How I stopped sleeping naked. (6274 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.95 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <majicalwalrus.at.charter.net> (View user info) at 2003-10-01 14:30:35 EDT
True Story:
I sleep in the nude.
Don't ask why I sleep in the nude, it just feels nice. Something about having my furry blanket caress my wang as I sleep that I like alot. And now I have an awesome fear about sleeping in the nude like I've never had before.
I was sick one day, very sick. I was aching and coughing and sneezing and whining and complaining to everyone within earshot, finally, after a phone call to my girlfriend, more whining and complaining I went off to bed. It took me a vast amount of time to finally sleep because the house was so bloody cold. But nonetheless I fell asleep in naked disorder as my blanket covered my rude bits and my left leg.
But you see, I'd gone to bed with two root beers and a glass of tea in my bladder. This wasn't smart. We'll call this mistake one.
I was rudely awakened by my screaming penis asking for relief before he wetted himself. I complied without putting a robe on or putting underoos on or in anyway covering myself. It was afterall, an emergency. Mistake number two we'll say.
I rushed in a disjointed trot to the bathroom downstairs, my legs aching and my back throbbing from my scoliosis. As I got to the door of the toilet room I noticed it was closed, locked, and inside there was a light. Damnable hell! My mother had also been striken with a fit of needing to pee at 4:45 at night. I decided not to wait on her to finish up, mistake three.
By this time my brain was fogging and my back was aching even more. I dashed to the upstairs bathroom to relieve my little brave warrior of his excess wastes. Mistake four within the past two minutes.
I opened the door upon reaching the bathroom and nearly peed myself because of the cold tile. "Stupid tile!" I insulted as I slammed the door, awaken my household. (I think we're up to five mistakes now.) I early leaned over the toilet and peed.. For a good long time. It felt wonderful. Despite the cold and aching, I felt great. I took my journey back to the steps and instead of leaving the stairway lights out like I usually do, I figured my luck was bad enough already, so I flipped the switch as to not fall all the way down. Big mistake.
Because my mother was awaken at my loud door slamming she decided to check it out. She was at the bottom of the stairs. So there we stood, facing each other, her in her nightie me in my manhood. I'm sure I don't need to remind you once more how cold my house was.
I've decided since this incident that my mind thinks very quickly, upon seeing her my mind had a converstaion with my body and although the facts are foggy it went something like this.
Mind(to self): Oh dang.
Mind: MOVE!
Body: Can't!
Mind: Mom!
Body: Can't!
Mind: Move you bloody fool!
Body: What?
Mind: You're wang is hanging out in front of your mother, now get that wee beastie covered!
Body: CRAP!
Mind: Yeah!
At this point I dove into the laudry room and grabbed a towel to cover my now shivering penis. It was, to say the least, not a good time for me.
Standing, clad in only a towel, body aching, after I had just been exposed to my mother. I nearly cried. But, what I lacked in penis I made up for in resolve. I marched down the stairs, wordless and crawled into bed. She brought me an instant breakfast and didn't speak. She then went to bed with all the lights out.
We haven't spoken since. True story, one that will undoubtablly be the topic of several therapy sessions.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2003-10-08 23:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
it shows the depth of penis size obsession that grips our world that such thoughts could occur when exposed to mum. if anything, i would have thought a cold and small penis would be the best kind to be seen by mum, rather than engorged and upright.
Submitted by Leslie at 2003-10-01 22:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm his girlfriend...if you know him...this story is funnier than it sounds, which is pretty dang funny...and...he makes his penis sound small...it's not...its big. REAL Big...:-D Gi-nor-mus...
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2003-10-01 22:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I sleep in the nude...and have since about 9 or 10. Comfort, man, comfort!
Submitted by MajicWalrus (user info) at 2003-10-01 20:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, I meant that she was awake DURING my door slamming...
Submitted by tumescent (user info) at 2003-10-01 19:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You say: "True Story"
You say: "My mother had also been striken with a fit of needing to pee at 4:45 at night"
You say: "Because my mother was awaken at my loud door slamming she decided to check it out"
What gives? Do you have 2 mothers?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-10-01 19:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Truer words will never spoken, turtle.
When I first got married, my husband and I lived with my mom because we were saving for a down payment on a house. We quickly learned that we should not have sex in the living room, no matter how long she said she'd be gone. It was bad, very very bad.
Another time, I was giving the hubby a blowjob when my mother barged into our room and asked where the map was. This was also very, very bad.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-10-01 19:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mom has seen you naked more times than your girlfriend.
She did bear you, birth you, feed you, bathe you...she has seen your wee lil wang.
She had sex with your father too...and he liked it.
I don't understand body shame amongst parents and children. They seen it. Hell they MADE IT.
-Turtle
Submitted by Alaina (user info) at 2003-10-01 18:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mind(to self): Oh dang.
Mind: MOVE!
Body: Can't!
Mind: Mom!
Body: Can't!
Mind: Move you bloody fool!
Body: What?
Mind: You're wang is hanging out in front of your mother, now get that wee beastie covered!
Body: CRAP!
Mind: Yeah!"
HAHA!!!! this is **priceless**!!!
Submitted by MickG Jr. at 2003-10-01 18:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its okay... my mommy touches my pee-pee all the time... then my dad does too.
MickG Jr.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-10-01 18:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-10-01 17:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My mom caught me masturbating once when I was younger. Now THAT was embarassing.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-10-01 16:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
reallybored - I love you too.... :)
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-10-01 16:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She gave birth to you, she knows what you look like naked. Get over it already.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-01 16:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"reallybored - I leave that in my night stand in a lock box.... it's cordless and purple."
A woman with a cordless purple gas-powered vibrator and a sense of humor...im in love!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-10-01 16:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
reallybored - I leave that in my night stand in a lock box.... it's cordless and purple.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-10-01 15:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-01 15:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...if by nightgown you mean gas-powered vibrator..."
Mind(to self): Oh dang.
Mind: MOVE!
Body: Can't!
Mind: Mom!
Body: Can't!
Mind: Move you bloody fool!
Body: What?
Mind: You're wang is hanging out in front of your mother, now get that wee beastie covered!
Body: CRAP!
Mind: Yeah!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAAHHAHA
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I, as well, live in SoCal, but I do sometimes sleep au naturale.
Don't worry about your mother seeing the size. Unless you are trying to bed her (ew!) or if your potential girlfriends gossip with your mom before going out with you (ew!).
You know who this story reminds me of? Jeff on Coupling (British version). Fans of the show will, I imagine, know what I mean.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny!
Your mother saw your cock? Big deal.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...if by nightgown you mean gas-powered vibrator....
wow i gotta stop reading bash.org
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to sleep in the nude, but living in So. Cal and the threat of Earthquakes I learned my lesson. I learned it during the Northridge quake in '94. I had a hard time finding a robe or anything because my room was trashed.
I now sleep in panties, with a night gown under my pillow, in case of *emergencies*.... :)
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo, my friend!
But don't stop sleeping naked. It's too glorious.
And never fear. Your Mom saw your weenie many a time when you were a baby. I'm sure she'll get over it much sooner than you will.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who sleeps naked at their parents house?! Honestly. Thats like the beginning of incest porn...
Or so iv been told...
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree, I live alone and sleep COMPLETELY NAKED.....By now you should have all developed a mental image and either be turned on.... or turned on!
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-01 14:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha! Your mom saw your wanker!
Wait till you move out to sleep nude, less chance of random people checking out your package.