UberPulp - The Case of the Low Sodium Monkey, Chapter 4 (941 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPulp
Rating: 1.77 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-06 16:23:17 EDT
Chapter 1: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062702524190111288
Chapter 2: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106279150872631075
Chapter 3 http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106331690370703821
"Followed? What do you..."
"Hush, Loren. Just walk behind me, and walk quickly."
I tried to keep my voice level, but I was worried. Gumshoes have eyes in the back of their heads. Or at least mutant gumshoes do. I just look over my shoulder a lot.
Anyway, for the past few minutes, every time I looked back I spotted a young punk with wild brown hair following us. Just to be sure, I had taken a wrong turn and circled around. So had he. In fact, I had seen him signaling discreetly with his hands. He had accomplices. If I had wanted to, I could have had a career busting cheaters in a casino.
"Now listen carefully. We're being followed by a pack of Cilfone's thugs. Someone must have spotted us in the club."
Loren looked worried. "Do you think they saw us with Mr. Brasher?"
Dames.
"Stanton can take care of himself. Remind me sometime when our lives aren't in danger to tell you what he did to Santa Claus."
"Santa? I..."
"Later. For now, we've got to walk to Wrigleyville. It's only a few blocks away."
"Wrigleyville?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna try and lose them in the crowds."
"Uh... Razor? It's October."
"Don't you pay attention? The Cubbies just beat the Braves! Half the city is out partying!"
Her voice grew sad. "I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't paying too much attention. I used to go to watch Cubs games from the rooftops all the time, but this crazy lesbian named Lisa wouldn't leave me alone and eventually I realized that I was going to have to stop going or get a divorce and switch sides."
Dames. As if the possibility that she swung both ways was more significant than the Cubs winning in the playoffs for the first time in 95 years. Of course, that didn't stop me from filing away a mental note for later once I had her in bed.
"People are less likely to try and kill you in a crowd, and hopefully we can give them the slip in the mayhem."
A few minutes later we were struggling through the crowd, dodging ecstatic fans, trying to gain some ground on our pursuers. We kept getting delayed by religious fanatics claiming that the events in Chicago were the first sign on the apocalypse.
Eventually we slipped through the crowd and ducked into a bar called Mullen's. We wormed our way to the back and slipped out the back door and into an alleyway behind it. We turned a corner and found ourselves in a dead end. The only things in the alley were a couple of empty boxes. The alleyway was lit by only a single light hanging overhead. Scrawled on the wall were the words http://www.tuesday.tk. Jesus, was there anywhere that guy didn't advertise?
"Razor, do you..."
"Shhhh!"
My ears strained to catch any sound. Sure enough, I heard the creak of the back door of the bar opening. We were trapped. I ducked behind some boxes.
"Here they come." I fumbled into my trenchcoat for my gun, and got ready to take aim when Loren grabbed my arm.
"Shoot the lights out!"
The dame was thinking quickly. They wouldn't be able to see us as well in the dark. I fired, and we were cloaked in darkness.
We heard them scuffling around in the alley.
"I think they went this way Chip."
My heart froze. Now I knew for sure who was following us. These were some of Cilfone's most expendable soldiers, but that didn't make them any less dangerous.
"Chip? Who's that?" Loren whispered.
"One of Cilfone's thugs." I whispered back, as quietly as possible. I had learned by now that this dame demanded explanations and she might say something stupid if I didn't satisfy her. "Cilfone recruits the toughest and most dangerous thugs from teenage gangs and sets them to work taking care of business. He's got all the toughest kids from Chicago working together... many of his best men have risen from their ranks. Chipolatte is their current leader. Kevin Valor, K.M., Kenneth West, and all their little friends are dangerous beyond anything you can understand. They may be young but they are as tough as only the street can make you. Now shut up if you want to live."
A bead of sweat rolled down the side of my face.
"Teenagers?" she said loudly. Her voice was petulant, angry.
"Shut up! Are you crazy?!?" I whispered fiercely.
"You've got me running from TEENAGERS?!?!?" Her voice went up a couple of decibels as she looked at me in disbelief.
"You don't understand. Damn it!"
"Chip! They're over here!" called a voice.
Moments later, they rounded the corner. Nine of them, and I only had five rounds left in my pea shooter.
I stood up to fire and was knocked over as Loren leapt forward to meet them.
"I FUCKIN' HATE TEENAGERS!"
What ensued next was something that would have made Wes Craven seriously consider a career in light comedy. If you ever have to see a woman grin in visceral delight as she rends the lower intestines of an already dead foe apart with her teeth, you will know what I went through. If you haven't, don't offer me your sympathy. You'll never understand.
All I can tell you is that it will haunt me until the end of my days.
When it was over, she turned to me, a feral light in her eyes. She was covered in blood from her head to her toe and an eyeball was dangling from her elbow. She took a step towards me. I took a step back. She looked at her hand and held it up to the faint light being cast by the moon.
"Shit. I broke a nail."
"A nail? You broke a nail? You just took out nine armed men barehanded, and all you can say is that you broke a nail?"
"They were teenagers," she said offhandedly, as if that explained away the whole thing. "Now let's get to Loki's Pleasure Palace before Cilfone sends someone serious after us."
Still reeling in amazement, I covered her in my trenchcoat to hide the blood and we made our way out into the windy streets.
User Reviews
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-01-18 19:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How gay.
A. I haven't been a teenager for two years.
B. Like Loren has ever even come close to besting me in an argument.
C. Like Loren has ever even come close to besting me in a battle of wit.
You make me hate jews, Razor.
Submitted by Kale at 2004-01-10 20:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried to keep my voice level, but I was worried. Gumshoes have eyes in the back of their heads. Or at least mutant gumshoes do. I just look over my shoulder a lot.
hahaha
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-10-15 08:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahahahaha
Rucking great!
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-10-12 20:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Astounding.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2003-10-11 17:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha! you're dead Lucky!
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-09 10:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"shoot the lights out"
Razor you are just full of Uber references. One would think you lived here or something.
Loved it. Great story. Good job.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-10-08 18:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The alleyway was lit by only a single light hanging overhead. Scrawled on the wall were the words http://www.tuesday.tk. Jesus, was there anywhere that guy didn't advertise? "
+2 for that bit of truth
I was planning last night to post on your "I didnt forget UberPulp I swear" post with a "yes you did" and you beat me to it. freakin weird man
Submitted by Neowar (user info) at 2003-10-08 18:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking moron... Jeremy_21117 < add this CUNT to MSN for a laugh... He's a fucking joke, loves to suck off horses in his spare time tho... I nailed his mother and sister last year at a garage sale...
Submitted by Yes at 2003-10-07 19:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
roxxors..... yeah.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-10-07 11:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-10-07 09:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just read it again.
The mutant gums hoes line made be laugh out loud again.
Gold.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-10-07 09:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I FUCKIN' HATE TEENAGERS!"
I kick ass!!
Fantastic. Just like BigMike, I laughed out loud at least 5 times.
You do tell that dame Loren to "shush" a lot though. ;)
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-07 00:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-10-06 23:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Groooooooovy.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-06 22:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-10-06 19:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud at least 4 times. Great job Razor. I'm scared wondering if I have a role in this. :)
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2003-10-06 19:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was wondering when I'd pop my brown head into this pulp series...tho my version would have me come back from the dead to kill Loren...
Mucho Entertaining Razor.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-10-06 19:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How ironic the only post I want to be in, is seemingly the only one i am NOT in. what the hell is going on with these people?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-10-06 18:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear, I could read this all day long. Awesome!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-10-06 18:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:48:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Took me long enough? I didn't realize I was getting paid to do this. The only reason I had the chance today is because my trainee called out sick.
***************
I didn't mean it that way.... It meant it in the way that I've been looking forward to it and it took forever to come out. Kinda like knowing you're going to Disneyland a month later, and having to wait. When it finally is time to go, it's like "It took long enough....."
I'm sorry if I came off rudely... I had just been looking forward to it.
Submitted by jeetkunetony (user info) at 2003-10-06 18:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, great stuff Razor.
When do they get to Jeetkunetony's Dojo? heh.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-10-06 18:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065378545878925842
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Gumshoes have eyes in the back of their heads. Or at least mutant gumshoes do. I just look over my shoulder a lot."
Well done, ol chap, well done!!
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gets better and better
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh. another chapter in the saga!!!!
fantastic stuff as usual Razor.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PAS -
Get me a grant and I will have a full length novel turned out in a few months. Seriously. I'm working on it in my spare time.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok monkey, just don't crap in your hand and throw it at me. I take it back.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can make a living doing this. Give up the day job.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-06 17:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loki -
The novel has my name in the title thus I knew it was going to be awesome. :P
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reference material:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1838878941872835
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
anyone else think that monkey rated this before he read it just to be first?
there's gonna be a quiz next time monkey
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep em coming.
Submitted by SoHipItHurts (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The old slang adds great effect.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Took me long enough? I didn't realize I was getting paid to do this. The only reason I had the chance today is because my trainee called out sick.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!!! took you long enough.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit. I have to go. I bookmarked this page and I'll be looking forward to reading it in the morning.
+2 just because you're I know you're consistant.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best one yet!!
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It took way to long for this chapter to come out. The anticipation was well worth it.
"If you ever have to see a woman grin in visceral delight as she rends the lower intestines of an already dead foe apart with her teeth, you will know what I went through. If you haven't, don't offer me your sympathy. You'll never understand."
Classic....
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-06 16:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME
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