For the Cheated (1518 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Natalie <nataliefortin.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-22 11:56:21 EDT
Yet again, I started writing a reply to a post and ended up with verbal diarreah. I suppose this is for GodChicken and QueenAshlee, and anyone else who's had someone cheat on you.
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I was in this really fucked up situation when I was 14. I was seeing this guy who was several years older than I was. He wanted to have sex, I didn't. We did anyway. Not because he held me down and forced me, but because of all kinds of sick mental manipulation. I was at the lowest point of my life and felt that this asshole was the only friend I had. That is some messed up shit. In addition to that, he was of course seeing someone else. Someone with whom he was 'in love' as I overheard him saying when he thought I was sleeping.
Fast forward 5 years. I'd moved on. My life was so changed that people I'd met later in high school and college assumed I was a pampered, rich, super intelligent girl who had everything together. For the most part I did have everything together, except I still carried a leaden feeling in my gut when I thought of the guy from 5 years ago. He was, by this point, an omnipotent abstract creature hanging over my head subtly affecting my interactions in relationships with men. Until I unexpectedly ran into him.
I was house managing a show called Hello Again when we crossed paths. I was walking quickly in one direction while he was ambling towards me with a girl next to him. As I came within 5 feet of him, he noticed me. His face froze in shock, eyes and mouth wide. The rest of his body froze, causing him to drop his ticket. As he leaned over to pick it up, he didn't take his eyes off me. He was so visibly shaken that the girl was repeatedly asking, "Shane? Shane, are you all right? What's wrong?"
This took place in a matter of a few seconds. I never so much as paused. With a direct downward glance to his eyes so he knew I'd seen him, I side stepped him and didn't look back. For all he knew I hadn't recognized him, but in that moment my whole life and outlook changed.
There was so much in that moment, that it's difficult to put it into words. The look on his face and intensity of his reaction made me realize that he'd been dealing with unimaginable things, too. It didn't matter what, just that he'd been immensely affected by something as was I. He was a human. Nothing more. Not the monster he'd evolved into in my head. He was simply another human being. We hadn't spoken a single word to each other in 5 years, yet somehow he'd had say in how I felt. I let him have control all that time. I *LET* him.
I was elated by a feeling of empowerment! I didn't have to figure out his motivations, his problems, the why's and all that. It didn't matter. What mattered was how *I DECIDED* to react to things. So some guy cheated on me? What can I do about that? Nothing. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. All I can do is live the way I want to live, live well, which is NOT by feeding this monster of self-pity and obsessing over why someone did this or that. I realized just how much say I had in my own emotions and outlooks.
Now I understand when someone says not to be upset about something because it gives the person who did wrong control over you. I have completely forgiven this person and I wish I could find him to tell him everything is all right.
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It took me five years to come to that; I hope it doesn't take so long for others.
User Reviews
Submitted by ruin (user info) at 2004-01-06 10:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good for you.
i am not as fortunate.
my personal demon is my brother.
i have been plagued by his existance my whole conscious life.
everytime i learn something new about him it reconfirms how truely and utterly evil he is.
i stopped speaking to him when i was 18.
this was hard to do as we shared a bedroom.
i haven't spoken to him for the past 6 years.
in fact, i haven't spoken to anyone face to face for the past 6 years unless it's to say something like "10 pack of cigarettes and a bottle of whisky please" or "hello i'm here to sign on for my dole money"
hey!! you escaped from hell!! good for you!!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-06 10:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really good, I am glad it got reviewed today so I got a chance to read it. I have only been cheated on once and my ex was drunk at the time and just kissed the guy. I felt like forgiving her and moving on, but I also thought since she thought being drunk was wrong she should probably quit drinking. She never did and we broke up after a while. Some people can handle alcohol, other people cannot.
I kind of blamed myself though because I was working in another city about 3 hours away and she wanted to see me all the time but I was too busy. If you are going to be in a committed relationship you should make the time to be with the person. You are just torturing yourself to try to do something long distance. I think it shows you do not really love them.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-06 10:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Koz! You want to lick Shane's ass??? I thought you were stalking ME! ME ME ME!
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-29 22:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wanna lick your cheating ass!!!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-28 16:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"ONE MONTH ago I didn't even know this dick..."
+2 for Loren! YES! Exactly! Something I tell myself: I was born not knowing this person (whoever) and lived the first 20-odd years of my life without him just fine, I'll be just fine after.
Well, ain't this all upliftin' n shit?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-10-27 15:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting, when I was 19 I had a "coming of age" experience not unlike this one, I think the way you must have felt was very close to the way I did.
After the end of a 3+ year long relationship, where I did the breaking up, I started to date a guy I thought I really liked for a few weeks. We hung out, did a lot of making out, blah blah blah, and one night as we were saying goodbye at my car, he basically told me he "felt nothing" when we kissed, and it wasn't working for him.
In shock I drove away, and actually started crying, more than likely just hurt pride, but I confused it with thinking I'd miss him or was heart broken.
Then all of a SUDDEN - like a ray of light through the dark - it came to me. I thought, "ONE MONTH ago I didn't even know this dick, fuck him, I'm not crying over bullshit like this. EVER again." - And I never did. From that day on I didn't take things so seriously, and became in charge of silly emotions like sobbying over guys who don't want me. Plenty of fish in the sea mama always said...
For the record - that same guy chased me for years after that. He's married now w/kids, but to this day we are friends, and laugh about it from time to time. (I laugh a little louder I think.)
Well, I'll stop babbling now.
Good for you Woman! +2
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-27 15:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes! Help me stalk the possible stalker:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106728058752719364#235985
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-27 14:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
creepy - the rj stuff
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-27 14:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, Random Joe, that's just fucking creepy. Sounds just like "him". Do I have an internet stalker? Just in case: I DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT SHIT.
I don't believe in finding 'the one'. I think there are probably hundreds of 'perfect matches' on the planet for each one of us, but once you decide to make that commitment to one person THAT is special. If that makes any sense... And he was MARRIED. MARRIED. MARRIED. MARRIED. No way in hell would I ever be that stupid little twat waiting for a married man. Wouldn't that be lovely- I could commit myself to a man who sleeps with somene else every night. I wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it. I'd have to pass up other opportunities indefinitely (while he's with someone else every day and every night). And I can't tell you how sick to my stomach it makes me to hear women say things like "But he looooooooooooooves me" when the situation plainly speaks otherwise (like being in a relationship with someone who is married to SOMEONE ELSE). I REFUSE to EVER be one of those. Emotions and feelings are not facts; they do not rule. I'm not going to be an idiot just because I liked the guy for a short time.
To put it clinicaly, it's retarded.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-10-26 12:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh I give myself a personal overall rating of a 2 (Im not a hugely great catch). On hotornot.com I have like a 9.1 but thats not all that uncommon. Ive seen some nasty chicks get a high score before lol.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-10-25 17:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Manfre...you rate yourself a 2 out of 10? Is that the overall rating?
I'm a guy so I can't rate you...but I had the idea that you were more of da womenz man.... by 8.6...
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=105353595126005677#50635
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-25 16:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 14:37:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
It was an eerily perfect match....
----------------------------------------------------
Did he think it was a perfect match, too or was he just out for some strange? If it was so perfect on both parts, why not go for it (obviously if it was just "strange" you got used)? I mean, I understand the whole committment thing (well, at least I think I do), but if you both felt that perfection, isn't that worth pursuing? Aren't you worth it? Perfection doesn't come along all that often, you know - and when it does, there's usually a catch Yes, somoene would get hurt in the short term, but in the long run, if you found perfection and so did he, then (and maybe I'm just thinking selfishly here) isn't that saying something about the state of his marriage in the first place? (I'm assuming from the past tense of your post that nothing came of it.)
Shoot, maybe I just need to find something more intersting to do on a Saturday afternoon than browse ubersite!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-10-22 22:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nat, this was a great story. You've done quite well for yourself.
I know it sounds a bit immature, but I don't think I'll ever completely forgive my ex. He betrayed and destroyed me in so many ways BESIDES cheating, I just don't think I have it in me to forgive him entirely. Maybe I will someday, but for now, it just ain't going to happen.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, Nat. The kid eventually found out and hated his mother for how she treated me.
She blamed me for turning him against her, when I never talked about my relationship with her to the kid.
He has since runaway several times and been in jail twice this year so far. he behaved when I was around more often, as much as a teenage boy can behave.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry I can't just write one concise reply. My brain is all over the place today. I have a million things going on RIGHT THIS SECOND!!
DJ- You're very welcome! I absolutely know what you mean.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn, FATMAN! What a way to find out! You can't react the way you really want to in front of some poor kid who doesn't know any better! Phew.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GodChicken- It takes time, no doubt! I was slowly getting better over those five years, but it wasn't until what felt like a flash of lightening in the lobby of that theater when I really GOT IT. Sometimes I can immediately forgive one person but not another. It's funny like that. But remembering old Shane frozen stiff gives me a big shove in the direction of forgivness.
Things certainly do still pop up from time to time. The difference is that now I immediately get this little red flag that tells me I'm thinking something crazy, and I can choose to let it 'eat away at my brain' or not.
I vote for backpacking!!!
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2003-10-22 15:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
your situation at 14 sounds so fucking familiar
at 14 i was dating a 16 year old. We dated for 4 months, I was a virgin. The whole time we were together it was "i love you so much" and various forms of begging for sex
i caved in finally and had sex even because i felt obligated.
he dumped me 4 days later.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2003-10-22 15:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is my story, forgive the mediocre (at best) writing.
Dated a woman a few years ago. She had a 13-year-old son, and 3-year-old daughter. Had some good times and the kids liked me alot.
The son was beat up pretty bad, his jaw was broken in 2 places.
I stayed at the hospital the entire time he was there. I let my girlfriend know that I would do anything to help her out, as she would have to miss some time from work to make sure the kid was going to be OK once he left the hospital.
I offered to get her groceries, cigarettes, or anything else she needed. She thanked me for my support. She didn't want to spend much time with me at all; but I figured she wanted to be at home with her children. I thought she was just doing what any mother would do and want to protect her children from any further danger, even at the expense of romance/love. I accepted that.
So, after the kid gets his jaw unwired, I take him out for some chicken wings (The kid had been on shakes and pudding for over a month). While we are driving down to the restaurant, he drops a bomb on me, "Mom's little boyfriend Tim (Not the real name) came by again last night." He thought we had broken up, but were still friends.
I almost lost my fucking mind. All the emotions that swelled in me at that moment (Hate, feeling of betrayal, lost love...etc) changed me. I never trusted another word she ever said, and did not trust any women for a long time.
Sorry for the long reply, but had to share.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-22 15:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you. i really needed that.
my ex has a way of making me forget all the shit she put me through.
its reading posts like this, and replies like Manfre's that remind me.
i think what i need to do is get over my emotion towards her. you know?
not hate her, not love her, just... nothing.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-22 14:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 14:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, I went to lunch and came back to all this! Thanks, all. I feel more verbal squirts coming on...
Loki- That is NUTS! I've never had anyone so much as threaten physical violence with me. I don't know what I'd do! I have a feeling it wouldn't be pretty. It is bizarre when someone takes so long to accept that they've been cut off. I wish I still had this 8 page (typed) letter one freak sent me after I broke up with him. Mamma's boy. It would make a great post! Long as hell, but not one boring second!
Yes, Loki, I've unfortunately been the 'other woman' without knowing it until after the deed was done. He was married, as evidenced by the ring finger tanline I hadn't noticed before because we always had bike gloves on and such. We hadn't known each other long, but I was disappointed. It was an eerily perfect match, but nothing past the fact that he was married mattered to me. Period. The end. Funny you should mention getting caught in a picture from a charity event. One of my best friends is a private investigator, and she flips through those magazines to find pictures of people out with someone who isn't a spouse!
Sam_el- I won't give any more numbers, but he was still a teenager. He was young and having a shitty life, too, but it was enough of an age difference to be way out of line for a 14 year old. As an adult, now I can look back and feel real compassion for this fucked up kid. I hope he's learned a thing or two since then. If not, yeah he's scummy for sure :) Hello Again is a musical. I don't remember who wrote it. Man, that was perfect irony.
Street- That's so great to hear! Forgiveness, to me, is not about doing it for someone else. It's getting rid of all that shit you're carrying around to lighten your own load. In the end, it benefits others because being able to do it changes your whole reaction to the world. Hey, did that sound like a greeting card or what?!
William Q Percy- "It just eats away at your brain, realy preventing any sort of healing." Whoa, that hit me. Right on. It WAS really hard. Every relationship I had was defined by what happened when I was 14. It seems so retarded now that I see I did it to myself!
Bellebrown- I'm glad to remind you of that!! I have a wicked smile for you now myself.
I've been working on this whole compassion/forgiveness thing since then, and fuckme it works!!
Much luck to those currently dealing with things like this.
Screw spellcheck.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-22 14:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff, Nat.
While at the moment I still despise and hate, I'll slowly come out of it.
She, like my ex-wife, will eventually become a collection of pictures and dust covered gifts.
The emotions, however, will take just as long to bury and still come back, like a dead body floating to the top of a lake. Thats what happened there in my post, causing the two to blend together in my head. They still do, I have trouble and have to catch myself from using the wrong name.
My ex-wife, I talk to once in awhile on instant messenger. We've grown up since then, and like I said in SpikeGoddess's post, http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1064984330794017661#194606 my reminders are carefully chosen to remind me of what it was like before the bad parts. We get along now, and our affection bittersweet. I have no inclination to see her again, but the apologies have been made. It took 4 years though.
This ex g/f, I run into everywhere, I have not had the chance to heal, every sight rips open the wounds over and over. when I wrote the response above, I had just run into her at the movie theater with her new boy-toy. When will I be able to hear an apology and feel its genuine? I don't know. When will I be able to apologize for my own failings? Probably about the same time.
Hopes and dreams of what I wanted for "Us" are broken and gone. It has left me adrift for now, and I am trying to pilot my way through it all. I have my own end goals, and I am working towards them everyday. My left arm, figuratively, is gone. Crippled or no, I keep going.
My desire, my choice, is to be like you above: walking by with nary a glance and knowing, KNOWING, that in their eyes, I've succeeded far beyond what those people have achieved for themselves, and expected for me.
In january I will be making the choice of how to use my 2 weeks paid vacation for next summer: A backpacking trip to http://www.angel-falls.com/ or off on a road trip across Australia visiting online friends and getting my ass kicked by a kangaroo. If I dont get eaten by snakes or crocodiles at either destination, I should have some good pictures.
Adventure and color in life, my dear.
When I talk to someone again after a long absence, I will smirk inside when they tell me of barely made car payments, mac n cheese meals, and dissatisfaction with their significant other. I will tell them of taking a shower under the largest waterfall in the world and standing on mayan pyramids at sunset. I may be alone, but I'll be happy with myself.
Is that narcissistic of me? Maybe. It's also a prediction.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-22 14:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Here I am again, with my face to the ground and I'm kissing your feet. I have betrayed you again and there is no good left in me."
Being cheated on sucks. It's good you can forgive though, I sometimes wish I had that ability to just come to terms and move on. I'm one of those people who has very little capacity to conscioussly (sp?) forgive if I've been wronged-- I have to let time heal, and eventually I get over it, but man, the time it takes is tough.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being cheated on hurts more than anything...
My first love did that to me and it was horrible. I was cheated on once by another ex and I walked in on her with 2 other guys... I thought that hurt. But having my ex cheat on me once with one person hurt more than the world. I dont know that it was just once with one person but what I was told it was only one time with only one person. For all I know she could have cheated on me several times with several different people. But from what I know it was once. I found this out after we had split and it still hurt like hell. It wasnt even recently after we broke up. It was a year after when I found out she really did cheat on me.
It definetly takes a deafening blow to the ego, heart and emotions. But I didnt let it get the best of me. I look at her now and see her for the whore she is. I now know things about her from her sister that disgust me. I can now honestly say shes less of a human being and that I really was the best thing to have ever happened to her. Its sad to say that because Im not much. Its much sadder to think that a 2 (I give myself a 2 on a scale of 1-10) could be the best thing thats happened to someone. I sometimes wonder what kind of crap is going on with her now after we stopped talking again for the last time. Then realize that it doesnt matter. That Im better off without her. But shes worse off without me as someone to guide her in the right direction.
We all have to learn from our mistakes and not one single person can hold our hand through it all. As much as Id like to help everyone I know there are people that cant and wont be helped. Not because they refuse it, but because they cant be helped.
I dont know where I went with that or why I went there.
Im glad you were able to get passed it. IT makes you a stronger person and most of all a better person for being able to forgive him.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't forgiveness a beautiful thing?
I have been betrayed many times in my life, and now I've come to a point where I can forgive such things almost instantly. But I've also learned that just because I forgive someone doesn't mean that they don't have to face certain consequences, such as losing me in their life.
But once I forgive, I can move on.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
14?
Whenever I sleep with a 14 year old I always had to deal with the shitty problem of disposing the body.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*smiles* you've just given me a nice reminder of a moment when I got the power back with an ex...
I looked him in the eye from the top of the stairs and said to my father who had just opened the door to him "tell him Im not in"
Since then I never feel shitty that that twat took advantage of a young girl that didnt know what was what.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgirly (user info) at 2003-10-22 13:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar situation. It is so much better to let it go.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Must have been a difficult stretch of years. Thanks for showing us all your courage.
I am in a strange predicament myself, along the lines of love, and you are right about them controlling you. It just eats away at your brain, really preventing any sort of healing. Why the hell are we all hardwired like this? Is it really that important that we understand the emotional motivations of others? I guess it does us all well to know these things, but sometimes it is just too much to bear.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was cool.
my ex tried to cheat on me with a friend of mine. he turned her down. i didn't find out until after we broke up, i was angry about it and since i still had to deal with her (she owed me money, and was taking care of my cat temporarilyl) i confronted her about it. of course she denied it but letting her know that I knew was all the closure i needed
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there myself unfournately, but i'm glad it worked out for you.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Much agreed with everyone else.
Submitted by GoblinVolunteer (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here ya go since the score +2 didnt handle it
Submitted by GoblinVolunteer (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweetness
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
classy. i agree with streetpunk; ive never heard it put that way, but it has made me think. thanks, i'll be sure to keep that in mind.
+4
seb
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever been the one that someone else cheated with? Say, hypothetically that you hook up with someone and then later find out that he's married? Even worse, what if you found out because he and his lovely wife were in the paper on one of those candid shots at a charity event? Boy if that happened it would suck like a big dog.
Submitted by LabRat (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I like how you worded that. Thanks, forgiveness makes a lot more sense to me now. I never heard it put like that and never knew what was so important about it. I am going to work on this in my own life. That truly inspired me.
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you, Natalie. But he's a prick not just because he cheated on you, but because he took advantage of a young girl. God, I despise "men" like that. They are so low and scummy. Urgh!
Hello Again. Was that that show with John Stamos and Oscar Madison? Or was that You Again?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you Nat, revenge can be a wonderful thing.
This post actually made me think of a story of my own. Perhaps I'll post it in the future.
Thanks Nat, really.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like epiphanies. This was very uplifting.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-22 12:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's good that you moved on, but he disserved to stew over it.
Since we're sharing, this is my personal cheating story: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=105770977067417057
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 11:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how to spell diarreah.