When I Fought a Retard Girl and Lost, And Other Tales Of Karate Class (2635 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <thegreatgent.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-22 15:55:57 EDT
Back in 1984, when an entire population of young boys were inspired to join the Good Fight in the battle against the Cobra Kai, I, six at the time, decided to take Karate lessons, to emulate my hero, Danny LaRusso. Perhaps it was because people said we looked alike - sharing the characteristics that are best described as "ethnic" good looks (although perhaps not all would agree). But, whatever the reason, the fact remained that I intended to become Ralph Macchio (or LaRusso, his alter ego). Even the name, "Macchio", oozed of the characteristics generally found to be desirable in a man.
I had my parents enroll me in Fred Valarie's School of Self-Defense; Valerie himself was to become my personal Miyagi. The selling point of the school, as I remember it, was that Valarie had once fended off an attack from 11 would be assassins, all wielding knives. In fact, this story was confirmed in the brochure, which I had read front to back hundreds of times before that first class (this feat was not remarkable, since the "brochure" was really nothing more than a single, Xeroxed piece of paper). But these exploits had me convinced that I was embarking on something truly remarkable... that my life would be altered, and I would become the deadly ninja that I had envisioned for quite some time.
In Valarie's school, a warrior's clothes (called a Gi), must be earned. Thus, my mother dressed me in a bright orange sweat suit for my first class. It was not my first choice, but she reasoned to me that it was the closest article of clothing that I owned resembling a real Gi. All my other sweat tops and sweat bottoms were mismatches, and a Gi is a single, uniform color - in Valarie's case, white. So, as I waved adieu to my mother, I contemplated whether she realized that when she next laid eyes on me, I would be changed... harder somehow, more focused, and quite possibly, deadly. I envisioned a demonstration to begin the class, perhaps Valarie recreating his assault on 11 knife-wielding madmen, perhaps something even more elaborate, like changing them to 11 knife-wielding Russians (remember how much we hated the Russians back then). But there was to be no demonstration, rather, we simply stretched and made introductions all the way around.
It was around this time that I noticed I was the only one not wearing a Gi, meaning my classmates were all more experienced than I. However, since we all appeared to be roughly the same age, I assumed I would catch up rather quickly. We were asked to inform the group of our names, and our reasons for joining the class. The answers were many, some pertaining to Danny LaRusso, others citing other role models, but when the finger was pointed at me, I simply said, "I want to learn to do the Crane-Kick." This response elicited a laugh, which was not to be the last time I was laughed at on that day.
After stretching and exchanging pleasantries, the combat began. And this is meant literally, as our instructor told us that we would begin the class with some sparring. Since I had yet to learn a single move, I began to panic. I had seen "The Karate Kid" a few times, but how much had I really absorbed? Knowing that I was the novice in a class full of yellow belts, I was paired with the only girl in the class. This might have seemed logical to the instructor, but not to me. I did not want to fight a girl, especially after I greeted her and realized that she happened to be a mentally retarded girl. And a purple belt, at that.
The sparring began, all of us in a circle cheering on the two combatants dueling ferociously in the center. Each fighter displayed a dizzying array of moves, which added to the growing emptiness in my stomach, and lump in my throat. Finally, it was my turn... we were fighting last, the proverbial "Main Event"... the circus side-show featuring me, the unskilled novice, versus she, the young, retarded, purple-belted warrior. Add to the stress of this predicament the fact that I was always taught not to hit a woman and there was to be but one conclusion... I would suffer a humiliating and profound defeat.
The instruction to fight was given, and the mentally retarded girl, Sally, was upon me before I could react. As the blows rained on my mask-shielded head, the only thing I was aware of was the taunts and laughter resounding from my fellow students. Even the instructor, I noticed, who was concealing his smile behind his hand, could not hide the maniacal glee in his eyes. I tried to cover, I tried to run, but she countered my every move with the speed and precision of the ninja she was. Finally, when I had given up all other hopes of escape, I simply fell to the ground, and put my hands over my head in defense. But this did nothing to stop the onslaught. As blows fell onto every exposed area on my body, the shouts of laughter grew louder. And as if the torture and humiliation was not yet complete, I heard Sally challenge my courage with shouts of, "Get up!" But I would not, and mercifully, the instructor put an end to the bloodshed.
As I climbed to my feet, ordered to bow to my assailant, I noticed that Sally had urinated herself in the process of pummeling me. Needless to say, I never returned to Fred Valarie's School of Self-Defense. I continued to pursue Karate in my own time, often alone in my room, but never with the eagerness I displayed just prior to my first lesson. Gradually, the desire to excel in a Martial Art faded. Thankfully, "Space Camp" was released a year or so later, and my interests were shifted to an endeavor that offered far less chance of total humiliation.
User Reviews
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-21 15:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Confirmed...he told a story and then wrote it down on a piece of paper. Hilarious.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-06-17 17:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, humorous, and light-hearted self-deprecation.
"Sweep the leg!"
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-17 17:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your sir, kick ass.....in a not physical sort of way.
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-17 17:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
in space no one can hear you fail
Submitted by Kichigai (user info) at 2004-04-29 05:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was great
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lenny (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is proof that retards are indeed strong in the force
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-02-06 04:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-10-24 12:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Bart
The +2 is for you (and for me).
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2003-10-23 09:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck was that all about... I think someone is trying to sabotage my post.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-23 08:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
[some really long comment deleted by bart]
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-10-23 07:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im mentally retarded too.
right = write.
Whatever (:P)
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-10-23 07:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God you're god.
I like the way you right.
I also like that you like karate kid.
Submitted by Lord_Of_The_Strings (user info) at 2003-10-23 07:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey not so bad man, I got my faced pounded in by a girl the other day and I'm 20, ok she is a black belt and I'm only a yellow belt but still she gave me a beating that no male has ever given me. Savage post though very well done, keep em comin
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-23 07:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a dick.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-23 06:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have followed her out afterwards and knifed her.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2003-10-22 21:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hopex (user info) at 2003-10-22 21:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. Absolutely classic.
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-10-22 21:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2003-10-22 20:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The title was supposed to be, When I fought a RETARDED girl and lost.
Yes. We actually sparred during our first class. In hindsight I don't think it was the first class for all the other kids, but I thought it was at the time. I never went to Space Camp, but my brother did and hated it. No friendly robots, no unexpected launches into space.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-22 19:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-10-22 18:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, laughed my ass off over here.
Submitted by GoingBlue (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today, on a very speical Blossom...
Submitted by kidsensation (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best part was when she pissed herself. Probably from the joy of kicking your ass!
Great writing!
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sense that you spend all of that time between the skin tower of babel and now perfecting this story. It is the only way to have such quality posts.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
quack
Submitted by MaesterMeat (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I wish I could be this good. That was great.
Submitted by natsthename (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful!
/anxiously awaiting another story.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, I almost urinated myself reading this.
+2!
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2003-10-22 17:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Daniel wants to learn Karate!"
" Is that right Daniel? Well here's your first lesson, how to take a fall! HAHAHAHAHAHAH"
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is quality writing, perfect for the time that most people care to spend on reading posts here.
Your first post was fucking excellent was well.
Keep up the good work and I will surely continue reading it.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn... your orange Gi had been freshly squozen upon.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, you won't get laughed at at space camp, only when you tell people you went to space camp.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was the only one who urinated myself in the process of kicking the asses of others. I see now I was mistaken.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thankfully, "Space Camp" was released a year or so later, and my interests were shifted to an endeavor that offered far less chance of total humiliation."
Ahh the rigors of freeze dried ice cream. I grew up in Huntsville, AL. where they had Space Camp, that line sold me on the whole story. That's friggin awesome. I can imagine you telling the story to some kids, "well this one time I got my ass kicked by a retarded girl..."
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me burst out laughing. Did they really make you spar on your very first class?
AAAHAHAHAHA
I had to fight a blind guy once, I got my ass fed to me. "but but I don't want to hurt a... AAAH oh fuck get him off me AAAHH
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Teeeeve, oh Teve'
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How nerds are born.
Really great story. And I don't know you, you may not be a nerd, but you have to admit, there is a big difference between karate and space camp.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Post. Truly masterful.
I wanted to be a big robot that could turn into a truck after seeing... you guessed it: Goonies.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a retard.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Stop posting such quality. First the Skin Tower of Babel, now this. Give someone else a chance for God's sake.
"I noticed that Sally had urinated herself while pummeling me." Perfect.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2003-10-22 16:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some movies inspire us like that, and we end up making asses of ourselves.
I wanted a black Trans Am after seeing Smokey & The Bandit. I am such a dork.
Submitted by dan at 2003-10-22 16:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment