My hour of darkness (1090 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-30 12:45:30 EST
*Note: I wrote this back in March after having my heart broken by a boyfriend of almost two years. We went through a terrible break up that left me miserable, to say the least. All things described are true, and I figured it fit nicely with the themes of heartbreak that have been coming up here on Ubersite. Enjoy.**
It was as if a dry, insatiable loss had settled over me. I became so sick with this loss, my body reacted physically. I couldn't eat, I could hardly sleep, my stomach ached all the time and my head pounded unceasingly.
One night, after crying myself to near exhaustion, I fell into a restless slumber, characterized by images and scattered thoughts of a mind too far gone for a logical explanation. Earlier in the evening, I was chilled, so cold and alone that my flesh prickled with icy sensations for hours on end, yet strangely when a hand was placed at my forehead, an intense heat came through.
Eventually, I laid down in the darkness of my bedroom, huddled under blankets in front of a heater, trying to warm myself, assuage the pain of my aching head, and rest my troubled mind. I wept, feeling myself slip to an all-time low of lonliness and despair, I wept so hard that my face felt stiff and mask-like, and my eyes stung to the point that I could not keep them open, till I drifted off. The scattered pictures leapt and fell across my unconscious brain, as my internal temperature steadily climbed higher.
I woke in the middle of the night, the darkest hour before dawn, to the sounds of my own voice calling out his name. My bedroom was an inferno, and I was soaked in sweat. The oppressive heat closed in on me, while I gasped for air, trying to regain my sense of reality. My fever was peaking as my arms and hands stumbled clumsily across my bedclothes, tearing them from my body. Wetness drenched my face and pillow, soaking through the cloth. I felt I was suffocating, dying, struggling to breathe, to comprehend the world around me. The pajamas I was wearing were plastered to me and I began to see burnt red spots before my eyes as they tried to focus in the thick heat. My stomach turned and I felt nausea settle over me, for a moment I thought I was going to vomit. In a dry-throated voice, his name once again came from my parched lips, this time in a desperate whisper. I croaked it out, pleading with the void, pleading for his companionship to return to me, somehow, in the middle of this forsaken night. I was losing touch with my surroundings; the only thing I was aware of was my state of bitter, helpless solitude and the nearly tangible heat that blanketed my aching, hurting self.
Then I remember moments after whispering his name, something around me changed, and I faintly heard a voice. It was so soft, so far away, nearly inaudible, but still a voice. I strained my ears to it, listening for familiarity. It was his voice, echoing through the oppressive darkness, coming to me, calming the dizzying effects of fever and solitude. Then the physical touch of another manifested itself, once again familiar. It was his touch. I was hallucinating, feeling his hand graze across my forehead, smoothing my sweaty hair from my face, while listening to his words of grace and love, this time closer. His hand was cool and gentle, his skin against my own felt more real than anything I had ever experienced, yet this was all a fabrication of the fever I was suffering through. My breathing stopped its labor, my flesh stopped burning, and I slowly eased from the state of quasi-dementia, yet the sensation of his hand lovingly moving across my face and hair remained with his voice, so reassuring and wonderful.
Eventually I drifted again into unconsciousness, and once again my troubled mind took over. Nothing had changed. He still couldn't love me the way he had, and I still couldn't offer you what I had been able to before. I was still alone, he was still free, as this is what made him happy. It still is. He is free and I am alone, I don't suppose there is much more to say about it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-03-07 16:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This sounds like a Fatal Attraction, Lorraina Bobit type story. After all the publicity, Lorraina Bobit recieved
after the trial, she decided to move to Russia
and changed her name to Lorraina Cutacockoff
Submitted by Jocko_Johnson (user info) at 2004-03-07 16:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What a fucking joke. If you were half dead in the back of some alley I wouldn't even stomp on your neck to put you out of your misery...I would, however, drop my pants and rape you in the asshole unitl you died.
The next time you feel like sharing, don't.
You're a shitty writer.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-30 17:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yay! Email!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 17:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am pissed. The fire has probably destroyed my favorite camping spot.
At least Julian was saved, I can get cider and pies for Thanksgiving. Yay!
Cooking this year is going to be a nightmare. 10-15 people..
Will send once I get home. hotmail is blocked here.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-30 17:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, please do drop me a line. It'd be nice to see something in my inbox other than various spam and junk mail TWO MORE HOURS. Can I make it?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 17:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nope, closest was "ability fire equip, inc."
ah well. although that would have been quite funny.
1 more hour to go. drop you a line, then?
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-30 17:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Delightful. Dooo it. If we are listed in the phone book, call the toll free 800 number.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 17:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I work tech support for the marines on camp P. hence the mass amounts of free time sitting at a computer.
I have 2 bosses, the major, and my actual boss from the company.
If you want a day off, you should take a look at the back of your computer and see if you cant pull that little fuse out of the back next to the power plug. (turn it off 1st of course) and maybe you can blow a whole day that way.
Halloween down in the Gaslamp district tomorrow night is going to be wild.
haha I could probably find your work in the phone book and sit here and BS for the next hour. They'd think I was assisting a customer who needed computer support.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-30 16:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, you never answered me earlier.
******************
Yes, I'm currently going to school in Oceanside and working not too far from there in Vista. Where are you working at in O-side? As I mentioned in some other post, I'm going to Mira Costa College and working at 24 HOUR FIRE PROTECTION SERVICES, INC. (of doom!) as a "sales rep" which is just another way of saying "telemarketer who never sees her commission." Normally it isn't so bad, I only work part time, usually four hours a day or so, but Fridays are wretched. I work eight hours then. Just out of curiosity, how many bosses do you have? I have five. One of them is the receptionist. So I mostly just sit in my little cubicle each day making calls trying to get people to have their fire equipment inspected and/or serviced.
Work is the devil. I'm going to pull an "office space" any day now... the guy in that movie is my hero.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 16:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Emily: work is evil. they actually want us to do something!
I refuse. we've passed hump day.
Monday: scramble to get things done, you get to find out how screwed the rest of the week will be.
Tuesday: take care of suprises from monday.
Wednesday: hump day. be angry and take long lunch break.
Thursday: hem and haw about the work you should do, but put off til monday.
Friday: need it be said? never do anything productive on a friday. daydream about weekend.
Oh yeah, you never answered me earlier.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-30 16:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Codependent or not, the whole thing was still a learning experience. I'm just glad things got better. I should get back to work, but monitoring my post is more fun. Stupid work.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-30 16:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm such an addle-brained ninny today that I didn't even finish my sentance describing the symptoms of depression. No matter, you know what they are anyway.
Insane,
I don't think we have any info leading to the conclusion that this relationship is/was codependent. Codependency is an enabler/enabled relationship, not one in which people are excessively clingy to oneanother.
SpikeGoddess
(Mental Health Clarification Queen, of the day)
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-30 15:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Emily,
You were depressed. That's what clinical depression is---the changes in appetite, the . I'm glad you're better, but this really isn't all that unusual. Unfortunately.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-30 15:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*love with codependancy, that's what I meant to say.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-30 15:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it was interesting, don't think any different.
it sounds like codependancy to me. I'm glad you're over it.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-10-30 15:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane: I was 17 at the time (read: written in March). I'd never before experienced such hurt, and it totally affected my daily life. I dropped about 15-20 lbs., I was always anxious and worried, I was plagued with headaches and stomachaches. Eventually it just came down to me making myself sick with this depression. Sure, I'd been hurt before, I'd felt sad, but nothing came close to comparing to the nightmare that was my life for a few months after my relationship with this guy ended.
But, what can I say? Things are better now, time heals all wounds. I simply thought it was an interesting experience to share.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-30 15:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har Chicken :p
I'm feeling too happy to read too much of this today, but +2 for having felt like shit like all the rest of us have at some point! Here's to better days...
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 15:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am working in Oceanside and live in Rancho Penasquitos. I know from reading your posts you're at least in junior/community college in the same area..
Yes, yes I do have big cajones in the figurative sense.. The world is huge. I can embarass myself as many times as I want, and I know I'll struck by lightning before I see that person ever again according to the odds.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-30 15:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm missing something.
Why was your mind altered? Because of extreme depression- induced distress?
You'd never experienced distress before? How old were you at the time?
This is a weird story.
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-10-30 14:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. shutdown at the gate.
Don't worry I still like your posts
*********************
No no no, not laughing at you. Laughing at the fact you'd muster the cajones to hint like that after reading my ultra-emo to the core post. I'm quite flattered, really. Where are you from?
Note to Insanethemind: Nope, never tried any hard drugs or drinking ever. Maybe that's why the whole experience was so weird, I'd never had my mind altered in anyway.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-10-30 14:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hard drugs, drinking... did you think to use them to ease your pain?
Works for me, in the short term only of course.
You're surely stronger because of it.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 14:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. shutdown at the gate.
Don't worry I still like your posts.
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh Heh Heh. I laugh.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with Spike in that I couldnt really get into the story too well..
I would've liked to have heard what some of the fragments of memory you were recalling were, that might have helped me identify with it better.
I've been sick like that before though, and know how you felt.
hmmmm GodChicken needs a new g/f and you're in the area?
wait..
Balls enough to try it in the first place. +2 for me.
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I posted this to share an interesting experience. The self pity was present, of course, but until then I'd never had a physical reaction to emotional/mental distress.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Emily,
I hope you don't mind some constructive critiques. I'm not trying to shut you down, just voicing my thoughts on how to make it better.
Good art and writing should never involve self-pity. This whole piece is you describing yourself in a pitiful condition, and there's nothing active about it. It's wallowing in your own sadness.
If this is a journal entry to get your feelings out, then great. But if you're trying to use your writing to communicate to others, then you need to make it more active. Don't just rattle off your suffering to us.
That's why nobody has reviewed this---it doesn't communicate effectively. Suffering pushes people away from you, while you want to bring the reader in. Exessive suffering and self-pity make us not want to read.
SpikeGoddess