This Has International Incident Written All Over It (1663 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.72 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-11-01 19:19:18 EST
So, I was out on the town yesterday, indulging in a typical capitalistic, third world exploiting friday night when suddenly I became very thirsty.
Not your average, "These pretzels are making me thirsty" type of thirst.
I'm talking the "I just was singlehandedly responsible for the destruction of 6 acres of rainforest and the extinction of three species of bannana spider and I'm actually beginning to think Ellen DeGeneres is hot" kind.
Being the reasonable man that I am, I went into a gas station for a drink. Went down the aisle. Coke, Pepsi, Imitation Coke, Imitation Pepsi, Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, Diet Imitation Coke, Diet Imitation Pepsi. A veritable smorgasboard of cola. I get a Coke and walk up to the counter to pay.
Who's behind the counter? A smallish dark haired man, who by all stereotypical descriptions would be a... well, a CJ. You know, Camel Jockey. Dune Coon. Paki. Whatever. I'm sure in some way he was responsible for 9/11.
No big deal though, right? Living in this great melting pot, I deal with this sort of thing all the time! I'm very culturally diverse in my lifestyle. I have a Hispanic who cuts my grass, an African American plumber (for unclogging the toilet after the Hiroshima shits), and I eat Chinese food regularly. So I can handle one Middle Easterner right? Right?
As I payed for my soft drink, I thought I could. Until I saw his name tag, that is.
What was his name? Hash. Really. Hash.
Normally, I would have collapsed in a fit of convulsive laughter, but I managed to maintain my composure. I only let out a smirk.
But evidently it was too much.
"That will be 67 cents buddy."
(I hand him a dollar, read his name tag, then look down to hide my smirk)
"33 cents is your change, thank you come ... wait, a second, what are you smirking about?"
"Huh? No, no, I wasn't..."
"Yes, you were" he interrupted. "You saw my name tag and fucking smirked about it, you fucking prick"
"No, no, really I didn't" I said. "I was thinking about a joke I heard the other day and it made me laugh"
"What was the joke?"
"Um.. well, see..."
"See, I knew it, you were laughing at me because my name is Hash you fucking asshole."
"I wasn't really, I mean Hash is a fine name. I mean, I guess."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever white boy. What, you think I have a camel instead of a car or something? In the land of my parents, there are lots of boys named Hash. It's like Smith over there."
"That's fine really Mr. Hash, Hash is a fine name."
"Don't call me Mr. Hash! It's just.. HASH! It's a first name!"
"Well, I don't know much about Indian names..." I trailed off.
"Indian!" he yelled indignantly. "I'm not Indian!"
"You're not?"
"No!"
"Oh." There was a pause. "Pakistani?"
"No!"
"Um... Iraq?"
"No!"
"Um.. there's other countries in the Middle East?"
"Yes, you fucking fool! I am Uzbekistani!"
"Whatever you say, Mr. Hash."
"It's not Mr. Hash, just Hash!"
"Is Hash short for Hashish?"
"No!"
"Oh." Another pause. "Well, what's it short for?"
"Nothing! Hash is Hash!"
"No last name?"
It was then that the conversation stopped. I never got the answer as to whether or not he had a last name, because his brother (who coincidentally was named Hashish) flew a plane into me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-15 01:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit, yeah, i meant 'auld.'
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-15 01:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for ole lang syne
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uzbekistan isn't in the middle east you yutz. Jimmy seems to remember you being a whining homosexual when you first arrived (not that there's anything wrong with that).
sure everyone thinks you're johnny debounair now but Jimmy knows the truth.
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I accualy red it, WOO!
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post I've ever written. Unless someone reviews it now and keeps it in Ubersite's attention span, I will be submitting it for my first Ubermadness submission.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-03-18 07:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scored at work.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2004-02-08 04:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice job Jugdish.
Submitted by ruin (user info) at 2003-12-23 21:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
england is full of southern asians, i hate them.
they have colonised whole fukking towns in northern england, a town called 'bradford' which is now almost 100% brown skinned in population is now more commonly known as 'bradistan'
we hate them, they must die...
Submitted by governorcommonsense (user info) at 2003-11-04 21:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's like walking in on sissy
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-11-03 01:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by poop_monkey (user info) at 2003-11-02 17:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
I just pissed myself laughing.
RAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'll be laughing over this for days...
(:(|)
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-11-02 16:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Viva la Babyfist(s)!!!
Submitted by NickTheDivine (user info) at 2003-11-02 14:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved the last line.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-11-02 12:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-11-02 09:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Veritably sparkling with magnificence.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-11-02 06:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Dan Fearey <Danjf4030.at.MSN.com> at 2003-11-02 06:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 for Seinfeld reference
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-11-02 05:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, but are you master of your domain? King of the castle? ( Not that there's anything wrong with that)
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-11-02 02:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-11-02 00:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
id fly a plane into you too.
Submitted by SoHipItHurts (user info) at 2003-11-01 23:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-11-01 23:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was funny, but it could have done without this:
"Camel Jockey. Dune Coon."
And if you tell me that it was just for the humor in the post I'll say "Ok". For some reason it just didn't sit well with me.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-01 22:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-01 21:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I most assuredly am sponge worthy (for a whole box even). If I ran, my campaign slogan would be 'serenity now', and if I walked I would not wear the ribbon.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-11-01 21:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Slander count:
-Tom
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-11-01 21:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What I want to know is, will you take up the mack-mantle of Clinton and be the second black president of the United States? Do you consider yourself spongeworthy?
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-11-01 20:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Is Hash short for Hashish?"
"No!"
"Oh."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-01 20:21:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As per my gender, yes I am male.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-01 20:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who makes me laugh? Well, as to professionally funny, I'd say Dave Barry and Denis Leary.
I've always found humor in the simplest nuances of life. Which is probably why I quote Seinfeld so much.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-11-01 20:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh cats. How can Manfre think the greatest things about you are 1) you organised team wars II 2) you're a woman...and the latter's not even true (so the boys say).
+1 for the ending +1 for smorgasbord
You are one funny motherfucker...but does anyone make you laugh more than yourself?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock!
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to attach the picture of Osama bin Laden in a 7-11 uniform too, but alas...
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you said "These pretzels are making me thirsty", I thought this whole post was going to be about Seinfeld.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, but it just didn't click with me tonight. Maybe I am just being female - never satisfied.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh.... i am by myself in my little cubicle laughing out loud...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Nothing! Hash is Hash!"
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, well, you deserve it.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hash is a cool name. I hope that when Hashish crashed a plane into you it didn't spill your Coke.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yet another for the ending.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another one for the Seinfeld reference.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marge: What if he's crazy?
Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
Burns Baby Burns
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... it made me laugh, and at the same time i hated myself for laughing
I never got the answer as to whether or not he had a last name, because his brother (who coincidentally was named Hashish) flew a plane into me. +2 for that alone, though
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-01 19:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.