Negative Calories: The Fool-Proof Diet Plan. (20454 hits)
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Submitted by Will Zone <dianoga101.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-24 12:02:19 EDT
Or is it a diet plan for fools? Use your brain and the process called thinking to figure this out.
Food. It's what I love. Its what my body needs to survive. But there is always that pesky problem of gaining weight when your body takes in more calories than it can burn. I know there are volumes of books that talk about the digestive system, and it really goes into the caloric intake, but to sum it all up into one run-on sentence. If you take in more than you burn you'll gain weight; And if you take in less than you burn you'll lose weight. Simple. Right? Right.
This brings up the topic of negative calories.
"Negative calories, Will Zone? That's a myth. Like dry land in Waterworld...or a balanced US budget. How can calories be "negative calories?""
Well Doubting Debra lemme do some 'splainin. A negative caloric intake exists when you eat a food, and it takes more calories to digest it than the food actually contains.
"Bullshit, meng."
Really? Well, Celery for example is a negative calorie food. Its no surprise that celery is the dieters go-to food. There is roughly 6 calories in an 8-inch stalk. And if you add up all the energy it takes to chew, swallow, and digest this cellulose-laden snacky-snack, it burns off more than 6 calories, making it a negative calorie food. When you eat a celery stalk...oddly enough, you lose weight. [if you want to get into details about this check out http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/celery.asp] Snopes.com also says "A cold low-calorie drink would enhance the effect, because the liquid needs to be warmed to body temperature, an act that requires further expenditure of energy."
And now I would like to start a diet revolution. You've heard of people on the Zone Diet, right? Well, fuck dat yo, I'd like to welcome your bitch ass to the Will Zone Diet.
NOTE TO READER: I'm unable to find exact numbers of energy expended in the process of chewing, swallowing and digesting, and all the other little things that have to do with this, so just bear with me as I make up numbers and falsify facts.
Prepare for a new chapter in the Book of Dieting. You don't need to exercise anymore. You just need to chew harder and longer, swallow more often [eww], and digest to the best of your ability. And that's it. You'll lose weight no matter what you eat. You just need to adjust your chews, swallows and digest-ies for the amount of calories in what you are eating.
Lets use the celery scale, shall we.
"Will, this is stupid."
Shut-up. If one piece of celery, eaten normally automatically becomes negative...than we just exponentially explode that number to combat a say, a McDonalds Number One [Big Mac, duh] Super Sized with a coke.
A caloric intake of, oh say, 1300 calories. An 8-inch stalk of celery takes about 30 bites, a 8 good swallows and some churning in the bowels to finish off and it becomes negative. So, to finish a Super Sized #1, all you have to do to lose weight while eating is...[drum roll please]...6,500 chews, a buncha swallows, and an extended dip in the belly, and you know what...you just lost weight. Lets say you just lost a pound. Chew and swallow more and you could lose 5 pounds, 10 pounds, a million pounds it could never end.
Greatest diet plan ever? I think so. Want that candy bar, but cringe at the 250 calories it contains...just chew that bitch 1,250 times and you've lost weight.
And you know what else I just thought of?
"Your dumb, so it could be anything. Boobies, Baron Münchhausen, or gum?"
Yes, gum! Just get some low-calorie gum, and Jesus Christ...you can have a figure like Jesus Christ in like a week. That's a lot of chewing which means a lot of weight loss.
Now readers, be sure to form your own opinions on this based on the concrete information I gave you [I even did Math for you, when was the last time someone did math for you health] and not be influenced by others peoples stupid opinions and facts.
Oh journal, quit reading and start chewing.
Will
ps- Don't tell the UK, cause once we are all skinny Americans, the UK takes the crown as having the fattest people per captia.
User Reviews
Submitted by briomario <mk_dawg.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-04 20:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know about the diet, but you are one hilarious man. I like your stuff.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-22 16:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, didn't notice the date.
It was on Most Recently Viewed. Probably some poor shmuck looking for an easy way out of obesity.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is it about this post that keeps bringing people back? I wish I could bottle it and sprinkle it over my other posts!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-22 15:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I go to the gym. I eat dumbbells.
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-02-24 11:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard that semen is also negative calories. That's what i tell my girlfriend anyway
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-02-04 16:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm on the 30,000 calorie a day diet but i burn it off doing my innovative monster hump sex moves.
Submitted by bonnyMcjob (user info) at 2004-02-04 16:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i heard that too. Something about carrots and apples...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-01-28 03:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My oh my....
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-01-27 16:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I took the Will Zone Diet, 1 week trial plan. He's right! It does work! Even better than I expected, I must say. After 7 days, 4.36 billion chews, 489 million swallows and unknown digestive exercises, I have reached my Goal. I now weigh in at a slim negative 2 pounds. Eat your heart out Calista Flockhart.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-16 07:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes. Digesting cellulose requires that you be able to break d-alpha glycosidic bonds. Humans can't do that. See! I do remember something from all that miserable organic chemistry.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-16 07:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
12 hours of chewing? I think I'd rather just go to the gym, go hiking, or some other form of exercise.
But... You should write a book. There's a lot of dumbasses that would try this.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-08 12:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-01-07 18:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in... so two double 1/4 pounders supersized fries and coke... hmmm..... 12 hrs of chewing and I'll be all good, THANKS WILL ZONE! (cheesy infomercial music)
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-01-07 18:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this guy.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-07 06:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2003-10-24 14:29:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
- calories. fiber, fat, protein and acid. Combine 2 or more of those items and it takes longer to digest fending of hunger and belly fat. I have been researching a lot about diet lately because I still have this cute little pocket on my stomach even though I run and do weight training 4-5 days a week. I have shrunk my stomach in 2 weeks.
---------------------------------------------
Acid? A Big Mac with a couple grams of LSD and I'm slim?
Funny stuff, Will. I missed the post, clearly. I like how all the ladies are taking it seriously. Personally I am on a 3000-cal-a-day diet and still have the best six-pack in the world. I am the best.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-10-25 01:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think it's an excellent idea regardless.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-10-25 00:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
if you tap your feet and click a pen cap for 8hrs straight, you burn around 400 calories.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-24 15:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, eating 500 less (or burning 500 more) calories a day equals losing 1 lb/wk
Submitted by mmmrice (user info) at 2003-10-24 14:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. Not that I'm into diets or anything but doesnt it take around 3500 calories burned to lose a pound? Thats a lot of chewing
---my opinions rule---
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2003-10-24 14:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
- calories. fiber, fat, protein and acid. Combine 2 or more of those items and it takes longer to digest fending of hunger and belly fat. I have been researching a lot about diet lately because I still have this cute little pocket on my stomach even though I run and do weight training 4-5 days a week. I have shrunk my stomach in 2 weeks.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-10-24 14:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well just keep chewing that choclate cake the right amount of times and you'll cancel it out. there might not be anything in your gob...but you still have to chew the chew. chew. chew.
The girls give this a 1...don't fuck with ladies and diets. they've tried them all. Even if its funny and absurd, they'll look at it seriously.
Love,
Chew
Submitted by Amy <razmataz73.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-10-24 13:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the concept of eating more and losing weight. But I doubt that you would be able to "chew" a forkful of chocolate cake more than a few times. So even if your theory of chewing to burn calories worked, it wouldn't be feasible if the food kept disentigrating in our mouths. (Saliva, yum.)
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-10-24 13:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm fat, maybe I should try this.
Submitted by Petruchio (user info) at 2003-10-24 12:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, I don't like celery... maybe if I hold my nose....
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-24 12:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmmmmm . . . Baron Münchhausen.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-24 12:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your ideas are intriguing, I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-24 12:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hate to burst your bubble, but it's not the chewing that causes the calorie burn. It's the digestive process in the stomach and the intestines.
So basically, your diet is the celery, water, and diet soda diet.
Otherwise known as "anorexia nervosa".
Good try though! (And amusingly written!)
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by GoblinVolunteer (user info) at 2003-10-24 12:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment