A Good, Old-Fashioned, Punch in the Neck (2395 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.87 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <thegreatgent.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-30 12:51:14 EST
A few years ago, when I was still figuring out what my options were as an English major, I took a job at a bookstore near my home in Boston. We were all lost and wandering English majors, my co-workers and I, and we spent most of our days bitching about the store manager, who just happened to be the only person working in the store without a university education (although I believe she was enrolled in the University of Phoenix's online program). Otherwise, we tried to make ourselves scarce, hiding amongst the stacks, reading, and generally avoiding questions from the customers. We were fortunate to be situated in a highly literate area, however there was still the steady influx of diamond-clad housewives who came in once a month to ask if we had the new book by Oprah. After awhile, I could not no longer muster the energy to explain to these women that Oprah had not actually written the book, but rather just recommended it. Because of this, I developed a deep hatred of Oprah Winfrey... a hatred that not coincidentally subsided with the termination of her book club.
So my co-workers and I could be a slightly elitist bunch, but helpful nevertheless. We prided ourselves on our ability to give customers the author of any title about which they inquired, without the aid of a computer. This may sound impressive but, after spending enough time working in a bookstore, it is not that difficult. Despite our abilities, we were paid minimum wage. Couple this lack of compensation with the fact that staff members were not allowed to read books while working a shift, and you can see why management had a store full of disgruntled underlings. (Book reading was not really a problem in the store. The only time someone would even consider opening a book was when the store was empty and you were working the register. But management decided that instead of reading, free time could be occupied by dusting the area around the register. Even though the area was completely dust-free, we were always expected to be wielding the feather duster). But I made sure I was compensated in other ways, and my vast library is indicative of just that. I was certainly not alone in this practice... giving a bunch of book-loving poor kids access to all the free books they desired is roughly akin to giving a staggering, homeless alcoholic his own key to the liquor store... in both cases, sooner or later, the whiskey and Hemmingway are going to start to disappear.
But this story isn't about that, it's about magazines. After working in the store for about 6 months, I was given the highly desirable task of magazine manager. I wasn't really a manager, and my pay didn't change, but I was responsible for replacing the old magazines with the new ones, which were delivered daily. This is a daunting but fun task, considering we carried roughly 300-500 different titles. So, I was spending a considerable time reading magazines, which was frowned upon even more than book reading. But profitability in the magazine department increased by 30% in the first month under my management, so I was left alone.
As I said, I looked at every magazine that we stocked, ranging from "In These Times" to "Teen Vogue" to "Penthouse", to the four titles we carried that covered beer making and the two that dealt with cigars. But perhaps the most interesting thing I came across was a quarterly magazine called, "The Journal of Asian Martial Arts". This was an expensive, meticulously produced periodical that dealt with all types of marital arts, covering everything from combat training to the philosophy that accompanies this training. It was a very literate and very respected publication. However, in browsing through the journal one day, I came across a very strange combat demonstration. Stuck in amongst the complicated moves of professional martial artists was a move that any novice could master in a matter of seconds. In fact, I think I may've used this move once or twice. Although there was no name given for the technique, I like to call it the, "When he's not looking, punch him in the neck." After careful consideration, my friends and I have determined that the best way to utilize this move is by following the instructions to point, and then exclaim, "HEY LOOK... A BLIMP!" Everyone wants to see a blimp... leaving his exposed neck ripe for the punching.
User Reviews
Submitted by heavenly <nospam.at.spam.net> at 2003-11-04 02:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm giving u a +2 dude ... great writing skills.
Submitted by Lord_of_the_Drink (user info) at 2003-10-30 14:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The neck punch, always a favorite.
Submitted by Chris Havasy at 2003-10-30 14:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM AN ANGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CHILD! DISTURB ME! NO WAIT! I AM ALREADY DISTURBED!
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-30 14:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was cool with the long preface because I used to work in a book store, too. For three and a half years. I know completely of what you speak and you brought back some memories. Not all fond memories, mind you, but memories.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-30 14:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think it's "Art" but I like it.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ALL THAT! as a lead in for a picture?
good pic though.
Submitted by MagnificentRyan (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"hey, sucker punching people is amusing. Look at these pictures" would have sufficed
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course no one wants to hear a tedius story about my job, but it's shit post thursday. Plus, I was fucking bored, and long winded, and I went overboard in my description of the picture. I assumed that most people would just scroll down to the picture anyway, and then read the story if they wanted to.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-30 13:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's an awesome pic.
Submitted by jdsst96 (user info) at 2003-10-30 12:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What was the point of telling us about your job? The old sucker punch is always good for laughs, but I don't care that you were Magazine Manager of the Month or whatever.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 12:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heeheeheehee.
-Tom