Trick-or-Treat Tips (652 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.51 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Carl <cheeocks.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-08 14:05:22 EDT
Haloween has been around for ages. Halloween traces its origins back to the Druids, a Celtic priestly class. They believed that the spirits of the dead would roam the earth at the turn of the new year on Nov. 1. The barrier between this world and the other was at its thinnest on this day. Druids would dress up and paint their faces to remove differences between the two worlds. Then they would feast. This is why we have TRICK OR TREATING.
Tip 1- Throw Apples/Toothbrushes into the yard of cutsie-pie dentists
"Hi! I'm a stupid dentist who opts for apples instead of candy!" Well guess what dentist-boy, I hope you didn't skimp on the lawn mower, becuase you are going to hit my apple with it. If you even THINK about handing out toothbrushes on HALLOWEEN, think about getting stabbed with the business end of that same brush. Kids, take a cue from fabled inmates across america who sharpen toothbrushes on the concrete floor. The front door can't be that far away from the driveway.
Tip 2- That Guy that lives by himself doesn't have good candy
If your in the mood for a solitary dove mint that has been in an ashtry since September, you're in luck! Guess what, that dude who lives in the rancher his parents bit it in isn't rushing out to grab popcorn balls. Chances are, Halloween is a perfect time for him to flip the fuck out because people "keep bothering him". If you ARE going to knock up on this guy's door, it's best to knock out power to the house first to calm him down...
Tip 3- Find out where the cigarttes are
If you're lucky enough to live in a nieghborhood "white trashy" enough to hand out cigarettes, you are a king among men. Granted, they may be a sub-par brand like GPC's or Hobo's choice, but smoking is smoking. IF you don't smoke kids, get with the program.
Tip 4- That "Scarecrow" sitting on the bench is a Dude
If you see a lonley light on a porch with a scarecrow on it, chances are it's you drunken neighbor. These guy kill a "sixer" of Pabst Blue Ribbon and throw some ratty jeans on with hay coming out of the legs and arms. It looks like Al Borland after barn duty. BE SAFE! Light the leg on fire only AFTER you have snuck up behind him.
Tip 5- Un-Manned Bowls of Candy are for FUCKING ASSHOLES
WAH! I don't like halloween so I'll put out a bowl of candy corn "loosies" on the deck. And the sign. OH THE SIGN! "Please take one"..... TAKE ONE! What are you a retard?! Thanks for the candy AND the basket, dummy. Follow this up by copping a squat on the porch and laying out like 8 linear feet of ungodly fecal rope.
Tip 6- Buy candy big enough to facilitate razors
Don't hand out smarties if your looking to conceal razor blades in your candy. This is just common sense here people! Bite size Snickers were made for razor-blades. They won't be "snickering" in the E.R with a belly packed chocked full o' chocolate-peanutty blood.
User Reviews
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2003-10-08 23:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
halloween owns.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2003-10-08 22:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My friends and I have a tradition of getting ungodly drunk and handing trick-or-treaters what ever the fuck we find in the fridge that we don't want or wont eat. We started this a few years ago, and damn is it a riot. We usually start off with ketchup/hot sauce packets. Throught he tricks is to save up a bunch and put them in a giant bowl and when you open the door take a huge handful and put them in the kids bags without letting them see exactly what you got, the kicker is they think they hit the fucking paydirt because they got a huge handfull of candy when its really a bunch of hot sauce, stupid fuckers. Next, because my friends parents are "those" people who put fucking dead batteries in the fridge, thus we move on to those next. "Here ya go little feller, here's a nice C battery! Happy Halloween!" A couple years ago we ran out of batteries, so we moved on to other things, I remember giving some little schmo a light bulb because we didn't have anything left. Yeah, were those guys, but it's fucking awesome. I highly recommend this tactic to those who have an excess of free condiments and piece of shit kids in your neighborhoods. Happy Halloween everyone!
-BongZilla
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2003-10-08 21:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"IF you don't smoke kids, get with the program."
amen...haha
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-10-08 21:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Follow this up by copping a squat on the porch and laying out like 8 linear feet of ungodly fecal rope."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAaaaa
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-08 21:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That "Scarecrow" sitting on the bench is a Dude"
no shit. we need to inform all americans about this.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2003-10-08 21:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Greatness all around. Especially the "get with the program" for kids.
I laughed pretty much through it all. HARDEE HAR HAR
Submitted by SoHipItHurts (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Carl you rock.
Submitted by McMeat (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Follow this up by copping a squat on the porch and laying out like 8 linear feet of ungodly fecal rope"
OH MY GOD!!!! FUNNIEST SENTENCE IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by WalkensGhost (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spike Goddess, you are the schizznit. Thanks for the +2's and I know I'm no expert on Halloween. If you do a halloween post, be sure and let me know.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another to cancel out my mistaken 0.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a huge witchy nerd. Meant to +2
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny, funny. But I must correct some of your Celtic stuff.
"Halloween traces its origins back to the Druids, a Celtic priestly class."
Samhain was celebrated by all Celts, not just the Druids.
"They believed that the spirits of the dead would roam the earth at the turn of the new year on Nov. 1. The barrier between this world and the other was at its thinnest on this day."
Close enough.
"Druids would dress up and paint their faces to remove differences between the two worlds."
There's no historical evidence for this.
"Then they would feast. This is why we have TRICK OR TREATING."
No, no, no.
I think I need to do a 'history of Halloween' post.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-10-08 16:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i leave out the "Please take one" basket and if there is a kid that hasnt dressed up or takes a shitload then i just jump out from behind a bush and start blasting him with paintballs.
great post
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why do people smoke? I mean really. Your addicted, alright. But why did you start? It tastes like shit, and the first time around makes you light headed. Woopee, lets go again!
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like blonds
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuckin white idoits... stupid..
Submitted by pimpbuster (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Reallybored- I shoot paintballs at people, and everything else. Join my army.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just beat the kids with a baseball bat. That usually discourages them.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I gave punk teenagers half eaten lambchops instead of candy because I hated them so.
Dropping the bone, meat, and fat combination into their bags was fun.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-08 15:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Adam Gresham <xadamcivilx.at.comcast.net> at 2003-10-08 15:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. I don't know why but when you said "Thanks for the candy AND the basket.." I busted out laughing. Good post
Submitted by WalkensGhost (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are all right! I totally forgot to mention those lame-o's that wear what they wore to school that day. "What are you suppossed to be?", you may ask. "Im myself..ha ha". This is no laughing matter and warrants a stiff shot to the teeth. Now you're you with a broken nose for halloween you
dirt-star.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He said fecal
heh heh
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the teenagers wearing regular clothes and a cheap ass mask.
Yeah, you get the lamest candy I have, whatever it may be this particular year.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooh man The Scarecrow! One got me so bad one time that from then on, I'd walk up to porches with scarecrows like someone trying to sneak up on a metal doorknob they KNOW is going to shock the shit out of them.
Submitted by athena (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too Funny
Submitted by OriginalNick (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"BE SAFE! Light the leg on fire only AFTER you have snuck up behind him."
Good advice. Reminds me of a camping story, but I'll save that for another time.
Don't worry reallybored. I do the same thing. Except with a slingshot... those guns can really hurt (that's my excuse for being a cheap bastard and not buying one). It's fun when the parents come and yell at you. What are they going to do; get up on your roof? I think not.
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how you start it our pretty seriously. And 8 linear feet? Jesus Christ, I can just imagine your plumbing bills!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Am i the only person who sits on their roof and shoots paintballs at people? Cmon, there gotta be more of us running around.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but you forgot about the fifteen year old mooch that's dressed cleverly as himself. I hate those bastards...I have the court ordered restraining order to prove it.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"8 linear feet of ungodly fecal rope"
That's the diamond.