ATTN: Literary Critics (543 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.5 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by YellowDragon (View user info) at 2003-10-29 21:50:24 EST
I just wanted to run this past a public audience before I go any farther. It's the first time I've ever experimented with this first-person style, and just want to run it up the flagpole and see who salutes. Well, here it is. Think about this when you're finished: Are you interested in reading more? Thanks,
YellowDragon
* * *
I hung up the receiver and closed my eyes.
Friday had been rough; I was still bleeding when I went to bed. Aching muscles. That sound in your head that you can only hear when there's nothing else to hear, russsh, russsh, russsh. Perfect quiet, except the click of my clock turning over, every minute. I counted twelve of them, and fell asleep.
I dreamed of her again, from when I fell asleep to the moment I slid backwards into an all-too-real December Saturday. We were having sex, wild and uninhibited, in a castle with furs lining every inch of stone. From the walls, ceiling, floors, bed: piles and piles of furs, but under them a surface cold and hard. Unforgiving.
We romped about for a while, until she drew me close. I held her, and every instinct said "yes, yes: this is right." But she turned my head and bit my ear, gently, a love bite, and said, "and you're no different." I looked back to her face and saw blood—mine. She smiled, straining my life between her perfect teeth, and I felt that fear which everyone should have to feel, but only once in their lifetime. Me? The same damnable dream, the same damnable fear, every night, and this time with a playful condemnation. Damnation all around. Thus began my Saturday.
Rising to consciousness, rising from bed, climbing the stairs from my basement room to a kitchen which might as well have no windows. I poured milk, fried an egg, and tried not to scorch my bathrobe again. Forgot the toast. Fuck. I put in two slices and pressed the lever down, thinking how my egg would be cold before they were done. I hate that.
The windows in the kitchen face north, the only cardinal direction which is perpetually gray. I like it; it's easy on tired and hungover eyes. Reflecting on this, I notice heat from the toaster: in my fingers, in my face, as real as the heat of a woman in love. My thoughts drift to my dream; she was, she is every time, beautiful. Lithe, athletic, taut, graceful. She is shy, and she is coy, and she is deadly. She will be my end, and I don't know who the hell she is.
I see her in every woman around me: every woman who lowers her gaze at my approach, the girls that laugh freely and openly until they turn around and see me. Then they smile sweetly and think deadly thoughts. Suddenly returning to reality, I think deadly thoughts myself as I pry scorched toast from the toaster and mutter a brief curse against fantasizing.
Racial profiling saves lives.
The glass ceiling saves jobs.
Paying attention saves toast. Son of a bitch, I was looking forward to Saturday, too.
I tried to pay attention driving to school. Comfortably esconced in sweats, windows down, heat and radio all the way up. Egg on scorched toast in hand, I pray to God that I don't hit anybody.
* * *
Regards,
YellowDragon
User Reviews
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2003-10-30 12:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, Morphus, I do find it hard to switch voices. I usually crank out a story every two or three weeks, and the day that I start the next one it's like driving somebody else's car. I find it just takes some getting used to. Reading also helps; writers like Anton Chekhov and Dostoevsky really cleanse the pallate. I don't know if that's an effect of the translations, but it works.
dakingisdead~
Thank you! I'm so weak willed when it comes to editing, and that's probably why most of my stuff is unsalvagable scrap. Every writer needs a good literary kick in the nuts from time to time. Thanks again.
YellowDragon
Submitted by Morpheus (user info) at 2003-10-30 06:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
You really use first person well as a tool to give the main character a character through his voice. That's why I love first person so much. You're not telling the reader anything about the character, your'e letting the character reveal himself to the reader through how he sees the world. Well done in this regard.
First a question: When you switch stories, do you find it difficult to switch voices (if you remain in the first person)? I'm asking this because I'm finding that the voices in my last two first person stories are too similar... so I'm switching the perspective in one. I was curious to know if other writers have the same problem, and if perhaps they have any methods to get this problem. I have found the only way to recover from this is to switch back to good 'ol third person for awhile, and then come back to first person. This gets rid of the speach patterns that I have planted in my head.
And second, I would read more of this story.
+2
And thanks for the compliments on one of mine way back when...
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2003-10-29 23:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok I'll put on my mortise board and play nit-picking tutor
You have got some great ideas and sentences going here but some fine-tuning may help. The first thing I noticed was that you 'were having wild uninhibited sex'. Then you go on to say 'this felt so right'. A qualitative statement that indicates thought processes that would probably not be present in a wild and uninhibited state. Could you be wild and uninhibited if it 'felt so wrong'.
In the third paragraph you woke up 'to the moment I slid backwards into an all-too-real December Saturday'. In the 4th paragraph you woke up 'Thus began my Saturday'. In the 5th paragraph 'Rising to consciousness' you woke up. How many times do you need to wake up already? Try taking out the following:
'from when I fell asleep to the moment I slid backwards into an all-too-real December Saturday.' and
'Damnation all around. Thus began my Saturday.' Then see how it reads.
Tread very carefully when using metaphors and similes particularly in the first person. B grade detective stories love them but is that the style you are trying to achieve. What the fuck does 'heat from the toaster: in my fingers, in my face, as real as the heat of a woman in love' mean? A woman in love radiates like a kitchen appliance; a kitchen appliance has sexual 'heat'.
You are using far to many commas. 'We were having sex, wild and uninhibited, in a castle with furs lining every inch of stone. From the walls, ceiling, floors, bed: piles and piles of furs, but under them a surface cold and hard. Unforgiving'. Could be:
We were having totally wild and uninhibited sex in a castle. Furs lined every inch of the stone bedchamber and were piled high on the bed. Piles and piles of furs, but under them a surface cold, hard and unforgiving. (note: I used bedchamber not bedroom. Castles have chambers, houses rooms)
When editing be ruthless on yourself. Always approach with the question 'is this necessary, does it add anything, is it cliched?' The KISS principle rules!!!
Here endeth the lesson grasshoppper........Looking forward to the next installment
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2003-10-29 22:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, everyone. Please excuse the swearing, by the way-- I just thought it fit.
By the way, SG-- Married, no. Best homies? Absolutely.
Regards,
YellowDragon
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-10-29 22:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have the audacity to claim I am a literary critic, but I know what I like.
I like this.
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-10-29 22:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-29 22:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Magnificent. I would love to see more of your stuff.
On the constructive criticism side, I think you have too many of those short, choppy moments.
"Unforgiving."
"Aching Muscles."
"Lithe, athletic, taut, graceful."
Show, don't tell. Wonderful writing, and I'm looking forward to more.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2003-10-29 21:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
write more...i wanna see where this goes.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-29 21:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My only regret is that it's most likely against your religion to marry a witch such as myself.
You're quite a talented writer, and I do not give praise that is unwarranted.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2003-10-29 21:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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