The 10 geekiest hobbies (2599 hits)
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Submitted by Turtle <trip_doubt.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-13 20:14:56 EDT
link to article and pictures:
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Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
The ten geekiest hobbies
By Seanbaby
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You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose, especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching. But enough about coin collecting. We've contacted renowned experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.
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10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk's hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn't loudly complaining about something, check carefully - you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you're finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto's hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it's going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie's version of Magneto's hat will make having sex with it even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
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9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren't enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It's really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you're on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren't exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there's still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, "A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name's Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single."
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.
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8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, "Are we having fun yet!" Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know these people because they're always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people's sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY'RE AN ATM!
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7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, "Shorshenblorg borshchortle!"
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn't mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won't, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn't like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I've been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, "Wouldn't it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?" went largely ignored by the sex community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
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6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren't enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner's Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don't have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, "I hate my parents and my classmates beat me." To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word "Blah!" at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you're struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it's all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don't mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I've found to make sure they're real vampires is to scream, "Skeletor!" and see if they cheer in agreement.
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5. Collectible Card Games
Public Humiliation: 96.8%
Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a grown man's face who's just been caught by someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.
Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become useless once these geeks discover that a woman's vagina contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that's one of those double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.
Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.
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4. Everquest
Public Humiliation: 70.1%
Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know you played it unless you told them. However, if you've ever known anyone that's played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.
Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one's inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and they're secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that's a good sign of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.
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3. Star Trek
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there's some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there's almost assuredly a third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.
Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
While it's true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it's either a Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it's your duty as a human to smash it.
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2. Furries/Plushies
Public Humiliation: 99.95%
Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their costume. If that's tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot's leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals. I'm sure you've heard of these people; they're the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.
Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets just can't say no. And as for the furries, they don't seem to be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they're ecstatic to find other people with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who's with me, how do you not [Censor's note: you really didn't want to read this part we cut] all the way into its chicken hole!?
Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know furries and plushies because they'll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.
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1. Live Action Role Playing
Public Humiliation: 100%
Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd's parent's worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it's like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.
Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom's basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and giant monster heads, it's impossible to know who might be LARPing. The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from their very fingertips, but by then... it's already too late.
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I didn't write it but I found it funny as hell and had to share.
-Turtle
User Reviews
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't give a flying fuck that you didn't write this.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pokemon card collector below
Submitted by natsthename (user info) at 2003-10-13 22:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What would be an acceptable hobby then? Beer pong? Porn collecting? Are those "cool" enough?
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-11-08 04:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
except for points 8, 6, 5, 4, and 2, this post carries the
"frankthebear geek seal of approval"
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-03-16 22:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one's inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring."
Exactly like a friend of mine. Scary, that is. "lol well im jenny hey cn i have that plz?? kk thank so much!!!11 hey ur cute"
He's almost gotten in trouble a couple of because guys living where he did wanted to meet him.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-03-16 22:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Err. This is stupid. My friends and I play Magic: the Gathering (a CCG *sighs* collectible card game) and we play RPGs. Also we are into anime (*sighs* japanese cartoons). Yet, somehow, hot chicks like us. I have no idea why. 'Course Gary and I are pretty hot. Hot nerd, who'd a thunk.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-02-22 20:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't remember, for the life of me, what I was looking for when I found this, but it's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by spacemonkey (user info) at 2003-10-14 13:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen this guy's stuff before. Amusing as always.
Submitted by rich v <badfirstcontact.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-10-14 12:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
according to this geek-test i have 375% sex loss .
anybody interrested in a spare dick ?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2003-10-14 12:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Submitted by Apathesia (user info) at 2003-10-14 12:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Clan: Malkavian
Nature: Nerd
Demeanor: Psycho Bad-ass
Disciplines:
Obfuscate:***
(spend one blood point to make invisible to women)
Celerity: **
(spend one blood point to run like a girl)
Dominiate: ****
(spend one blood point to try to get the only goth girl there to like you)
Submitted by Gillespie (user info) at 2003-10-14 12:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good Post. I am so glad to find I'm not on this list. However, I bet jazz and building computers would be somewhere on the extended list.
-J
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2003-10-14 12:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, shit, my little brother does almost all of these things.
Guess I'll have to put him out of my misery.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-10-14 09:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hah, that whole post describes most of my coworkers.
uh-oh, i'm guilty of one of those too..........
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-10-14 09:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
/cough 4 /cough
and anyway its not 100% i can always buy a hooker(when i remeber that is).
Submitted by Illicit_Joe (user info) at 2003-10-14 06:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guilty on 3 and 4, although I hate the original star trek, and I play a game similar to everquest.
Axe of Axing, AHAHAHA
Submitted by Lord_Of_The_Strings (user info) at 2003-10-14 04:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, one of my house mates is exactly like those descriptions
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-14 01:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've done 9 and I still do 10, although I'm not mental about it.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-10-14 00:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm into one of those..... Three guesses which one!
Submitted by Miggetymizac (user info) at 2003-10-14 00:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are two great ideas for new hobbies natsthename! Thanks! (cough cough loser)
Anyone who takes offense to this is angry because they know its so true...
I know some people that fit the descriptions to a T.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2003-10-13 23:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't know anyone actually did LARPing, and could the chicks that do it be that good looking? They had MAGIC the gathering meetings in my school at one of the big on campus food courts once a week, and I got stuck at study groups there a few times. Most of the people there were over 250 or under 100 lbs, the were a few normal people and even a few girls, but at best they were stunningly average. I am not shitting on anyones parade, I collect comic books, and at I have seen the dispoportionate number freaks it attracts.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-10-13 23:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funneee!
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2003-10-13 23:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
does Ubersite count as a "Live Action Role Playing"?
actually, forget that.
Submitted by natsthename (user info) at 2003-10-13 22:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What would be an acceptable hobby then? Beer pong? Porn collecting? Are those "cool" enough?
Submitted by UNconfused (user info) at 2003-10-13 22:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess some of this could be true. However, i'm often considered a geek and I do none of these things.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-13 22:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm talking about number one.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-13 21:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lisa, if you are insinuating that i am a star wars freak you are mistaken.
and nevermind that picture you drew of me having gay sex with ed while screaming out lines from episode 4: a new hope.
i just know things about star wars and i happen to find it cool (at least the original 3)
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DJMatt, you didn't read carefully enough.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would guess that most people on Ubersite are fairly lonely.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
guilty of 9 and 3
ah well.
good times!
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually I know quite a few LARPers, and they get heaps of sex, you knwo why, cause you'll find that 99.99% of women who do LARPing (and theres more than you'd think) are nymphos.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, i still thrive in my manlihood with my stamp collection, have fun being social reject virgin losers you pussies!
i'm so lonely....
Submitted by Spite (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What!? 100%! My sex life is not that bad!
Never mind, good post.
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny... i fit into a couple aswell
if they stack then you better opt for plushie aswell so it starts to even out
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-10-13 20:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames. "
HAHAHAHAHAH HOLY SHIT I KNOW THAT GUY!
nice find buddy, it had me laughing my ass all the way through. expecially since I am a couple of them. Do those sex life penalties stack?