Dating Tips that Will get you laid (1081 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.75 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Carl <cheeocks.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-07 15:24:52 EDT
In today's fast paced world of dating, there are important factors to remember. The little things are what count. I have been on a lot of dates in the past ten years and have learned important lessons. If you have the ability to follow these simple steps, you just may get laid.
Rule # 1- NEVER use your real name when luring a Hitch-hiker into the car.
I can't stress this enough guys! Lets say you pull up to a hitch hiker to offer her a ride. It's late and you offer to drop her off at her place. If you say, "Hi, I'm Dave", and your name is in fact Dave, what would happen if she happened to chew through the restraints and throw herself onto a busy street from the back of the van? She knows that your name is Dave. Jerome Horshack is a good name to use.
Rule # 2- ALWAYS chain your date to a radiator that works!!
When your "date" finds out that this isn't exactly an episode of "Blind Date" starring Roger Lodge, they're gonna fight something awful. If they are chained to a dead radiator what happens when their nut-strength helps them break the pipes loose from the unit? NO STEAM. You want that steam to teach them that prying incessantly at the radiator is a dating NO-No.
Rule # 3- Scope out local Bowling Alleys
Bowling alleys are a great place to pick up Women nobody will notice if they go missing. Just use a really catchy line like, "Hey Beautiful, I have a couple of "gamey" hams right in the back of my late model 1980's Van."
Rule # 4- Spend for the RIGHT Chloroform
Nothing sours a date like having your date's system overpower your cheap chloroform. Go to your local medical supply wharehouse and say something like, " Hello good sir. I'm looking for an excellent chloroform". If they ask what for, tell them it's definately not for abduction purposes.
Rule # 5- *GOLDEN RULE* Line your van with plastic sheeting in case your date spills a soda
I mean, cover the inside of the van with sheeting. It's cheap and easy to dispose of. If your date tips a can of coke over in the van, just dispose of the plastic in a construction site dumpster one state away from yours.
GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY DATING
User Reviews
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-10-10 17:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the morgue man you never get turned down.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-10 17:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-10 16:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GREAT FUCKING STUFF!!
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-08 10:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this again. It's even funnier the second time around.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-10-08 10:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-10-08 10:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have thought that the most sure fire way of getting laid on a date is to go on one with a prostitute (and take lots of money).
But still, whatever floats your boat.
Please can you post a pic so all the girls here know not to accept a date with you in future?
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-08 09:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-07 23:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2003-10-07 23:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'" Hello good sir. I'm looking for an excellent chloroform". If they ask what for, tell them it's definately not for abduction purposes. '"
Best line.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-10-07 21:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "Jerome Horshack" by itself. the rest could have been crap but that in itself deserves 2
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2003-10-07 21:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Reasonable. Point 2 brought a ghost of a smile to my lips.
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-07 19:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds like someone needs to get laid!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-07 19:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is hilarious.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2003-10-07 18:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeeeeaaa!!!
Submitted by prezuiwf (user info) at 2003-10-07 18:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great
Submitted by dot (user info) at 2003-10-07 16:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sjmanikt (user info) at 2003-10-07 16:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I begged for release.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-10-07 16:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"When I was single I just always used a roll of duct tape and a hammer."
Do you mean to tell me that this doesn't work anymore? Is this why I can't get a date? What happened to the good ol days?
Submitted by MajicWalrus (user info) at 2003-10-07 16:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the last one.. but you're a freak.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-07 15:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always get the girls drunk first - It was always a winner for me.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-07 15:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+ 2 because this was really, really funny
- 1 because this was really, really scary.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-07 15:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I was single I just always used a roll of duct tape and a hammer.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-10-07 15:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2003-10-07 15:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny stuff.