American Gladiators (722 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Frank White (View user info) at 2003-10-09 16:27:05 EDT
For Christmas one year, my Dad really went all out. He had always contemplated splurging on one of those massaging chairs from "The Sharper Image" and finally put his money where his mouth was. He bought the fattest chair ever.
This was the model that Charlie Sheen favored when pounding countless asian whores in his loft. It was a soft coffee tinged leather, on your right was the lever to raise the foot rest, and on your left was a fucking car stereo installed on the invert. There was one of those eyes things that Mrs. Howell used to wear on Gilligans Island to ensure rejuvinating sleep. This piece even came with a tape to go in the stereo. "Mystic Rainforest" was the tape, and you didn't even hear any chainsaws tearing through the dense jungle.
Everybody loved this chair. There were fights over the chair. Me vs. My sister and brother, Mom vs. me, etc. There was a "no farting" rule established regarding the chair. Worst rule EVER because this "relaxinator" would juice you for farts like coffe and a smoke. My Dad had said it was a family gift, but his ass never got out of the chair. Lost in a tranquil rainforest far away from work and kids, he would disappear.
Christmas had passed weeks before, and Dad and the chair were like Starsky and Hutch. Except Dad didn't fuck the chair when the cameras stopped rolling. He was sound asleep in the chair one night. Eye cover on, and slumped with his arm dangling tiredly off the radio side. That's when it all happened.
My Sister, who was about 11 at the time, retired to the basement hurriedly. When she emerged, I knew what was on her mind, SHE was holding a long feather from the menopause induced "craft area" of the basement. This was no , "Look Mommy! I found a feather" feather. This feather was not teeming with unknown masses of exotic bacteria. This was a feather that Thomas Jefferson would have slept with in fear that that bastard Ben Franklin would LIFT it. It was time to find a good spot.
I positioned myself just outside the room with the chair in it. By now I called it "Chairy". Dad still passed out, had no idea. The glass door to chairy's room creaked as my sister slowly cranked the handle around. She had to be very careful becuase there were no creaky doorknobs in the rainforest.
She crawled in on hand and knee, drew the feather like a beautiful weapon and steadied. The tip hovered inches below his nostril, cowering from the heavy nose breaths. Then it happened. My sister Nicki BURIED this feather into my Dad's nose so deep that his legs shot up OFF the chair, crashed down, and brought the leg-rest down. My sisters face was drenched in fear as she flailed wildly to escape. Now my Dad was up.
However, he had forgotten to remove the eye mask and smashed right into a bookshelf head on. Books rained down. This was FUCKING AWESOME. Unscathed, he turned realizing this was not the way out and swung both arms at my Sister. A 4 room chase ensued that ended brutally in her room with a beating like I have never seen. This was a beating that Joe Pesci would have been like, "Thats enough. THATS ENOUGH!".
My Father looked like an American Gladiator chasing a chicken in a pen that day. Most likely in that pen where they do the "Human Ball" rolling cage thing. COST OF THE CHAIR: $3800
SEEING MY DAD BEAT MY SISTER LIKE A WEATHERED INTRUDER: PRICELESS.
User Reviews
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-10 17:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-10 08:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful. pure art.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-10 08:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. You had me laughing for quite a while.
Submitted by turbo (user info) at 2003-10-10 05:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-10-09 23:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment Necessary
Submitted by glam_daddy (user info) at 2003-10-09 18:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alas there is hope....
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2003-10-09 17:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2003-10-09 17:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by GRiM_PeePeR (user info) at 2003-10-09 17:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sister+Beatdown-Boyfriend=Family Memories
Submitted by ratbastard (user info) at 2003-10-09 17:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Christmas had passed weeks before, and Dad and the chair were like Starsky and Hutch. Except Dad didn't fuck the chair when the cameras stopped rolling."
Hahahahahahahaha.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Post.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome! you had me laughing out loud!!!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny stuff.
Submitted by WalkensGhost (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lowsodium, yes fortunately these are 100% original and mine. I have the chair in MY room now. It's been years but it's still the bomb, but that super relaxing tape is lost and Tony Robbins, "Personal Power" is stuck in the FUCKING tape player. FUCK! Anyhow, I used the name Carl first as in Carl Spackler from Caddyshack, Bill Murray's character. Then I changed it. My real name IS Frank, but my last name is not White. I live just outside Philadelphia, nad Frank White is Chris Walken's name in King of New York. PHEW!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAH.
Great fucking post.
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
I hope these are your stories.
Why did you change your name?
Submitted by Apathesia (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well worded. AND you made me laugh on the phone with a customer. +2 for you, my friend.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-09 16:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile.