Why Men Aren't Romantic (2766 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.46 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-10-18 16:19:39 EDT
Life is always full of surprises. It is the one thing we can always count on happening to us, day after day. Surprised?
I'll give you an example. The other day, I was browsing the Internet when I was surprised to see that Lifetime is making a movie with a MALE as the main character. It's true. I nearly fell out of my chair. Of course, I recovered some when I read that this said male was really a transvestite, but nevertheless it is a definite step forward for EALA (Extremist Anti- Lifetime Alliance).
I continued reading and then truly DID fall out of my chair. Lifetime IS planning on making a movie in the near future with a honest to goodness male as the main character. His name? Lance. It had to be Lance, didn't it? Once a virile male name derived from a medieval weapon, the name Lance has now lost all testicular credibility. Think hard for a moment: when was the last time there was a manly man named Lance? It was bad enough when "Lance" was the name of a Backstreet Boy, but this is the ultimate travesty. I speak with a certain degree of confidence that 'Lance' will never get laid again, except perhaps by the transvestite mentioned from the earlier Lifetime movie. That was after I fell out of my chair.
So now, armchair overturned and laying on the floor, it is my turn to surprise YOU. I, and I alone, know why men are not romantic. An arrogant claim, you say? Keep reading. I'll be the first to admit that most of it is because they know that if they are romantic and sweet and all that crap, they will receive the same fate as 'Lance'.
But that is not the full story. The rest of the story? One word, two syllables: Condoms. That's right. The condom is the single most romance flattening element there is.
I went and bought a pack of condoms recently. I went to Wal-Mart. I couldn't afford Trojans, so of course I had to get Sam's Choice condoms. I'm a cheap bastard, I know. So I'm standing there, looking at the condoms. And of course, it had to happen. A woman was stocking the shelf right next to them. Not just your average apathy-indulged 19 year old high school dropout Wal-Mart employee, oh no this was quite the opposite. This was the spectacled, 70 year old woman kind. You know, the type of woman who reminds you of a cross between the stern librarian and the harsh nun who checked the lengths of the girls' skirts in Sunday school, and if they weren't regulation length (To the ankles, that is) she would send the girl home with the cry of "No salvation for you this week, pagan!" ? That kind.
So I look at her. I look at the condoms. She looks at the condoms. She looks at me. And suddenly, I shrank. I'm 6'1. She's 4'4. But by some mystifying force, she managed to look down at me through her 3 inch thick spectacles (It was only later that I learned she was standing on a ladder).
"Can I.... help you?" She says icily.
"A p..p..p..pack of condoms please." I reply.
"Are you 18 or older?" She asked harshly.
"...Yes..." I mutter, my voice barely a whisper.
I take my condoms and I leave the hygiene area. I head to the cashier to 'check out'. Man, that woman was a bitch, I thought to myself.
Finally, it's my turn in line. I hand the cashier (this time it was the typical apathy indulged high school dropout Wal-Mart employee) my condoms.
"Will this be all?" the cashier asked.
It was then that something deep inside of me snapped. The moronically simplistic question triggered an explosion of rage. I growled. I bared my teeth. I crushed the box of condoms in my hand.
"No" I replied, barely seething the word through my tightly clenched teeth. "I dealt with Eleanor Roosevelt back there, picked up my box of condoms, and walked up here only to wait for you to ask with your idiot little mouth whether or not that will be all so I could pause in the middle of your aisle, brood for a moment, then say 'Oh, no, that won't be all, let me go back real quick' then go back, have another rousing talk with Roosevelt, then decide I need another embarassing body health product, maybe this time it will be a fucking enema.Would that make you happy?"
"Sir, we're required to ask that of all our customers."
"Well let me ask you this, you sniveling little moron, has there ever, EVER been a situation where you or Eleanor Roosevelt or any of your Wal-Mart cronies have politely asked, 'Will that be all?' and the customer REALLY said 'Oh wait, thanks for reminding me, I need some more cranberry juice for my bladder, I almost forgot' ? Has there?"
My monologue rising to a climax, I climbed on top of the register.
"Yes, I am buying condoms " I proclaimed loudly, waving the box around in the air wildly. "And yes, that will be ALL. There will be no enema, no Sam's Choice cranberry juice, and the only reason I will ever return to Wal-Mart is to rip the spectacles right off of Eleanor Roosevelt's face and slap her in the face with my used condoms. Aha!"
I then stormed out amidst a wide eyed, gasping crowd.
I departed through the automatic opening doors (Which were the only convenient thing about Wal-Mart) when I was confronted by a group of men in black suits. I was escorted forcefully to a black limo. In the limo was Sam Walton himself, founder, CEO, and tyrant dictator of Wal-Mart.
"So, I hear you have a problem with our cashier policies ?" he asked menacingly.
"Yes" I replied.
"Well, that is unfortunate" he said. "Leave the two of us alone, will you boys?" he directed to his Wal-Mart goons.
He then proceeded to sodomize me Kobe style and kicked me out into the parking lot. His last words to me were a gloating, "Will that be all?"
"Yes" I had faintly replied.
By the time I got home, I was too tired for romance. And the nightmarish image of Sam Walton sodomizing me repeatedly was more than enough to stifle any hopes I had of producing an erection for the rest of my life.
So you see, that is why men are not romantic. That, and also you can get a lot of condoms at Wal-Mart for 2.99. Surprised?
The upside however, is that least my name is not Lance.
User Reviews
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1.I didn't care for this, it was pointless and boring.
2.18 years old to buy condoms? Where the fuck do you live that they think only people 18 or over should be able to protect themselves from AIDS and pregnancy. I do realize this is fiction but still.
3.Stop shopping at Wal-Mart and they WILL go away. If it were not for cheap, idiotic, losers like you shopping at Wal-Mart you wouldn't have to worry about their shit employees or their fucked up policies. Wal-Mart is run by Satan and kept in business by fools. They come in to an area and destroy the local economy by offering goods at prices no one else can. Then, after the competing companies are put out of business, they hire their workers on and pay them low wages so they can't afford to shop anywhere but Wal-Mart. Once the workers realize they're getting fucked, Wal-Mart makes it impossible for them to unionize so they can continue to take advantage of their under-educated, poor, employees and their families.
STOP WAL-MART WHILE THERE IS STILL A CHANCE!
Submitted by onejupiter (user info) at 2004-10-24 19:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Isn't Sam Walton dead? Cuz he founded the first someting or other that evolved into Wal-mart is like the 50's. He should be dead.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-03-02 22:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you have to be 18 or over to buy prophylatics?
Submitted by x ta c <make7upyours2199.at.aol.com> at 2004-03-02 22:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it just me or do a lot of these stories center around WalMart?
Well good for you man, cause WalMart SUCKS! Screw you, WalMart! Screw you, Sam Walton!
Submitted by snaill (user info) at 2004-02-13 23:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hilarious! This story had me laughing uncontrollably. I have never been more amused in my life. Thanks.
Submitted by snaill (user info) at 2004-02-13 22:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hilarious! This story had me laughing uncontrollably. I have never been more abused in my life. Thanks.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-10-20 03:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He then proceeded to sodomize me Kobe style and kicked me out into the parking lot. His last words to me were a gloating, 'Will that be all?'
'Yes' I had faintly replied."
Ahahahahahaha... You should've replied "I'll just have to take my business elsewhere!" You may have lost your anal virginity, but don't let yourself lose your dignity, man.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-10-20 02:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How much does your sphincter cost now that its been branded "Sam's Choice"?
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2003-10-20 02:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2003-10-20 00:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i hate buying condoms too. they never have extra wide ones. i have only found one brand that suites my particulair size and they don't sell them here in korea...
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-20 00:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A dead guy gets laid more than I do.
Now that's surprising.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-19 12:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great!!
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-10-19 09:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
also: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=104557099043145960#9568
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-10-19 09:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
To the point:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=104579855093151617#10808
"If the choice is nice or nasty
if the choice is strong or dud
'drather be nasty bastard
drumming rythm with my pud
Why is that? what is the reason?
often you might women hear...
In your image you have made us
& it is yourself you fear "
Submitted by GoingBlue (user info) at 2003-10-19 09:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Lord, you are cat nip for the soul.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-10-19 09:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good job. I think you fooled them.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-10-19 05:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow some crazy shit happens to you cats, I hope you enjoyed the pounding.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-10-19 02:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd give you a +2, but you lose one point because there wasn't enough detail about the ass-rape.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-10-19 02:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn you, and youre upstaging ways!
always making me and my posts look second-rate. bastard.
keep it up.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-19 00:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-10-18 23:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being sodomized by a DEAD GUY.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-18 23:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch
*grabbing own butt*
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-18 21:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's because of posts like this that I pray to you every night before I go to bed.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-18 21:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom - sorry buddy, I beat you to the punch...(Shameless self-plug)
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1061786825371118634
___________________________________________________________________________
They always beat Tom. Tom is the slow one. Rabajargaboodelywoo!
That's my new favorite word. "Rabajargaboodelywoo".
-Rabajargaboodelywoo
Submitted by Not-so-random Joe at 2003-10-18 20:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2003-10-18 20:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You don't have to be 18 to buy condoms. That would defeat the purpose of them. (At least PART of the purpose.)
Good story though.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-18 20:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lifestyles is supposed to be coming out with a version of the Magnum XL. I believe it will have more girth than their largest condom but won't be that much longer, maybe a little shorter than the XL, not sure, but girth should be the same. How do I know this crap? I am a vast repository of useless knowledge.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-10-18 19:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did Walton use a condom?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-18 19:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate buying condoms because not every place you go to has Magnums.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-10-18 18:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely article...Made me want to go buy a 30 pack of XXL size condoms at Wal-Mart and wink at the little old lady at the door as I walked out.
Tom - sorry buddy, I beat you to the punch...(Shameless self-plug)
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1061786825371118634
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-18 18:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never a disappointment. The condoms and enema comment reminded me of this (a shameless self-plug):
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1046961905639924315
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Mindscape (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheh, simply amazing.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA Ha fucking ha
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, i DO apologise. I'm fucking tired. insomnia kinda does that to you. im not in the frame of mind to read stuff like this. by the way my name is seb charrot. its french. and i also forget to give you your well deserved +2. now i know there's no point to the story it's much funnier.
I also live in scotland, so suddenly susan wouldn't be on thank christ
seb
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Fucking Classic.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that right there is print out and hang on the wall material. classic.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-10-18 17:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, as usual.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, thanks for answering.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The point Seb Carrot, is that there is no point and you're apparently too dense to realize it. OR maybe you aren't but I'm too much of an asshole to admit it. Now, turn off your computer and go watch Suddenly Susan or whatever it is Uberusers with names like Seb Carrot do.
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try buying a pack of rubbers and ky jelly
I feel like a pimp when I do that shit
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats- it's stories like this that make you the best writer on Übersite. i don't know where you come up with this shit, but i love it and i can't get enough.
Submitted by Raimee <pirynne_18.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-10-18 16:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, somewhere in amongst all the sodomising and roosevelts, i lost track. why aren't men romantic??
seb
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As usual I'm more confused than ever. Thanks a lot ass hole.
+1 for saying you were going to slap the old lady with used condoms. That was priceless... well I guess it only cost $2.99
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sextime: Television for Men.
I will come out with that network one day.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And it's true!
-Tom
Submitted by wee at 2003-10-18 16:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weee 1st review?
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-10-18 16:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT, was fun to write.