a pair of stinky weasels.
Naturally these animals aren't known for their friendly nature and whenever I sit to use the computer i'm open to ferret bites and on the odd occaision have had a ferret claw its way up my leg.
At this point my mum has another cathartic realization.
"Hmmmm, maybe 4 pets isn't enough, hey Jim youre going to need a work dog at the new place right ?"
Sure great another dog, Scuba Steve will have company, and we wont feel so bad putting the little beggar outside at night... right ?
Insert Squiggles.
The owner of Squiggles gave us him for free to a good home.Squiggles is a big bulky white bull terrier, you know the kind, a junkyard dog style beast.I told the parents that he was free for a reason.
You see, before being a pet dog, Squiggles was used for mating.
We found out later that scuba had got much more attention then he wanted.
Scuba Steve is now Squiggles's peppered bitch.
From the day we got Squiggles Scuba Steve just sits there with a glazed over stare in his eyes, the look of defeat.
So now we have 2 ferrets, a cat, Squiggles the porn star serial rapist, and Scuba Steve, the burnt out, fearing for his virgin-ass fox terrier.
But no, it doesn't end there.
Being the cruel circus master my mother is, I woke up this morning to a new pet.
Insert Billy bob, or what I just call him, Goat.
Thats right, my mother and Jim just bought a goddamn goat.
Basically they were walking through the livestock markets (As you do on a brisk Saturday morning.) and saw kid billy bob.
Thankfully for Scuba Steve, squiggles has taken his focus off him and onto the poor damn goat, so now when I hear the terror cry of a goat being anally raped I have to tear outside and kick Squiggles off the damn goat.
The only solace I get out of all this is that one day billy bob is going to get bigger than squiggles, remember all the times he bent over to graze and Squiggles tried to "slip him a few inches", and Eviserate him in one swoop with his newly grown horns.
I swear my parents are trying to give me a hint and move out.
How was that for a first post ? :S
Ps. Thats a picture of Squiggles humping a chair he found at the new place. Charming I know.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-10-09 06:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That for a first post was fucking pukka.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-10-09 04:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Refreshing to see that it is possible for people to do their post without making readers groan.
This is better than most posts I read today.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-09-29 08:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA! Perfect for the first read of the monring.
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2003-09-28 11:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool beans,
lower picture size, don't mention its a first timer uber-post.
im so STUPID *smacks self in head in humourous manner*
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2003-09-28 00:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta give it a plus 2, but as has been mentioned, you don't have to say it is your first post. In fact never say that it is your first post. Unfortunately you won't be able to take this advice to heart.
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2003-09-27 15:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"How was that for a first post ? :S"
Good, and better because at least you'll never say that setence again.
Submitted by Sandrolina (user info) at 2003-09-27 14:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool first post.
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2003-09-27 13:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been +2 but for the size of the pic.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-09-27 11:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a great first post.
'My family and other animals'
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-09-27 10:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Little pussies taste great with hollandaise sauce.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-09-27 08:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have to give this a + 2 even with this stupid remark; How was that for a first post ? :S
Submitted by ras0ne (user info) at 2003-09-27 08:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha thats some funny shit.....
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2003-09-27 06:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah, sorry about that.
New camera, big res photos.
My bad.
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-09-27 03:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You kids and your gigantic pics. It fucked up the whole post.