Hook me up (40995 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.81 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2000-02-10 01:06:58 EST
This is something that happened to me today which is funny because it is totally true... First, the setup... a few days ago I went to Target to buy a frame for a print that I had purchased. I had the frame sitting in my apartment until last night when I decided to actually put the print in the frame. When I opened the frame, I discovered that one of the corners was broken, which I didn't notice until now because it was covered with some styrofoam padding. So, today I needed to make another trip to Target. I refunded the frame and then began to look at the frames again. I started to wonder if I really wanted this frame because it was 18"x24" and the print was actually a non-standard size of 10"x24". I began to think of other options while I headed towards the hardware section. The most elegant option I thought of was to get a couple of clips and attach them to the print and then get some hooks, nail the hooks to the wall, and then hang the print up like that. I wandered around the hardware section for a couple minutes and couldn't find what I was looking for. As I walked out of one of the aisles, standing right there was an employee, so I decided to ask him for help. "Do you have any hooks?" I asked. Just then, I happened to glance down, and... THE MAN HAD A HOOK IN PLACE OF A RIGHT HAND! Oh my God, I couldn't believe it! I swear, I almost fell down. This guy has a hook on his arm and I ask him, "Do you have any hooks?" ?? Unbelievable! It's not as though I said "Do you sell hooks?" or even a simple "Could you show me where the picture hooks would be?" No, I say exactly, "Do you have any hooks?" If there ever was a "faux pas", this sure was it. Well, he was very friendly and pointed me to what I sought without any sort of strange reaction. I still felt like an ass. For the next twenty minutes I kept repeating that line in my head wondering if anything worse could have come out of my mouth. I then determined I was going to Hell.
User Reviews
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-08-05 13:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-06-27 09:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-14 17:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:18:31 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-28 02:18:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:55:59 (#)
Ranking: -1
Bart, you seriously abused b@w with this.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2007-01-19 07:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was younger, I used to work at a convenience store. Two girls that I went to school with were going to a pool party, which unfortunately I couldn't attend. So, with a line of people at the register, I proceeded to tell two 17 year old girls to have fun "getting wet without me". It was one of those moments, where the women in the line scowled, and one man laughed awkwardly. Licking a bum's ass indeed.
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-19 05:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Plus!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:30:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
see?
ubersite used to think THIS was funny.
------------------------------
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-19 05:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-14 17:21:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
36000 hits for THIS piece of shit???
___________________
They guy has a point and a fist of iron so i never disagree
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2007-01-19 05:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that's not very nice, Shlongy...
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-01-19 05:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-14 17:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
36000 hits for THIS piece of shit???
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-14 17:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:18:31 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-28 02:18:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:55:59 (#)
Ranking: -1
Bart, you seriously abused b@w with this.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should have asked him to give you a hand with the hooks.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
see?
ubersite used to think THIS was funny.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-28 02:18:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:55:59 (#)
Ranking: -1
Bart, you seriously abused b@w with this.
Submitted by Lianne260987 (user info) at 2006-08-16 05:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I can imagine your imbarrasment but it wasn't that funny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-06-28 02:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I drunk or does this look weird?
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-28 02:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
anyone who plus 2'd this would blow bart if given half a chance
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-28 02:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:55:59 (#)
Ranking: -1
Bart, you seriously abused b@w with this.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-06 12:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Bart, you seriously abused b@w with this.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-24 06:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Got meat?
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-24 06:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If thats true you are one unlucky guy bart! +1 Made me smile
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-07 17:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhhh Bart from the past.
Doesn't have many reviews considering the hits.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2005-09-07 15:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GANK-ed: http://www.ubersite.com/m/74715
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did he point with his hook?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-23 21:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bart must have automated his hits to stay on as #1.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-23 21:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's with all the hits?
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-10-23 21:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Extremely funny.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-12 01:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AdmiralAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-15 20:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the title
Submitted by egg <egg.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-28 16:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This happened to me once too... It was on senior trip to Ocean City, MD in 1998... my best friend and I had just got done taking rips from the bong, when another friend of mine, who's black, came in. Justin asked me if I wanted to go down to the beach and I said, "You know it nigg..." Catching myself before I finished, I tried to fix the situation by ending with "man." Totally obvious, since we broke out into hysterical laughter and I ran out of the room. I think my black friend still hates me...
Submitted by exekutive memmber at 2004-03-13 00:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
captain hook didnt care so im sure the people in heaven wont mind either.
Submitted by Brian <Pimpin_Hoes.at.minister.com> at 2004-02-23 12:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
your going to hell
Submitted by BikerRob <evil_biker_rob.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-02-19 01:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That reminds me....
A snotty young girl carded me for beer the other day (I had not shaved in 3 days, was clad in my finest biker leathers and I'm just shy of 40). When I asked her if she was serious, she cops an attitude with me (she takes her 7 bucks an hour very seriously). So, I show her my ID, she looks at it for a moment and says to me without making eye contact "Did you have any gas today?". I took my ID back and said, ""Well, I did earlier this morning, but I didn't really want to talk about it."
She didn't get it. Then she gets pissed that the in line people behind me are laughing. I told her to have a nice day and enjoy her shitty job.
Submitted by wags (user info) at 2004-02-19 00:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-01-16 22:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At a full serve gas station, I accidentally said "I'll pay with my visa when you're done pumping me". I understand awkward.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-16 22:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, not "do" I meant "due".
I keep freakin telling you people I can't spell.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-16 22:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ, this had me cracking up. I did the old standard, "So, when are you do?".
"Girl, I ain't pregnant!"
"oh."
Submitted by Mothyham (user info) at 2004-01-16 21:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that happened to me when I asked a black dude if he had any niggers
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-01-15 22:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! You certainly have a way with words. I also loved the review about fruits...
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-12-14 17:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i know i've read this through email... forgive me if i'm wrong but i swear i've read this before...
ahh what the hell i'll still give you a 1 because it's funny, but not quite a 2 because i question the originality
Submitted by Embryophagous (user info) at 2003-12-10 15:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked the proverbial bum's ass...
I was celebrating the 4th of July at my girlfriend's beach house. Her older sister had some friends over and we were all sitting around politely talking about various things. My girlfriend showed me a magazine article she was reading about a legally blind man who has run the Boston Marathon. I said something to the effect of how I wasn't impressed, legally blind people can still see (just not very well). Well she got an embarrassed look on her face and I got the hint - shut up. It turned out that one of the girls had brought her legally blind boyfriend to the party (I din't know him) and he was sitting right next to me.
A few months later, at my girlfriend's siter's wedding, I somehow got stuck at a table with this same guy. He asked me a friendly question, "Caught any snakes lately?" Well I catch snakes, and I had in fact caught a large cornsnake that very morning that had given me a pretty good bite to the hand. I replied with "Yep, one bit me right here this morning," as I held out my hand to him and pointed to the wound. His eyes just stared straight ahead as he smiled uncomfortably. I had totally forgotten. Bum's ass has an awful taste.
Submitted by matt <bubbamore> at 2003-11-29 08:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell i laughed my ass off.
Once I asked someone with a nub (no hand just a stuby kind of thing) if she ever thought about getting a hook. I was very drunk and did not even realize i had said it. It was also during the movie "Hook" when i asked her.lol
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2003-10-19 04:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
uhhh, i had a similar experience with a friend.
A friend had just got a tattoo on the underside of one of their forearms, naturally when they told me i asked if i could see it, he showed me, and due to the fact i thought it look like he had put it on with a permanent marker (which he had done before as a joke with one of our other friends.), I decided to lick my finger, and try and "rub" the tattoo off.
Naturally the tattoo had just been done hours earlier and my rubbing it with my finger was excrutiating to him.
And that was the point at which i had learnt i was going to hell.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-09-02 05:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had a similar experience to yours, bart, and to someone else's down the line here..can't remember who it was..
I was getting the mail at the post office and noticed a man having a difficult time with his mail. I was about to ask if he "needed a hand" when I noticed he had one hand and one hook.
I know, it already happened to some of you.
but hey, I know the feeling.
Luckily all I said was, "you got that okay?"
heh.
Submitted by kinney69 (user info) at 2003-08-30 03:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol...yep similar things happen to me when I'm drunk. It's dangerous to make Indian jokes around, well, Indians. Especially when said Indian is 6"2, 220 lbs. and your 5"6 and can easily be thrown into the nearest pile of cardboard boxes...
But that doesn't stop me from making jokes about women. Only the fat ones can beat me up (but not often, because I'm faster than them.)
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-08-30 03:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That licks the bums ass. Funny as hell though!
Submitted by Nosferatu (user info) at 2003-08-26 03:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by senseiofmattitudev1 (user info) at 2003-08-26 03:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That's all I can say... wow.
Nice.
Submitted by DjSilky (user info) at 2003-08-07 11:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA oh man i just shit my pants....cleanup on aisle 3
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2003-07-17 13:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-07-16 15:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit that was funny, had me laughing for a minute.
Submitted by bellauk (user info) at 2003-05-21 11:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cheers bart that made me laugh out lound!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha
I once asked a lady on the tube if she wanted a seat which she took , and then asked her how long she had to go till they baby was born, to which she told me there was no babay and it was a gladular problem she then slapped she ..wench.. this is common problem though LOADS of people do it
Submitted by Raimee <pirynne18.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-05-16 11:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm... I am a Cancer. I guess i am fucked then.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-05-16 11:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.efmovie.com
Submitted by me at 2003-05-10 15:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had similar bumble of words. As my wife and I were walking in the neighborhood Giant, I glanced at the pair of men in the produce section. One was affectionately rubbing the others back and the both looked as queer as a 3 dollar bill. As we were passing the fruit section and the two men, I asked my wife "wanna look at the fruits?"
Submitted by SarGasm (user info) at 2003-05-09 06:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep. coulda been worse...you could have squinted one eye and said "Arrrr" alot.
and had a parrot on your shoulder.
+2 anyway!
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-04-16 16:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did he point you in the direction of the hooks with his hook?
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-04-16 16:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is awesome.
Submitted by TheMan (user info) at 2003-02-15 01:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would this situation be considered "Licking the bums' ass"?
Submitted by jameso1 (user info) at 2003-02-12 11:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty damn funny. Been there myself and felt like a complete shit.
To tell you what happened you need some background info. At the minute I'm living in Munich on a work placement, when we arrived we found ourselves a local bar which we liked and it has been our local for 6 months now. Now this bar is underground and the only way down is by steps. So anyway one day I was at the laundrette and got talking to a couple of people who were out here on holiday, as the conversation went on talk turned to where was a good place. Being the nice sort of person that I am I told them about Murphys and invited them to come down for a few beers. Give them directions, told them what time myself and the lads would be there and told them they were more than welcome to go for a drink with us. What I didn't even consider because I was so stoned was the other fella was in a fucking whell chair and had absolutely no chance of getting into Murphys(the bar). Needless to say I left the laundrettes feeling like a complete cunt but could do nothing but laugh the whole way home.
Ah well shit happens and I never did see the pair again, no doubt they spent the rest of their holiday waiting in the laundrette on the off chance they might see me and give me a severe kicking. Which I probably deserved after that.
Submitted by wuzupnewyork (user info) at 2003-01-19 14:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funnyyyyyyyyyyyy
Submitted by Nick White <himom.at.yursexy.com> at 2002-12-18 22:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Man, i've got a story like that. This dirty kid walked by me in school one time. I laughed at him cuz he had a huge gold earring in his ear, was very funny. I was like "Nice earring, kid". The kid turns around and it's then that i found out he only had one ear. Holy shit I burst out laughing. Cruel = Funny
Submitted by sillygrl718 (user info) at 2002-12-17 21:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha, funny shit
Submitted by Ubnockshus (user info) at 2002-12-16 16:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Thats hilarious....however I myself had an even worse experience.
I'm at the grocery store and I'm in the "bag your own" checkout. Just ahead of me I see a man struggling to put his groceries into his paper bag...so...being the nice person that I am...I said "Sir? Can I give you a hand?"...well it was about 2 nanoseconds after the word "hand" left MY mouth that I noticed he was in fact MISSING a hand. Well he got really pissed off! I guess the fact that I burst out laughing didn't help.
Submitted by RiP (user info) at 2002-08-11 03:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by powerofcheese (user info) at 2002-07-20 21:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"For the next twenty minutes I kept repeating that line in my head wondering if anything worse could have come out of my mouth."
Yeah, you coulda been like: "Hey, Captain Hook, why don'tcha stop sitting around on your fucking hooks and help me find some motha-fucking hooks here?"
Submitted by Zanz38 (user info) at 2002-06-06 04:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This e-mail still doing the rounds?
Submitted by sam <im_so_poor_i_stay.at.hotmail.com> at 2002-06-06 03:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey man that story is so fucken funny well i think so anyway man you must have felt pretty stink
Submitted by Joe Kefer at 2002-03-20 13:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty damn funny. Sucker.
So, the lesson is: Make sure you look at someone's hands to ensure they
don't have hooks in replacement of them before you ask if they sell hooks.
Submitted by kytten <meowkytten.at.hotmail.com> at 2001-09-17 20:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There was a little hook to this story, but sounds like a titty bar story that got mutated into 'the hook guy at traget' instead of the 'hooker with the target on her tits'. At least it isn't *another joke* about tits. thank god for that.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2001-06-25 17:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2000-07-27 14:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2000-03-22 16:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously humorous......especially cause I had a similar experience involving a dwarf.....but that's another story in itself.