My Neighbor Is Not Dead, But He May Be Batman (1479 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.7 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-10-05 15:41:53 EDT
Neighbors: Whether you live in an apartment or a house, a flat or an igloo, we all have neighbors. Growing up in my parents' house, we had a strange cast of neighbors. The one across the street was an attorney but the one next door was some wild eyed woman who lived half of the time in a run down house, and the rest of the time in a van. You know, the kind with the curtains and the ladder on the outside? Anyway, she was very frightening and was a physical manifestation seemingly of everything from America in the 1960s.
Then there was the webpage with the redneck neigbor on it.
I didn't really think about all that when I moved into my new apartment. However, I didn't stay blisfully apathetic for long.
I first saw my neighbor the night after I moved in. He was sitting up on his balcony, having a smoke while relaxing in his lawn chair. And that was it. A full three weeks passed and there was nothing. I walked up the stairs, and allowed myself a glance at his balcony. Nothing. The lawn chairs remained spookishly empty. The monthly apartment magazine and the coupon catalogues accumulated on his doorstep. It was like a Stephen King novel. Was my neighbor dead? Was there a rotting carcass decomposing just ten feet from my front door?
After three weeks, my theory was shattered.
I have a job that requires me to be at work at 6:45 every morning. Consequently, I leave my apartment at 6:30. One morning, I was just locking my door and leaving when a tall, shadowy figure trudged up the stairs. He passed me silently, laboriously climbed over the mountain of coupon booklets on his front porch, and collapsed inside his apartment.
I shrugged the matter off.
Two days later, I noticed something else. He had raked all of the booklets off his porch except for one: The monthly brochure circulated by the apartment staff.
Days went by, but still the brochure remained. Every morning, the same routine: the dark figure trudging up the stairs. All of the other booklets gone. The brochure remaining, growing bigger by the day, becoming a festering eyesore which I could no longer ignore.
A climax was nearing. I could feel it.
I woke up ten minutes early and planted an apartment brochure in front of my door. I was my locking my door at 6:30 when, as if on cue, the figure again made his slow ascent.
"Hey man, what's up?" I asked.
He grunted in response.
"Oh, look at this" I said, "The monthly brochure. Do you read yours?"
"No" he said unemphatically and retired to his apartment.
The whole thing occupied my mind - I couldn't concentrate on anything. What sort of sick, twisted individual didn't read the monthly brochure BUT left it on his steps?
That afternoon, I stepped things up a notch. I STOLE his brochure. That's right. Now let's see what the bastard does.
Next morning. 6:30. Same thing. This time, however, the shadow paused at his door.
"Did you move my brochure?" he said gloomily.
"Huh?" I said, rather startled.
"My brochure" he replied. "It was here, now it is gone. Where is it?"
"Well, I..." I stammered.
"JUST STAY AWAY FROM MY SHIT MAN!" he screamed.
"Well, why don't you read the damn thing and be done with it?" I replied.
"Look, I'm under a lot of pressure right now, so just leave me alone, ok?"
What kind of animal am I dealing with? Maybe he's a superhero. Maybe, maybe... ? Only time will tell.
User Reviews
Submitted by neomage (user info) at 2003-10-26 01:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not as good as the second one (http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1067114951835111753) which I red first, but it still made me laugh.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-26 01:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-06 10:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What happenes next...
anal sex?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-10-06 04:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better yet, put a spotlight (equipped with bat signal) directly outside his apartment. See how he responds when the signal goes on.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-05 22:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you should carve the bat-signal into his brochure. See if he flips out...
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-10-05 21:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least I can rely on the consistant hilarity brought on by Cats. That my friend, I thank you dearly for.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-05 21:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was Batman.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=104849241659202098
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-10-05 21:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065378545878925842
Submitted by GoingBlue (user info) at 2003-10-05 20:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-10-05 20:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for stealing a brochure and then actually being confronted about it.
Submitted by MajicWalrus (user info) at 2003-10-05 20:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet your neighbor isn't batman... I mean... Bruce Wayne is rich, he wouldn't live in an apartment.. I also bet you're about to start smelling your neighbor's boyfriends. It's time to leave about then.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-10-05 19:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post but I don't see where Batman comes into it.
Submitted by MaynardJK (user info) at 2003-10-05 19:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why wouldn't batman want you touching his brochure
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-10-05 17:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dot (user info) at 2003-10-05 17:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet its some OCD thing
Submitted by PuffInqAllDay (user info) at 2003-10-05 17:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe he's a hard working up all night computer technician, who while you're gone has his drug dealer drop off a gram of methamphadimine in the stack of pamphlets from the apartment, so he can spend all day doing speed. The lack of sleep would explain his grouchyness, and the fact that you might have found his "Stash" hints that there are something int he pamphlets that he doesn't want you to see.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...and one hearty belly laugh later, I gave him a +2.
Submitted by MaynardJK (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, Next time, put 5 bucks inside of his brochure, and the next day see if it is still there.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weirdo. I have a single mother with three boys age 10-16 on one side and another family that I have never really gotten to know. I met the father one day while going to get the mail and he commented on his monstrous bushed that are infringing on my property "Looks like I need to trim those." Ya think! I was kinda waiting to see if they would grow the remaining 15 feet to my house. Did he ever trim them? Nope, not in two years. So twice a year I trim the bastards on my side so they end up looking lopsided. I also throw random crap in his yard when I don't feel like walkint it to the dumpster. Bastard.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, we call my neighbor the pear lady cuz she has like eleventeen pear trees. when the pears drop all these bees start hanging around my house. i hate the pear lady
+1 for batman
+1 for rotting carcasses
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, yeah, it sounds like you're going to get your butt kicked.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this guy is going to kill you. i'd be scared.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bong,
Keep an eye out this week for "Quilt Show Fiasco", "The Capitalist Burger", and possibly "Trapped in the Mind of a Teenage Goth - Again"
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
perhaps he is a spy. or an alien.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-10-05 16:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats high quality entertainment.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-10-05 15:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.