I will ruin your shit (1614 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.43 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <transcend.ent> (View user info) at 2003-10-19 13:53:30 EDT
I don't know what it is about me, but whatever I do, wherever I go, I always seem to be ruining someone's day. The phrase I've heard used for this is 'ruining someone's shit,' and no matter what happens, that's what I do.
The following are a few examples of my shit ruining talent. I have ruined the shit of..
..TEENAGERS who seem to think that they're '91 Civic with a spoiler the size of a toilet is the greatest looking thing in the world. Case in point, I'm driving down Route 9 in New York on my normal commute home everyday. At the stop light, the car next to me is blasting music, and it's driven by this asshole-looking teenager. I recognize the music. It is Tool. Specifically, Tool's Undertow album. So, I one-up the bastard and pop in Tool's Opiate album and blast that right back at him. I drive along side of him for awhile then finally he gives up, his music and sound system can't compete, so he does the classic middle-finger salute. Again, I one-up him with the two-handed middle finger. Keep in mind that neither of my hands are on the steering wheel during this time, but the road is straight, and my car's alignment is good. The kid tries to do the same. Unfortunately for him, his alignment isn't so good. With no hands on the wheel and him staring left at me, he begins gently drifting to the right. He also doesn't realize the lane he is in has just become the exit ramp to get off Route 9. I begin laughing as I can already see what's about to happen. Teenager looks back at the road, overcorrects to the left too hard, and smashes into the guard rail. His shit: ruined.
..OLD PEOPLE who shouldn't be let out of the nursing home/mental asylum (let's face it, those on the outside know that they're one and the same). Similar story in that it's again in the car, on Route 9. I'm doing maybe 65, and an old geezer is doing the same in the lane to my left. All of a sudden, however, he begins pounding on his horn and rolls down his passenger side window. I ignore him as best as I can, but we come to a light. I roll down my window just long enough to catch the following: "..and that's why you're the reason gas is four dollars a gallon." Why an old man is screaming this at me, I don't know. But I do know that, as Lewis Black once said, there are some things that just shouldn't be heard. Because once you hear them, they stay in your brain and just gnaw away at it. They make no sense, and just trying to comprehend them will eventually cause your brain to implode, or melt, depending on the phase of the moon. What the geezer said was one of them. How could I be the cause of gas prices rising? No clue. Has gas EVER been even CLOSE to $4 a gallon? Hell no. And what possibly could've preceded such a statement, that would justify what this old bastard was saying? Needless to say, when the light turned green I slammed my foot onto the accelerator and got it up to about 80 to get the hell away from this guy. But he kept pace. And he wasn't giving the road his full attention. I was, and I braked. Because there was a cop standing there, just waiting for assholes to speed. So, my youth-challenged friend received numerous tickets for his driving. His shit: ruined.
..SMALL ASIAN CHILDREN with parents who let them do as they please. I'm standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts just waiting to get my usual over-priced medium coffee one Saturday morning. In front of me is a quaint Asian family, I don't know what country, nor do I care, as it doesn't relate to this story at all. They don't speak much English, as they're talking to each other in their native language. Their son, maybe 6, turns around and smiles at me. I'm not a complete asshole, and I have a way with children, so I smile back. That's when the mother turns around. I must look like happy grinning pedophile to her, because she suddenly screams something, everyone in the store begins looking at me, and her son advances. Not knowing what to expect, I foolishly don't move out of the way. WHAP! The kid's leg comes flying up and nails me in the inner thigh, it's clear he was going for my balls. Luckily for me, I have thighs of steel, and they absorb 99% of the damage, and my balls go by relatively unscatched. Unluckily for the little puke, he doesn't have a face of steel, as I reach out and smack him hard. Maybe a little too hard. He does a 720 and just falls the floor. Everyone is just staring at me. I walk out of the store and make my way to the car. As I'm leaving I hear the boy begin to cry. His shit: ruined.
I have many more instances where people have unwittingly had their shit ruined. But before I conclude this post, which is pretty long as it is, know this: I never asked for this curse. It's not my fault these people have the really bad luck of being in these situations and being with me at the same time
User Reviews
Submitted by LUE (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-09-08 21:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll see you in a week, my friend.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-06-19 13:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For the uber-record: Tom -2'd this because I -2'd his post "Hooker Math" which borrowed some major ideas from the movie Zoolander.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-06-17 20:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG THE TITLE LOOKS A LOTS LIKE MASDDDOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
Submitted by Sicgrrl (user info) at 2004-05-16 23:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't know what it is about me, but whatever I say, I always seem to be ruining someone's day".
x ruin it, ruin them, ruin yrself then ruin me. x
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-16 23:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have drop kicked the little kid into the mother, then while she is doubled over, body slam her. Then stolen her money. Right?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-12 02:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have to say...yes a +2.
Submitted by heatherm (user info) at 2003-10-29 18:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The kid deserved a nice slap.. whether it be from you or his shitty parents.
I second what hidden says.. slap the shitty parent who doesn't discipline his bitch ass little kid, next time.
I fucking hate bitch ass kids.
My little cousin kicked me in the shin like 4 times.. my leg hurt for 3 days.
Then he bit me.. I yanked him by his hair and threw him in the house.
I wanted to hurt him bad, though.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-10-29 18:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2003-10-29 18:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty sweet mate! By the way, have you ever visited a site by a man named Maddox? He likes pirates and has a post entitled "I will kick your ass." You two would get along well.
Badass.
Submitted by Yes at 2003-10-22 18:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, rockout with your cock out!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-22 15:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-20 20:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad many people enjoyed it. It's encouraging that my first real post was so well received. Now the tricky thing is maintaining this for the following posts.
And, thanks Hidden, for sticking up for me when I wasn't around.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2003-10-20 13:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
More kids should be slapped.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-10-20 13:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Classic
Submitted by Miggetymizac (user info) at 2003-10-20 13:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The geezer story is the best. They think that because they were alive when life sucked that ours should too. Bullshit.
Submitted by mmmrice (user info) at 2003-10-19 22:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 but -1 for assaulting someone, no matter the age.
Submitted by me <a.at.a.a> at 2003-10-19 22:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-10-19 21:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Gas was $4.00 per gallon at several gas stations in California and Nevada when I was on my Vegas excursion in late July/early August. Luckily, I wasn't paying for it.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-19 21:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-19 20:51:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm saying if you had hit my kid regardless of if he had kicked your balls or not I would have taken one of those dunkin doughnuts chairs and broke it across your back. If the steel chair didn't paralyze you I would have tried it again. All in all your lucky there weren't any cops at the doughnut shop.
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so you're saying that if your kid kicked someone, the little bastard doesn't deserve to be slapped? if your kid kicks someone in the first place, that just shows what a shitty parent you are and you as the parent should be slapped instead.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2003-10-19 21:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH MAN! RUIN SOME MORE SHIT! YEAH!
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-10-19 21:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants with delight.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-10-19 21:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the kid doing a 720.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-19 20:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm saying if you had hit my kid regardless of if he had kicked your balls or not I would have taken one of those dunkin doughnuts chairs and broke it across your back. If the steel chair didn't paralyze you I would have tried it again. All in all your lucky there weren't any cops at the doughnut shop.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-19 19:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think what we've all learned today is that I ~will~, in fact, ruin your shit, regardless of age. Be it children to the elderly, no one's shit is safe.
And I think his kick was supposed to be karate-like. If it was, his form was terrible. I got a black belt in Tang Sou Do, and that kick was half-assed at best (and I started Tang Sou Do when I was five, so I'm not just saying it was bad because he was little, it was genuinely poor kicking).
And maybe I will post some more shit-ruining experiences. Already a few have come to mind that are post-worthy. So, rest assured, I'll keep you amused with more stories. But not for awhile. Maybe in another two posts or so. The only reason I made this post was to justify my horrid picture post from yesterday.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-19 19:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hitting Asian children is funny.
You're lucky he didn't use karate on you.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-10-19 18:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. i liked this. hidden, why dont you write about ruining people's shit? and link it here or something, or on one of my posts...or something. same for you transcend. write more
again, i liked this
seb
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-19 18:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rock on
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-19 18:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1066493582831532485
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-10-19 17:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, hidden. You just described perfectly exactly how I feel most of my life. I was destined for Uber. Maybe here will I find some sanity.
Or not.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kids need to be slapped once in a while.
and that idiot doesnt deserve to listen to Tool.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't go looking for it, either. the dumbest shit happens to me all the time, and i just have to start ruining shit like crazy. everyone i know wonders how all of this stuff happens to me, but i keep telling them that i'm like a black hole in the center of the universe of idiocy. it all gets sucked towards me. or my body is magnetized by idiocy. i don't know.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad someone agrees with me.
And, hidden, I think we've all ruined alot of a shit. I just happen to not go around looking to do it.
On another note, I'm glad the phrase 'ruining shit' has picked up. It's a great phrase, one I personally value as much as 'licking a bums ass.'
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmhmmhmmhahahahMMMhahah hmm haha ha ha... hmm...
MWUUUUHAHAHAHAHAH HAH AHH HAHAAHAA HOOOOOhahaha....
hmmmm... heh.
YellowDragon
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
man, i have so many stories of people's shit i've ruined, it's crazy. i could write a fucking book. i mean, i've ruined some serious shit.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All hits to someone's balls must be punished. End of story. No more.
When I was about six I thought it would be funny to punch my dad in the junk. It wasn't.
I got my little ass spanked so hard it hurt for a day. DO I think back and say, "Wow, my
dad was an ass for spanking me that hard.", no, rather I think back on it and say, "Wow,
my dad had every damn right to do that to me for what I did to him."
Yup. You ruin people's shit that seem to deserve it. Good for you.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
those were great.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-19 15:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if a girl slaps me, i'm gonna slap her back. i don't take no shit from anyone.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you missed the point. The situations you outlined didn't involve my balls. Someone hits me, that's one thing. Someone hits my balls, all bets are off.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes where does it stop indeed. If a girl hits slaps you after you say something stupid do you punch her in the face? If your grandmother were to hit you with a cane would you proceed to drop a boot up her ass? Yes indeed where does it stop.
Submitted by Snipa (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good game
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gas is about 4 dollars in Europe, and its by the litre (or so my grandma tells me, but she's old and doesnt know what the fuck she's talking about).
oh well.
good post.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this would have been funny if i had not known what you look like.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gas was close to, or exceeded, four dollars on sept 11, 2001.
-Tom remembers
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:05:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for slapping a little kid. What the hell is wrong with you?
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What the hell is wrong with YOU?? If I let myself have my nuts hit by little children where does it end? Can his mother nail me in the crotch? Can his father? Can the cashier making my coffee hand it to me, jump over the counter, and knee me the balls?
And why weren't his parents preventing him from doing something like that??
But I wasn't thinking. It was just a knee-jerk reaction.
Submitted by Gillespie (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid totally deserved it.
-J
Submitted by SoHipItHurts (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All kids need to be slapped. Asian one's are just funnier to slap. Try it sometime, very liberating.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for slapping a little kid. What the hell is wrong with you?
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-10-19 14:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad.
Submitted by SoHipItHurts (user info) at 2003-10-19 13:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for slapping an Asian kid.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-19 13:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 because before I read it I was giggling like a school-girl.
-2 because I didn't take the time to actually read the post.
-Tom because I...oh wait, that's my name.