Lizard pirate demons are after me ! (774 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.66 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Michael Kelly <chainsawchimp.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-09 04:17:53 EDT
Thats right, lizard pirate demons are thirsting for my blood.
I'm not sure if they were lizard demons first that made the life choice to become pirates, or if they were pirate demons who dress up like lizards, I believe because the pirate demons have furry fetishes.
Anyways i'm avoiding the main issue, and its that for the past few nights I have been receiving cell phone calls from something that sounds a hell of a lot like a demon speaking in tongues, mixed with a pirate going "ARRRRRRRg" and a little hissing done by the lizard part of it.
At approximately 1:30am this morning, like past nights I woke up to "Sarrrrlaggg refffuullll Reiptullll shssssssssss arrrrggggg TELAMU DESCALES!", or some other weird gibberish which sounds like that.
Most nights I usually just hang up because I prefer sleep over channeling with the demonic minions of hell but last night I decided to attempt to hold a conversation with whatever the hell has been hissing and 'arg'ing at me, like a hell bent constipation victim trying to squeeze a nugget out without blowing their ring-hole completely out.
Well this is pretty much how last nights conversation went:
Me: *waking up* uhhhhhh hello ?
Demonic Lizard pirate: "Descartes riptonian felllllishioun RISCIOLOUSOUS!!!"
M: 'what the fu....'
DLP: " ssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "
M: "hello ?"
DLP: "reslalation decourtes ghetto-bird ouiji board shhhhh argggggggg.."
M: "uhhhhh who is this ?"
DLP: "*insert something sounding like speaking in tongues mixed with a bad lisp*"
This went on for about 15 minutes, in this time I mocked it, asked it how the family and wife was doing, questioned it on space time physics, even asked it if it was enjoying the weather. He only responded in more demonic hissing and arg'ing. Some people can be so rude.
This left me today thinking about the demonic forces of hell and how they wish to take over the world.
Through our cell phones.
My theory is that demons are co-inciding with the mobile phone companies which we all have known to be evil from the word go with our exorbitant mobile phone charges and cut outs whenever we need to talk to someone about anything important. Once the demonic forces and mobile phone companies became one the mobile phone companies introduced 'free-time' late at night when supposedly no one needs the service, but this is done secretly because the demons are at theyre maximum power at this time.
Therefore the demonic pirate lizards call us up for free late at night, hiss weird subliminal signals into our minds, then being woken up late we get very little sleep, we are less productive, we lose our jobs, we join the forces of evil, its as simple as that.
Or it could just be some bored kid thinking it would be pretty funny to hiss in a demonic tongue into my mobile, either way.
I have far too much time on my hands don't I ?
Anyways I'll keep you all informed about how the progressing of the demonic armies go, and tell you about any new developements with the weird phone calls.
Oh, and theres me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2003-10-09 21:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hail to the king baby.
The only drugs im on are the ones that are supposed to make me better ;)
that being said the lizard pirate demons didnt call back last night, they mustve seen my post due to having control of everything requiring phones, though "damn hes onto us" and gave up, its a shame really....
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-10-09 18:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story... made me smile.
ok I did chuckle too.
Loki the only drug problem I have is being out.
-Turtle
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-09 13:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should challenge Bruce Campbell to a chin wrestling match.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-09 13:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beware the Slestak!
Submitted by can't say at 2003-10-09 11:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who cares about the story?! You're hot!! ;O) Well, it did make me laugh. but I stopped laughing so I didn't choke on my drool when I got to your pic. Post more pics! ;O)
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2003-10-09 10:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats a fine looking sugar jar you got there. And your post was pretty funny too
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-09 10:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**This left me today thinking about the demonic forces of hell and how they wish to take over the world.**
There was some nut screaming about this on the bus last night. It was a lot less funny when he did it, possibly because he packed about 5 people's worth of smell into one small old man.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-09 09:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
please tell me you have a drug problem
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-09 08:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You like Bizzaro Superman.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-09 08:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe they're French demons... Have you tried speaking French to them?
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-10-09 07:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess that makes the republicans the perfect born again christains. Wait a minute they already are!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2003-10-09 06:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure about furry fetish bit
rest made me laugh loudly - especially when you ask "uh, who is this?"
judging from your photo, you are in the employ of the demon/democrctatic forces of hell
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2003-10-09 04:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"This left me today thinking about the demonic forces of hell and how they wish to take over the world"
at first i thought that said "democratic forces of hell". works both ways i spose
let us know how the whole demon thing works out
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-10-09 04:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And this whole time I thought my aunty was a drunkard with a speech impediment.
Thanks for the heads up.