Comeuppance: Word for the day. (837 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.95 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GoingBlue (View user info) at 2003-10-22 07:19:20 EDT
Everyone who knows me knows that I am openly bi and not homophobic. But I do hate dick heads, and this story is about a dick head. And bonus points for it being true.
I have this "friend" and by "friend" I mean "person who my friends are friends with and ergo force me to associate with this mother fucker, although I would happily watch his head fall off". This guy is as gay as Christmas, however likes to tell people he's straight. Shit I hate it when that happens. Closet. Out. The end.
It gets worse, I assure you.
He's flouncy, bouncy and bitchy. He flicks his hair. I am quietly confident he ovulates as he can be a thorough cow at regular periods. These times are normally the full moon, however using the word "normally" with regards to this fuck is distorting the fabric of truth, and we know that fabric is Spandex.
One time on a Summer's day he was perspiring and as a drop of perspiration slid down his pock marked face, he traced the trail with his middle finger, put his finger in his mouth and, with a succinct action, sucked it off and winked at me. As I was vomiting, he offered to hold my hair. I don't have long hair.
Another time at the beach, a beautiful girl (about 18 years of age) walked past in this whole "Girl from Ipanema" moment - his comment? "Bitch has thin ankles". Clearly someone failed biology.
I hope I am not hogging the hate.
Over the past month, Queer Eye for a Straight Guy has been airing on the free-to-air channels in Australia, having sucked the last drop of financial reward from cable.
"Friend" now thinks he is one of the Fab Five and minces around like he is paid to save Straighty 180's and bring them into the wonderful world of rimming and tanning salons.
Fuck, it is so annoying I can hardly express myself. As with car wrecks, it's gruesome, sickening and oddly compelling to watch.
We were at a large, diverse rock bar on Saturday. Although I have not been well, suffering from a bad cold, like many people in Melbourne, I don't feel precious, special or unique. Actually there were enough coughing people at one point to make it sound like one of those songs where the dogs bark in tune. Swell. Most people were there to watch the rugby and drink their way through it.
Everyone was drinking their favorite booze, it was a beautiful day. My poison was cough medicine and I was buzzin' like a bumble bee in Amsterdam. "Friend" decides to do a QAFTSG makeover on a biker. Fantastic.
With a swoosh, twirl and flollop, Ms Thang goes over and starts his routine, peppered with "don't worry, I am straight" but the members of the Hell's Angels thought otherwise. One touch to a shaved, tattooed head and ***KAPOWIE***, girl tastes fist, then concrete. Fuck Kill Bill, this was the most violent thing I have seen since drunken German men "slap dancing" at Oktoberfest in Munich.
Joy.
I laughed, I cried, I coughed. I laughed again.
I know I have said this before, but truly, there was a Black Eye for the White Gay.
User Reviews
Submitted by GoingBlue (user info) at 2003-10-23 12:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
his eye is terribly black. ha
Submitted by GoingBlue (user info) at 2003-10-22 23:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hee hee... thanks.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-10-22 22:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KICK HIS ASS SEABASS!
Submitted by hopex (user info) at 2003-10-22 22:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the use of the word 'comeuppance'. I love that word!
+1 for making me laugh...a lot.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-10-22 21:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comeuppance indeed.
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaahaha
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2003-10-22 15:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
quack
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loki, have you been listening to the Avenue Q soundtrack?
Submitted by Petruchio (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read! More I say, More!
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick ass. I think we would get along well.
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"With a swoosh, twirl and flollop, Ms Thang goes over and starts his routine, peppered with "don't worry, I am straight" but the members of the Hell's Angels thought otherwise. One touch to a shaved, tattooed head and ***KAPOWIE***, girl tastes fist, then concrete. Fuck Kill Bill, this was the most violent thing I have seen since drunken German men "slap dancing" at Oktoberfest in Munich"
My sides are still hurting from that one line right there.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"we know that fabric is Spandex" - wonderful. A great read. Too bad the situation does not allow you to tell him that you are sorry but you don't go for the flaming skank typel
Submitted by LabRat (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, KAPOWIE.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-22 11:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-22 11:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your writing style!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-22 11:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it. I spit my Cheerios all over the monitor after reading this.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-10-22 11:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*smirks* you're hating of other people is funny to me.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2003-10-22 11:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Eliciting a rare +2 from me. Your descriptions of 'friend' were very funny.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-22 10:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA schadenfreude
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-10-22 08:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
The fabric of space is spandex. Fucking brilliant.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-22 08:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent.
Sounds like he has a winning personality and makes friends easily.